Box Of Chocolates Jokes

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean J.C?", responds the alien.
"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"

The jigsaw puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then...", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

An Arab and a Jew

There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now….

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity

upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens.
Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?"
The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realization, "you mean Jesus of Nazareth?" he exclaims, continuing before the pope can reply, "oh, we know about him! He comes to our world every few months, and he's always so friendly!"
The Pope's mouth drops in shock "but...how? Jesus hasn't returned to us for over 2000 years!"
The alien leader frowns and thinks for a moment. "well", he finally says, "every time Jesus comes to our world, we give him a box of chocolates. What did you give him the last time he came here?"

A Navajo woman asked me about a box of chocolates...

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asked, What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
The blonde said, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
He took her hand and said, Second, I'd want you to relax… Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…
He sighed, let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

I went to Church today.

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies, "Get out, you're on my side."