Boss Employee Jokes

Boss comes up to an employee:
"Yesterday you did a great job - in one day you managed to do as much work, as you did in previous month!"
"Thanks boss, that's because Facebook was shut down for the whole day."

We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

Who Is The Real Boss?

The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back

An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly n**...)

His boss answers "I don't know."
The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"

Taking a sick day

An employee walks in to his boss's office and tells him he has an upset stomach and a really bad headache. He then asks his boss what he should do. His boss says, "When I get to feeling really sick like that, I go home, lay down, have s**... with my wife, then sleep the day away. I always awake feeling much better the next day."
The employee shows up the next day bright eyed and bushy tailed, walks in to his boss's office and said "Gee boss, that worked really well! I feel loads better! Nice house by the way..."

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...

...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"
The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his t**... feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."
"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."

Drug test.

Boss: We're going to do a drug test.
Employee: Okay, what kind of drugs are we testing?

Job application

Boss at company was looking at job applications and took half of them and threw them at bin. Assistant looked at him and asked why would he do such thing and the boss said, we don't need employees with bad luck here.

A guy at work had a terrible headache...

and told his boss. His boss replied, "Whenever I have a headache I go home and make passionate love to my wife. The headache goes away pretty fast - you should try it."
The employee left early and was gone for the rest of the day. The next morning the boss asked him about his headache and he replied, "I took your advice and you're right - it worked perfectly! By the way, you have a beautiful house!"

My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why...

I think it's because he was caught with a bag of c**.... But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it.

Title goes here

An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.
Why did you leave that job? asked one co-worker. It was something my boss said, she replied.
What did he say? the co-worker quizzed.
You're fired.

My wife wanted to role-play..

..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.

Compliment of a HOT Secretary...

Secretary to her Boss: I want to complain of an employee here in our office.
Boss: What happened?
Secretary: Whenever we cross each other, he says that my hair smell too good.
Boss: That's just a compliment.
Secretary: It's not, he is a midget.

Boss: Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary?

Employee: I am allergic to peanuts.

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."

One morning, a man was feeling under the weather at work

so he told his boss that he's going home, since he's not feeling well.
His boss mentions that whenever he's not feeling well, he goes home and makes love to his wife, and that always makes him feel better. He recommends the employee try that and let him know.
The employee agrees and leaves work. Later that day, his boss sees him come back to work, so he asks him if his advice helped.
The employee responds that it did help, and that he's feeling a lot better, and by the way "You have a lovely house!"

Best Boss to Employee Convo

Boss: Have you typed the paper I needed yet?
Employee: I'm sorry, I don't know how to type paper.
Boss: I'll help you, but the paper might be pink.

Why does the boss put clocks under employee's desk?

Because he wanted them to work over-time~

The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

Like a Boss - Employee Gets Owned!

Boss: "Send me one of your funny jokes."
Employee: "I'm working at the moment. I will send you one later."
Boss: "That was fantastic! Send me another one!"

An employee and her boss are having s**....

Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?

Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways!

Employee: But I'm a college graduate!
Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once.

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."

BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record...

[2 wks later]
ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

A frustrated boss is talking with a mediocre employee. He asks, "Are you dumb or just apathetic?"

The employee responds "I don't know, and I don't care."

boss-employee

Boss to Employee : What are you doing today?
Employee : Nothing.
Boss : But yesterday also you did nothing.
Employee : Yeah, but I could not finish it yesterday

After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise..

When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool

A woman filed a s**... harassment to the HR Department.

Hot employee: Sir I would like to file a complaint for s**... harrassment to my boss.

HR employee: So what did he do or say to you ?

Hot employee: He said my hair smells sweet and lovely today.
HR employees : I don't see a problem there. Aren't you just overreacting a bit he just complimented that your hair smells good.

Hot employee: SIR!! You don't understand my boss is a midget!!!

A hot female employee filed a s**... harrassment complaint.

Hot employee: Sir I would like to file a complaint to my boss.
HR Dep: So miss what did he say, or do to you that would make you file a complaint?
Hot employee: he said the other day that my hair smelled sweet and alluring.
HR Dep: I don't see anything wrong that would incite or imply any s**... harassment. He just complimented that your hair smells good.
Hot employee: SIR YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY BOSS IS A MIDGET!!!!

What's the hardest part of being a boss at Game Stop?

All your employees trying to jump on your head

A joke for my fellow comrades

An employee sees his boss getting off his Lamborghini at work. "Very nice car you have there.", says the employee. On that the boss replies: "A very nice one indeed and if you work very hard, always do your very best, make a lot of effort, and always work extra hours I will be able to afford another one."

A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines,

And everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.
"But why?" protested the hapless young man.
"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."

A guy asked his boss for a day off because he was feeling sick.

His boss told him : When I'm feeling sick,I kiss my wife and kids,and my illness goes away.Try it.
Ok - said the employee,
An hour passes and the boss asks him how it went.
The employee replies : It was hard at first because she refused,but then your wife agreed and my illness dissapeared.

Employee of the month

When my boss asked me who is the s**... one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire s**... people.

What did the Australian boss say to his lazy employee?

Didgeridoo those papers I asked for?

Boss calls in his top 4 employees.

Boss:
Been doing some evaluations. And I am very upset at the results. James, you appear to be buying c**... from some K-Fish. Peterson, you appear to be taking m**... from this same K-Fish. I'm mostly disappointed at you, Jessie, for purchasing pills from this K-Fish person as well.
This is why I'm promoting Kevin Fishouse, for being a great role model for the company.

[OC] WHAT DID THE OPENING SHIFT EMPLOYEE SAY TO THE BOSS WHEN HE COULDN'T GET INSIDE THE HAT STORE?

SORRY MY CAPS KEY IS BROKEN.

Why were all the male employees happy at the balloon inflating factory ?

Because their female boss gave them a b**....

A Manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar

A manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar, full of bright ideas and cheerfulness. He calls a meeting of all of his employees and announces that his office door will be open, and he will be easily accessible for the rest of the week, and if there is ANYTHING an employee needs, now is the time to come talk to him.
Less than an hour later, the manager is sitting in his office, and Joe comes in sheepishly.
"Boss," says Joe, "I've got a problem."
"No, Joe!" says the manager. "In this company, we do not have problems. We have opportunities!"
"Ok boss," says Joe, "I've got a drinking opportunity"

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.
Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

An employee's only job was to throw away M&M's that weren't perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M's. When asked why, the employee replied...

A lot of them had W's instead of M's, so I threw them out.

The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"

"Yes, I become a mother."
"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"
"In 9 months."

So a boss walks into his business meeting

He sits at the head of the table and says
We need to stop testing our products on animals
One of his employees exclaim Why?! Makeup brands do it all the time!
He turns to her and says Susan? We make hammers, what do you not understand!

My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the h**... have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"

I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can't take the cilantro right away.
Give me a second, he says
Take your time, the employee responds patiently.
The chef snaps back I told you to give me a second! Also I asked for cilantro!

The boss approaches the new employee...

...and tells him to sweep the office.
"I'm sorry but I went to Harvard" the employee replies
The boss responds "Oh, my bad. In this case I have to show you how to do this"

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.
"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.
"Yes."
"May I speak to him?"
"No."
"Well can I speak to your mom?"
"No, she's with the policeman."
Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"
"No. He's busy talking to the man in the helicopter that's bringing in the search team."
"My Lord!" says the boss, now really worried. "What are they searching for?"
"Me." the kid chortles.

After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.

And how much of a raise do you want? asks his boss.
I'm thinking an extra $10,000 a year, says the employee.
The boss nods. Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadillac?
The employee sits up straight. Wow! he says. Are you kidding?
* Yes, but you started it. *

Brain f**...

Boss: Does your wife want to go skiing with my wife in North America?
Employee: Alaska?
Boss: Great, the and let me know by Monday.

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren't sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.
Wow said someone in the back. Imagine the score he could've gotten if he wasn't sick

An employee was drinking on the job

His boss saw him and said Hey you can't be drinking while you are working!
The employee said but I'm not working
They both laughed and then he got fired.

The Boss

The boss comes to work with a new car and some employee was in the parking lot also.
The employee sees the car and says:
- Wow, nice car boss.
The boss replies:
- If you work hard and put in extra hours, next year I'll buy a better one.

A man's printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.
Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?
Actually, it was my boss's idea, said the young employee. He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!

My boss told us that a customer complained about an employee with bad posture.

I have hunch it was me.

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"
"In 3 months," the employee replies.

Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil

Boss: How was your trip?
Employee: It was fine but I don't like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and h**....
Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?
Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?