Bottom Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

A man notices his wife's butt is getting big...

I bet your butt is as big as my grill.

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?

If I spank Dwayne Johnson...

does that mean I hit Rock bottom?

Comey: He's guilty

Democrats: He's guilty

Trump: I'm guilty

Republicans: We may never get to the bottom of this

I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass

I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

My wife bites her lip to look sexy

I just don't have the heart to tell her you're meant to bite the bottom lip.

A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill?

By walking... jk rolling

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.

Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!

She says This sub really loves reposts.

TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".

I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control...

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor...

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks β€žCan you read this?

β€žRead it? , the Pole replies, β€žI know the guy!

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

She was right, I am pushy"

To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license.

Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"

I knew that sexual fetishes could get more and more perverse over time, but...

...it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

How do you discipline your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom

My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip.

I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.

Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?".
The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, hey I know what you're about to do, and I won't pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It's been a really long time.

She replies, no you sicko!

So he says it's cool. I'll just go wait at the bottom.

Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air Force.

What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck.

All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her.

Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"
The woman says, "No, fuck off."
The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Why is Europe like a frying pan??

They both have Greece at the bottom!!

The Cliff

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Black people can't swim.

At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks

This joke brought to you by my ten year old son

A corporate ladder...

is much like a tree full of monkeys. They're all trying to climb to the top and taking shits on the people below them. But more so, the monkeys on top look down and see nothing but shitheads and the ones on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me...

...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips

One of my dad's favorites about flying

"You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there."

A homeless man walks by a bar...

He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".

My daughter came sprinting in to the house yesterday shouting 'daddy, daddy, I just saw two fairies at the bottom of the garden!'

Humouring her I asked 'That's amazing darling, what were they doing?'

She replied 'Sucking each other's cocks'

My girlfriend started biting her lip to look sexy...

How do I tell her it's supposed to be the bottom lip?

I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.

Thankfully I was on the bottom step.

Marriage

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get.

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

Hey, are you the bottom of my laptop?

Because you're really hot and it's making me nervous.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

(I'll see myself out.)

Satan's first day on the job

Human: "So i get anything I want?"

Satan: "Absolutely."

Human: "You say all you want is my shoe?"

Satan: "Just the bottom part, but yes."

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old French navy.

What has bottom on the top?

Legs.

A Zoo Keeper gets raped by an Elephant

And he's rushed to hospital for treatment.
The doctor examines him and asks why his bottom has been stretched out 10 inches when an Elephant's erect penis is only 4ins wide.
Weeping, the man say's The dirty bastard fingered me first !

What's white on top and black on bottom?

Society.

Whats black on top and white on bottom?

rape.

A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide...

...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

Don't tell anyone this

This is Top Secret

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This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)

Old joke my dad used to tell:

There were two bulls on top of a hill. One bull was a strong and young bull, while the other was old and weak. They see a herd of female cow at the bottom of the hill.

The young bull asks, Whaddya say we run down and fuck one of 'em?

The old bull replies, How about we walk down and fuck 'em all?

When you slap a greek statue's ass...

You know you've hit rock bottom.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday.

The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom." Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?

Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.

He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads

Dear Joey

Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.

Love Grandma

Why did the top bun and bottom bun of the Big Mac get in a fight?

There was bad beef between them

My dad's go to joke...

So there's a blonde, a brunette, and a red head who are all pregnant. A man walks up to the brunette and asks what gender she is having. She replies saying "well I was on top so I'm having a boy!' He then asks the red head what gender her baby is and she replies "well I was on the bottom so I'm having a girl!' He then asks the blonde what she is having and she says 'Oh my god! I must be having puppies!'

The 100 mile per-hour goat

Two rednecks are walking through the woods in West Virginia when they come upon a large hole in the ground. They are examining the hole when one turns to the other and says "Maaaaan... that sure looks like one DEEP hole. How far down do you think it goes?" The other replies "I can't really tell, but yep... it sure looks deep. Let's find something to throw down there and see if we can hear it hit the bottom."
The two walk off a little ways and find an old rusted truck engine in the weeds. They work together to pick it up and drag it to the edge of the hole. Then, with a big heave, they push it over the side to watch it drop.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, comes a goat running head-long at the hole at what seems to be 100 miles per-hour. The goat gets to the edge of hole and without hesitation plunges head first into the abyss.
The rednecks are standing there startled and confused when an old farmer approaches. "Hey - either of you fellers seen a goat around here? I can't find him..." The rednecks tell the old farmer about what they saw and the farmer stands there scratching his head.
"Well that's just impossible!" says the farmer. "I had the damn thing tied to an old engine!"

If you slap Dwayne Johnsons ass

you're hitting rock bottom

Patriotism

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

A Quickie!

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

This is top secret...

This is bottom secret...

Two hunters are walking through a wooded farmland...

when they come across a giant hole they can't seem to find the bottom of. They wanna know how deep it is, so they see a rusted anvil close by, drag it over, and throw it down the hole. Seconds pass, and they never hear it hit the bottom.

A few seconds later, a goat comes sprinting by, and jumps right into the hole. The farmer comes walking by and asks the hunters "fellas, have you guys seen my goat around here?"

The hunters reply "well he just came running at us 80 mph and jumped down into that hole there!"

The farmer says "well that can't be! He was chained to an anvil!"

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all pregnant, are in the waiting room for the OB/GYN....

The brunette says "I was on top, so I'm gonna have a boy."

The redhead says "I was on the bottom, so I'm gonna have a girl."

The blonde bursts into tears and says, "I'm gonna have puppies!"

Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Jesus and Moses are in Heaven fishing from a rowboat

As they were fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they each decided to do one of their miracles.

So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the lake had returned to normal with the rowboat floating on top.

"Pretty good, Mo," Jesus said approvingly. "Now I'll give it a try,"
he said as he climbed out of the boat. He took a couple steps and then began to sink quickly. Just in time, Moses reached out and pulled Jesus into the boat.

"Jesus Christ!" Moses exclaimed. "What do you suppose happened to you?"

"Aw, Mo, I should have known better than to try that one," Jesus replied.
"The last time I did that I didn't have these damn holes in my feet."

A guy walks into a chili restraunt...

... and orders a bowl of chili. "Sorry sir, but we just sold our last bowl to that man over there." Said the cashier as he pointed to a man sitting at a table across the room.

The guy walks over to the man and notices has plenty of food and hasn't touched his chili.

"Hey, are you going to eat that chili?" He asked.

"Oh no. You can have it if you'd like it." The man responded.

The guy sits down and begins to eat the chili. When he gets to the bottom, he sees a dead rat in the bowl and throws up all of the chili back into the bowl.

The man across the table says "that's about as far as I got too."

A man walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor and find out that they are pregnant so they want to find out the sex of the baby. The brunette says, well I was on the bottom so I'm having a boy. The redhead says I was on top so I'm having a girl.

The Blonde starts crying and says, well I guess I'm having puppies?!

The woman and her chili.

A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of the chili, he sees a dead rat at the bottom. This causes him to vomit back into the bowl.

In response, the woman said: "Yep, that's about as far as I got too."

Viagra & Ben Gay

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny . . . keep potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"


The man says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, he walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."


The pharmracist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT, are you?" The man says, "Naw, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up!!

Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring?

I guess you never had to roll it down that far.

I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words to me...

"no the top one is your iphone charger, the bottom one is my life support." or something like that.

A kindergarten has a class pet, a mouse named Mister Squeaky

Mister Squeaky is a staple of the class, having been around for almost ten years. Every weekend, a different child takes him home to take care of him. One Sunday morning, a mom sees Mister Squeaky lying dead at the bottom of his cage. She rushes to the petstore and explains that she needs a replacement mouse. The man behind the counter pulls out a shoebox marked "MISTER SQUEAKY LOOK-ALIKES", pulls out a mouse and says "Here you go - that's the third one this month."

Jim and Mary.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"

I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....

In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"

"Well, the vic was found naked in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut murder case if you ask me"

"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during sex"

"So it was a suicide then...."

A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.

Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."

She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been unfaithful."

There's an awkward pause, then with tears in her eyes she asks, "What does that have to do with the eggs?" "Well," he explains "whenever I was unfaithful, I put an egg in the drawer."

"Well three times isn't that bad in 30 years, but what about the money?"

"Oh." the husband says, "Whenever I had a dozen eggs, I sold them."

So God is nearly done creating Adam and Eve

And he looks to the bottom of the bag of attributes and sees there are only two left, so he decides to let the newly created humans choose who will get what.

God pulls out the first one and announces "the ability to stand while peeing". Adam jumps up excitedly and screams, "Yes! That one is for me! I could do so many things! Write my name in the snow, pee off of tall buildings, make ants go swimming. That's awesome!"

God says, "Well then, man shall have the ability to pee standing up... now let's see what is left. Ah! Multiple orgasms!"

Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.

The first says, I'm so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.

The second says that's nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!

The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.

What are the funniest bottom jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Bottom? Well, here are the best Bottom puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Bottom pick up lines to share with friends.

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