Bottles Wine Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked the President.
“Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.
The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Bottle of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.'

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
trip...

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they
retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies
Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful and that we are a small and
insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!
he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

A fine wine

The Navajo woman accepted my offer of a lift to the reservation, but didn't seem inclined to say much more. I noticed a look of ill-disguised disapproval as she got in the car, lingering for a moment on my exposed cleavage, but that was all – she gazed stonily ahead while the car pulled away, leaving a trail of hot Nevada dust in the rear view mirror.
After a few failed attempts at small talk, and my knowledge of her culture exhausted, I kept quiet, and concentrated instead on the evening ahead: a quick bath before Jim returned from work, followed by a dinner with Michael, his boss, at Bon Vivant, the new French restaurant.
The Navajo woman eyed the silk-wrapped bottle of expensive Cabernet Sauvignon I'd bought, as it rattled gently on the dashboard, and said, 'What is in parcel?'
Though a bit surprised by her directness, I was pleased at the conversation, and I replied, 'A bottle of wine – I got it for my husband.'
She nodded thoughtfully, seeming to approve, and then replied, 'A good trade.'

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"

A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years

He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement.
He arrives at the third house where he is greeted by a gorgeous blonde with see through l**... on. She leads him upstairs where they make love for an hour. When they're done she takes him downstairs where she cooks him a breakfast of pancakes,eggs and squeezed orange juice. As he's eating she gives him a card with $20 in it.
He's overwhelmed by all this and asks why. The blonde tells him You've been an amazing mailman over the years and when I heard you were retiring I asked my husband what we should do for you. He replied"f**... him. Give him $20" The Breakfast was my idea

Father, what causes arthritis?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

Holmes and Watson on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.
What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.

I don't know if this has been posted before but it's one of my favourite jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!

A Priest and a Rabbi are driving towards each other on the highway...

When all of a sudden a tire blows out on the Rabbi's car and they c**... into each other head on. They both get out of the vehicle and by some miracle they both suffer no injuries while both cars are wrecked beyond belief.
the rabbi says "wow this really must of beens god's work to keep us both alive and unharmed"
priest " i know, even though we may have disagreements with some things, we both can agree that god is looking out for us"
the Rabbi goes over to the wreckage and sees a bottle of wine that managed to survive the c**... and says to the priest
"not only did we both come out unharmed so did this bottle of wine, it must be a sign from god to put aside our differences and reconcile over a glass of wine.
priest " i agree"
so the rabbi opens up the bottle and hands it to the priest. The priest takes the bottle and drinks about half and gives it back to the rabbi.
the rabbi goes " thats ok, i wont drink it till the cops come"

How to cook a turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

I took a taxi home

As we welcome 2015, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, last night, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few v**... shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.
Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.
Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,
"We're both okay, we should celebrate."
So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile.
The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman.
The woman closes the bottle and put it away.
The man asks,
"Aren't you going to take a drink?"
And the woman replies,
"No, I'll celebrate after the cops leave."

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "

A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

Sherlock and Watson take a vacation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Man in Restaurant Sees Extremely Attractive Woman Sitting Alone...

so he decides to send her a nice bottle of wine. The waiter brings it and the lady looks at the bottle for a moment and sends a message back to the man.
It reads: 'For me to accept this bottle of wine you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a few million dollars in your bank, and seven inches in your pants.'
He reads the message, laughs, and sends back one of his own: 'Just send it back. I have a Ferrari, Mercedes, and a Corvette. I have twenty million in the bank and a house in Aspen, LA, and Miami.
But I will NEVER cut three inches off for any woman.'

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver

So Jacob got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.
Jacob said, "this is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast"
The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork and the other man took a big swig and passed the bottle back. And my buddy Jacob said, "no thanks. I'll wait for the cops to show up first"