The Best 67 Bottle Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bottle jokes. There are some bottle keg jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bottle drink puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Bottle Jokes and Puns

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Headaches

A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Bottle joke, Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant?

He comes in a bottle.

- My grandma.

Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.

Easy when I have a knife.

Bottle joke, Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.

ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...

Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.

"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"

"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."

"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"

"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle.

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

You can explore bottle drank reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bottle bourbon dad jokes. There are also bottle puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I showed up to run a marathon, but realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. I decided to run anyway...

... I finished in 3^st

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me!

I only received super fish oil injuries, but still...

When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...

He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Bottle joke, My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of s

A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall

He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'

Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'

The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'

The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'

My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture


My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...

A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

A state trooper pulls over a priest

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.

St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife won't let him use socks anymore.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle?

I don't know, ask a Falcons fan

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 tablets at me.

The injuries were superfishoil.

I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka

But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.

CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.

CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.

CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.

They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Bad luck

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
*condom walks in laughing*

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

Why does dr pepper come in a bottle

Because his wife died

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

A man threw a milk bottle at me today

How dairy

Doctor- I've got good news and bad news...

Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.

Man- That's great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.

Doctor- Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his crotch. He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."

"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.

"But why?" the bartender asks.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me

I'm fine- I only suffered super fish oil injuries

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.

"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"

He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.

"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"

"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"

"There are no black Russians"

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It's because you're a pessimist.

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses..

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

There is only one true way to check virginity

Check the label on the back of the bottle

I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands.

It was a look of otter disdain.

Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue?

The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does.

Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."

There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.

Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to piss in the boat."

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a Boris is doing his best t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she's been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I'm curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

A Russian comes into a bar...

...and orders a bottle of brandy to begin with.

The barman brings him a bottle of brandy, the Russian takes it but then gives it back to the barman asking to bring him a bottle of vodka instead.

Barman takes away the bottle of brandy and brings back the Russian a bottle of vodka.

The Russian takes the bottle of vodka, opens it, swallows down all the vodka, then goes away.

B: Wait, you didn't pay for vodka!

R: What?! I gave you the bottle of good brandy instead of vodka!

B: But you didn't pay for brandy as well!

R: What?! I have not taken even a sip of brandy!

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"

The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bottle wine jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bottle bottled water piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes