bout Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bout puns

That pig is a hero.

One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

how big is Jared fogel's sex drive?

bout 5.6TB

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I used to think I was a boy trapped in a girl's body

Lasted bout nine months, I'm fine now.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

( !Dark Humour!) A guy walks in the local whorehouse...

...
says I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money. The guy behind the counter says
How bout the $1.95 cent special?
The customer says ok , and he paid,
headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, omg she's sick!
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening,
and the guy says
hey John!
The dead one's full again!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota

Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."

Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."

As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."

Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"

But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna crash!"

Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."

So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"

Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I asked my girlfriend to 69

She sighed and said, how bout instead we 9p?

I got really excited- I've never done that before! How does it work?

Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"

"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"

"Ok, I want to understand Women"

"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.

The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."

Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."

Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin

and says, "Aye lass, how bout you piss in a mug and let me drink it?"
The barmaid responds, "Me husband is in the back. I don't want any trouble." The Irishman replies, "Then why don't ya let me drink the sweat from between your breasts?" The barmaid, now visibly upset, says, "I already told ya, I don't want any trouble. If you don't wanna pint then get out." The Irishman tells her, "If you fill your twat up with Guiness I'll drink it out of ya." The barmaid, now furious, storms off to get her husband. She tells him about the man asking her to piss in a mug and the husband starts to get mad. She tells him about the sweat from between her breasts remark and her husband grabs his shillelagh and begins to walk towards the front. "That's not the worst of it," she says. "He also told me that if I were to fill me twat with Guiness, he'd drink it outta me!" The husband drops his shillelagh and sits back down and says, "I'm not gonna fuck with a man that can drink 18 pints."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jerry is that you?

said Tom.

Jerry - "Oh my god, Tom! I haven't seen you since college!"

Tom - "Yea it's been a while, how are things?"

Jerry - "Not bad, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I ended up finishing that Bachelor's of Fine Arts and spend my time painting. I love it, wouldn't give it up for the world! How bout you? You end up finishing your degree?"

Tom - "Yep, Software Engineering. I make a pretty comfortable living and it's rewarding work. I can't believe it, it's been so long. It was great catching up with you."

Jerry - "It was, it was. Just one last question."

Tom - "Shoot."

Jerry - "Would you like fries or onion rings with your burger?"

Tom - "Fries."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a whorehouse

He says I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money. The guy behind the counter says How bout the $1.95 cent special? The customer says ok , and he paid, headed to the room. When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears. He freaked, omg she's sick! He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening, and the guy says hey John! The dead one's full again!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...

...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had sex with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Uncle just told me this one.

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh, I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this..."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you wont believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Yikes, I guess no one is safe.

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

Dave, don't worry bout it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with his patient, and you wont be the last…and your single to…let it go!

but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

Dave, Dave, Dave…

…You're a veterinarian…

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 old men...

2 old, Greg and Patrick, are gambling at the casino. Having exhausted all but $2 of their cash, they decided to try their luck at the roulette table.
not knowing which numbers to pick, Greg says "How many times did you have sex with your wife this week?"
"7, how bout you?" says Patrick.
"10" says Greg
"Wow, so I'll play number 7 and you play number 10"
Greg picked 7 and Patrick picked 10. They spun the roullette and it lands on 0. Patrick says " Oh man, if we both didn't lie we both would've won!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dead Hooker.

Guy goes into a whore house with $5.

He asks the pimp," What can I get for $5?"

Pimp replies, " You can fuck the dead hooker in the attic."

Guy hands over his money and goes up to the attic.

Bout 20 mintues later he comes back down and says, "I don't think she is dead."

Pimp asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well, just as I was finishing up her nose started running." Guy says.

"Oh, she's dead, she's just full."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Cheapest Whore You Got

A guy walks in the local whorehouse, says I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money. The guy behind the counter says How bout the $1.95 cent special? The customer says ok , and he paid, headed to the room. When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears. He freaked, omg she's sick! He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening, and the guy says hey Joe! The dead one's full again!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What'd the Mexican say when he was upset?

I don't want to taco bout it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The scarf store

A guy walks in to a scarf shop and asks what kind of scarves they sell.

The owner replies "we have wool ones inside and cashmere outside, how bout dat?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bad luck today, I have a bout of food poisioning AND I dropped my Galaxy Note 7 in the toilet by mistake :(

Talk about explosive diarrhea.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jesus and Moses are hanging out by the Red Sea

(this takes place present day...). So Jesus asks moses, "hey Moses...you still got da funk?" Moses says "yeah buddy!", and walks out to the sea, holds up his staff, and majestically makes the Red Sea part in the middle.
He puts his staff down, walks back, and asks, "so how bout you JC? do you still got da funk?"
Jesus replies, "I don't know man, its been a long time, but let me try".
Jesus walks to the sea and begins to walk on water. He takes a couple steps, but then sinks into the water. He walks back very sad. "well moses, I guess I just don't have it in me anymore".
"Hey don't feel so bad Jesus", Moses replies, "last time you did that, you didn't have those holes in your feet".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Her: how bout a threesome?

Me: threesome? If I wanted to disappoint 2 people I'd go to dinner with my parents.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Secede from the Union

United States: Should we do something about guns?
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: How bout dem immigrants tho
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: I like ice cream
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: Let's ban weed
Texas: aiight cool
California:WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a pornstar with a bout of diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went on a vacation to Taiwan...

I asked around for tourist attractions

A peculiar man came up to me, inquiring about some \*discount\* sex shop

When in Taiwan, am I right? Needless to say I was intrigued.

He said to me, "go down to da beach,

aska bout da tongue twister packege

my friend will make you happy"

So I went to the beach, as the man had suggested. I asked about the tongue twister package. I was not disappointed. If you're ever in Taiwan, make sure to visit that guy at the beach.

He sells shemales at the seashore.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the Mexican food go to counseling?

It wanted to taco bout his feelings

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If 2 vegans are upset with eachother, is it called beef?

Or would it be a brussel bout?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?

Ah well, we won't go over it then.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Mexican girlfriend got mad at me today

I asked her if she wanted to taco bout it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did one nut say to the other?

Imma cashew outside, how bout dat?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A poem

Roses are red,
Asses are fat,
Cesh me outside,
How bout dat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I ate some Girl Scout Cookies that were way past their expiration date...

...and ended up with a nasty bout of samoanella.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did one web browser say to another during a fight?

Cache me outside, how bout dat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Bout jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bout? Well, here are the best Bout dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bout pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes