Bottom And Top Jokes
130 bottom and top jokes and hilarious bottom and top puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bottom and top that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Bottom And Top Short Jokes
Short bottom and top jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bottom and top humour may include short bottom jokes also.
- TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom. But not twice.
- Bought a deodrant stick today... It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely. - Don't tell anyone this This is Top Secret
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This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either) - Why did the top bun and bottom bun of the Big Mac get in a fight? There was bad beef between them
- Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.
- I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words to me... "no the top one is your iphone charger, the bottom one is my life support." or something like that.
- Whats fat on the bottom, skinny on the top, and has ears? Mountains!
...what? You've never head of mountaineers? - Women tell each other they have "cute tops" all the time. But I tell one woman she has a cute bottom...
- Why does mitt romney never win at Jenga? Because he takes too much from the bottom and middle and gives it to the top.
- Why are they called Left Twix and Right Twix ? Because if they were called Top and Bottom they'd be Twinx.
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Bottom And Top One Liners
Which bottom and top one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bottom and top? I can suggest the ones about opposite sides and tops.
- What has bottom on the top? Legs.
- This is top secret... This is bottom secret...
- I graduated top of my class at gay conversion therapy Everyone else wanted to be bottoms
- What's Asian on top and black on bottom? IQ distribution graph
- What has a bottom on the top ? Your legs.
- I like when my girlfriend wears a 1 piece The top piece or the bottom piece
- What's lighter on the top and darker on the bottom? Society.
- What's orange at the top and black at the bottom? Society
- What has a bottom on its top? A gay guy's mattress.
- What's balck on the bottom and white on the top? Society
- I like my girls like I like my Hershey Kisses... Round at the bottom, skinny at the top
- What is white on top and black on the bottom? Society.
- What has a bottom at its top? My life ( ._.)
- I like my woman just like my muffin I prefer the top and never eat the bottom.
- What's white on top and black on bottom ?
Bottom And Top Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bottom and top you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean up high down low jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bottom and top pranks.
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him.
So he sent her a picture of his top half.
A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half.
Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician standing at the top of a slide.
The magician said, "You may each go down the slide and ask for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide, you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, "Beer!" He landed in a glass of beer.
The second man went down yelling, "Lemonade!" He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy man down the slide yelling, "Wee!"
Top quark or bottom quark?
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead...
Were sitting in the waiting room at the OB-GYN. Each of them were pregnant and having a chat.
"I'm going to have a boy cause I was on top" the brunette said. "Ah well then I'm going to have a girl cause I was on bottom" the redhead replied. The blonde thought for a moment, then started to cry. The other two looked at her concerned and the brunette asked "What's wrong honey?" Then the blonde replied through her sobs "I'm going to have puppies!"
Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.
At the top of the slide is a sign that reads 'As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted'.
The first friend goes down the slide and shouts 'I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!', and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.
The second friend, seeing this, goes down and shouts 'I WANT A THOUSAND APPLE SHARES!' When he reaches the bottom he lands in a huge pile of share certificates.
The third friend, very excited, slings his legs over the edge, pushes himself off down the slide, and shouts 'WHEEEEEEEE!'
Why was the dictionary on the top shelf more expensive than the one on the bottom...
Because it was a higher definition
What's white on top and black on bottom?
Society.
Whats black on top and white on bottom?
r**....
So a girl is stuck babysitting her little brother...
When she finally gets him to bed on the bottom bunk of his bunk-bed, she decides to invite her boyfriend over so that they can have a little fun together. To avoid her parents walking in on her, she takes her boyfriend and they get up on the top bunk of her little brothers bed, being careful to not wake him up. She says to her boyfriend
"I don't want my brother to hear us saying anything that may be inappropriate so when I want you to go faster I'll say 'lettuce' and when I want you to go slower I'll say 'tomato'"
So they're going at it-
"LETTUCE! TOMATO" LETTUCE LETTUCE LETTUCE! TOMATO LETTUCE"
When her little brother wakes up and says,
"HEY! Can you guys STOP! You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"
Two Construction Workers...
are building a tower. One of them, being 15 stories up, needs a hand saw. Because the other man can't hear him, he uses sign language. He points to himself, "I," points at his knee, "need," and makes a sawing motion. To his surprise, the man at the bottom of the tower looks at him, nods, and starts m**.... The man at the top, getting very angry, comes down all 15 stories, and yells, "I asked for a hand saw! Why would you just start jacking off?!" The other man said, "I was trying to tell you - I'm Coming!"
Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said...
At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said "last year we talked about making our husband's do more of the work often considered women's work, let's hear how that went."
First a lady from the USA got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more cleaning until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he cleaned the whole house from top to bottom." Everyone cheered.
Next a lady from Britain stood up and said "I told my husband I wasn't doing laundry until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he not only did his laundry, but mine as well." More cheers.
Then a lady from Australia got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more grocery shopping until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye"
A q**...!
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A q**...."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A q**..., please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "s**...!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
A boy takes his girlfriend to his room to have s**..., while his little brother is sleeping on the bottom bunk
They climb up to the top bunk.
The boy turns to the girl and says "Okay, in case my brother wakes up, we'll use codewords say 'tomato' if you want me to go faster and 'lettuce' to change position."
She agrees, and they start having s**.... At first, the girl whispers "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato".
Five minutes in, she is getting louder, almost screaming "lettuce, tomato!!"
Suddenly, the little brother wakes up, and shouts "Can you guys stop making sandwiches up there?! You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed!"
There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole
The first mole, daddy mole, wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out and says, "Mmmmm...I smell bacon!"
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out and says, "Mmmmm....I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up, but gets stuck behind his mom and dad. He takes a big whiff and says, "All I can smell is molasses!"
How my dad taught me how to button my suit coats.
He said *"Think of it like a woman; sometimes the top, always the middle, but never the bottom."*
helpful dog
A man and his son come across two dogs h**.... The son says, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?"
His father replies, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."
The son says, "It just figures -- you try to help someone out, and they screw you."
The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physicist while he c**... the last of his beer...
The strange charm of a top down bottom's up
The Quark joke
Mad they are, the up is not the top. The down is no the bottom, they can be charming but also strange because they only stick to the same s**....
My girlfriend is so reckless...
We were standing at the top of my driveway, I let go of her hand for one second and all of a sudden shes at the bottom of the driveway about to go headfirst into oncoming traffic.
No wonder she ended up in a wheelchair.
Bungee Jumping
Two guys in America are bungee jumping on a bridge, they meet at the top and say, "hey this is fun, I bet you they never heard about this in Mexico."
A few months go by and the two have set up a bungee jumping business, ready to start testing it out. There is a big crowd at the bottom of the bridge, all are curious.
One of them puts on the bungee gear and the other stays at the top to catch him.
The guys testing jumps and comes back up with a few bruises, the guy at the top fails to catch him, the tester goes back down.
One more time the tester comes back up, it appears he has a few broken bones, the guy at the top fails to catch him again, the tester goes back down.
Finally the tester comes back up, more bruises, more broken bones, the guy at the top finally catches him and asks what happened?
The tester can barely speak because he is in pain, but quietly says, "What is Piñata?!?"
Making a sandwhich
So one day a family are checking into a hotel. There is a lack of rooms so they have to make do with one with a bunkbed. The mum and dad are on the top bunk and their son, the bottom
So late at night, the son wakes up to his parents saying things. They had code words for s**... and the mum said tomato for faster and lettuce for slower. Eventually the boy shouts up to his parents
"mum dad, stop making sandwichs, you're getting mayonnaise all over me"^(I'm Sorry)
My dad's go to joke...
So there's a blonde, a brunette, and a red head who are all pregnant. A man walks up to the brunette and asks what gender she is having. She replies saying "well I was on top so I'm having a boy!' He then asks the red head what gender her baby is and she replies "well I was on the bottom so I'm having a girl!' He then asks the blonde what she is having and she says 'Oh my god! I must be having puppies!'
Three pregnant women, a blonde, brunette, and red head are at their obstetrician to find out the s**... of their babies.
The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top."
The red head says, "Well that means I'm going to have a girl because I was on bottom."
Just then the blonde starts crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?" the other two say.
"I'm going to have puppies!"
A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit s**......
...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Two cannibals are eating a guy...
They decide to split him up into halves. One cannibal takes the top and the other takes the bottom. The cannibal on the bottom asks the one eating the top half how it tastes.
"Good, can't complain." he replies
The cannibal on top asks the cannibal eating the lower half how it's going.
"Great! I'm having a ball!"
so many poor jokes, where to begin?
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? 'I'm going to have puppies!'
There's a flower shop in my town...
...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars every day to try to ask, beg, and bribe the monks into shutting down their store. They were utterly unsuccessful. Finally, the shop owner went down to the local pub to enlist the help of Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, baddest drunkard in town. Hugh broke into the monks' flower shop in the middle of the night and absolutely trashed the place from top to bottom. He left with a note that said "leave now." Not surprisingly, the monks packed up the very next day and headed back to the monastery. The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
My coworker couldn't decide which grandparents should be her 2 children's legal guardians, so I said to split them up.
Then you only have to decide who gets the top half, who gets the bottom.
What is white on top, and brown on bottom?
Society.
A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .
. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"
When does a poll ever show the LOSER on TOP and the WINNER on the bottom?
When Ron Paul wins!
Whats blue and pretty on top, and brown and kind of a bummer in the bottom?
The Mediterranean Sea.
Which E.D. is worst, Erectile Dysfunction or Explosive Diarrhea?
The man blushed and answered in almost a whisper: erectile dysfunction..
The embarassed woman also said: erectile dysfunction.
The butch lesbian hesitantly replied: erectile dysfunction.
The gay guy without hesitation answered: depends if you're top or bottom.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor...
A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor and find out that they are pregnant so they want to find out the s**... of the baby. The brunette says, well I was on the bottom so I'm having a boy. The redhead says I was on top so I'm having a girl.
The Blonde starts crying and says, well I guess I'm having puppies?!
What's white on top and black on the bottom?
Society.
(All black people, take a jab - i'm jewish and not racist!)
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in d**......
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to p**..., 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
p**... and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
p**... watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, p**... shakes his head and says, f**... dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too f**...'n dangerous for me!'
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all pregnant, are in the waiting room for the OB/GYN....
The brunette says "I was on top, so I'm gonna have a boy."
The redhead says "I was on the bottom, so I'm gonna have a girl."
The blonde bursts into tears and says, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"
Before marriage vs. after marriage
Before marriage:
Him: Great! Finally the day I have been waiting for is about to arrive. I am so excited!
Her: Is it still possible to call it off?
Him: No, don't even think about it!
Her: Do you love me?
Him: Of course!
Her: Will you betray me?
Him: No. Why would you even think about that?
Her: Can you come here once and give me a kiss?
Him: Of course, and certainly more than once!
Her: Will you ever hit me?
Him: Never!
Her: Can I trust you?
For after marriage, read from the bottom to the top.
A double whammy
What's black on the bottom and white on top?
Apartheid America.
What's white on the bottom and black on top?
A prison shower.
How many s**... orientations does a physicist have?
Six: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Top and Bottom.
Father Muldoon got Timmy a top for Christmas.
Makes sense. He was the first to discover that Timmy likes to bottom.
Satyrs are awesome.
The top half of a man. The bottom half of a goat. It's a dream come true for Gay Muslims.
A woman asked her husband "what trait of me do you love the most?''
''My beautiful face? My s**... body?"
The husband looked at her from top to bottom, and answered,
"I love your humor."
What's black on the top and white on the bottom?
Prison.
Have you ever looked down on a quark when it is at the bar?
Oh, the strange charm of that top down bottoms-up.
wife calls and says "i think the carburetor is flooded"
experienced husband starts from the top. "honey, where is the car?"
"at the bottom of the pool"
A blonde, brunette, and redhead are each pregnant and at the doctor's office...
While sitting in the waiting area, they begin chatting.
The brunette says "I was on the bottom so I'm having a girl!"
The redhead says "I was on top so I'm having a boy!"
The blonde starts crying hysterically.
The brunette and redhead ask her what's wrong.
The blonde says "I'm going to have a puppy!"
Overheard at the Gynecologist Office:
A blonde, a brunette & red head are waiting to be seen at the Gynecologist office. All three are pregnant. They start talking to eachother about their babies.
Brunette: I'm going to have a boy because I was on top during s**....
Redhead: Well, I was on the bottom during s**... so I'm having a girl.
Blonde: Oh my God! I'm going to have puppies!!!
What's the difference between a Tupperware store and the gay male community?
In a Tupperware store, there's an equal number of tops and bottoms
Three Pregnant Ladies
Three Pregnant Ladies are discussing their unborn babies.
The Brunette says "I am having a girl because I was on the bottom when my partner and I conceived"
The Redhead says "I am having a boy as I was on top with my partner"
The Blonde starts crying and the other two ask what is wrong "I am going to be having ten puppies!"
How long does a weeks worth of food last a little person?
Depends on whether you put it in the top shelf, or bottom.
Why do we put birthday candles on the top of a cake?
Because it is too hard to put them on the bottom.
If the wenis is on the bottom of your elbow...
...then wouldn't the top of your elbow be called a wegina?
My girlfriend is half mermaid.
Top half mermaid, bottom half human. Also, a creature of myth...
A student asks a scientist about the types of quarks...
A student asks a scientist about the types of quarks. The scientist replies "Up, Down, Charm, Top, Bottom"
The student says "I think you missed one?" The scientist replies "Huh, thats Strange."
Professionalism
Fully n**... Lady gets into taxi, Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
Lady asks, "Haven't u ever seen a n**... woman before?"
Driver: It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
Can you escape death
emmy is in his room when death came to him and said
DEATH: you are next on my list (showed Emmy the list)
EMMY: please can you jump to the next person on the list
DEATH: no it's not done that way
EMMY: okay wait, before I die can I serve you with the remaining food in my kitchen
DEATH: ok no problem I eat anything
Death slept off after eating the food and Emmy clean his name from the top of the list and write it at the bottom of the list,, later Death woke up and said
DEATH : because you have treated me so well I will start from the bottom of the list.
You have a pumpkin.
You measure around it. All the way around.
Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.
Measure across the cut pumpkin.
Divide the circumference by the diameter.
What do you have now?
Pumpkin Pi
Ferdinand
Ferdinand went to work in France for 2 years.
When he returned, he told his wife:
-I'm sorry Mary, France is full of hot chicks and I couldn't resist. But at the last minute, when I remembered you, I immediately got off the top of them.
She answered:
-I also remembered you a lot sweetheart, but you have to understand that it's easier to get off the top than to get off the bottom.
Sailor and s**... ed class
The s**... ed instructor asked the class, "How many s**... positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, just one. You know: man on top, woman on bottom." The old sailor in back started shouting, "Forty, forty, forty!"
Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?
Fully n**... British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?"
Chinese Driver: I no look you n**.... I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?
Blind Man
A woman is taking a shower when there's a knock at her door. The person calls out blind man . The woman figures the man can't see her in the n**..., so she steps out of the shower and walks to the door. The man is greeted by quite the surprise and takes pleasure in looking at the woman from top to bottom. To her shock, the man can see perfectly and after a few moments, asks her where he can put up her new window blinds.
Following American political discourse and tone is starting to feel a lot like reading.
It's going from left to right and top to bottom just as fast as your eyes can move.
Blonde Joke
Three pregnant women were having brunch together, discussing pregnancy matter, and the subject of the baby's gender came up.
Brunette: My baby's going to be a boy because when my husband and I conceived, I was on top.
Redhead: My baby is going to be a girl because I was on the bottom.
Blonde (bursting into tears): "My baby's going to be a puppy."