booze Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious booze puns

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

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What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

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I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

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I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

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A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
Wow I've never seen a weasel in my bar before! exclaims the bartender. What kind of alcohol would you like?
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It's on the house!
Pop. goes the weasel.

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There are 70 ways to make a man happy...

One is booze and the other is 69.

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How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

Invite two of them!!

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What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk?

Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing

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Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

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How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.

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A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

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How do Ghosts get Drunk?

Booze.

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A very life-battered looking hobo asks for some change from a guy coming from a bar

The guy asks "Are you going to use it for booze then?"

"No I will not, sir" says the hobo.

"Well will you gamble it then?" Asks the man.

"No I will not, sir"

"Well then you must come and show my wife what it does to a man if he doesn't drink or gamble!"

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So god asked 3 guys...

Three men die and end up meeting god.

God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.

"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."

God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the third man..."I want all the weed in the world!" His wish is granted.

1000 years go by.

The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.

The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.

The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.

"Can I have a light."

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So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil.

The devil appeared to the man one day and said "If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"
The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, the man had lived a life of wealth, women and booze.
He was out walking home from a bar when the devil reappeared in front of him.
"Time's up, your soul, now, as per our deal"
The man looked at him blankly and said "alright"
He pulls out a sharp blade, bends over and reaches toward his shoes.

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Paddy and Danny got in the car

for the journey home and said their goodbyes to their friend Mick.
"Thanks for putting us up for the weekend," said Paddy. "The food was great, the booze was great, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife!"
On the way home, Danny turned to Paddy and said: "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying screwing his wife?"
"No," said Paddy, "I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to hurt Mick's feelings."

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A man goes into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The barman gives him a beer and tells him that it is on the house.

When the man orders a second beer, he tries to pay but the barman refuses to take his money.

This continues for well over an hour, and the man realizes that the barman isn`t charging anyone for the drinks.

Finally he asks the barman why he is giving all the booze away for free. The barman answers, "I just found out that the owner is having an affair with my wife. So I am doing to his business what he`s doing to her."

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Bum asks a man for $2.00


The man asked, Will you buy booze?

The bum said No.

The man asked, Will you gamble it away?

The bum said, No.

Then the man asked, Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

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Why are ghosts popular at parties?

Because they always bring the booze.

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The Golden Toilet

A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than his share, of course. Towards the end of the night, said guy, needed to use the bathroom, and asked the butler where it was. "Down the hall, 32 doors and to the left."...so, down the hall he goes counts the doors and goes RIGHT. Walks in and all he could say was "WOW, this guy is really really rich, he even has a GOLDEN toilet." He does his business and goes home.

He wakes up the next day and realizes he lost his wallet, only thing he can think of is it must have fell out when he was on the toilet. So, he hops in his car and drives on over to his boss's house. The butler answers the door and he says "hey, I think I dropped my wallet next to your golden toilet". The butler turns his head and yells "HEY CHARLIE, HERE'S THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!!!"

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Birthday present

An alcoholic looked at his calendar and noticed it was almost his sons 18th birthday. Being a drunk, he did not see his son very often, but felt he had to give something to his son for this momentous occasion. Having blown all his money on booze, he had an idea...

Two days later his son got an envelope with a birthday card:

"Dear son,

Congratulations on your 18th birthday. I am so proud of you and all you accomplished. I heard you even got into a good college! Because I didn't really know what to get you, I've included a deposit for your college fund. Have a good birthday.

Love,
Dad

P.s. I would have included 200 dollar, but I accidentally sealed the envelope beforehand."

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I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn't get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

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Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

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Why did the ghost walk into the bar?

For the BOOze!!!

(This is my 5-year-olds favorite joke)

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A drunk's prayer...

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

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I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism

I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.

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A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he says.

Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"

"I'm Yakobo"

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I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

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Irish Wedding

A wild, Irish wedding reception is brought to a premature end when Paddy grabs the microphone and announces, "The party is over. We have run out of booze, there is no food left, and somebody has fucked the bride."


As everyone is heading towards the doors discussing what had happened, another announcement is made, "It is okay, folks, you can come back. We have found another case of Guinness, Maureen is making some sandwiches, and the guy who fucked the bride has apologized."

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Two illegitimate children walk into a bar. They both order the same drink...

One of them, however, uses a large, off white syringe to inject the booze into his rectum. The result?

The alabaster ass blaster baster bastard got plastered faster.

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Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Because they kept stealing all the booze.

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A politican dies

But just as in life so in death, and the divine powers don't really know where to put the guy, is he a good guy or bad guy?
So St. Pete and Lucifer decide to show the deceased what they can offer him in the afterlife.

First it is downstairs, the gates of Hell open, and there's booze, naked chicks, in short sex, drugs 'n rock & roll, all over the place and everyone is happy having a super time.

"Impressive, is it like this all the time?" asks the Politican

"All the time" Promises Lucifer

"Ok, let's see what Pete has to offer"

The elevator goes upstairs, and St. Peter opens the pearly gates, and gives him the tour, people are being handed out wings, haloo and a harp at the gates and continue flying up in the skies playing the most wonderful music, but beside that, there's not much happening.

"Hmm this all seems nice and such, but I think it would become kinda boring in the long run, so I'll take my chances with the party downstairs."

And down the elevator goes again, the gates of Hell open again, but this time people are standing on their heads in knee deep shit, while their feet get grilled by small dæmons. People get get put through all kinds of torment without the suffering ending, and there are screams of pain and misery all over the place.

Slightly shocked the politican asks Lucifer

"what happend to the party and all that nice life?"

"Oh that was just my sales pitch to get elected"

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Two buddies are drinking at a bar..

.. having a good time. The older man mentions that he needs some relationship advice, that he has a big-time crush but isn't sure if they reciprocate.

The younger guy encourages him, saying he just needs to communicate it or maybe booze dat ass up and see where things go.

The older guy continues "We spend time together, the signals seem to be there but just can't seem to get to that next level. Just wondering if I need to be more... forceful."

"Oh yeah! I know what you mean. Sometimes, that's the only way! Carpe Diem motha fucka!"

"Ah" the older man says "That is helpful advice."

The men continue to drink until the younger is sloppy drunk and needs help getting up and all the way home. The man helps him up to his room, helps him get into bed and turns out the light. The young guy, barely able to get out words, thanks the old man and asks "So how bout that chick of yours? You gonna go do whatcha gotta do to bang her now?"

The man stares. "Who said anything about a chick?"

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I never give money to homeless people

...because I know i'm going to buy booze with it.

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Do you know why I hate drinking with blind people?

They can't handle their booze and always black-out.

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What are the most funny Booze jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Booze? Well, here are the best Booze dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Booze pick up lines to share with friends.

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