Bottle Job Jokes

11 bottle job jokes and hilarious bottle job puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bottle job that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Bottle Job Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.

What is a good bottle job joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.

A man stood outside of his house after a bitter divorce and he noticed a crate of beer bottles.

He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife.
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't have children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and full of beer and he said to the bottle, "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

Dalai Lama joke

The Dalai Lama gets a job in convenience store.
A customer buys 3 bottles of water and gives him a $100 bill.
Dalai Lama: Thank you come back again.
Customer: Wait, where's my change?
Dalai Lama: Son, change comes from within.


A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

First Day On The Job

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.
"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."
"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.
"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."
"Do you have a punch line?"

Joey's walking down Main Street

Joey's walking down Main Street when he passes George, and George looks frantic.
"Joey! Joey, you gotta help me," says George.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"It's Phil! He's suicidal! You gotta go talk to him. He just got a job at the new soda pop bottling plant, and it's ruining him."
So Joey rushes down the soda pop plant to talk to Phil.
"Phil! What's wrong? I just saw Joey and he said you were really upset by your new job."
"What? I don't know why he'd say that. I saw him earlier today, and he told me I was doing a great job crushing cans! I told him, it's easy.
It's just soda pressing."

The innocent one

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future
would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I
don't have a wife",
second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children",
third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside
and says

"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

A board boy sitting in restaurant and taking drinks.

Oneday, Jimmy was bored sitting in a restaurant in front of a Pepsi bottle.
Just later his friend Jekko came and drink the Pepsi.
He said, hello you so board, why?
Jimmy said, bad luck today. In the morning my girlfriend broke relationship with me unknown reason.
My car faces unknown problem, that's why I reached office late.
That's why my boss fired me from the job.
The whole I'm frustated and decided to s**... and mixed poison in the bottle of Pepsi.
It's so bad luck that you drink the whole Pepsi.
The day is really bad for me that I can't take the poison.

The mailman's last day

A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds.
The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing s**... the mailman had ever had in his life.
As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked.
"Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"

So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."
So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.
"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"

A s**..., an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist...

The s**... says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any s**... contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The s**... and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The s**... says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the s**... and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.

Slightly more modern Russian joke

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of v**... in the morning?"
The worker thinks and says, "Well... I suppose so."
Putin frowns because that wasn't the answer he was expecting, but presses on: "Do you think you could still do your job if you'd had two bottles of v**... in the morning?" The worker nods and says he probably could. Putin, now becoming exasperated, asks: "What if you'd had *three* bottles?"
The worker replies, "I'm here, aren't I?"

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