Boys Life Jokes

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back."
"He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did."

Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast.

They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes.
Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped.
Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped.
Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped.
The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said
"Why? We can both jump."
"How is that?" said the monk.
The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA;

they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall...

They were amazed by almost everything the saw, especially by two shiney, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asks his father,"What is this thing father?"
The father responded,"Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life,I don't have the slightest clue."
While the boy and his dad continued to watch,an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and entered a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his dad watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch as the numbers began a reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.The father said to his son,"Go get your mother."

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!"

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II...

He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.
"I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.
"Oh no," cries the pilot, "lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"
The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."
A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.
"Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."
"No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"
Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."
After another week, the American wakes to the German again.
"Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."
"Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."
"ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.
"...but...why not?" asks the American.
"Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

An old man an his grandson are taking a walk one crisp fall afternoon...

When the old man asks his grandson what he wanted to be when he grrw up.
"I wanna be rich like you granpa!" , responded the boy
Now the old man had worked hard all his life. Started off as an employee at a small company and ended up owning it. He almost never spent his hard earned money on luxuries. He was a smart consumer, invested wisely, yadda, yadda, yadda.
The old man smiled quitely at his grandson's remark.
"Now how do you plan on doing that, sport?"
"Well," said the little boy, "It's gonna take a lot of hard work and patience."
"Oh really?" ,the old man questioned
"Uh-huh! It's going to be a while before I get my inheritance!"

When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Little Johnny and father Joseph

ittle Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.
Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.
Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."
"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

Getting beat

(AP) - A seven year-old Philadelphia, Pa boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the ...degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

An Amish joke.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

An Amish boy and his Dad . . .

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

'Go get your Mother'

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

Topical Jokes for 6/11

In California, a ten-year-old boy has graduated from high school. And in Florida, a ten-year-old girl has dropped out of school because she's pregnant.
…the boy has already sent out a college application, which was written in magic marker, on the back of a Fruit Roll Up.
Casey Kasem's family has decided to take him off of life support. They made the decision after Kasem's brain activity shot to the bottom of the charts.
Starbucks has announced their new tables will wirelessly charge phones placed on them. *Annnd* electrocute sleeping homeless people.

A little Jewish boy in Catholic school

There was once a little Jewish boy who for the life of him was terrible at math. His parents had tried everything and nothing seemed to be working, so as their last resort they decided to send him to the local Catholic school because it had the best math program in the area.
The first day, and every day after, the little boy came home and went straight upstairs and did all his homework. When they finally received his report card he had straight A's. They were baffled an very curious about what the school did that worked so well, so they asked him "Son, what did this school do differently that helped you learn so well"
the son replied "Well, "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
"

A boy asks the love of his life to the prom.

A boy asked the girl he is in love with to prom. There was a long line of boys waiting to ask her. When he got to the front asked she said yes. After she said yes he went to the florist to pick up a corsage for her. He arrived to find a huge line. He waited in the line to get her flowers. Next after he had flowers the dedicated young lad went to rent a Limo. The line was long as the limos he was looking for. Finally the day of prom of arrives and the boy and his date get to the venue. The line to get out the door is extremely long and they have to wait a long time to get in. When they finally get into the dance they dance they go and have a grand time. After a couple minutes the boys date asks him to get some punch. He agrees. He goes to the table and there is no punchline.

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.
"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."
The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.
Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.
God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."

A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Obama went on a run

and fell in a river.
-
three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.
-
The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought it.
-
The second boy wanted to go to Disney world. Obama made it so.
-
The third boy asked for a wheelchair. Perplexed, Obama said "Why do you need a wheel chair, you seem to walk fine".
-
The young boy replied "well now, sure. but wait until my dad finds out i saved your life."

There is a plane with a Pilot, a Lawyer, a Priest and a Kid

The plane is going down fast but there are only three parachutes. so the pilot says "I have a family and a daughter that are expecting me" he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. The lawyer says "well I'm the smartest man on earth so I have to live" he grabs a parachute and jumps off. Now there is only one parachute left and the Priest tells the kid "Kid, take the last one, I have lived my life" The boy looks around the plane and says "We can both live" the priest says "how can that be?", the boy says "because the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack"

A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.
The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.
Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.
The boy says that it's for him.
"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.
"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

Boy: This is the day I've been waiting for.

Boy: This is the day I've been waiting for.
Girl: Will you fight with me?
Boy: I will not.
Girl: Will you stay with me my whole life.
Boy: Of course.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Never in my life.
Girl: Will you love me forever?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Sweetheart.
AFTER MARRIAGE
Read dialogue from bottom up.

A Pilot, a Scientist, a Preist and a Boy are on a plane...

The plane is going down fast, and there are only 3 parachutes.
The Pilot says, "I have a family with a wife, 3 wonderful kids and a grandchild on the way!"
So he takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The Scientist says, "I am the smartest man on earth! I have to live!"
So he grabs another parachute and jumps off the plane.
The Priest then turns to the boy and says, "Son, I have lived my life. You should take the last parachute."
The boy responds, "It's okay, we can both live!"
The priest asks, "How is that?"
"Because the smartest man on earth just jumped off the plane with my backpack!"

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.

In class the teacher ask to students

In class the teacher ask to students if their parents have everything in life, a boy answer his family is wealthy and they have everything, the teacher ask him if they have a plane and the boy answer they dont, so they dont have everything in life, then a girl say their family is rich and they have a plane, the teacher ask him if they have a submarine, the girl answer they dont, so they dont have everything in life, then this little girl rise her hand and say "my family have everything in life, because last night my sister brought her punk boyfriend for dinner and my dad sayed Oh no, the last thing we needed".

[Long] boudreaux and thibodeaux were a pair of good old country boys.

Boudreaux grew up to be a baptist pastor and thibodeaux became a catholic priest. These good friends even had their churches right across the street from each other.
Well one day boudreaux was putting a sign in his church yard and that thibodeaux was putting up the exact same one. The both said "Turn now or perish."
Right then then a car drove by and the driver flipped them both the bird and yelled "Get a life you freaks." Followed by a big splash off water.
Boudreaux looks up and says "Hey Thibodeaux ya think we should change the sign to bridge out."