Booze Jokes

What are some Booze jokes?

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
Wow I've never seen a weasel in my bar before! exclaims the bartender. What kind of alcohol would you like?
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It's on the house!
Pop. goes the weasel.

There are 70 ways to make a man happy...

One is booze and the other is 69.

What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk?

Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

How do Ghosts get Drunk?

Booze.

A very life-battered looking hobo asks for some change from a guy coming from a bar

The guy asks "Are you going to use it for booze then?"

"No I will not, sir" says the hobo.

"Well will you gamble it then?" Asks the man.

"No I will not, sir"

"Well then you must come and show my wife what it does to a man if he doesn't drink or gamble!"

So god asked 3 guys...

Three men die and end up meeting god.

God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.

"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."

God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the third man..."I want all the weed in the world!" His wish is granted.

1000 years go by.

The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.

The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.

The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.

"Can I have a light."

So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil.

The devil appeared to the man one day and said "If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"
The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, the man had lived a life of wealth, women and booze.
He was out walking home from a bar when the devil reappeared in front of him.
"Time's up, your soul, now, as per our deal"
The man looked at him blankly and said "alright"
He pulls out a sharp blade, bends over and reaches toward his shoes.

A man goes into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The barman gives him a beer and tells him that it is on the house.

When the man orders a second beer, he tries to pay but the barman refuses to take his money.

This continues for well over an hour, and the man realizes that the barman isn`t charging anyone for the drinks.

Finally he asks the barman why he is giving all the booze away for free. The barman answers, "I just found out that the owner is having an affair with my wife. So I am doing to his business what he`s doing to her."

Why are ghosts popular at parties?

Because they always bring the booze.

The Golden Toilet

A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than his share, of course. Towards the end of the night, said guy, needed to use the bathroom, and asked the butler where it was. "Down the hall, 32 doors and to the left."...so, down the hall he goes counts the doors and goes RIGHT. Walks in and all he could say was "WOW, this guy is really really rich, he even has a GOLDEN toilet." He does his business and goes home.

He wakes up the next day and realizes he lost his wallet, only thing he can think of is it must have fell out when he was on the toilet. So, he hops in his car and drives on over to his boss's house. The butler answers the door and he says "hey, I think I dropped my wallet next to your golden toilet". The butler turns his head and yells "HEY CHARLIE, HERE'S THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!!!"

Birthday present

An alcoholic looked at his calendar and noticed it was almost his sons 18th birthday. Being a drunk, he did not see his son very often, but felt he had to give something to his son for this momentous occasion. Having blown all his money on booze, he had an idea...

Two days later his son got an envelope with a birthday card:

"Dear son,

Congratulations on your 18th birthday. I am so proud of you and all you accomplished. I heard you even got into a good college! Because I didn't really know what to get you, I've included a deposit for your college fund. Have a good birthday.

Love,
Dad

P.s. I would have included 200 dollar, but I accidentally sealed the envelope beforehand."

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn't get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

A drunk's prayer...

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

Why did the ghost walk into the bar?

For the BOOze!!!

(This is my 5-year-olds favorite joke)

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he says.

Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"

"I'm Yakobo"

I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism

I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.

I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Because they kept stealing all the booze.

I never give money to homeless people

...because I know i'm going to buy booze with it.

What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend?

Booze











(Kill me now)

Do you know why I hate drinking with blind people?

They can't handle their booze and always black-out.

When I was in college, I went to a party at the math fraternity house.

I left when I found out they didn't have any booze; they didn't want people to drink and derive.

A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.

Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?

The Ant, and Spider,were hanging at the millipede's house...

They ran out of Booze. So being a good host, the Millipede volunteered to get more at the store.

Waited for 2 hours and the millipede was nowhere to be found.

They opened the front door and saw the Millipede was still putting on his shoes ..

A man orders a drink..

**(Not sure if this has been posted here before. Had read it long before as a kid.)**

A man orders a drink but has to use the loo. To ensure nobody drinks his booze he places a note underneath the glass which reads "I spat in the drink".. He returns from the loo finding an another note for him.. "Me too!"

What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian?

If you're good you get laughs, and if you're bad you get booze.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They voted on pizza.

Then I took all their pocket money, spent it all on booze and blamed my ex-wife for their predicament.

So an old buddy of mine went to prison...

He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.

When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.

He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"

Why did the ghost have to join AA?

He had a problem with BOOze

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.

Extra:

What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.

So I've seen a lot of booze ads lately

And they all say please drink Responsibly or enjoy Responsibly or something like that, and I'm just confused.

What kind of drink does Responsibly make that even other brands endorse it in their own ads?

What do you call a Children's show with some Alcohol added in?

Booze Clues.

Why do ghosts like going out?

So they can drink boo-ze and get sheet-faced.

My uncle keeps getting in trouble for kiestering booze into jail

It's a real condomrum

What do ghosts drink when they're sad?

Booze.

Bargain Booze is shutting down...

You could say it's gone into liquidation.

I'm a senior in college with 2 semesters left, and I'm considering picking up a minor

Do I lie about my age, or do I just offer to buy her cigarettes and booze?

I've spent most of my money on booze and women...

...the rest I just wasted.

*credit to George Best*

How to make Booze jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Booze to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Booze? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Booze pick up lines to share with friends.

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