Boss Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked what companies?

Gas, water and electricity.

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.

Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

IT guy

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

A man walks into the bar...

The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

Last day of work...(nsfw)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"

Then I said "turn left"

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Layoffs

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off"
"You better jack off, I've got a headache"

BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you

is an owl?

ME: Who?

*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180Β°*

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

I got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

Boss: Do you know why I called you in here?

Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dic pic

Boss: (Stops pouring 2 glasses of wine)
Accidentally?

credit u/zarina300

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.


It took me three hours.

After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

Testing products on animals

Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.

Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

A guy shows up late for work

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

My boss told me to have a good day

so I went home.

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, Hey boss, what's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?

I'm not coming in tomorrow.

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

I've been having sex with my boss

It's one of the many benefits of being self employed

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers

So I just stared at him until he apologized.

I phoned my boss.

I said, "I'm not coming in today. I've got chickenpox."

He said, "Don't give me that!"

I said, "I won't. I'm not coming in."

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...

I had to put my foot down.

My boss told me to have a good day

So I left.

Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"

Boss: It's May.

Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?

A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he'll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

My boss said, "Have a good day"...

So I went home.

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.

"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".

credits to u/Mr-Everest

I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.

He said, "You can't be serious."

I said, "I know."

An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly nsfw)

His boss answers "I don't know."

The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"

What are the funniest boss jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Boss? Well, here are the best Boss puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Boss pick up lines to share with friends.

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