boss Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious boss puns

My boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".



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Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

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I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked what companies?

Gas, water and electricity.

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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked "How many potatoes would you like?"

I said, "I'll just have one please".
She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."

"Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".

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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

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I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

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My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

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I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

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a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

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I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.

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Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.

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I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

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Meeting with the boss

BOSS: Know why I called you in here?

ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic

BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?

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My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

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My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

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IT guy

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

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A man walks into the bar...

The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

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I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

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Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

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Last day of work...(nsfw)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

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BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

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I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.

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Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

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Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick,

Especially since his name is Steve.

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I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"

Then I said "turn left"

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My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

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Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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Layoffs

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off"
"You better jack off, I've got a headache"

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BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you

is an owl?

ME: Who?

*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180Β°*

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What are the most funny Boss jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Boss? Well, here are the best Boss dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Boss pick up lines to share with friends.

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