Bottle Jokes

191 bottle jokes and hilarious bottle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bottle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh along with our collection of funny bottle jokes! From bottle openers to bottle shops, bottle caps to hot water bottles, plastic bottles to glass vials and everything in between, we've got jokes that will have you reaching for a drink! Whether it's water or something a bit stronger, these funny jokes about bottles won't leave you feeling empty.

Best Short Bottle Jokes

Short bottle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bottle humour may include short flask jokes also.

  1. Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
  2. Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?" The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
  3. My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
  4. What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
  5. My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
  6. My grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses She drinks straight from the bottle.
  7. Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'
  8. A programmer got stuck in the shower because... The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
    "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
  9. Went out for sushi last night And a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don't Kikkoman when he's down
  10. What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky? A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...
    A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

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Bottle joke, What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about bottle can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of bottle puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Bottle One Liners

Which bottle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bottle? I can suggest the ones about wine glass and beaker.

  1. This idiot on the treadmill at the gym. Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
  2. My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
  3. Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 tablets at me. The injuries were superfishoil.
  4. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle Because his wife died
  5. How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know, ask a Falcons fan
  6. Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle.
    - My grandma.
  7. A man threw a milk bottle at me today How dairy
  8. Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me. I said, What the hellmann?
  9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife won't let him use socks anymore.
  10. I've made an app to loosen the top of a ketchup bottle It's an open sauce project
  11. If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle... It isn't working.
  12. Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? His wife is dead.
  13. My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses She drinks out of the bottle...
  14. How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
  15. How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne? I don't know, ask Falcons fans.

Bottle Water Jokes

Here is a list of funny bottle water jokes and even better bottle water puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water? In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
  • A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states Solid, liquid and gas
  • I showed up to run a marathon, but realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. I decided to run anyway... ... I finished in 3^st
  • I just saw some idiot at the gym. He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
  • He asked for a bottle of still water. I handed him sparkling.
    He said 'I asked for still water - this is sparkling.'
    'Yeah - but it's still water.'
  • Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
  • What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.? Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line
  • A girl agreed to go on a date with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I schwepped her off her feet.
  • An empty water bottle walks into a bar... The bartender says, Go home. You're drunk.
  • How do you get 11 million followers? Walk with a bottle of water in Africa.

Beer Bottle Jokes

Here is a list of funny beer bottle jokes and even better beer bottle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
  • Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles? It happened to me once in a blue moon.
  • 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer on the wall, 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around Error: Int overflow
  • Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
  • BLONDE ALE Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
    A: They're both empty from the neck up.
  • My brother asked me why the bottle of beer he bought in the morning was half empty. I told him that it was because he was a pessimist.
  • What drink comes in a longneck bottle? Girraft Beer
  • How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to him.
  • How do you open a bottle of beer? You don't. It should already be open by the time she gives it to you.
  • It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.

Bottle Opener Jokes

Here is a list of funny bottle opener jokes and even better bottle opener puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's sneezing on your period like? Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.
  • Remedy "Doctor, you prescribed me this strengthening remedy last week."
    "Yeah, what about it?"
    "I can't open the bottle."
  • Why did the blonde open a bottle of milk in the supermarkt? Because it says: Open here
  • Secret to wine tasting is to open the bottle and allowing it to breathe If it doesn't look like it is breathing, then give it a mouth-to-mouth
  • Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn't square? Because the opening of the bottle is round.
  • Why did the bottle of ranch scream when the fridge door opened? He was dressing.
  • They won't be able to serve bottled beer this year at the baseball stadium. They lost the opener.
  • I opened a cabinet in my kitchen, and a bunch of glass bottles fell on me. It was a very jarring experience.
  • A bottle washes onto the shore on a deserted island... *opens bottle*
    We've updated our Privacy Policy
  • I once met a bartender who could open a bottle with his eye socket... We called him "Pop."

Bottle Champagne Jokes

Here is a list of funny bottle champagne jokes and even better bottle champagne puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two Arabs are on a plane. One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?".
    The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon".
  • I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.
  • What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common? They both lost their pop.
  • For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates... ...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.
  • Your mother so big that when she was born the doctor broke a bottle of champagne over her head.
  • Why is a bottle opened after winning something? Because it's champ-agne.
  • I was wondering what the metal wire around the cork of the champagne bottle was for. Then it hit me.

Bottle Cap Jokes

Here is a list of funny bottle cap jokes and even better bottle cap puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle. So I fixed it with scotch tape.
  • Q. I have a neck, but no head, and I wear a cap. What am I? A. A bottle!
  • I just knocked over my water bottle and it spilt everywhere *no cap*
  • I forgot to check if my ketchup bottle's cap was tightened…spilled everywhere. Ah well, Heinz sight is 20/20.
  • What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand? A trillionaire.
  • What do you call a person with bottle caps for hands? Handicapped.
  • Bottle caps... They aren't a great way of keeping out sunlight.
Bottle joke, Bottle caps...

Giggle-Inducing Bottle Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about bottle you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean barrel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make bottle prank.

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...

The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.

A Mexican, a Black guy and a White guy are walking down the beach...

They find a bottle and the Mexican guy decides pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out of the bottle and speaks to them and grants them each one wish.
The Mexican guy goes first and says, "I wish that all my Mexican brethren and I could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Mexican guy disappears.
Now it's the black guy's turn. He says, "I wish that all my African brothers and I could all go back to our motherland and be happy, prosperous and free."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Black guy disappears.
Now it's the white guy's turn.
The white guy pauses for a moment, scratches his head and says "Are you telling me that all the b**... and Mexicans are gone from America?
The genie nods his head and says yes.
The white guy makes up his mind and says, "Ok, well i'll have a Coke, thanks."

Beer is good.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having s**... tonight!"

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...

She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.

e**... your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A little boy walks into his local corner store...

He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."

Jar Full of $10 Bills

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"

Getting girls to have s**... with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.

Easy when I have a knife.

The gift.

Knowing that the minister had a very sore t**..., an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.
"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."
"I understand," replied the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."

c**... advice

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist said:
"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The clerk responded, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!

Father, what causes arthritis?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...

Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"
"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"
"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"
"Ok, I want to understand Women"
"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!

That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me!

I only received super fish oil injuries, but still...

A Mongolian man tells his friend a story

When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, s**..., this isn't my house,'.

When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...

He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."

My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.

She always just drank straight from the bottle.

Three guys are drinking methanol. "Quickly, let's finish the bottle, it's getting dark already," one of them observes.

A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him

Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop

I Went To The Patent Office.

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She s**... and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall

He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'
Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'
The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'
The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'

I just drank another bottle of brake fluid.

My friends think I'm addicted, but I can stop when I want to.

Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of omega 3 tablets the other day.

It's OK, it was just a super fish oil wound

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

The bottle said to apply liberally

So I b**... and complained the whole time I used it.

A state trooper pulls over a priest

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a d**... bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.
"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.
The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.
The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.
A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"

I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some v**...

But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.
CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.
CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.
CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.
They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a s**... by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably s**... it as well.

A priest is pulled over for speeding...

Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"
"just water," the priest replies.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped​ the patrolman.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".
Edited for u/littlekiing

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.

The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"

Bad luck

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
*c**... walks in laughing*

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of v**... someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

A man rubs a bottle and a genie comes out,

The genie says to the man, "I will grant you one wish however, it must be within reason" The man thinks for a second and says "I want a dragon!" the genie replies "Are you mad? I said within reason!" Again the man thinks and finally speaks. "I wish for the ability to plug a USB cable in right every time." The genie thinks, then says,
What color do you want your dragon?

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

Doctor- I've got good news and bad news...

Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.
Man- That's great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.
Doctor- Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.

Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's lights and orders him to pull over to the side. When the cop reaches his car, the student asks:
"What am I being stopped for?"
The cop answers:
"Drinking and deriving."

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a c**... are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
c**...: Hahaha... (c**... walks off laughing)

A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle v**..., put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's i**... & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be d**... the father said
He's going to become a politician.

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Bottle joke, I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

jokes about bottle

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these bottle jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.