Bought Jokes

Following is our collection of purchase humor and sell one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Bought puns for adults, dirty resell jokes or clean carat gags for kids.

There is an abundance of birthday jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes on bought. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bough witze you can hear about bought.

The Best jokes about Bought

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.


i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I bought a theremin

But I haven't touched it in years.

I'm sorry to anyone who gets it.

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.


I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.

When the power went out I was screwed.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.


I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"



" - Gold, obviously!"



" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.

I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

I bought a pug for my wife.

Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith

as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for Β£20.

But I partied like it was Β£19.99

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

Wife Missing

My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..

... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since

Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son

Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.

Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?

Walter: It's on the house.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"

I bought a fleshlight today

My masturbation has gotten out of hand

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".

I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

I bought 6 cans of Sprite from the shop today..

But when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

I've been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever!

Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

I bought the new Call of Duty WWII in France.

But for some reason, I can only be a spectator.

A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..

He's probably part of an extreme mist group

I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith.

10 minutes after we arrived home, the dog made a bolt for the door.

I bought a grenade today...

Things went terribly wrong when the cashier asked me for my PIN.

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"

I bought a wooden whistle

but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle,

but it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle,

but it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle,

but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle,

now I can whistle.

My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.

Time Machine

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."

I bought a universal remote the other day

and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"

I bought a wooden whistle

...but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle. And it steel wooden whistle.

Then I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.

Finally, I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

I bought the worst thesaurus today

Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".

*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing.

My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...

...so I bought her a bathroom scale.

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators...

From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new...

The Sheepdog and the Farmer

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes