Bought Jokes
116 bought jokes and hilarious bought puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bought that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking to add a little laughter to your life? Discover how to buy jokes you can own and tell to your family and friends. Learn how to purchase funny jokes and quips to enliven any gathering.
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Funniest Bought Short Jokes
Short bought jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bought humour may include short buys jokes also.
- My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
- It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.... Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".
I don't even know where that is!! - I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
- A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
- A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
- A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
- I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
- My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!
- My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary... I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
- I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am.... Independent
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Bought One Liners
Which bought one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bought? I can suggest the ones about buying and rented.
- I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.
- I bought a theremin But I haven't touched it in years.
I'm sorry to anyone who gets it. - Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? How I bought your mother
- I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple Sorry, wrong thread
- I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
- I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
- I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20. But I partied like it was £19.99
- For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
- I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee.
- I was feeling a bit lonely so I bought some stock Now I have a bit of company.
- I accidentally bought too many art supplies I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
- I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business. I'm the main stakeholder.
- I bought a chainsaw 10 years ago it stihl works
- This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right I keep getting mixed results
- Elton John bought his pet rabbit to the gym... "It's a little fit bunny...."
Just Bought Jokes
Here is a list of funny just bought jokes and even better just bought puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
- I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late. That sail has shipped.
- My 7 year old daughter just told me this one. I'm so proud. What did the duck say when he bought chapstick? Put it on my bill
- I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
- They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
- I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary... I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
- I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
- An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
- Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway! The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
Hilarious Bought Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about bought you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean brought jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bought pranks.
Olympic Condoms
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.
"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.
She simply responds,
"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..
... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son
Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.
Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?
Walter: It's on the house.
I bought a fleshlight today
My m**... has gotten out of hand
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...
...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...
Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.
When the power went out I was s**....
I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.
Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".
The power of Pepsi
So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"
My wife gave me some bad news today
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..
..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...
I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.
Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count
Just got scammed out of $15.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
My wife said if I bought her one more s**... present, she would burn it
So I bought her a candle. That showed her.
A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than s**......
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.
The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I f**..., the room smells incredible.
My Son is such a c**t...
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle v**..., put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring
The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.
I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.
I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.
It's nice to have a bit of company.
It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.
So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.
I bought a pug for my wife.
Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...
It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks".
I said, "Don't mention it."
I bought a new thesaurus today and it's terrible
Not only is it terrible but it's also terrible!
A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I p**...!"
Wife: "So you step on the scale before you p**..., go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your p**...?
He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...
I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox
But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable
For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it
I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...
I don't even *have* a coconut...
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.
To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It's cutting hedge technology!"
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.
So I bought her nothing.
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 p**... of the same pattern and color to his wife.
Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my p**....
Husband : Which people?
(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)
Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.
So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.
When I was a boy my dad gave me money....
When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**... but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my a**... again ....
Asking for a friend ............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl.
They are 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
A kid is selling lemonade…
The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I don't even know where that is.
So I bought myself and my girlfriend walkie talkies
Gf: You're too childish, this isn't working and it's over
Me: Sorry, this isn't working and it's what? Over
Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he's planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…
…He's going to call it YouTwitFace.
