Branch Jokes

121 branch jokes and hilarious branch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about branch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article provides humorous jokes about branches, from military branch and tree branch puns, to jokes about executive, judicial, and special branches. Read about olive branch puns, treebeard and climber jokes, and the sap of branch jokes.

Funniest Branch Short Jokes

Short branch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The branch humour may include short bridge jokes also.

  1. 2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!" The other says "careful, that's hot."
  2. What's a pirate's favorite school subject? Arrrrrrrrt.
    What's a pirate's favorite body part?
    The arrrrrm.
    What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
    No. The Navy you idiot.
  3. Why did the gardener bring a ladder to the spring equinox party? To reach the highest branches of the conversation!
  4. TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown. It was a coup-stick.
  5. Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars? Shuriken.
    (Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)
  6. In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys? - With a crowbar.
    And What's the worst thing in a woman?
    - A Marine
  7. What's the most patriotic branch of the United States military? air force.
    Because they are United States AF.
  8. An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm. He thought of himself as a branch manager.
  9. If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool ...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.
    Now you've got a swing.
  10. A Tree walks into a bank... ...and says to the teller, "I'd like to take out a loan."
    The teller replies, "You'll have to talk to our branch manager."

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Branch One Liners

Which branch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with branch? I can suggest the ones about division and stem.

  1. Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
  2. What's the most american US military branch? the Air Force. They're USAF.
  3. What's the only branch of the government that actually listens to its people? NSA
  4. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch.
  5. If money doesn't grow on trees... Then why does every bank have so many branches?
  6. Why was the sapling such a horrible entrepreneur? Because he couldn't branch out.
  7. How does a tree like to communicate on the first day of spring? It branches out!
  8. What are the three branches of the government? Military, Corporate, and Hollywood
  9. To what branch of the military to babies belong? The infantry.
  10. Which side of the tree has the most branches? The outside.
  11. What do you call a guy in a suit sitting in a tree? Branch Manager
  12. Why could the chef not cook a tree branch? Because he used a non-stick pan.
  13. The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military Cuz they USAF
  14. What do you call the leader of a team of arborists? The Branch Manager
  15. What did the tree do when the bank closed? It started its own branch

Tree Branch Jokes

Here is a list of funny tree branch jokes and even better tree branch puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Buddhist says he will be a Tree instead of an animal in his next life. He really just wanted to branch out.
  • Why did the tree leave his career of 15 years to start his own business? ...he wanted to branch out.
  • Why don't people from Alabama have family trees? Because it's just one long branch.
  • Yo mama so fat She broke the branches on the family tree
  • Why are branches attached to trees? Because they stick
  • What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager.
  • What job position do tree trunks have? They are branch managers
  • Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke? He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.
  • One Bored Tree to another... I think I'll branch out...
  • I 3D printed a tree branch today It's PLA stick

Military Branch Jokes

Here is a list of funny military branch jokes and even better military branch puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What branch of the military did the hipster join? The Salvation Army.
  • What military branch has the largest biceps? The Army.
  • What branch of the military is most superior at hand-to-hand combat? The Arm-y
  • I just joined an elite military branch of trained dolphins The Navy Squeals
  • What branch of the military are horses in? The NaaaaayyyVY
  • Did you know that the Coast Guard is the only branch of military with a minimum required height of 6feet? It's so if their boat sinks they can walk to shore.
  • Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military? They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."
  • What branch of military would a pirate go into? The ARGHHHH-my
  • Which branch of the military do babies join?
    The infantry!
  • What's the fastest branch of the military? The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.
Branch joke, What's the fastest branch of the military?

Hanging On A Branch Jokes

Here is a list of funny hanging on a branch jokes and even better hanging on a branch puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch... BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird)
    BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.
  • Two bats are hanging on the branch... -What was your worst day?
    -When I had diarrhea.
  • 2 bats hanging on a branch Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
    One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"
    The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
  • There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one.
    Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one?
    I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

Olive Branch Jokes

Here is a list of funny olive branch jokes and even better olive branch puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the sales on olive branches? They've been extended
    (I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)
  • Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch? Because the charges wooden stick.

    My humblest apologies.
    * The case! Drop the case! Ah f**....
Branch joke, Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?

Unearthly Funniest Branch Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about branch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tree jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make branch pranks.

Another Pirate joke?

Ok, so this three part one which requires a little build up:
Ask, "what a pirate's favorite letter?"
Usually people get the "Rrrr"
Ask, "What's a pirates favorite restaurant?"
Wait for a response: "Harrrdees" or "Arrrbys"
and lastly, ask "What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"
At this point you should get "the ARrrrrmy" and you reply
"No it's the Navy s**...!"

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...
For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,
For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,
And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

A squirrel and an owl are sitting on a tree branch, watching a farmer plow his field...

The owl looks at the squirrel, and doesn't say anything, because owls don't talk.
Then the owl eats the squirrel, because he's a bird of prey.

A hiker stuck on a branch

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in t**... and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you." There was a long silence until the hiker hollered, "Can anybody else hear me?"

What is Tumblr's favourite branch of maths?

Trigger-nometry... I'll see myself out.

A couple pirate jokes

(Couple good misdirection jokes)
You: What's a pirates favorite military branch?
You: No yee d**..., it's the coast guard.
You:What's a pirates favorite letter?
You: Aye, you think it be arr but it's the SEA! (C)
You:What's a pirates favorite fast food restaurant?
You: No. It's Long John Silver's.

2 beat cops call the crime branch on phone

Hello! Crime branch?
This is sergeant John. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir! The floor is still wet!

I climbed on a tree with a suitcase.

My aim is to become a branch manager.

What do you call an armenian in a tree?

Branch manager

Don't worry, unattractive guys, one day her looks will match your situation.

You will be the last branch she can grab onto right before she hits the ground.

What did the poplar tree say to the weeping willow?

Hey pal, you just need to branch out more.

A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,

so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium

"A monkey once worked in this office,

but he transferred to another branch."

An owl and a mouse are sitting on a branch when a farmer walks by below.

The owl turns to the mouse and says nothing. Because owls can't speak. The owl then eats the mouse because it's a bird of prey.

what is a feminists favorite branch of mathematics?


Why do trees have so many friends?

They branch out

Why did the cop climb the tree?

He worked for a special branch.

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.

Why didn't set theory become a branch of mathematics until the mid 1800's?

Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.

I taught my girlfriend how to drive a stick yesterday.

Pretty soon she'll be ready for a whole branch.

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

Two owls sat on a branch

One said to the other "i got married the other day" to which the second replies, "You twit, to who?"

There's a LGBT branch of Ku Klux k**...

It's called, Gay-K-K

What do you call 2 Crows sat on a branch?

attempted m**....

A problem at the restaurant

Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!"
"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

Just went outside to hit a branch

I thought I could use some slapstick comedy.

What advice would you give a narrow tree?

Branch out.

You know if you break a branch in half, you only end up with two more branches.

I guess they're real sticklers.

I don't know why my bank wants me to visit their local branch.

I've been walking for an hour now and still can't find it. This is a really beautiful forest though.

Elton John

On vacation, Elton John finds himself meandering in a Mediterranean orchard. Spying a tree, Elton decides to relive some boyhood memories and climb a tree, albeit only the first branch.
As Elton sits, his well-heeled (and sparkly) feet dangling, a local boy walks by. Waving, Elton call out, "Would you like anything?"
"Fig!" The boy yells back.
Offended, Elton crosses his arms. "What did you call me?"
"No," the boy replies, pointing, "THAT low hanging fruit!"

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.

How many Branch Davidians does it take to start a fire?


We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...

The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but...

...he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the h**... are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole d**... forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space b**..." from here on out.

A man is hanging from a branch

A man is hanging by a branch above a ravine and looks down then back up and says if there is anyone up there tell me what to do, give me faith then a voice responds if you have faith then let go so the man looks down then back up and says is there anyone else up there

What do you call two crows sitting on a branch

Attempted m**...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the *only one* in the whole d**... forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

Sir, the numbers are in and I'm pleased to report that chimney sales are through the roof.

But our kindling branch is up in smoke.

One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.
"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.
"Yes," replies the monkey.
Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
The monkey rolls his eyes. "Am I the only one in this whole jungle who knows how to drive a stick?"

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

Why was the fallen branch so confident?

Big Stick Energy

President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces.

He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.

Why was 7 afraid of π?

Let's be real, his fear was irrational.
Just another branch in the 7 ate 9 joke multiverse.

Branch joke, Why was 7 afraid of π?

jokes about branch