born Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious born stories

What are the best Born puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Born? Well here is a complete list of Born to have fun with:

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little girl asks her mother, Mommy, how was I born?

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.

Now it's your turn to speak.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



πŸ‘πŸΌ

my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded
"Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.













Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bar Psychic

I was telling a girl in a bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My favorite dad joke that I've only gotten to tell three times

You know how as kids get older, someone always says "It feels like just yesterday he/she was born"? Well...

I have three kids. The day after my first was born, I was holding him in the hospital rocking chair, and this joke just kind of popped into my head.

I looked up at my wife and said "Honey, he looks so big already." She smiled. I looked back down at my son with tears of love in my eyes and said, "It feels like just yesterday he was born."

She rolled her eyes at me and groaned.

I have a vasectomy now, so sadly I will no longer be able to tell this joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.

I was born ready.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My favorite all-ages joke.

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.


"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

"I'll have a......





....



.....


....



....


....





...beer." the bear says.

"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

:)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Father has three daughters..

Daughter 1: Dad, why did you name me Rose?

Dad: Because sweetie, a Rose petal fell on your head when you were born.

Daughter 2: Dad, why did you name me Lily?

Dad: Because sweetie, a Lily petal fell on your head when you were born.

Daughter 3: hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??! nfhriirb!!? Jfjebdjhcb!!??!

Dad: SHUT THE FUCK UP CINDERBLOCK!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Thankfully, it all changed when I was born.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My dad never really loved me as a child

I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A baby boy was born last week with no eyelids.

They used his foreskin to graft eyelids.

The poor kid is now cockeyed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman pregnant with twins goes into labor unexpectedly.

Her brother drove her to the hospital, since her husband was away on business. It was a very risky delivery, and the doctors had to put her under during the procedure.

The woman woke up and immediately asked, "Are my babies okay?"

The nurse on call said reassuringly, "Oh yes, your children were born healthy, a boy and a girl. However -- your brother had to name them because we needed to get the birth certificates filled out."

Nervously, she asked, "What did he name my daughter?"

"Denise," the nurse replied.

Relieved, the woman said, "That's a lovely name! I was worried he'd come up with something truly awful. And my son?"

"Denephew."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man has three daughters...

One of them goes up to him one day and says, "Daddy, why was I named Rose?" The dad replies, "Because when you were born, a rose petal fell onto your head.

A second daughter asks him, "Daddy, why was I named Daisy?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were born, a daisy petal fell onto your head."

His last daughter says, "Guuuuaaaahuuugghhhhhppoakkk!" And the dad says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A child and Human Origin

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"


So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."


The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."


The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"


His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body

then I was born.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cow is talking to her three calves

The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."

The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."

The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"

"Shut it, Cinderblock!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I tickled my little brothers foot this morning. And my mom went crazy about it.

Something about "Waiting until he's born".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When I was born I was so surprised

I didn't talk for a year & a half

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boob, a vagina and an asshole walk into a bar...

A boob, a vagina and an asshole walk into a bar and they start debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to speak.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley...

The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy! mommy! Guess what?!" And the mom asks "what?" And the little girl says "I went tinkle and the bullet fell out!" And the mother says "wow that's great!" A few hours later the other little girl goes into the bathroom and comes out and says "mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom goes "what, you went tinkle and the bullet fell out?" And the girl goes "yeah!" Hours later the little boy runs up the mother and says "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom says "what, You went tinkle and the bullet fell out?" And the boy says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old Russian Joke

A father is waiting for his kid to be born in the hospital. He's super nervous, pacing back and forth, cigars in his breast pocket ready to go. After what seems like a several days, a doctor finally walks into the waiting room and asks who's waiting for the baby. The father runs up to the doctor.

Doctor: "You have a baby boy."
Father: "I'm so happy!! I've always wanted a boy! I'm a huge soccer fan and I can't wait to play soccer with my son, go to all his games and watch become a great player!"
Doctor: "I don't know how to tell you this sir, but your son was born without any legs."

The father fights back some tears, but bounces back pretty quickly.

Father: "You know what, that's ok, my wife is a brilliant piano player, and she's always wanted to pass down her love of music to our child. She'll teach him to play beautiful music, we'll go to all his concerts, we'll be so proud of him."

Doctor: "I'm sorry sir, but your son was kind of born without any arms."

Now the father has a much harder time holding back the tears. He takes a minute to collect himself.

Father: "You know, I'm a god fearing man, and I'm sure god had a plan for my son, and I guess that plan has to involve him having a brilliant mind, and he'll solve world problems, and go down in history as one of the great thinkers!"

Doctor: "....sir I don't know quite how to say this, but your son was kind of born without a head."

The father starts to cry and getting really upset.

Father: "Just take me to see my son, I want to see him."

The doctor takes the father down a long hallway, and in this operating room is this gigantic perfect ear.

The father starts sobbing, and through his cries he's speaking to his son,

Father: "Son I'm so sorry this had to happen to you, but I don't want you to worry, we're going to have a great life together, we'll do all the things fathers and sons do."

Then the doctor leans over to the father and says,

Doctor: "You have to speak up, he can't hear well."


There you have it. Good ol' russian humor. 30 dick punches, and then a tasteful nut tap. Hope you enjoyed this episode of Old Russian Joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A baby boy was born without eyelids. After the circumcision, the doctors used the foreskin to make eyelids.

Now he's cockeyed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Mystery of Childbirth

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Born without eyelids.

Last week a little boy was born at the hospital without any eyelids. Puzzled the doctors didn't know what to make of it. In a snap of genius, when they circumcised the boy they also replaced his missing eyelids. Only problem is now he's cock-eyed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are the majority of firefighters men?

They've been training with fluid launching cannons since the day they were born.

I'll show myself out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My first memory occurred 9 months before I was born...

...I remember going to this party with my dad but then i went home with my mom.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young Native American boy walks up to his father...

...and asks "Father how do we get our names?"
Father says: "When your brother was born, I came out of the teepee and saw a bear standing in the distance, so we called your brother Standing Bear.

Then, when your sister was born, a white dove flew by the teepee when I stepped outside, so we named your sister White Dove.

Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why wasn't Jesus born in Detroit?

Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"How are babies born?"

Little Johnny comes up to his mother and asks her

"Mom, how are babies born?"

"Well I told you already honey, a stork brings
them"

"Yeah that's obvious, but who fucks the stork?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Re-post but one of my all time favorites (somewhat altered)

One day a father and his two daughters, Petal and Fridge, were having a picnic. Petal curiously asks her father; "Daddy, why is my name Petal?" to which he replies; "Well honey on the day you were born a petal from a beautiful flower slowly fell through the air and landed right on your forehead. Your mother and I thought the name fit you perfectly." Then Fridge asks; "BRAW WAW AAWWW OOWWW AHH AAWA?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Obedient husband

Little boy was curious why did his father do everything his mother asked, so one day he asked his dad: "Dad, why are you so obedient. None of other dads listen to their wife's like you."
Dad said: "Well, you see son, when you were born, your mother and I made a deal. If she would allow me to give you your name I would do anything she asks for the rest of our lives"
"Was it worth it, dad."
"It sure was, Goku."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

And then there's me...

A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful girl. He said to her, "you're pretty!"
"I know." She said, arrogantly.
"You have a beautiful figure!"
"I know." She said again.
"It must be nice to be born with such beautiful features!" He said.
"It is." she replied.
"And then there's me, I was born a liar." He said, before promptly leaving the bar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why can't you trick a miscarriage?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Kid's innocence!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

...it wasn't born yesterday...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best born jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty born gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these born jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Born jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Born joke? You are free to share every Born joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

JokoJokes