Boss Jokes
160 boss jokes and hilarious boss puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about boss that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article contains boss jokes that will make you laugh out loud. If you're looking for a good laugh, then this is the article for you!
Quick Jump To
- Short Boss Jokes
- Boss One Liners
- Boss Day Jokes
- Employee Boss Jokes
- Boss Employee Jokes
- Boss And Employee Jokes
- More Boss Jokes
Funniest Boss Short Jokes
Short boss jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The boss humour may include short master jokes also.
- My boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those - Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem. Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity. - I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
- I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.... My boss asked what companies?
Gas, water and electricity. - I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?" "I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry - My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
- Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
- a guy got an interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board - My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
- I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.
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Boss One Liners
Which boss one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with boss? I can suggest the ones about employer and lord.
- I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
- My boss fired me for making too many asian jokes It was the end of my Korea
- A man walks into the bar... The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints. - What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's farm ? The CIEIO
- My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
- My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers So I just stared at him until he apologized.
- My boss told me to have a good day So I left.
- My boss said, "Have a good day"... So I went home.
- Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays? Me: It's my weekend immune system.
- My boss said he's going to fire everyone with bad posture. I have a hunch it might be me.
- Why doesn't Superman need a boss? (OC) He already has supervision.
- TIFU By Eating My Boss's Sandwich Oops wrong sub.
- Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it
- My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it.
- My boss accused me of benefit fraud so I threw my crutches to the ground and walked out
Boss Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny boss day jokes and even better boss day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas? He said, It's May.
Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas? - "I love my job!" said the farmer "All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me." - Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?" Boss: It's May.
Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas? - Really wanted the day off, so I texted my boss... "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
I'm not coming in this morning.
(I got some time off now) - First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test" and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."
- I lost my job at the calendar factory. My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.
- I took a cab the other day,and the driver told me, I love my job; I own this car; I have got my own business; I am my own boss; NO ONE tells me what to do. I said, Turn left here mate.
- My boss pulled me aside at work one day And said you're a high functioning alcoholic, I asked him how he knew that I was also high
- As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom. Tom Orrow.
- Boss: this is your third day coming in late this week. Do you know what that means? Employee: it means today is Wednesday
Employee Boss Jokes
Here is a list of funny employee boss jokes and even better employee boss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter? Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds! - A small joke I remembered Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!
Employee: sorry boss
Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory
Employee: oh no - My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
- My boss just said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture.... I have a hunch its me.
- My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he'll fire the employee with the worst posture... I have a hunch it might be me...
- An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there.
The boss looks at him and says:
Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer. - Boss shows up at a job site Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"
Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find." - An employee asks his boss, "Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?" His boss replied, "It's May...", to which the employee responded, "Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?"
- How to ask for a raise Employee: Sir, I really need a salary increment, 4 companies are after me.
Boss: Which 4?
Employee: Electricity, Gas, Cable, Credit Card. - My wife wanted to role-play.. ..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.
Boss Employee Jokes
Here is a list of funny boss employee jokes and even better boss employee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An employee was drinking on the job His boss saw him and said Hey you can't be drinking while you are working!
The employee said but I'm not working
They both laughed and then he got fired. - The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?" "Yes, I become a mother."
"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"
"In 9 months." - My boss told us that a customer complained about an employee with bad posture. I have hunch it was me.
- Why did the employee's paycheck smell like parsley? Their boss had garnished their wages
- Like a Boss - Employee Gets Owned! Boss: "Send me one of your funny jokes."
Employee: "I'm working at the moment. I will send you one later."
Boss: "That was fantastic! Send me another one!" - boss-employee Boss to Employee : What are you doing today?
Employee : Nothing.
Boss : But yesterday also you did nothing.
Employee : Yeah, but I could not finish it yesterday - Boss: Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary? Employee: I am allergic to peanuts.
- A frustrated boss is talking with a mediocre employee. He asks, "Are you dumb or just apathetic?" The employee responds "I don't know, and I don't care."
- So I ruined the employee barbecue yesterday. My boss wouldn't stop grilling me about it.
- OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Boss And Employee Jokes
Here is a list of funny boss and employee jokes and even better boss and employee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the Australian boss say to his lazy employee? Didgeridoo those papers I asked for?
- After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise.. When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool
- BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record... [2 wks later]
ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt - Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways! Employee: But I'm a college graduate!
Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once. - Best Boss to Employee Convo Boss: Have you typed the paper I needed yet?
Employee: I'm sorry, I don't know how to type paper.
Boss: I'll help you, but the paper might be pink. - My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
- [OC] WHAT DID THE OPENING SHIFT EMPLOYEE SAY TO THE BOSS WHEN HE COULDN'T GET INSIDE THE HAT STORE? SORRY MY CAPS KEY IS BROKEN.
- What's the hardest part of being a boss at Game Stop? All your employees trying to jump on your head
- Why does the boss put clocks under employee's desk? Because he wanted them to work over-time~
- We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."
Hilarious Boss Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about boss you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chairman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make boss pranks.
My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln
As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."
Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
I got fired from my job as a massage therapist
My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours.
I got fired today, because my boss caught me m**... with a vegetable
Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
Last day of work...(n**...)
I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."
An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly n**...)
His boss answers "I don't know."
The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"
Layoffs
The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or j**..."
"You better j**..., I've got a headache"
IT guy
John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "
I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.
He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...
He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"
Sheep
At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."
A Blond goes to work in tears.
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
Boss p**...
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.
He said, "You can't be serious."
I said, "I know."
After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week
I told him because it's only Wednesday
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to d**...…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…
Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."
Testing products on animals
Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.
Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.
A guy shows up late for work
The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
I phoned my boss.
I said, "I'm not coming in today. I've got chickenpox."
He said, "Don't give me that!"
I said, "I won't. I'm not coming in."
I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...
I had to put my foot down.
I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."
He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"
I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you
is an owl?
ME: Who?
*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
I was in a Uber today and the driver said,
"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"
Then I said "turn left"
A blonde...
...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest
BOSS: What's going on here?
BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife
A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have s**... with my boss
One of the many perks of self employment.
I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today
He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.
A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, Hey boss, what's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?
I'm not coming in tomorrow.
I've been having s**... with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to d**...…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
Me: Boss, I'm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks Can you see me? and they respond
Yes
Oui
Si
Ja
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
Boss: Why do you-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: What is your biggest wea-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.
An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.
The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.
*Phone rings at work*
Boss: Why don't you answer it?
Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.
Boss: ANSWER IT g**...!
Me: 911, what's the emergency?
A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.
A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
I caught two teenagers smoking p**... outside my office window.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two teenagers smoking p**... outside my office window.
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?
I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: "What companies are those?"
Me: "The electricity company and the water company."
A man and a woman are talking in the office.
The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."
The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."
The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.
Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says: "You must've gone crazy from all that working, you can take the day off."
The woman leaves. The man follows.
The boss asks the man: "Where are you going?"
The man then replies: "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."
A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."
The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sells the bear the beer. "You know," says the clerk, "we don't get many bears around here." To which the bear replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
Someone once asked me if I would shoot my boss for $50,000...
...I said yes, I would definitely do that, but it's going to take me a while to come up with $50,000.
I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.
He said For f**...'s sake, will you stop painting the d**... things and just hammer them into the d**... wall
