Booze Jokes

84 booze jokes and hilarious booze puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about booze that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

If you like jokes about booze, then this is the article for you. From halloween booze and booze cruises to tabs and smoke, we cover them all. Learn the funniest jokes about your favorite drinks and have a good time laughing at the same time! Let us have a drink and find out the funniest jokes!

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Funniest Booze Short Jokes

Short booze jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The booze humour may include short liquor jokes also.

  1. Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.
    PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment
  2. I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes. God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
  3. I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me... I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
  4. What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk? Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing
  5. I had a buddy in college who always gave us suggestions as to what booze or drugs to try. He was the original trip advisor.
  6. A Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Russian are seeing who can drink the most booze. It's been two weeks and they're still going.
  7. Carrots may be good.... Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
  8. Why did the ghost walk into the bar? For the BOOze!!!
    (This is my 5-year-olds favorite joke)
  9. I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.
  10. My doctor told me I need to drink less booze.... I have looked everywhere and can't find that brand

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Booze One Liners

Which booze one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with booze? I can suggest the ones about whiskey and vodka.

  1. What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze
  2. There are 70 ways to make a man happy... One is booze and the other is 69.
  3. How does a booze thief make you feel better? He lifts your spirits.
  4. How do Ghosts get Drunk? Booze.
  5. Why are ghosts popular at parties? Because they always bring the booze.
  6. What does an abusive father and a ghost have in common? Booze
  7. Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store? Because you always only get booze
  8. Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store? Because they kept stealing all the booze.
  9. Why do bars tend to be the most haunted business? because they're full of booze!
  10. I never give money to homeless people ...because I know i'm going to buy booze with it.
  11. What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend? Booze
    (Kill me now)
  12. Why did the ghost have to join AA? He had a problem with BOOze
  13. My uncle keeps getting in trouble for kiestering booze into jail It's a real condomrum
  14. What do you call a Children's show with some Alcohol added in? Booze Clues.
  15. Why do ghosts like going out? So they can drink boo-ze and get sheet-faced.

Booze Cruise Jokes

Here is a list of funny booze cruise jokes and even better booze cruise puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Booze Cruise I'm not afraid to die, I'm just afraid of how I'm going to die.
    I wanna go like my grandpa, In his sleep, not like his other 4 screaming passengers.
Booze joke, Booze Cruise

Booze joke, Booze Cruise

Uplifting Booze Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about booze you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alcoholic beverages jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make booze pranks.

I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

A very life-battered looking hobo asks for some change from a guy coming from a bar

The guy asks "Are you going to use it for booze then?"
"No I will not, sir" says the hobo.
"Well will you gamble it then?" Asks the man.
"No I will not, sir"
"Well then you must come and show my wife what it does to a man if he doesn't drink or gamble!"

A web developer walks into a bar,

tavern, pub, saloon, lounge, booze, alcohol, drinking

What's a ghost's favorite beverage?


A cave man walks into a bar...

"Hey, Joe, has any one invented booze yet?"

I've spent most of my money on booze and women...

...the rest I just wasted.
*credit to George Best*

What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian?

If you're good you get laughs, and if you're bad you get booze.

Do you know why I hate drinking with blind people?

They can't handle their booze and always black-out.

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

When I was in college, I went to a party at the math fraternity house.

I left when I found out they didn't have any booze; they didn't want people to drink and derive.

I'm a senior in college with 2 semesters left, and I'm considering picking up a minor

Do I lie about my age, or do I just offer to buy her cigarettes and booze?

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.
"What the h**...'s going on, Steve?" asks the woman.
"What do you think of the pig?"
"That's not a pig, it's a duck."
"I wasn't talking to you."

I have a drinking problem..

I need more booze

A drunk's prayer...

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.
What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.

What do you do when a girl spills booze on herself...

You Liquor

What do ghosts drink when they're sad?


What do you get when you take booze and l**... at the same time?

An ester.

The Ant, and Spider,were hanging at the millipede's house...

They ran out of Booze. So being a good host, the Millipede volunteered to get more at the store.
Waited for 2 hours and the millipede was nowhere to be found.
They opened the front door and saw the Millipede was still putting on his shoes ..

Why do some people drink for health?

They think it will booze their immune system.

What is a ghosts favorite drink?


A man orders a drink..

**(Not sure if this has been posted here before. Had read it long before as a kid.)**
A man orders a drink but has to use the loo. To ensure nobody drinks his booze he places a note underneath the glass which reads "I spat in the drink".. He returns from the loo finding an another note for him.. "Me too!"

A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.
Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They voted on pizza.

Then I took all their pocket money, spent it all on booze and blamed my ex-wife for their predicament.

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn't get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

Bargain Booze is shutting down...

You could say it's gone into liquidation.

So I've seen a lot of booze ads lately

And they all say please drink Responsibly or enjoy Responsibly or something like that, and I'm just confused.
What kind of drink does Responsibly make that even other brands endorse it in their own ads?

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
Wow I've never seen a weasel in my bar before! exclaims the bartender. What kind of alcohol would you like?
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It's on the house!
Pop. goes the weasel.

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy w**... from Yakobo"
Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"
Shaun says "I buy c**... from Yakobo"
The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.
"I complete my homework" he says.
Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"
"I'm Yakobo"

A spooky dead guy's favorite alcohol?


What booze does Thor drink?

4Loki 😏

FYI: They sell booze on the Ferry Ride back from Alcatraz

So come take part in Alchietraz

For Christmas, I am thinking of giving you a hundred dollars,

But I bought booze instead. Anyway, remember it is the thought that counts.

What's the difference between booze and w**...?

5 drunk guys will start a fight. 5 s**... guys will start a band

Marital Misunderstanding

It's 4.00am. A man comes stumbling home and bursts drunk into his bedroom. He's totally dishevelled, stinks of booze and has a goat tucked under his arm. His wife sits up with a shriek and shouts:
"How dare you come home in that condition! And what's that thing under your arm?"
Her husband looks at her and says:
"This is the pig I sleep with when you're having one of your headaches."
"You idiot. That's not a pig it's a goat!"
"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to my goat."

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man driving just steps on the breaks and pulls a shotgun and screams " now you drink or I blow your head of" the guy does what he's told and takes a sterdy sip. After the old man goes: "Good, now you aim at me so I can have drink too"

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

Ivan and Piotr are drinking in a shack out in the woods...

They've been drinking for three days straight and have finally run completely out of booze.
Piotr turns to Ivan and says, "Vanya, go look in the shed out back, see if there's anything to drink there."
Ivan stumbles back with a bottle of methanol in his hand. "Well, we could drink this, but we'd go blind."
Piotr looks around the shack, stares out the window a moment, and says, "I think I've seen enough."

Homeless guy asked if I could spare a dollar.

I looked in my wallet and there was only a $20, so I asked myself "Do I really want this money going to drugs, booze, and the decline of society?"
I decided I didn't so I gave it to him.

What do ghosts drink on St. p**...'s Day?

BOO-ze of course.

House remodel

My wife and I recently completed a remodel of our kitchen. The other night we decided to move all the dishes and into the new cabinets. The last thing we moved was all our booze. I picked up two bottles and turned around. My wife had FIVE bottles at once!
My wife really can hold her liquor…

Booze joke, House remodel

jokes about booze