Bottom And Top Jokes

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club.

He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a bl*wjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too f*ckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.

They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

A man is walking down the street very hungry....

and he only has 2 dollars in his pocket. No matter where he looks, 2 dollars doesn't seem to buy him a meal. That is until he comes across a restaurant who specializes in chili, and they were having a special. One bowl of chili for 2 dollars! So the man walks into the restaurant and immediately sees a man sitting over a big bowl of chili, but not touching it. The man asks: "are you eating that?" "No, you can have it" the other man replied. So our hungry friend starts on the chili. It tasted amazing! It had the right amount of spice, warmth, good amount of chunks. He wolfed it down in less than 5 minutes, and the man that gave him the chili sat and watched the entire time. When he got to the bottom of the chili, he uncovered 4 toenails at the bottom of the bowl. This was so revolting that he immediately vomited back into the bowl, filling it right back to the top again. That's when the man who gave him the chili said: "Yeah, that happened to me too"

A guy gets pulled over for speeding...

...and when the officer asks him if he knew why he was pulled over, the guy replies "No, sir."
"Well, for starters," says the officer, "You were going 50mph over the speed limit, and on top of that you were driving right down the center of the road!"
"Oh, you've misunderstood, officer," says the guy, "My license says I can do that."
The officer doesn't believe this, of course, and asks for proof, so the guy pulls out his license, which is little more than a temporary learner's permit printed on a piece of paper from the DMV.
"Right there at the bottom," says the driver, "It clearly reads 'tear down the dotted line.'"

Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said...

At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said "last year we talked about making our husband's do more of the work often considered women's work, let's hear how that went."
First a lady from the USA got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more cleaning until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he cleaned the whole house from top to bottom." Everyone cheered.
Next a lady from Britain stood up and said "I told my husband I wasn't doing laundry until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he not only did his laundry, but mine as well." More cheers.
Then a lady from Australia got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more grocery shopping until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye"

The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.

Christ is on the cross

He's calling out to Peter. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Peter hears him and tries to get closer, but a Roman guard cuts off his arm and sends him packing. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Again Peter tries to get closer but is again stopped by the Roman guard, who cuts off his other arm. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' Peter tries once more to get to the foot of the cross. This time the Roman guard swipes at his left leg and chops that off too. 'Peter! Peter!' calls Christ. Peter makes one last desperate effort. He hops up to the guard, evades his hacking sword and knocks him out with a head-but. He then hops to the top of the hill and stands panting at the bottom of the cross. 'Yes, Lord!' shouts Peter. 'I am here!'. Christ says,'Peter, I can see your house from here.'

Bungee Jumping

Two guys in America are bungee jumping on a bridge, they meet at the top and say, "hey this is fun, I bet you they never heard about this in Mexico."
A few months go by and the two have set up a bungee jumping business, ready to start testing it out. There is a big crowd at the bottom of the bridge, all are curious.
One of them puts on the bungee gear and the other stays at the top to catch him.
The guys testing jumps and comes back up with a few bruises, the guy at the top fails to catch him, the tester goes back down.
One more time the tester comes back up, it appears he has a few broken bones, the guy at the top fails to catch him again, the tester goes back down.
Finally the tester comes back up, more bruises, more broken bones, the guy at the top finally catches him and asks what happened?
The tester can barely speak because he is in pain, but quietly says, "What is Piñata?!?"

There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars every day to try to ask, beg, and bribe the monks into shutting down their store. They were utterly unsuccessful. Finally, the shop owner went down to the local pub to enlist the help of Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, baddest drunkard in town. Hugh broke into the monks' flower shop in the middle of the night and absolutely trashed the place from top to bottom. He left with a note that said "leave now." Not surprisingly, the monks packed up the very next day and headed back to the monastery. The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" 
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" 
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"

Before marriage vs. after marriage

Before marriage:
Him: Great! Finally the day I have been waiting for is about to arrive. I am so excited!
Her: Is it still possible to call it off?
Him: No, don't even think about it!
Her: Do you love me?
Him: Of course!
Her: Will you betray me?
Him: No. Why would you even think about that?
Her: Can you come here once and give me a kiss?
Him: Of course, and certainly more than once!
Her: Will you ever hit me?
Him: Never!
Her: Can I trust you?
For after marriage, read from the bottom to the top.

Can you escape death

emmy is in his room when death came to him and said
DEATH: you are next on my list (showed Emmy the list)
EMMY: please can you jump to the next person on the list
DEATH: no it's not done that way
EMMY: okay wait, before I die can I serve you with the remaining food in my kitchen
DEATH: ok no problem I eat anything
Death slept off after eating the food and Emmy clean his name from the top of the list and write it at the bottom of the list,, later Death woke up and said
DEATH : because you have treated me so well I will start from the bottom of the list.

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.
Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.
Measure across the cut pumpkin.
Divide the circumference by the diameter.
What do you have now?
Pumpkin Pi

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the sewing room upstairs to my bedroom downstairs. Alas, I dropped it from the top of the stairs and by the time it reached the bottom there was stuffing everywhere, and all of the thread had come loose.
It appeared I would have to live without my pillow...
or sew its seams.