Brags Jokes
41 brags jokes and hilarious brags puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about brags that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Brags Short Jokes
Short brags jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The brags humour may include short bragging jokes also.
- A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'
'Not that many!' - Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.
- Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves. Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
- My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun. I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!
- Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything - My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
- Not to brag, but made six figures this year They named me the worst employee at the toy factory
- "If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room" I don't want to brag, but I'm never in the wrong room.
- Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...
- Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model... They hired me as the "before" picture.
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Brags One Liners
Which brags one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with brags? I can suggest the ones about bragged and boasts.
- I don't usually brag about going to expensive places But I just left the gas station.
- I don't want to brag, but when I take my clothes off... the shower gets turned on.
- Not to brag, but I'm fluent in 10 languages. English and Binary.
- Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me.
- Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet... in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
- Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. It's February 14th.
- Not trying to brag or anything... But I have never lost in the Olympics.
- Not to brag or anything but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
- I don't want to brag about my 14-day diet but I've completed it in 4 hours.
- I don't mean to brag but... Cashiers are always checking me out ;)
- I don't meant to brag, but I'm the world champion in false modesty.
- Not to brag, but my wife hasn't won argument with me since... 14-December-2020
- My uncle is always bragging about his son, who works in the brass industry. He's my CuZn
- How does a scarecrow brag? "Hay, it's in my jeans."
- Step 1: Name your dog miles. Step 2: Brag that you walk miles every day
Howlingly Hilarious Brags Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about brags you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean not to brag jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make brags pranks.
My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem
All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he's out standing in his field
A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.
She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.
The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling f**.... Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.
Scottish man at the ranch
A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".
In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute banker girl
The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.
The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"
The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"
The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."
Three racehorses were standing in a field.
One says, you know, I've won ten races in my life.
And I've won twenty races! Brags the second horse.
The third horse is much older then them both. He says, That's nothing! I've won fifty races!
Suddenly they all hear laughing, and they turn their heads to see a greyhound trotting through the field.
Amateurs! The dog laughs. I've been in a thousand races, and I've won all of them!
The horses are all shocked. As the dog strolls past them, they stare in silence. Then the old horse says, Holy s**...! a talking dog!
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, n**..., watering the garden.
When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife n**....
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing o**... s**....
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing o**... s**... on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
I once met a guy who asked me aren't you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?
I then replied No, I'm the guy with the longest garden hose in the county. 1
My Cousin always brags about getting to sleep in a race-car bed
Joke's on him. I sleep in a real car!
A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...
The cop brags, I'm the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute
The firefighter says, That's nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds
The bureaucrat responds, pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2
The Bikers
A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.
They get ready for the uneven race. A countdown is proclaimed and the racing biker speeds away. The old biker shuts off his bike and returns to his beer.
The workout
A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.
My friend brags about having s**... with potato chips
He keeps on telling me how many lays he's had.
A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar
It takes 3 hours to drive across my land
The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:
I used to have a truck like that.
A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest
... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my t**... and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"
The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,
"Have you ever puked?"
Name dropping
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Keanu Reeves and I are good friends," he brags to the bartender. "Just not with each other."
The beer sommelier
A guy walks into a bar and brags to the barman, that he can recognize any beer by its taste. The make a bet and the barman starts to put forwards glasses.
— Oh, that's easy. Budweiser.
— That's wheat Paulaner.
— Hmmm, that's trickier. That's an IPA by Minhas Craft
The barman gets angry, that he will lose the bet. He goes to the back room, p**...into a glass and gives it to the guy. He tastes, smacks his lips for a while and says:
— That's Heineken. But is had been drunk once already.
When the pope brags about the number of choir boys he's met
Weird pontiflex but okay
What has four legs, two horns, and always brags about climbing really tall things?
A mountain gloat.
My friend brags to me all the time about the women he has seen n**...
We both agreed the internet is awesome.
A m**... brags to his friends about spending $5,000 on each of his two wives for Christmas...
"Wasn't that big of me?"
A guy brags himself...
Some guy, after his wife gave birth to 5 twins, says to his doctor:
"Looks like I have a huge cannon, huh Doc?"
The Doctor the says:
"Well then you've got to clean it up, because your rounds came out black!"
A guys in a bar turns to another
A rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a rugged old guy with a hat.
He says "I just had the hardest day rounding up my cattle".
The rugged guy responds "oh yeah ? I'm a rancher too. I got a couple hundred acres down by the creek".
The rancher brags "Not bad, not bad, but I can get in my truck in the morning, start driving, and I won't reach the end of my ranch until the next day.
The rugged guy looks at him with pity and says "I feel you, i used to have a truck like that too".
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"
"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"
"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have s**... for FREE!"
"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"
At an international medical conference:
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
-Maura Obrien from Quora
Trumpcare
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...
...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"
Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."
Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil h**..., wir brauchen Diesel!"
