Booze Jokes
84 booze jokes and hilarious booze puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about booze that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you like jokes about booze, then this is the article for you. From halloween booze and booze cruises to tabs and smoke, we cover them all. Learn the funniest jokes about your favorite drinks and have a good time laughing at the same time! Let us have a drink and find out the funniest jokes!
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Funniest Booze Short Jokes
Short booze jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The booze humour may include short liquor jokes also.
- Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.
PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment - I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me... I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
- What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk? Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing
- A Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Russian are seeing who can drink the most booze. It's been two weeks and they're still going.
- Why did the ghost walk into the bar? For the BOOze!!!
(This is my 5-year-olds favorite joke) - I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.
- My doctor told me I need to drink less booze.... I have looked everywhere and can't find that brand
- I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere. Then suddenly I slipped in cider.
- When I was in college, I went to a party at the math fraternity house. I left when I found out they didn't have any booze; they didn't want people to drink and derive.
- What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian? If you're good you get laughs, and if you're bad you get booze.
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Booze One Liners
Which booze one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with booze? I can suggest the ones about whiskey and vodka.
- What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze
- There are 70 ways to make a man happy... One is booze and the other is 69.
- How does a booze thief make you feel better? He lifts your spirits.
- How do Ghosts get Drunk? Booze.
- Why are ghosts popular at parties? Because they always bring the booze.
- What does an abusive father and a ghost have in common? Booze
- Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store? Because you always only get booze
- Why do bars tend to be the most haunted business? because they're full of booze!
- I never give money to homeless people ...because I know i'm going to buy booze with it.
- What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend? Booze
(Kill me now) - My uncle keeps getting in trouble for kiestering booze into jail It's a real condomrum
- What do you call a Children's show with some Alcohol added in? Booze Clues.
- Why do ghosts like going out? So they can drink boo-ze and get sheet-faced.
- Bargain Booze is shutting down... You could say it's gone into liquidation.
- A web developer walks into a bar, tavern, pub, saloon, lounge, booze, alcohol, drinking
Booze Cruise Jokes
Here is a list of funny booze cruise jokes and even better booze cruise puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Booze Cruise I'm not afraid to die, I'm just afraid of how I'm going to die.
I wanna go like my grandpa, In his sleep, not like his other 4 screaming passengers.
Uplifting Booze Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about booze you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alcoholic beverages jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make booze pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So god asked 3 guys...
Three men die and end up meeting god.
God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.
"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."
God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.
God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.
God asks the third man..."I want all the w**... in the world!" His wish is granted.
1000 years go by.
The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.
The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.
The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.
"Can I have a light."
A man goes into a bar...
...and orders a beer. The barman gives him a beer and tells him that it is on the house.
When the man orders a second beer, he tries to pay but the barman refuses to take his money.
This continues for well over an hour, and the man realizes that the barman isn`t charging anyone for the drinks.
Finally he asks the barman why he is giving all the booze away for free. The barman answers, "I just found out that the owner is having an affair with my wife. So I am doing to his business what he`s doing to her."
So, a little person wanted some alcohol from me...
but booze was in short supple
The Golden Toilet
A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than his share, of course. Towards the end of the night, said guy, needed to use the bathroom, and asked the butler where it was. "Down the hall, 32 doors and to the left."...so, down the hall he goes counts the doors and goes RIGHT. Walks in and all he could say was "WOW, this guy is really really rich, he even has a GOLDEN toilet." He does his business and goes home.
He wakes up the next day and realizes he lost his wallet, only thing he can think of is it must have fell out when he was on the toilet. So, he hops in his car and drives on over to his boss's house. The butler answers the door and he says "hey, I think I dropped my wallet next to your golden toilet". The butler turns his head and yells "HEY CHARLIE, HERE'S THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!!!"
A couple of Hobos are sitting under an overpass sharing some hobo chili...
When Colorado Curly Bo says to Dakota Slim, "So, how'd you end up like this?"
Dakota Slim says, "Booze."
Bo says, "Yeah, I know how that is."
Dakota Slim continues, "I had it all; a beautiful wife, big house, two-car garage, and I just drank it all away."
He pauses, and asks "How'd you end up here?"
Bo says, "Racehorses."
Dakota reflects, "Yeah, I know how that is."
Bo says, "I just kept buying 'em and eating 'em!"
A very life-battered looking hobo asks for some change from a guy coming from a bar
The guy asks "Are you going to use it for booze then?"
"No I will not, sir" says the hobo.
"Well will you gamble it then?" Asks the man.
"No I will not, sir"
"Well then you must come and show my wife what it does to a man if he doesn't drink or gamble!"
And I really love chocolate...
I'm like a chocoholic, but for booze.
So an old buddy of mine went to prison...
He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.
When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.
He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"
A cave man walks into a bar...
"Hey, Joe, has any one invented booze yet?"
I've spent most of my money on booze and women...
...the rest I just wasted.
*credit to George Best*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*dirty* thought of this at work. What do alcohalics and navymen have in common?
The both go to a bar to drink s**... under the table for free booze.
Husband's night out
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
I'm a senior in college with 2 semesters left, and I'm considering picking up a minor
Do I lie about my age, or do I just offer to buy her cigarettes and booze?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.
He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.
"What the h**...'s going on, Steve?" asks the woman.
"What do you think of the pig?"
"That's not a pig, it's a duck."
"I wasn't talking to you."
I have a drinking problem..
I need more booze
A drunk's prayer...
A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?
Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.
Extra:
What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.
So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil.
The devil appeared to the man one day and said "If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"
The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, the man had lived a life of wealth, women and booze.
He was out walking home from a bar when the devil reappeared in front of him.
"Time's up, your soul, now, as per our deal"
The man looked at him blankly and said "alright"
He pulls out a sharp blade, bends over and reaches toward his shoes.
What do you do when a girl spills booze on herself...
You Liquor
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you take booze and l**... at the same time?
An ester.
What does Doc Brown say when he tastes good booze?
"Great scotch!"
The Ant, and Spider,were hanging at the millipede's house...
They ran out of Booze. So being a good host, the Millipede volunteered to get more at the store.
Waited for 2 hours and the millipede was nowhere to be found.
They opened the front door and saw the Millipede was still putting on his shoes ..
Why do some people drink for health?
They think it will booze their immune system.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man orders a drink..
**(Not sure if this has been posted here before. Had read it long before as a kid.)**
A man orders a drink but has to use the loo. To ensure nobody drinks his booze he places a note underneath the glass which reads "I spat in the drink".. He returns from the loo finding an another note for him.. "Me too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How I would spend a million?
On something intelligent like; c**..., booze and h**......
A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.
After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.
Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
What did the ghost at a frat party want?
Boo-ze
I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn't get in line. I knew it was a trick…
Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents
So I've seen a lot of booze ads lately
And they all say please drink Responsibly or enjoy Responsibly or something like that, and I'm just confused.
What kind of drink does Responsibly make that even other brands endorse it in their own ads?
Im a social drinker
Yep, I spend my social security checks on booze.
If I had a dollar for each booze...
... I could now afford the liver transplant.
We all know Donald Trump doesn't drink alcohol. But did you know he won't drink non-alcoholic beer either?
It's fake booze.
What booze does Thor drink?
4Loki 😏
FYI: They sell booze on the Ferry Ride back from Alcatraz
So come take part in Alchietraz
For Christmas, I am thinking of giving you a hundred dollars,
But I bought booze instead. Anyway, remember it is the thought that counts.
Whats the only disease where you can constantly drink booze?
Alcoholism.
A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed
A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.
*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.
*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.
*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the mechanic.
Suddenly, a voice echoed from behind them.
*"I'm the gas station owner and you're all half right. That wasted idiot drank pure gasoline while pouring beer into his car."*
4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train
They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".
I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!
Ivan and Piotr are drinking in a shack out in the woods...
They've been drinking for three days straight and have finally run completely out of booze.
Piotr turns to Ivan and says, "Vanya, go look in the shed out back, see if there's anything to drink there."
Ivan stumbles back with a bottle of methanol in his hand. "Well, we could drink this, but we'd go blind."
Piotr looks around the shack, stares out the window a moment, and says, "I think I've seen enough."
House remodel
My wife and I recently completed a remodel of our kitchen. The other night we decided to move all the dishes and into the new cabinets. The last thing we moved was all our booze. I picked up two bottles and turned around. My wife had FIVE bottles at once!
My wife really can hold her liquor…
