Borrowed Jokes

What are some Borrowed jokes?

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"

So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"

"He slapped my left cheek."

So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenged you. You can tell your husband that he has slapped my daughter, but I have slapped his wife"

*Joke borrowed from Les Miserables, written in 1862.*

I borrowed money from a pessimist because

he doesn't expect me to pay him back

My girlfriend borrowed 200$ from me when we met. 4 years later, when we broke up, she gave me exactly 200$ back.

I lost interest in that relationship.

Library suicide

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"

Borrowed Car

One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"

See your report card

Johnny's father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don't have it.
Johnny's father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

A child tells her mother "Daddy says he needs to borrow your typewriter"...

The woman smiles, knowing this is their secret code for sex, but knowing she is on her period, tells her daughter "Tell Daddy that my typewriter only has red ink right now." So the child goes to tell her father.

The next day, the mother tells her child, "Tell Daddy he can use my typewriter now." When the child comes back, she tells her mother. "Daddy said he borrowed the neighbors typewriter."

I'm not fishing

A woman had become tired of the family stressing around her, so she went to the nearest lake and borrowed a boat, sailed out to the middle of the lake, throws in the anchor and sits down and starts reading the book she brought with her.

Ten minutes later a boat aproaches and she notices it is the sheriff.

"Do you have a fishing permit?" the sheriff asks

"no, I'm not fishing I'm reading my book"

"but you have the boat full of fishing equipment, there's nothing to stop you from fishing when I turn my
back on you. So I will have ask you to follow me to the shore, so I can write you a fine for illegal fishing"

"If you do that I'll yell rape"

"Rape?"

"yeah you got the equipment for it, there's nothing to stop you from using it when I turn my back on you"

the sheriff tips his hat to the lady "Enjoy the book, and have a nice day"


*edit spelling*

I borrowed my umbrella to a girl

That makes the number of girls I got wet this year equal to -1.

Borrowed a pair of my stepdad's socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.

They have a hole in one.

What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed?

Thanks for the handy cap.

I borrowed a book from my dad about anti-gravity

I couldn't put it down.

Smart blonde joke

Whoah, I know. Here it is: so a blonde walks into a bank and asked to borrow a $500 loan. The bank needs some colleratal so she gives the bank her Rolls Royce. After a couple of months she comes back and promptly pays the loan back. The bank clerk asked why she borrowed the money if she could pay it back easily.
She said, "cheapest parking in San Francisco."

Why was the borrowed money sad?

It was a loan.

What is Jedi's favourite computer language?

JabbaScript

\-Borrowed from source

Murphy's Car Is Stolen

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.  Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.  'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.

A collection of puns in one text.

[Context: Friend borrowed a great book by Yahtzee Croshaw, "Jam"]

Friend: I'm liking Jam a lot.

Me: Sweet. Glad you got absorbed in it. It's a berry good book. So many sticky situations for the seed of character development.

Friend: *turns off phone*

My girlfriend borrowed $500 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $500.

Why even bother checking the punchline guys?

A Mormon man married a second wife..

A Mormon man married a second wife but after several months he could not bear all the expenses from the 2 wives so he decided to divorce one of them.

He called both of his wives and gave them $70 each and told them that he will leave for a week. And when he comes back he will see which one is better with money management.

After a week he came back. He found the old wife still have $10 left but the new wife has borrowed an extra $50.
So, he divorced the old one because she can take care of her self.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

I asked a terrorist how his day was going...

He said it was great, his son died in a car bombing. The only problem? His son borrowed his car.

What did the vowel A say to his fellow vowel E when he borrowed money?

I O U

My mate borrowed 20 grand for plastic surgery.

Now I don't know what he looks like.

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

I borrowed my dad's identification...

... It was a terrible ID.

What happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend?

He lost it.

My friend finally went to the library and borrowed a science book

About time

Dad on the last day of school:

So, where's your school report, my boy?

Tom: Sorry, I'll bring it a day later.

Dad: Why?

Tom: I borrowed it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.

Last week I moved into a new suburb

My neighbour came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over with a shovel and asked if he needed a hand. He said "no I'm alright, I'm just deciding whether to repost because this place hates reposts"

My BF husband said he wanted to do me "Greek style..."

so I borrowed a ton of money and then left the union...

My neighbor lent me some spices and I accidentally sat on them.

At this point I'm on borrowed thyme.

Not making it up: I actually saw a turn signal used on a BMW.

I'm guessing it was borrowed.

Seaworld has borrowed a shark to try and make one of their own sharks pregnant...

Personally, I think I would have looked at other options before going to a loan shark...

2 Old Friends get in a terrible fight,

One of them declares " I'm not going to be your friend any more. I'm going home and get everything I ever borrowed and bring it all back!" "What about the money I've loaned you?" "Well... I'm not that mad at you!"

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