The Best 67 Boss Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Boss jokes. There are some boss work jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these boss boss secretary puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Boss Jokes and Puns

My boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in gun and badge*

My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Boss joke, I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." H

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked what companies?

Gas, water and electricity.

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."


Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

Boss joke, I was reading my emails...

I got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

Last day of work...(nsfw)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

You can explore boss leader reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean boss coworker dad jokes. There are also boss puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Layoffs

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off"
"You better jack off, I've got a headache"

IT guy

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Boss joke, My boss was honest with me today.

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."


A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

A man walks into the bar...

The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

Testing products on animals

Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.

Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

My boss told me to have a good day

so I went home.

A guy shows up late for work

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you

is an owl?

ME: Who?

*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180Β°*

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"

Then I said "turn left"

"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, Hey boss, what's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?

I'm not coming in tomorrow.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

A small joke I remembered

Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!

Employee: sorry boss

Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory

Employee: oh no

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks Can you see me? and they respond

Yes

Oui

Si

Ja

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Boss: Why do you-

Me: *sshhh*

Boss: What is your biggest wea-

Me: *sshhh*

Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.

What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?

The CIEIO

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied



My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."

The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."

The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.

Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"

The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says: "You must've gone crazy from all that working, you can take the day off."

The woman leaves. The man follows.

The boss asks the man: "Where are you going?"

The man then replies: "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

Play it cool...

(Phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?

Me: I always answer on the third ring, it makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: (rolling eyes) Fine, (picks up phone) 911 what's your emergency.

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

I remember my boss once pointed to my desk which was a mess…

He said that a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. He wasn't too happy when I pointed out that his desk was empty.

I was sacked from a packing factory.

I had a big roll of bubble wrap and I said to the foreman "Boss, what shall I do with this?" He said "Just pop it over there in the corner". Took me all bloody day.

Fooling Around

The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"

My boss is so rich

My boss is so rich he even bought a kid for his dog to play with.

Someone once asked me if I would shoot my boss for $50,000...

...I said yes, I would definitely do that, but it's going to take me a while to come up with $50,000.

i asked my boss if i can come to work little late

He said "dream on", So I went to sleep. How nice of him

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the boss boss day jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working boss boss employee piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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