Bosses Day Jokes

A 21-year-old is hired by a hardware store.

He shows up for his first day of work at 8 AM sharp.
The boss welcomes him, then hands him a broom.
"First, sweep out the store. Then I'll show you where the window cleaning equipment is."
"Sir," the young man protests. "You can't be serious. I'm a college graduate."
"Oh, sorry," says the manager, pointing to the broom. "No problem. I can show you how that thing works."

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

A man and his boss are playing golf...

one weekend when a f**... procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Show it who's boss.

You could spend hours, days, or weeks desperately over analyzing it. You could sit there forever trying to put the pieces back together. Or you you can throw that puzzle on the ground and show it who's boss.

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

Who Is The Real Boss?

The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back

Last day of work...(n**...)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

Calling in sick from work

A man is calling in sick from work and says to his boss, sorry boss, I can't come into work I'm feeling sick. His boss replies, I'm sorry to hear that. Whenever I feel sick I have s**... with my wife and usually feel better. You should try it. The man agrees and calls him back later that day. He says you were right. I do feel better and your house is really nice.

Bob gets a job at a Japanese restaurant...

In the kitchen he notices all the pots, pans, plates, etc have names stamped on them. His boss says it's for easy identification.
One day the cook asks him to go get a wok. So Bob goes into the back and grabs the first thing he can find that resembles a wok with the name "Peter" in bold letters on the side and brings it to the cook.
The cook looks at it and shakes he head.
"Peter pan! He no wok, he fry!"

A crying blond

A blond goes into work crying her eyes out,her boss asks her whats wrong,she tells him that her mom died,the boss tells her that its ok for her not to come to work,but she disagrees and says that she needs to work to put her mind of it.As the day goes by she feels better,later she received a phone call and starts screaming and crying,when the boss came and asked her whats wrong she says: "That was my sister,HER MOM DIED TOO!"

p**... the irishman gets a job

p**... and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday.
p**... says "2"
"2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day"
"yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out of the ground"

A blonde woman's first day at live software support..

She was giving help to customers through live chats.
She eventually got sick and busted right into the boss's office.
Woman: This is infuriating! Every time I try to help someone resolve their problems, they just hang up on me!
Boss: Whoa, whoa.... Relax. Okay, tell me what exactly happened? Did you say something to them?
Woman: Well, all I did was ask them to try restarting their computer!

A guy at work had a terrible headache...

and told his boss. His boss replied, "Whenever I have a headache I go home and make passionate love to my wife. The headache goes away pretty fast - you should try it."
The employee left early and was gone for the rest of the day. The next morning the boss asked him about his headache and he replied, "I took your advice and you're right - it worked perfectly! By the way, you have a beautiful house!"

My dad got carpal tunnel syndrome from being on a keyboard in an office all day.

It got so bad his boss made him get rid of the piano.

Chinese Sick Day

h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

New job.

A nigerian man got a job at US, on his first day he shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You
should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies,
"Why? What happened at 8.30?"

I was playing Wind Waker the other day...

I found a fairy right before the boss and I realized
That was healthfull

The carpenter walks up to his boss..

.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"

Really wanted the day off, so I text my boss

Me: I can't come in today. I'm sick
Boss: How sick are you?

Me: Well I'm currently in bed with my sister......

Classroom Nerd

(In a high school class room)
Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there.
Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day.
Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a p**...

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

Me:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick.

Boss:- How sick are you?
Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister

Having a bit of a lazy day...

sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online.

My boss doesn't look amused

The wife of my boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?!"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."

These days my boss has been getting on my nerves. See I'm a brick layer and he is always yelling to layer the bricks faster and faster...

These days everyone wants instant stratification.

Misty's boss says to her: "You've been late to work for 5 days straight! You know what this means, don't you?" .....

...to which Misty replied "I SURE do! It means today must be FRIDAY!!!"

An man shows up for his first day of work at a strict anti-racist organization. He notices his asian boss has very dirty glasses ...

"How can you even see with those?"
"You're fired."

A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

My boss let me have a day off work because my wife was having a baby

The next day he asked me if it was a boy or a girl, I said i'd tell him in about 9 months

Boss sent me a message the other day

Boss sent me a message the other day: *Send me some funny messages*
I replied: *I'm working right now, I will send you later*
Boss: *hahaha..send me another one*

Cleaning Day

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

A man asks his boss for the day off...

"I must take today off sir, I am going to be a father"
The boss says sure and congratulates him
The next day the man comes back to work and meets his boss
"So do you have a baby boy or girl now?" The boss asks
The man says, "I don't know, ask me again in 9 months"

As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day"

Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

Have a good day

When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.

Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.

TIFU by sleeping with the bosses daughter

He caught us red-handed, the following day
I was let go for performance reasons.

I asked my boss

I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. p**...'s day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.
Know anyone hiring?

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him...

Boss - "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager - "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

I work in a mirror factory

I broke a polishing machine a few days ago and my boss told me to reflect on what I've done.
I told him I couldn't because the mirrors were too blurry but I'll polish on my actions

Driving home one day I saw my boss drunkenly stumbling in the road.

I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

My snarky boss nicked his thumb with a knife and missed two days of work.

I need your help with puns or cutting remarks.

My Jewish boss offered me Friday and Monday off work if I convert.

So it's four days off or f**... on.

My boss always complained about getting into conversations

I told him that the best way to end a conversation was to never start one.
He hasn't talked to me since that day.

A guy starts his first day at a bakery...

The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.
"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a file drawer with a picture of a carrot on it. "And here's the zucchini dough."
"But what's this one with the picture of Kevin Spacey on it?" The new guy asks.
"Oh," the boss responds, "That's the pea dough file."

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest

After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise..

When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool

My boss asked me why I only come in an average of 4 days a week

"Because I can't get by on 3 days a week" I replied.

My boss is a doctor...

and the other day he came down on me for leaving a patients file on my desk while i went to the restroom. This was only days after he accidentally used unencrypted email to send other patients' records through our office.
So I called him a HIPAA-crit

A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, "Is everything okay at the office?"

"Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Of course, what is it?"
"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

A hot female employee filed a s**... harrassment complaint.

Hot employee: Sir I would like to file a complaint to my boss.
HR Dep: So miss what did he say, or do to you that would make you file a complaint?
Hot employee: he said the other day that my hair smelled sweet and alluring.
HR Dep: I don't see anything wrong that would incite or imply any s**... harassment. He just complimented that your hair smells good.
Hot employee: SIR YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY BOSS IS A MIDGET!!!!

I showed up to work a few hours late

My boss asked me what happened.
I told him the past few days my alarm clock woke me up in the middle of my sleep so I shut it off.

Assistant and Boss

Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
Boss: "Certainly not!"
Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."

A guy asked his boss for a day off because he was feeling sick.

His boss told him : When I'm feeling sick,I kiss my wife and kids,and my illness goes away.Try it.
Ok - said the employee,
An hour passes and the boss asks him how it went.
The employee replies : It was hard at first because she refused,but then your wife agreed and my illness dissapeared.

9/11

A man wokring at the World Trade Center calls out sick on the day of September 11th 2001. He turns on the TV and sees the news. His wife yells to him and comes down to watch it with him. "Thats terrible honey, is your boss working today." "God I hope so" he replies

Hey Boss, can I take the day off work? I am going to be a father.

Boss: Of course
*Next day
Boss: so is the baby a boy or a girl?
Me: I'll let you know in 9 months!

The best bet ever made

One day, a man went to his boss and said, "I bet you $2,000 that I can pee in that cup over there 30m away". The boss replied, "Deal!". The man proceeded to pee all over the floor. The boss is dancing with joy, as the secretary walks in and says "F*c**...". "What?" asks the boss. "HE BET ME $400,000 THAT HE WOULD PEE ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR AND YOU'D BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!"

They say if you do what you love, then you'll never work another day in your life.

I think they were right: I punched my boss in the face and I haven't worked a day since!

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught m**... on the first day,

luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

I went for an interview for a labouring job

The boss said starting pay is £60 a day, and after six months it goes up to £80. When do you want to start?
I said in 6 months