The Best 47 Booze Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Booze jokes. There are some booze alcoholic jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these booze liquor puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Booze Jokes and Puns

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

How do Ghosts get Drunk?

Booze.

I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

Booze joke, I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

A very life-battered looking hobo asks for some change from a guy coming from a bar

The guy asks "Are you going to use it for booze then?"

"No I will not, sir" says the hobo.

"Well will you gamble it then?" Asks the man.

"No I will not, sir"

"Well then you must come and show my wife what it does to a man if he doesn't drink or gamble!"

How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.


Why do ghosts like going out?

So they can drink boo-ze and get sheet-faced.

What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian?

If you're good you get laughs, and if you're bad you get booze.

Booze joke, What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian?

Do you know why I hate drinking with blind people?

They can't handle their booze and always black-out.

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

When I was in college, I went to a party at the math fraternity house.

I left when I found out they didn't have any booze; they didn't want people to drink and derive.

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

You can explore booze drink reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean booze cigarettes dad jokes. There are also booze puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

What do you call a Children's show with some Alcohol added in?

Booze Clues.

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

A drunk's prayer...

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.

Extra:

What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.

Booze joke, What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend?

Booze

(Kill me now)

I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism

I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.

There are 70 ways to make a man happy...

One is booze and the other is 69.


The Ant, and Spider,were hanging at the millipede's house...

They ran out of Booze. So being a good host, the Millipede volunteered to get more at the store.

Waited for 2 hours and the millipede was nowhere to be found.

They opened the front door and saw the Millipede was still putting on his shoes ..

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Because they kept stealing all the booze.

A man orders a drink..

**(Not sure if this has been posted here before. Had read it long before as a kid.)**

A man orders a drink but has to use the loo. To ensure nobody drinks his booze he places a note underneath the glass which reads "I spat in the drink".. He returns from the loo finding an another note for him.. "Me too!"

Why are ghosts popular at parties?

Because they always bring the booze.

A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.

Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk?

Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They voted on pizza.

Then I took all their pocket money, spent it all on booze and blamed my ex-wife for their predicament.

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn't get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

I never give money to homeless people

...because I know i'm going to buy booze with it.

Why did the ghost have to join AA?

He had a problem with BOOze

So I've seen a lot of booze ads lately

And they all say please drink Responsibly or enjoy Responsibly or something like that, and I'm just confused.

What kind of drink does Responsibly make that even other brands endorse it in their own ads?

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
Wow I've never seen a weasel in my bar before! exclaims the bartender. What kind of alcohol would you like?
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It's on the house!
Pop. goes the weasel.

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he says.

Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"

"I'm Yakobo"

Why did the ghost walk into the bar?

For the BOOze!!!

(This is my 5-year-olds favorite joke)

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

What does an abusive father and a ghost have in common?

Booze

My doctor told me I need to drink less booze....

I have looked everywhere and can't find that brand

What's the difference between booze and weed?

5 drunk guys will start a fight. 5 stoned guys will start a band

I had a buddy in college who always gave us suggestions as to what booze or drugs to try.

He was the original trip advisor.

Why do bars tend to be the most haunted business?

because they're full of booze!

Marital Misunderstanding

It's 4.00am. A man comes stumbling home and bursts drunk into his bedroom. He's totally dishevelled, stinks of booze and has a goat tucked under his arm. His wife sits up with a shriek and shouts:

"How dare you come home in that condition! And what's that thing under your arm?"

Her husband looks at her and says:

"This is the pig I sleep with when you're having one of your headaches."

"You idiot. That's not a pig it's a goat!"

"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to my goat."

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man driving just steps on the breaks and pulls a shotgun and screams " now you drink or I blow your head of" the guy does what he's told and takes a sterdy sip. After the old man goes: "Good, now you aim at me so I can have drink too"

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.

The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.

The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.

The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.

They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

Ivan and Piotr are drinking in a shack out in the woods...

They've been drinking for three days straight and have finally run completely out of booze.

Piotr turns to Ivan and says, "Vanya, go look in the shed out back, see if there's anything to drink there."

Ivan stumbles back with a bottle of methanol in his hand. "Well, we could drink this, but we'd go blind."

Piotr looks around the shack, stares out the window a moment, and says, "I think I've seen enough."

Homeless guy asked if I could spare a dollar.

I looked in my wallet and there was only a $20, so I asked myself "Do I really want this money going to drugs, booze, and the decline of society?"

I decided I didn't so I gave it to him.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the booze drinker jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working booze sips piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes