boris Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious boris puns

Boris Johnson coronavirus joke

For those sending around vile jokes about the Prime Minister in ICU... please remember the words of The Queen last night:

I hope in the years to come everyone will be able to take pride in how they responded to this challenge. Show some class.


About a Russian fisherman

A Russian fisherman named Boris goes fishing one day.

He catches a goldfish, which says "Don't eat me! If you let me go, I'll grant you one wish."

Boris replies "Alright, I want to piss Vodka"

The goldfish grants his wish, and Boris lets it go.

When he comes home, his wife Natasha asks how the fishing went, but he hurriedly left for the bathroom. He took a glass from the kitchen first.

When he took a piss in the glass, he was amazed that his wish came true. He smelled it, and it smelled like vodka. He looked at it, and it looked like vodka. He tasted it, and it tasted like the best vodka in the world.

He ran downstairs and yelled "Natasha, taste this!"

She replied "It's amazing! Where did you get it?"

To what he replied "Ah, that's a secret!"

So this continues for a few weeks, when Boris comes to bed with only 1 glass of Vodka.

Natasha asked him "Why do you only have 1 glass, when there are 2 of us?"

And so Boris smiled and said "Natasha... Tonight you drink straight from the bottle."


A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.

The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"

The Russian answers, "Boris."

The border guard asks, "Occupation?"

The Russian says, "No, just visiting."


UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)


Old, Russian

An old one...

Rambo Retard, the American, and Boris Bog, the Russian, are sitting in MacDonald's hamburger restaurant in Santa Fe, discussing communism.

"In America we have such freedom," claims Rambo Retard, stuffing his mouth with a cheeseburger. "For example, any man who wants to can walk right up to the steps of the White House and call President Bush an asshole!"

"Ah!" retorts Boris, the Russian. "We have equal freedom in Russia. Any man who wants to can walk right up to the steps of the Kremlin and call President Bush an asshole, too!"


Russian Condoms!

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.


Boris and Ivan are walking down the street in Leningrad

Boris: It is beautiful day in Soviet Russia! I am happy to live in glorious motherland!

Ivan: Nyet. *We* are happy to live in glorious motherland.

Boris: Blyat. My bad.

Ivan: Our bad.


My name is Boris....

I build many fences but do they call me Borris the fence maker? No. I deliver many babies but do the call me Borris the baby deliverer? No! I build many orphanages but do they call me Borris the orphanage builder? NO! But you fuck ONE goat...


I was having lunch with Boris, the Estonian IT guy....

He was telling me about the crazy night he had before moving to the US. He said
"I drank so much I go home with two Soviet prostitutes who live together with their fancy grey cat."

"Russian blue?"

"No but Ukrainian gave handjob!"


What's Boris Johnson's favourite TV show?

Deal or No Deal


Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!


USA in the 90s: "Boris Yeltsin is the worst leader possible!"

USA 2016: "Hold my beer"


What did the cop say to Boris Yosanavich after pulling him over for speeding?

Quit Russian.


Russia. Little Boris comes running to his alcoholic father.

"Daddy, daddy! I just heard that vodka has risen in price. That means you'll be drinking less from now on?"

"No, junior. That means you'll be eating less," the father replies.


2 people confessed to killing Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov


Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room...Oh God. This isn't even a joke anymore.



When Trump and Boris are elected...

>When Trump and Boris are elected...

...they'll be like toupees in a pod.


Boris ventilator joke

Boris Johnson joked to senior company bosses that the scheme to build more ventilators in such a short time frame could be called 'Operation Last Gasp'.


Teacher to russian student: Boris, beware, I have eyes in my back!

russian student: What Are you braging about? I came from Chernobyl, I had a tail!


What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

I'm putin' that guy to sleep


Why did Boris Johnson Brexit?

Because just imagine the baby he'd have made if he hadn't pulled out of Angela Merkel!


Boris Johnson's always been a tough politcal speaker....

Turns out he's just a mummy's boy.


if boris johnson was priminster he'd make all of us shop at Borrisons


What do Boris Johnson, the British Economy, and an entertained cube of beef extract have in common?

They're all laughing stocks.


Who's the UK's new foreign secretary?

Boris Johnson


What did Boris ask Delores?

Can I lick your clitoris?


Boris Johnson is getting divorced from his wife

Since his wife said "I want to leave EU" and after the divorce bill goes through, Boris will officially be entering the single market.


Whats see-through and scares everyone that thinks about it?

Boris Johnson's claims he doesn't want to be Prime Minister.


What are the most funny Boris jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Boris? Well, here are the best Boris dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Boris pick up lines to share with friends.


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