bored Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bored puns

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

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Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

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I've been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

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What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

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A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

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Two midgets are sitting around, bored...

When one of them pulls out some weed and asks:

"Wanna get medium?"

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Asian Keanu

Asian Keanu arrives at party.

Asian Keanu gets bored.

Asian Keanu Reeves.

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I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, What'll you have? I said, Surprise me.

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

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Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...

The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."

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What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored?

He racism.

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Is it possible to be bored to death?

That all depends on the drill.

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A zoophile, a necrophile, a sadist, a masochist, and a pyromaniac....

are all waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take them to the mental institution.

The zoophile says: "I'm bored. Let's fuck a cat!"

The sadist says: "Let's fuck a cat, then kill it!"

The necrophile says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, and then fuck it again!"

The pyromaniac says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire!"

The masochist says: "Meow!"

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What does my dad do when he's drunk and bored?

Beats me

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Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

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Why did the Hobbit put his phone on silent?

Because he was bored of the rings!

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Soon after my girlfriend got pregnant, I got scared. She then got angry and shouted! Then I got high and vanished.

Then we both got bored of Scrabble and had sex.

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The other day, I walked in on my wife masturbating with a coat hanger.

"Are you bored, honey?" I said.

"I'm a bit horny..." she replied.

"Why don't you use a dildo?"

"What do you think I'm looking for?"

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Obama walks into a bar.....

Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.

Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"

"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."

"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were terrorist hotspots not too long ago?"

"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."

"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"

"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."

Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:

"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.

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Lil Tyrone's question

On a fine sunny day, Lil Tyrone was sitting in his 4th grade math class. Feeling bored as usual, he decided to compare the size of his dick with his classmates. To his surprise, his was much bigger than any of his classmate's.

Feeling happy but curious at the same time, he went home and asked his dad:

"Hey dad, I was comparing the size of my dick with my classmates today, and mine was so much bigger than everyone else's! Is it because I'm black?"

Upon hearing lil Tyrone's question, his dad looked him straight in the eyes and replied:

"No Tyrone, it's because you're 18."

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A zoophile, sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophiliac, and pyromaniac are sitting in an asylum

A zoophile, sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophiliac, and pyromaniac are sitting in an asylum, bored out of their minds.

The zoophile says, "Let's have sex with a cat."
The sadist says, "Let's have sex with a cat, then torture it."
The murderer says, "Let's have sex with a cat, then torture it, then kill it."
The necrophiliac says, "Let's have sex with a cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again."
The pyromaniac says, "Let's have sex with a cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then set it on fire."
The masochist says, "Meow?"

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The god Thor is bored one day and decided to try out having sex with a mortal woman...

He heads down to earth and finds a beautiful young woman. Pouring on the charm, he convinces her to go to bed with him. He goes back to her place and enjoys her in every possible way, absolutely plowing her with all his god-like strength and endurance. 7 hours later, he rolls off. She's laying there, gasping and panting, shaking, and exhausted from the most incredible sex she's ever had in her life. She can't even speak. All she can do is stroke his chest with a trembling hand. He understands her point, though. He was amazing.

"I've got a confession to make," he says. "I'm actually Thor."

"You're thor!? I'm tho thor, I won't be able to thit down for a week!

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I'm bored

Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.

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Wonder woman

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."

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Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He's looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt Hi, I'm here to see about joining your new golf course
Receptionist Hmmm I'm not so sure if that would be allowed sir
Usain Bolt Can I ask why? Have you sold all memberships?
Receptionist I'm afraid not sir, you see the owner of the course is rather racist and he won't allow black members. There is another golf course just 15 minutes down the road, I'm sure you can join them
Usain Bolt That is horrible! Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!
Receptionist Ah ok the other course will only be 5 minutes down the road then

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The father says to his son: "I brought all your toys to the orphanage."

The son answers: "Why did you do this?!"

"So you don't get bored."

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A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks

He sets the ducks on the bar and excuses himself the the restroom.

The bartender, bored, looks at one of the ducks and says "Hey there little fella, what's your name?" To his surprise, the duck responds "My names Huey!"
The bartender then asks "Well Huey, how was your day?"
"Oh, it was pretty good, I was in and out of puddles all day."

The bartender turns to the second duck and asks "What's your name?"
"I'm Dewey!"
"Oh, and how was your day?"
"Pretty good, I was in and out of puddles all day!"

The bartender turns to the third duck and says "You must be Louie!" To which the third duck says "No, I'm Puddles, and dont ask me about my fucking day!"

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An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he's coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. "That barber is a right moron!" he exclaims, "He's got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!"

(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old

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My girlfriend is getting bored of my obsession with pretending to be a detective, she's suggested we should split up.

It's a good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.

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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Pascal!"

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So a leprechaun appears at this man's front door...

and offers the man three wishes. Now this man was overjoyed as he was only farmer that barely got by. The leprechaun first says, "I will grant ye three wishes, and then in return get me own wish." The farmer accepted without blinking. For his first wish the farmer wishes for all the land in Texas to be his own. The leprechaun looking bored replies, "Yes, yes, that's done." The farmer looks around and then moves onto his second wish. He says, "I wish that all the money in Texas was mine." Once again the leprechaun hurries to grant the wish. "Done," says the leprechaun without a moments pause. "And lastly, I wish that I was the most attractive man in all of Texas." The leprechaun replies, "Oh that's a great wish. Now time for my wish. I wish that you would let me fuck you in the ass." The farmer was shocked. He went into serious contemplation of whether it was worth it or not. After about five minutes he decided it was a worthwhile trade off. So the leprechaun starts fucking him in the ass and they get to talking. The leprechaun says, "How old are ye?" The farmer tells him that he is 38. The leprechaun, with a big smile, replies, "38 huh? Aren't you a little old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

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Let's discuss nuclear power

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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Making your day...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"

Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"

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Timmy learns about construction

Little Timmy's sitting at home complaining to his mom that he's bored.
A new house is being built next door so she says, "Why don't you go next door and maybe you can learn something about construction. Just make sure to stay out of everyone's way." "OK." Timmy replies and heads next door. Hours later, Timmy finally comes back home. "Wow, you've been over there all day." his Mom says. "You must have learned a lot about construction." "I sure did!" he replies. "Well, what did you learn?" she asks. "Well, first you put the motherfucker up and the piece of shit won't fit. So, you take the son of a bitch down, take off a couple cunt hairs and slap the bastard back up." Timmy's mom is taken aback and warns him, "You wait til your father gets home." A short while later, Timmy's dad finds him in his room. "So," he says, "your mother tells me you learned a bit about construction today. Why don't you tell me what you learned." "Well," Timmy says, "first you put the motherfucker up and the piece of shit won't fit. So, you take the son of a bitch down, take off a couple cunt hairs and slap the bastard back up." Timmy's dad's face goes beet-red. "That's it. Go get the switch." he says angrily. "Fuck you, Dad, that's the electrician's job."

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4 guys are hanging out

And they were really bored. So the Zoophile has an idea to heighten the mood. He tells them, "let's take a cat and let's rape it." The Sadist says "let's take the cat, rape it, and then stab it." The arsonist says "let's take the cat, rape it, stab it, and then set it on fire." After a long pause, the masochist says "meow."

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Two Zombies Are Having A Conversation..

Two zombies start talking about their past lives as humans. The main talker is rambling on and on about what he would have been. Suddenly, the second starts walking around normally, not stumbling into everything. The first is amazed and stares at him. "How.. did you do that?", he asks. The second realizes what he's doing and stops, looking back to the first. "Oh, I'm sorry. You just bored me back to life."

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What are the most funny Bored jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bored? Well, here are the best Bored dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bored pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes