Boyf Jokes

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

So my boyfriend broke up with me because I reference Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it didn't even matter.

My boyfriend is leaving me because I procrastinate too often.

It's fine though,
I'll win him back eventually.

My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game...

when we noticed a couple in the bleachers.
They were being VERY affectionate.
She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear.
He had his hands on her too.
I said to my boyfriend,
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch them, you already know how to play volleyball. -_-"

How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

The New Boyfriend

[redacted]

Why is Barbie's boyfriend afraid of commitment?

He's a chic Ken.

I think my sister's boyfriend is beating her.

Now I don't have any physical evidence. I don't see any scratches or bruises. But I had dinner at her place last weekend and her cooking has gotten WAY better!

My boyfriend (of an 11 year age difference) said this to me the other day...

True story: My boyfriend and I were taking a walk and he happened to be wearing his reading glasses (which I find adorable).
Me: Ooh, you look like a s**... teacher in those glasses. I think I need to stay after school...
Him: Yes, I'll show you how many times 38 goes into 27.

So, my boyfriend said my h**... weren't very good

I beat him into submission.

A boyfriend says to his girlfriend, "Baby, you're kind of like Charles Barkley..."

"...You've been on the team for so long and you're still not getting a ring! Happy Valentines day!"

No need for a boyfriend

Cause who needs a boyfriend when I have my grades to keep going down on me

My boyfriend offered to do analingus if I'd trim a "landing s**......"

I told him he should be more worried about Skid Row.

I think my boyfriend is a member of the k**...

Because he is a wizard under the sheets.

A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking

She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.

My daughter's boyfriend came round.

"Don't even think about having s**... with her," I told him, while she was in the toilet.
"OK, sir. I understand," he panicked.
"Good," I replied, "I wouldn't want you to be as disappointed as I was."

My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night...

But it's OK. I don't think we could have stayed anyway, we didn't have a reservation.

My boyfriend cheated on me

So I convinced him to get matching tattoos... he went first and I went home

What does Putin's boyfriend say when he wants s**...?

Putin, Putitin

My boyfriend is like an iPhone 7

Just jacks off

My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me

It means a lot

What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

A boyfriend and a girlfriend are taking on New Year's Eve

Girlfriend: What'cha doin'?
Boyfriend: Watching the ball drop on my laptop.
Girlfriend: Cool. What's your New Year's resolution?
Boyfriend: 1080p

My boyfriend asked me how many planets are in our solar system.

And I said. "Eight"
And he said, "Nope, only 7, after I destroy uranus tonight."

I should've known my boyfriend was a communist.

There were plenty of red flags.

My boyfriend looked so excited when I told him I was going to get him an e**... for his birthday!

I couldn't understand why he looked so disappointed when I handed him the keys to his new Ford

My boyfriend wanted a t**... with Dwayne Johnson.

It was fun, but I wish we had gone a little slower with it, because I found myself between a Rock and a hard place pretty quickly.

I can't believe my sister's new boyfriend is black..

I mean.. She said she met him at work..

I want my boyfriend to treat me like a textbook

spend a lot of money on me and then never touch me after

My boyfriend and I both drive Hondas.

He's got one of those boxy ones, and mine is a mid-size sedan. And neither of us has our own place, so we mostly end up just having s**... inside the car. His is a little bigger, so we usually use his.
Recently, however, he's been wanting to experiment a little bit, and he's saying we should try some things out while having s**... on top of his car, instead of inside it.
But if I'm gonna have s**... with my boyfriend in a way that's out of his Element, it will have to be on my own Accord.

Your crush's boyfriend is merely an obstacle, similar to a fence.

You just gotta jump 'em.

My boyfriend called me and told me to go over to his house as no one was home....

I snuck over to his house....no one was home.

I don't need a boyfriend.

No boyfriend = No problem

No girlfriend = No expenses

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...

Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet.

I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne.

My boyfriend and I met on the internet!

My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me and my boyfriend replied, I just used a modem.

My boyfriend spent the whole day at the s**... bank.

He didn't come back home

My boyfriend is such a d**.... He tried to hold the door for me.

"What's wrong with that?"
"It was a revolving door."

My boyfriend asked me if I have both kidneys.

Turns out he just wanted me for my body.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.
I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.

My boyfriend never likes it when I give him road head.

Every time I try, he yells at me to put my hands back on the wheel.

My boyfriend wanted us to have s**... on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused.

If I'm ever going to have s**..., it's going to be on my own Accord.

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh harder

Boyfriend and boy friend are different.

Because the space in between is called friendzone.

What did Hermione's boyfriend do when he heard she was pregnant?

He ron off.

Mary's boyfriend called Mary on her birthday...

Mary - m boyfriend - b
b: hey honey
m: hey
b:do you remember that mall we went to last month?
m : yes?
b : and you saw a jewelry shop there?
m : yes?
b : and you really wanted that ring?
m (starting to get a bit exited) : yes?
b : but we didn't get it cause we couldn't afford it back then?
m (getting really exited) : yes?
b : well, there's a MacDonald's in front of it, you want some nuggets?

When she says "I want a boyfriend exactly like you, but not you.", which zone am I in?

For example zone

My boyfriend just called me a p**...

Because I'm an empty vessel.

My boyfriend just told me he's asexual

I'm not taking it hard.

My boyfriend is k**... me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"

He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."

A boyfriend is ending it up with his girlfriend on the phone......

Him: Babe, I'm breaking off with you. Your father threatened me yesterday.

Her: oh no! What did he say to you?
Him: he said "If you see my daughter ever again, I'll get a 12 inch iron rod and heat up half of it red hot and put the cold half up your a**..."
Her: why the cold half??
Him: so I won't be able to take it out!!

What do you do if your boyfriend hates fruit jokes?

You let the ManGo!

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

My boyfriend never gets my fruit puns

Perhaps I should let this mango.

My boyfriend asked me if I could stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

My boyfriend left me for my anxiety issues....

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

My boyfriend said I have daddy issues

That's hilarious because I never even met the man!

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

My boyfriend was breaking up with me and started to walk out the door

So I jammed my knee into his stomach.
You can't leave, I kneed you

my boyfriend is like the square root of -100

a solid 10 but completely imaginary

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.

My Boyfriend said I'm starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"
"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a s**...."

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing.

I hate it because I'm always cold, but he gave me a suggestion. He said to stand in the corner since it's usually 90 degrees over there.

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

I ask my boyfriend where do you wanna go for the holidays. He said somewhere I've never been before

i said try the gym

My boyfriend asked me to stop making jokes about killing myself

"Don't worry", I said, "I won't be doing it for much longer."

My boyfriend is like the forest floor

Nuts and leaves

A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven

They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?

My boyfriend is an atheist and treats me like a goddess

He acts like I don't exist.

My boyfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is...

I said, I don't have one, they all s**....

My boyfriend made a save in a soccer game.

That's how I knew he was a keeper.