border Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious border puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

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What borders stupidity?

Mexico & Canada

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Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

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Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says No Tres passing

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Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

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A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

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Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

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Who says building a border wall won't work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.

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Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"

The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

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A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three?

Because it says "No Trespassing".

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Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time?

Because the signs say "No trespassing"

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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in three's?

The sign says "no trespassing."

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The border guard

So there is this border guard and one day he sees a guy crossing the border on his bicycle with two big bags over his shoulder. The guard pulls him aside for questioning.

"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.

"Just sand." the guy replies.

The guard opens up the bags and sees that is seems to be just sand so he lets him go.

The next day the guy comes back on his bike and again he has two big bags over his shoulder. Again the guard pulls him aside.

"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.

"Sand"

The guard opens the bag and finds nothing but sand. He looks a little harder bus still can't find anything wrong.

Over the next decade the scenario repeats over and over. The border guard knows something is up and tries more sophisticated methods to try and figure it out. Dogs, chemical testing, magnets, everything. He never finds anything illegal though.

Finally, the border guard retires. All his friends and co-workers throw him a big party at a restaurant across the border. While at the party, the guard sees the guy. He decides to go and talk to him.

"Hey, it's interesting seeing you here. I'm having my retirement party right now." the guard say to him.

"Congratulations, I just retired this week myself." the guy says.

"Oh really, what job did you have?"

"I was a smuggler."

"I knew it! Well, you got away with it. So please tell me. What was it that you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles"

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Some Mexican jokes from a Mexican

So, it's okay for you to laugh...

Q: What's a Mexican's favorite bookstore?

A: Borders

Q: What's a Mexican's favorite sport?

A: Cross Country

Q: Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

A: Because it says no tres passing.

Q: What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

A: Cuatro cinco

Q: Why do Mexicans have tamales for Christmas?

A: So they'll have something to unwrap.

Q: How do you keep a Mexican from stealing?

A: Put everything on the top shelf.

And lastly,

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

A: Juan on Juan


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What borders stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

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A large group of Russian soldiers...

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."

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"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one.

A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving.
"You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating."
This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border into Colorado, a cop flashed his lights and the man pulled over. The cop walks up to the driver's side and the man rolls down his window.
"Hey, Buddy, didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car about a quarter-mile back?"
The man said to the cop: "Thank God, I thought I went deaf."

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Call me a racist if you want, but the other side of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a twenty-foot pole.

I'm so fucking glad I live in Canada.

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What flavor gum does the President prefer?

Governmint

Ill walk myself to the nearest border

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You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans

That's crossing the border.

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A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

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People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

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Why do Mexicans always cross the border in pairs?

The sign says no tres-passing

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Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?

Because the sign says "No Trespassing"

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When talking about opinions on border control, Remember:

Lefty loosey
Righty tighty

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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in 3's?

No tres passing

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A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

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They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

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a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )

A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approached the border, and saw an Indian tank. I put my white flag up, the Indian tank put his white flag up. I said to the Indian soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

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Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border at once?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

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A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

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Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

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A German man was crossing the border into France...

The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.

"Name?"

The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"

"Age?"

The German replied, "37"

"Occupation?"

The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."

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A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.

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Five guys in an Audi Quattro...

...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,

"It'sa illegal to puta five people in a Quattro."

"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.

"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."

"Quattro is just the name of the car."

"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."

"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"

"He can'ta come."

"Why not?"

"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."

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3 jews are trying to escape Germany [OC I hope]

3 jews are trying to escape Germany during ww2, but they get lost and are unable to find the border.

While walking they see a gestapo officer.

"I'm going to ask him where the border is" says the first of the jews. The other 2 try to stop him but he won't listen and runs off to ask the officer.

The officer ends up stopping all 3 jews and interrogates them.

"Are all of you Jewish?" he asks

After some arguing they all say yes.

"Ashkenazi I assume?" he proceeds to say

"no sir" says the third jew, "only one of us is stupid enough to Ashkenazi anything."

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A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

So he asked his border collie to count them from him.

The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.

"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.

"40" said the border collie.

"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."

The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

β€”Henny Youngman

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What is the area at the Danish/German border called?

The DaneGer zone!

I'll show myself out.

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A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

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Where does a race on the Swedish border end at?

The Finnish line.

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The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

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A Polish guy finds a lamp buried in the sand

As per usual, a genie comes out and offers him three wishes.

The Polish guy things for a moment and says, "I wish for all of Ghengis Khan's armies to go rampaging across the steppes to the border of Poland, then turn around and go home."

"All right," the genie says, "Done. What's your second wish?"

"I wish for all the Mongol hordes of Asia to go rampaging across the steppes to the border of Poland, then turn around and go home."

"Are you sure?" asks the genie. "It's the same as the first one." The Polish guy confirms that yes, this is his wish. "All right, and your third wish is...?"

Sure enough, the Polish guy wishes for all the legions of Mongolia to go rampaging across the steppes to the borders of Poland then turn around and return east.

"Fine," the Genie says, "Done. But come on, what the hell?"

The Polish guy smiles. "Russia has just been sacked and burned SIX TIMES!"

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Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

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Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border once at a time?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

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2 Mexican brothers crossed the border and need money

(Slightly Racist - You have been warned)

Jose and Juan, 2 brothers, crossed the border to USA and had no cash. Their plan was to beg on the streets for some money. So the two brothers both got cardboard and made their own signs. Juan says "Lets split up, you go up the street, I do down, we meet here at night."

Jose agrees to the plan and heads up the street with his sign begging for money at a busy intersection. Juan feeling good about his plan goes down the street at another intersection and begs also.

By the end of the day, the 2 brothers meet where they started with all their money. Juan, still feeling good about his plan, shows his younger brother he made $40! While Juan is laughing, his younger brother pulls out $200 from his pockets.

Juan shocked ask his brother, "How did you make so much money?" His brother responded, "Read my sign." Jose's sign reads "Need $20 to go back to Mexico"

(My dad told me this joke when I was 10, I live in LA area)

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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Wrapped in a burlap sack and hauled across the border on a donkey by Juan Valdez.

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Two border guards

Two border guards are doing their final patrol of the night along the US-Canadian border. Half an hour before their shift is up, they hear some rustling along the path. They rush forward to check it out only to find a man who has committed suicide by hanging himself.


"Crap, the paperwork on this will take hours, my wife will be furious!"


"I know Jack. Say ... I have an idea ..."


And so, the border guards take the man down, carry him a hundred yards and leave him hanging, just across the Canadian border. As their shift is up, they go home. Shortly thereafter, two Canadian border guards, also on their last patrol come across the body, one turns to the other and sais:


"Merde Guy, the Americans brought him back!"

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A German is at the border to go to Poland.

The officer asks him:

Name?

Hans Gruber.

Address?

123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin

Occupation?

Nein, just visiting.

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Greek/German joke I heard recently

So Angela Merkel decides to try to shore up some Euro solidarity by taking a vacation in Greece. When she gets to the border crossing, the guard looks over her papers and asks her "occupation?" "No," she replies, "just a vacation this time."

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What borders on silly?

MΓ©xico & Canada

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Why can only 2 Mexicans pass the border at once?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

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Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your panties, she said what about the smell?

I said, well if it dies it dies...

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A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant...

...on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay"
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"

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A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!ο»Ώ

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An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.

"What do you have in this sack?"

"Sand."

"Well let me check."

The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.

The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.

"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"

And the man replied.

"Bicycles."

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A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.

The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"

The Russian answers, "Boris."

The border guard asks, "Occupation?"

The Russian says, "No, just visiting."

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A joke I heard some time ago

A texan man is driving over the Mexican border with his family. The border guard looks out his booth and notices the jam-packed pickup truck with trailer.
Raising an eyebrow he asks the man: "Planning a longer stay, sir?"
"We're emigrating." the man replies.
Visibly surprised the guard asks: "Why's that?"
The man responds: "Thirty years ago homosexuality was despised. Twenty years ago it became tolerated. Ten ago it was widely accepted. This year it became equal. We're leaving before it becomes mandatory."

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In honor of Cinco De Mayo - Why do Mexicans cross the border two at a time?

Because the signs say "No Trespassing".

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Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

Because it's says "No *Tres*passing.

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I'll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous...

Canada.

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A geman goes to the french border

A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Not today"

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Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.

Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.

Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.

"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.

"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."

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What is the sign for a U-turn in Finland?

"You are approaching the Russian border."

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Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...

And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some illegal item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.

He had been smuggling bicycles.

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You can makes jokes about anything, just not illegals.

That's crossing the border.

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A German is visiting France.

The border patrol officer asks, "name?"

Hans Mueller.

"Occupation?"

No, just visiting this time.

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It's a shame the immigrants and their kids at the U.S. border aren't named Church and State

then the GOP would never separate them.

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Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

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Two Mexican men have just crossed the border into the U.S.

They are now wandering through the Arizona desert. In short time, they become lost amongst the sand, praying for any sign of civilization. They spend days out there, and are on the verge of death from heat and starvation.

When suddenly, a shining oasis appears before them. The water is crystal clear and it is surrounded with lush foliage. And in the center is one specific tree. It is a majestic plant and from it's branches hang the most unexpected of things.

Bacon. Delicious, crispy bacon. Enough to feed a man for days. Without even thinking, one of the men bolts for the oasis, desperate for food and water. As he reaches the half way point, from behind the tree springs forth a man wielding a machine gun. The poor immigrant is gunned down and lays in the sand, dieing. His friend runs to him and says

> Miguel, are you alright? What happened to you?

To which the man responds, looking up at his friend with his dieing breath

> Pedro, it is not a bacon tree...it is a hambush.

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What borders on stupidity?

Mexico and Canada

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Why did only 2 Mexicans cross the border?

The sign said "No Trespassing"







(TRES-Passing)

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A cop pulls an illegal immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?"

The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away

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U.S Border Patrol

Putting the panic in Hispanic

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China has a border wall

And they have no Mexicans

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Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

The sign says "No Trespassing".

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Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because everyone who could jump, run, and swim have already crossed the border.

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A Canadian woman living near the border

A Canadian woman lives with her family in a forest near the border with the US. One autumn morning, her son comes home from town holding a letter. He approaches the woman and says:

"According to this letter, the United States wants to consider this area as part of Montana. The Canadian government agrees, but says that since we're the only family living here, they want our permission to sign this land over to the US."

The woman jumps out of her chair and exclaims, "Where do I sign? I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

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So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...

A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'

I'll see myself out

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You can make jokes about anything; just not Mexicans.

That's crossing the border.

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Why don't Mexican's cross the border in three's?

Because it says no *tres*passing

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Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.

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My uncle in Mexico is pretty upset about Trump's border wall...

But he'll get over it.

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How do you get a Mexican across the border using only math?

Carry the Juan

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Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of 3?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

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A Mexican gets caught by a border patrol agent..

The border patrol agent says to the Mexican,
"If you can put these 3 words in a sentence I will let you go. The words are green, pink and yellow."

The Mexican thinks for a second,
"The phone goes green green green, I pink it up and I say yellow."

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How will a border wall keep us safe...

If it keeps Americans IN?

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You can joke about anything you want, just not Mexicans

That's crossing the border

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I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

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Mexicans jump the border alone or in pairs...

Because there's no trespassing allowed.

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Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?

Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.

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Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is already over the border!

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I was going to make a illegal immigrant joke

But I wouldn't want to cross that border

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Who will be in charge of Trump's border wall?

The Secretary of Da' Fence!

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In the Old West

In the Old West, a man robbed a bank in El Paso and rode south. The sheriff quickly formed a posse and they captured him in a small cantina near the Mexican border, but he didn't have the money. The sheriff decided to interrogate him, but the robber only spoke Spanish, so they got the bartender to translate.

Sheriff, through translator: "Where's the money?"

Bank robber, through translator: I'll never tell you."

The sheriff puts his revolver to the bank robber's head. Now, tell me where the money is!

Bank robber (in Spanish): I hid it under the bridge south of town!

Translator: He says he's not afraid to die."

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Trump doesn't need to build the wall

Just move Congress to the border, they'll never let anything through.

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You know, I really hate Mexican jokes that rely on sterotypes

They just cross the border.

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An elderly man is out playing golf with a friend...

An elderly man is out playing golf with a friend.

During his turn, right before his swing, a funeral procession drives by along the border fence.

The elderly man pauses, takes off his hat, and places it on his chest.

As the procession drives along, the elderly mans friend stands just flabbergasted.

Once the procession passes, the elderly man resumes setting up his swing.

"Now hold on a second!" The elderly mans friend shouts, "That was quite a show of respect! I have never seen anything like it!"

"Well, I had to do something."

"Why's that?" Replied the elderly mans friend.

"I was married to her for 40 years!"

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What do you get when you cross a border collie with a pit bull?

A dog that is smart enough to bury the bodies.

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I could tell you a Mexican joke

but it would cross the border.

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Why did the spy cross the border?

Because he never really was on your side.

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You can make jokes about anything, except Mexicans

That's crossing the border.

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I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border.

She said that since early this morning, the snow has been coming down, and it is nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She said that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

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The smart smuggler

A shrewd businessman was crossing a border with two donkeys and some luggage. The border guard stops him and checks the packs, but finds nothing in them. He lets him pass.

This cycle repeats itself, with the businessman crossing the border back and forth, and the border guard never finding anything. Many years later, both the businessman and guard are retired and by chance meet up at a coffee house.

The guard sees that the businessman is very rich, so he asks him "Please answer honestly. I know you were smuggling something, but I can't for the life of me figure out what. What was it?"

The businessman replies: "Donkeys!"

This is a story from one of the adventures of a Persian sage called Mulla Nasrudin. Nasrudin's stories are both wise and funny. If you enjoy this one, I can post more. I had a book about these stories and remember quite a few.

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What do you call an unsuccessful migrant trying to illegally cross the U.S. southern border?

A Mexi*cant*

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Why did the US citizen cross the road?

To cross the border into Canada.

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Once an American asked a Mexican..

"What separates dogs and Mexicans?"

The Mexican said, "A border".

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A farmer wants to know...

A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer. The farmer says, "How many?" The dog says, "40." The farmer is surprised and says, "How can there be 40 - I only bought 38!" The dog says, "I rounded them up."

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Border collies are not very inbred...

You know what dogs *are* inbred?

Hotdogs.

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We are really concerned with what's going on South of the Border with all the drugs gun violence and now this new Dictatorship

I am Canadian

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Chris Christie finally got a job in Trump's administration.

He's going to be the border wall.

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Soup for the Mind in riddle form

1. a rooster lays an egg at the very top of a pointed roof. which way does the egg roll??

2. A plane crashes directly in the middle of the border between Canada and U.S.A. where where the survivors buried?

3. Two babys were born from the same mother, on the same day, of the same year, on the same minute, yet were not twins... how is this possible??



Answeres

1. roosters dont lay eggs, hens do
2. the survivors wouldnt need to be buried, the dead would
3. they were part of a triplet,not twins




i know they are old and easy, but better ones WILL come.

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What's the difference between the Canadian-American border and a performance enhancing drug?

Niagara Falls, Viagra rises.

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why aren't there Olympics in Mexico?

Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the border

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Vacations

Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.


"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"


"Ivan Ivanovich."


"Occupation?"


"No, just a vacation."

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What do you call a cauliflower growing at the edge of a garden?

a border cauli!

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A British tourist goes to Australia..

Border agent: do you have any criminal convictions?

Tourist: I didn't know they were still a requirement.

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An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.

The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American redneck trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"

The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is marijuana a vegetable?'"

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I want to make a joke about Mexicans...

... but I don't want to cross the border.

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Mexicans WILL build the wall...

Upon contract of Canadian goverment for their owm southern border!

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Why do Central Americans hop the U.S. Border in groups of 4 or more?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

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What is Donald Trump's favorite breed of dog?

The Mexican Border Collie

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If it's yellow, let it mellow

If it's brown, stop it at the border and submit it to extreme vetting.

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Why do mexicans only cross the border in pairs?

Because the sign reads no "tres"passing.

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Mexican jokes aren't funny

There's a border between humor and racism.

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Why can't mexicans pass the border in groups of three?

Because there's a sign that says No Tres-passing

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Why do people cheer when they reach the Finland border?

It's the Finnish line.

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What borders obesity?

Mexico and Canada

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I see a border patrol car drive by...

So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says "no no I only have debit card" (true story)

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You can make jokes about anything just not illegals.

That's crossing the border

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Turkey shot down Syrian helicopter at the border.

How did they train it to do that?

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I wanted to smoke a joint at the Mexican border...

I wonder why everyone ran away when I asked for papers

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What's the first place Dora explored?

The mexican border.

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Don't make jokes about Mexicans.

Thats crossing the border.

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I had to make a difficult decision when arrested at the border on the way to Mecca...

I was caught between Iraq and a Hajj place.

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A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.

"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.

The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"

"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

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Borders in the Middle-East don't matter so much...

You're just drawing lines in the sand.

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What breed will Donald Trumps dog be if he wins the election?

A Border Collie

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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three?

They saw a sign at the border that said No Trespassing.

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TIL about Mexican drug birds.

During the early 60s drug cartels would use South-American mallard flocks to smuggle drugs over the border.

The birds' predictable migration patterns and considerable size made them perfect for the job, until a few years later.

That's when the ducks got wise and just started smoking all the quack.

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No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border

of Canada.

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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of threes?

Because the sign says no tres-passing

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I just bought a border collie

The one I already had wasn't bored enough.

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Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three?

Because the sign says no trespassing!

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Some jokes on Mexicans can be funny,

but a lot of the times they cross the border.

^^^^^OC ^^^^^but ^^^^^rephrased

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What are the best Border puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Border? Well, here are the best jokes about Border to have fun with.

Joko Jokes