Boxing Day Jokes

128 boxing day jokes and hilarious boxing day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about boxing day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Boxing Day Short Jokes

Short boxing day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The boxing day humour may include short christmas holiday jokes also.

  1. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a loot box that MIGHT contain a fish and you'll get paid FOREVERRR!!
  2. A blonde walks into a bar yelling, "65 days!" A guy asks her, "What's in 65 days?"
    The blonde replies, "I completed the puzzle in 65 days! The box said 2 to 4 years!"
  3. Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life
  4. Iv'e never been so proud of myself.. Just completed a jigsaw puzzle in 8 days..
    It said 3-4 years on the box!!
  5. I'm really proud that I managed to finish a jigsaw puzzle in a few days. The box said 2-4 years.
  6. So I went to the pharmacy the other day I went in and bought a box of condoms.
    The cahsier asked me whether I wanted a bag?
    I said no thanks, she's not that ugly.
  7. I was so happy it only took me seven days to complete this puzzle! The box said it would take 2-4 years.
  8. I finished a puzzle the other day. It had "3 to 5 years" written on the box. It only took me two weeks.
  9. What's worse than the doctor saying you'll have to take pills every day for the rest of your life ? Realizing he only gave you one box
  10. Costco worker asked if I wanna box for my groceries No bro, I'm just trying to pay for them, everyone's so violent these days.

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Boxing Day One Liners

Which boxing day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with boxing day? I can suggest the ones about day after christmas and christmas eve.

  1. Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas? Because it's Boxing Day!
  2. I'm going to spend valentines day with my ex Box one 😭
  3. What's Mike Tyson's favorite holiday? Boxing day!
  4. What was Muhammad Ali's favourite day of the year? Boxing day
  5. Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.
  6. I'm gonna spend Valentine 's Day with my ex... Box 360.
  7. December 25th for Asians It's not Christmas, It's Boxing Day Eve.
  8. You learn something new every day. Today, I learnt that f**... is not a boxing move.

Witty Boxing Day Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about boxing day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean christmas party jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make boxing day pranks.

One day a brunette walked into a bar filled with blondes. Everyone was chanting, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!" Then two more blondes walked in and joined in chanting, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!" Confused, the brunette asked blonde bartender, "Why is everyone chanting 'Fifty-one days'?" The bartender answered, "Our bar patrons over there finished a puzzle in only fifty-one days, even though the box said 'two to four years'!"

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a c**..., cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A c**.... This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card.
She asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards — something unusual.
The clerk points her to a new card just in that day — “Happy Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry.”
The blonde replied, “How cool! I’ll take the whole box!”

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."

Tiger Wood's wedding day.

On Tiger's wedding day he approaches his wife and asks a favour of her. He says to her 'as long as we are married you cannot look in this cardboard box'. Being her wedding day she agrees to the strange request without hesitation.
5 years later his wife is cleaning the house when she stumbles across the box and curiosity gets the better of her and she peeks inside. She finds 3 crushed beer cans and $1000 in cash.
At dinner that night she asks Tiger about the box. he replies 'well I suppose you deserve to know every time I cheated on you I put a can in the box' she replies 'well considering your s**... addiction I guess I can forgive you for 3 times but why the money?'
'Well' he replied 'every time the box got full I cashed it in'

After record breaking single day sales at Chic-Fil-a amid the same s**... controversy

today CEO of Jack in the Box Ted Fuller said he "hates Jews and Mexicans."

Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"

condoms used correctly

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a c**..., cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What s that?
Jane: A c**.... This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of c**... she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Christian Aliens

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: **"Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"**. **"You mean J.C?"**, responds the alien **"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok"**. Surprised, the pope follows up with **"He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"**. The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize **"maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"**. The pope retorts **"Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"**. The alien says **"Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"**

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,

I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was s**... but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room


A man goes to his friend and tells him:
Man: ''I finally finished this 3000 piece puzzle you gave me! It took me only 1 year 2 months and 5 days!''
Friend: ''How is that any special?''
Man: ''Well the box said 6 to 12 years''

Three construction workers were having lunch on a high rise..

The first worker opens up his lunchbox and says, are you kidding me? Another bologna sandwich! Every day its bologna! If I get another bologna sandwich i'm going to jump off this high rise! The second worker opens his lunch box and says, yeah i'm with you man I cant take anymore of this! The third worker says i'm with you guys. So the next day the three workers are all getting ready to eat lunch and they are all thinking about what they had said the day before. The first worker slowly opens his lunch box. Phew! Ham and cheese he says. The second worker cautiously opens his and says, thank god peanut butter and jelly! The third worker opens his and says oh man bologna, see you guys later and jumps off the high rise. The first worker then starts laughing and the second worker says, why are you laughing? Our friend of ten years just committed s**...! Then first worker says, cause the idiot packs his own lunch.

For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates...

...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.

10 Blondes and a Puzzle Box

One blonde walked into a tavern one day and asked for a table that will sit 10 and a for a pint. She received her beer and a table that would sit 10. Later 2 more blondes walked in and ask for a pint a piece and sat by the blonde from before. More and more blondes came in until 9 sat at the table. The 10th one walked in with child's puzzle box with a huge grin. She asked for a pint, walked to the table and slammed the box into the center of the table. All 10 blondes began to drink hard and chant "51 days!!" The other customers became mad and asked the barkeep to stop their chanting. The barkeep walked up to the blonde that brought the puzzle box and asked, "Before I kick you out, tell me one thing, why are you chanting?" The blonde grinned and said, "Well us blondes have be racially descriminated for so long that my friends and I decided to prove everyone wrong. This puzzle box says 2-4 years and we solved it in 51 days!!"

Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A little boy wants his toy,

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.
The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.
When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"
"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"
"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"

My pi day joke

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.
So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

A group of blondes are chanting "31 days" in a bar...

so after awhile the bartender gets curious and asks one of the blondes "why are you ladies chanting 31 days?". The group parts and the blonde responds "you see this puzzle here?? we finished it in 31 days! and the box says 2-4 years"

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

They're adding a new weight class to boxing.

It's to go along with "Lightweight", "Heavyweight", and the like. They're calling it "Menstruweight".
Due to being much more aggressive than the other weight classes, they're only allowed to fight for about five days out of the month.

A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

Some of my favorite SFW jokes

Some of my personal favorite ones:
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police show up and ask what happened the snail say " I don't know, it happened so fast..."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver say "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man say, "you go right up there and tell him off--I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...
TO: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: January 12, 2008.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
And finally,
A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of p**.... Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the my side."

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman...

...are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die. At their f**..., the Englishman's wife wails, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna!" The Scotsman's wife cries, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham!" The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches."

A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...

Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.

One day before school..

there was an announcement about the big championship wrestling match after school that involved the schools hottest girl student. After hearing this John asks Bill if he wants to go watch her wrestle. After contemplating for a John replies "I guess, but I'd rather see her box."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."
The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die. At their f**..., the Englishman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna." The Scotsman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham." The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches."

A bunch of blondes are celebrating in a bar

Everytime the bartender brings a round they all get up cheering;
10 DAYS---10 DAYS
After the third round the bartender inquires as to what the celebration is all about,
So, one of the blonde says, "We made a puzzle in 10 days"
"10 days? That's not really something to celebrate about",
OH YEAH, well it did say 2 to 4 years on the box!!!


A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."
She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"

A Bounch of guys offer a blond woman a box of cookies to climb a telephone pole..

That's easy she says and climbs up the pole. The next day theres even more guys and they offer her two boxes of cookies to climb the telephone pole. She agrees and does it again. The next day they tell her their friends don't belive she can do it and talk her into climbing up a third time. After she's done everyone tells her how amazing that was. When she gets home her mom says to her "you now those guys just want to see your underwear right" the blond replys "I know mom.. that's why today I fooled them and didn't wear any"

My dad's best improv

We were driving one day and my dad had to stop the car because a seagull was in the middle of the wet road picking away at a soggy box.
I asked him why he stopped the car instead of driving on.
To which he replied, "He's just trying to get his cardboardhydrates"
Needless to say, everyone in the car was stunned.

A blonde calls her boyfriend...

One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.
"Hey Babe!"
"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."
The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.
He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."

An Indian chief goes into town...

For the day to run some errands for the tribe. When he comes back everyone notices that he is carrying a box of things he purchased. Inside they see there is a light bulb.
They found this quite odd, considering they didn't have electricity. Of course, he is the chief so no one questions him. As the day is coming to an end, they are very perplexed about this light bulb. Finally someone asks him, "chief, why did you buy a lightbulb if we have no electricity?"
In response the chief calls together the whole tribe. He gets them to all stand in a big circle. Next he places the lightbulb in the dirt in the exact middle of the circle. Finally he commands everyone to join hands together.
Miraculously, the light immediately begins to illuminate when everyone joined their hands.
The chief then speaks in a very chief ten commanding voice, "many hands make light work."

Johnny's wife Suzy is upset...

...Johnny has forgot their anniversary.
Suzy says, "If tomorrow I don't see a shiny, metal object that can go from 0 to 300 in a few seconds by tomorrow, I'm leaving you!"
The next day, Johnny wakes up early and goes to work. Suzy wakes up, looks into the driveway and sees a big box sitting there. Suzy runs down and opens it.
Inside she finds bathroom scales.

A young man starts a new job at a construction site

During his lunch break, he asks an older man what he's carrying in his lunch box.
"It's a thermos, it keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."
"Oh wow, I have to get me one of those!" Said the young man
The next day, the older man sees the younger man carrying a thermos.
"I see you got a thermos. What do you got in it?" He asks.
The young man replies, "Ice tea and hot bean soup!"

The Ring

A boyfriend and a girlfriend have been together for nine love-filled years. On the day of their 9th anniversary, they walk by the park of their first date and he gives her a little black box. The girlfriend is shocked and is holding back a big smile. As she opens it, she sees that it was only earrings. She proceeds to yell at him and say "We've been together nine years and still not married and you give me earrings?! Next year, you better come with a ring!"
Next year on their 10th anniversary, he takes her out to a fancy dinner and then they go back to his place to have some more wine and play some romantic music. They begin to have s**... on his bed and during s**..., she notices something poking at her more than usual but she ignores it. When he finishes, he asks her "Take off my c**...." Confused, she takes off the used c**... from him and looks inside with a squint and notices an engagement ring floating inside the c**...!
"I didn't forget what you said! I came with a ring!"

"Doesn't matter"

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A c**.... This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get that?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel

Box of condoms fall onto v**...'s lap on the way to the drive-in...

v**... - "What are these?"
Guy - "Umm.. those..those are cigarette holders!"
v**... - "Where do you get these cigarette holders?"
Guy - "At the pharmacy."
(The next day the v**... goes to the pharmacy to get herself some cigarette holders)
Pharmacist - "How may I help you?"
v**... - "I'd like a box of condoms, please."
Pharmacist - "Okay, what size do you need, Miss?"
v**... - "I'd say big enough for a camel!"

Four girlscout cookie boxes down in a day and I realized I have a problem

... I'm running out of cookies.

This old man was reminiscing about the good old days...

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many f**...' security cameras.

Three eggs plus cash

A wife was cleaning her husband's drawers and found an old wooden box containing three eggs and 5,000 dollars cash. Confused, the wife asked the husband what they were for. The husband answered, "well, whenever i feel lonely, i would drive to the s**... club right across town. I feel guilty about it so i put an egg in the box the next day". The wife felt sad that she was not able to satisfy her husband but also happy that for the 30 years that they were married, he only went to the s**... club 3 times. "What's the 5,000 dollars for?". "I sold the eggs every time i filled a tray"

Barry worked at a coal mine

One day he was leaving work with a wheelbarrow which had a box on it. The guard, looking at him suspiciously, stopped him and asked, "What's inside that box?"
Barry: "Nothing"
The guard opened the box, saw it was empty and let Barry go.
The next day the same thing happened. This kept going on for about a month, until some day when the guard stopped Barry and said, "Look, Barry. I know you're up to something. I think you're stealing something, but I don't know what. Just tell me what it is that you're doing, and I promise to let you go."
Barry: "Every day I steal a new wheelbarrow. I use the box as a disguise."

A man forgets his wife's birthday...

So his wife says to him "tomorrow I better wake up and there will be something with a bow on it that go from 0-200 in the blink of any eye."
The next day the wife wakes up and in the driveway is a big box with a bow on it. Excitedly she opens the box and much to her surprise all she uncovers is a scale.

FAA study of black boxes found in domestic US, fatal, small airplane crashes shows 98% say "may day"

remaining 2% are pilots from Tennessee who say, "hey good buddy, hold my beer and watch this"

I went to Costco the other day...

As I was checking out the cashier asked me " Do you wanna box?"
I said "No, but I'll wrestle you!"

just do it

judge: what was it you stole?
woman: a box of peaches.
judge: how many peaches in it?
5 responded the woman.
judge: you get 5 days of prison time. a day for each peach.
husband jumps out of nowhere and says: she also stole a can of peas.

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

136 days!

Three guys are celebrating in a bar.
They keep high-fiving each other and yelling, " " " "
They are so excited, the bartender can't stand it any longer.
"Hey," he says, "what are you guys celebrating?"
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle!" says one of them.
"You finished a jigsaw puzzle???" says the bartender. "How come that's so exciting?"
"Well, it said on the box 'Four to six years'!"

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight." the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

The power of Maths

One day, a box wouldn't open, a Lawyer came, applied all the laws he knew, it didn't open, a Chemist came, applied all reactions he knew, and the box wouldn't open, a Physicist came, applied all forces, it still didn't open, then a Mathematician came and said : " Let's assume the box is open "

Apparently Bill Clinton is so

sure that Hillary is going to win that he stopped at the tobacco store and bought a box of cigars. He has interviews scheduled for his new interns all day.

"I'm 29 years old today..."

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.
Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...
"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," says the man on the line.
"Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."
"No," says Carl. "He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."
(based on a true story)

Remember the old Korean saying "Dog not just for Christmas"

"Any luck, some left over, boxing day"

So Boxing Day, its a magical time of year,

when companies send you amazing emails with pictures of all the stuff you just brought from them, at half price.

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

Super bowl tickets

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.

Four blonds walk into a bar...

...cheering "85 Days! 85 Days!"
A gentleman inquires "Excuse me, but what's '85 days?'"
The blonds reply "We completed a puzzle in 85 days and the box says 2-4 years!"

So my cousin s**... up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

A group of blondes walk into a bar

A group of blondes walk into a bar celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a bartender goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"

Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a c**..., cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."
"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."
The next day, Old Lady 2 goes into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I need a box of condoms please"
The pharmacist looked at old lady questioningly (she was 80 after all) and asked "what size?"
The Old lady thought for a second and said "It doesn't matter, as long as it can fit on a Camel"

Husband on second day of marriage...

...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.
She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said
' same feeling '

0-100 real quick

So the wife is extremely angry at the husband for forgetting their anniversary. She yells at him,"I BETTER SEE SOMETHING IN THE DRIVEWAY THAT GOES FROM 0-300 IN 6 SECONDS" and storms off. The next day when she wakes up, she finds a giant box in the driveway. She gets dressed and goes to the driveway to investigate. When she opens it she finds a bathroom scale...

she wants a box of condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a c**..., cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A c**.... This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

I was at a boxing match the other day and one of the boxers only had one hand...

But he sure did have a solid left hook.

I don't mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in one day!

The box said 2-4 years.

Why did we have chinese food on boxing day?

The whole "dog for christmas" thing wasn't a hit

jokes about boxing day