Brag Jokes
113 brag jokes and hilarious brag puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about brag that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you know what humble brag jokes are? These types of jokes are the ones where you not-so-subtly brag about your success or accomplishments. Want to learn more about why we brag and how to practice humility? Read this article to learn the ins and outs of brag jokes, and discover some techniques to avoid self-promotion and maintain a sense of modesty.
Funniest Brag Short Jokes
Short brag jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The brag humour may include short boasting jokes also.
- A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'
'Not that many!' - Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.
- Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves. Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
- My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun. I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!
- Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything - My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
- Not to brag, but made six figures this year They named me the worst employee at the toy factory
- "If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room" I don't want to brag, but I'm never in the wrong room.
- Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...
- Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model... They hired me as the "before" picture.
Share These Brag Jokes With Friends
Brag One Liners
Which brag one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with brag? I can suggest the ones about boasts and brat.
- I don't usually brag about going to expensive places But I just left the gas station.
- I don't want to brag, but when I take my clothes off... the shower gets turned on.
- Not to brag, but I'm fluent in 10 languages. English and Binary.
- Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me.
- Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet... in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
- Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. It's February 14th.
- Not trying to brag or anything... But I have never lost in the Olympics.
- Not to brag or anything but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
- I don't want to brag about my 14-day diet but I've completed it in 4 hours.
- I don't mean to brag but... Cashiers are always checking me out ;)
- I don't meant to brag, but I'm the world champion in false modesty.
- Not to brag, but my wife hasn't won argument with me since... 14-December-2020
- My uncle is always bragging about his son, who works in the brass industry. He's my CuZn
- How does a scarecrow brag? "Hay, it's in my jeans."
- Step 1: Name your dog miles. Step 2: Brag that you walk miles every day
Not To Brag Jokes
Here is a list of funny not to brag jokes and even better not to brag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm not bragging, but I made six figures this year… So they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory...
- Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein... ...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.
- I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
- Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something
- I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
- What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
- Did I ever tell you guys about the time I made it with my really hot math teacher? couldn't really brag about it at the time 'cause I was home schooled...
- My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he's out standing in his field
- I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus
EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery - I don't like to brag about the expensive trips I go on….. ….but I went to the gas station today.
Humble Brag Jokes
Here is a list of funny humble brag jokes and even better humble brag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When Bigfoot made love to Scarlett Johansson we expected him to brag about it. Yeti remained humble.
- I never brag You could say I'm the most humble person in the world.
- Kendrick Lamar's been dropping a lot of false modesty since his grammy win... you could call it a Humble brag.
Charming Humor Brag Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about brag you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bluff jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make brag pranks.
I don't mean to brag about my financial skills but,
my bank calls me almost everyday to tell me my debt is outstanding
Three Men Brag About Their Sons.
Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.
Not everyone can brag about getting a h**... from their barber after a haircut...
But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to p**...
because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I don't usually brag about my finances, but...
my credit card company calls me almost everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding
I wish d**... were more like technology
So I could brag about how small mine is
Very few people can brag about getting a h**... from their barber after a haircut nowadays.
Then again, very few people cut their own hair.
A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...
He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.
"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a s**... addiction," he says. "I have s**... at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."
"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."
"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"
I recently had s**... with a biologist at her laboratory.
I don't like to brag, but she had multiple organisms.
I'd brag about my pride...
But I'd be lion.
Not to brag, but I've already had two pretty sweet dates this weekend
I'm surprised how much they added to my smoothie.
I once dated a biologist.
I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy.
I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at auschwitz.
He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.
Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?
Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.
A guy meets his buddy at the bar.
He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
A friend of mine used to brag about picking up hundreds of women a day.
And then METRO laid him off.
Not to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed.
I don't snore or steal covers. And I only pee if something startles me.
People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes;
The only good part is underground.
Note: I heard this one in Bulgaria.
I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles
Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.
I hate when people ride one accomplishment for their whole life and brag about it all the time
Like seriously, I don't care if you went to the freaking Moon. Do something else with your life Buzz
What do you call a bunny that sings supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?
Mary Hoppins
By the way, not to brag, but I got that spelling right without Googling
I don't usually brag about my shampoo
But it really is head and shoulders above everything else
If you brag about listening to Charlie Puth,
You just want attention.
I don't mean to brag..
But my credit card company calls me every day to say my balance is outstanding.
I don't mean to brag
but I'm really bad at bragging.
I'm normally not one to brag about my financial skills
But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!
Why does everyone always brag that they are going to go unplugged for a while
Wireless devices were invented decades ago.
I'm not usually one to brag about my chick-magnet prowess...
but that hot girl with the eye patch keeps winking at me.
Not to brag, but I have a psychic ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
You can say....It's a gift.
I was bragging that I knew the hex code for every color, but then I forgot the one for blue
Yea, that was a big 0000FF
Not many people can brag about getting a h**... from the barber after a haircut
but then again not many people cut their own hair.
Ba dum tiss.
I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...
...I just finished it in 72 hours.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, you are thinking, It's psychic, idiot!
I don't mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet
...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.
The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."
The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."
The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wives. Only one more and I have a complete golf course."
Not to brag but, I have sycik powers.
For example, right now you are thinking " Its **psychic** ,you idiot."
Four little boys brag whose dad is the tallest.
The first boy says: my dad is taller than a tree!
The second boy says: my dad is taller than a mountain!
The third boy says: my dad is so tall that if he stands on the tips of his toes he can reach the stars!
The fourth boys says: and those are large?
\-Yeah.
\-Round?
\-Yeah?
\-Warm?
\-..Yeah, so?
\-...Those are my dad's b**....
Bragging Doctors
Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."
Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more, and later he won an Olympic gold medal in the decathlon."
Doc 3 chucked condescendingly. "Child's play. I had a patient who was in a horrible e**.... He was blown to bits. All they found was a huge, gaping a**.... I put a suit and tie on it, and now he's the owner and general manager of the Dallas Cowboys!"
Christmas wrapping
I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul. It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
As a 46 year old man, I hate to brag, but I have the body of a 18 year old
I just wish I could remember where I buried it.
Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
I kept on bragging to my hot girlfriend about how rich my father is.
They are married now.
Today I Ate a Big Mac
I am not gonna brag about it but the people in Apple were pretty terrified
I hate to brag but my cemetery is the most popular one in my entire county.
People are literally dying to get into it.
I don't normally brag about expensive places I've been
But I've just left the gas station.
My father was never proud of me.
When I was younger he sat me down and asked, "Son, why haven't you made anything of yourself? Done something with your life? Something I can brag about to the guys at work?"
And I looked up to him, sincerity in my eyes as I admitted, "Dad, I'm only 5 years old."
And he responded, "Son, when I was your age, I was 6."
Pigmy kids bragging
Most kids brag about how tall their fathers are, but pigmy kids brag about how small their fathers are.
One day three kids are playing when one says, "My dad's only 3'1"."
2nd kid says, "That's nothing. My dad's 2'11"."
The 3rd kid was quiet so they asked, How tall is your dad?
He said, "My dad is dead. He fell off a ladder picking strawberries."
I don't want to brag
But I finished a puzzle in a week
And it says 2 to 4 years on the box
Not to brag but I made six figures last year.
I was also named the worst employee at the toy factory.
A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the n**....
They start to banter and brag with each other.
The American says to the Soviet, you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stand in front of the White House and shout I hate America! and nothing would happen to me.
The Soviet officer looks at him and replies, yes, in the Soviet Union we also have such freedom, I too could stand in front of the Kremlin and shout I hate America! and nothing would happen to me either...
I don't wanna brag about my finances or anything, but my credit card company calls me every day.
Just to tell me my balance is outstanding.
I'm not one to brag about going to expensive places …
But guess who's just been to the petrol station!
I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.
I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.
"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"
I don't mean to brag, but I solved a puzzle in 10 minutes...
Even though the box said 2-4 years.
