Books Jokes

Following is our collection of literature humor and hardback one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Books puns for adults, dirty myshelf jokes or clean knock knock book gags for kids.

There is an abundance of chapter jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on books. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any pages witze you can hear about books.

The Best jokes about Books

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: "They're right behind you."

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

Do you know why libraries don't have books about suicide?

They never get returned


I got kicked out of the library today...

Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

Why does Kim Jong Un love books?

Because he is the Supreme Reader.

Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him?

A glorious reader.

Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."


$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.!!!

He only had his shelf to blame.,,,,

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.

He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.

She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : hardback?

I said: yeah and little heads

To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license.

Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.


Midget Discrimination

A midget asks the librarian, Do you have any books on midget discrimination? The librarian replies, Top shelf .

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 6 pm...

until I'm removed by security.

I recently got crushed by a pile of books,

I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I have only my shelf to blame.

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.

She said "They're right behind you".

I walked into a bookshop

Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"


Them "Hard back?"


Me: "Yeah, with little heads"

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

-Hi, do you have books on midget discrimination?

-Yeah, look on that top shelf in the corner

I asked a girl to come back to my place and as she was looking through my books...

She asked, "How come you've got so many copies of 'War and Peace'?"

I replied, "It's a long story..."

I walked into a library.

I said, "Have you got any books on..."

"Telepathy?"

"Yes."

A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles

"Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

Barns and no-bulls.

(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky

got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books

Did you hear there was a fire in George Bushes personal library?

It was awful! Most of his books hadn't even been colored in yet.

How long does an owl live?

six and a half books.

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

I'm not saying my house has too many books

But I just saw an orang-utan in the kitchen, looking for a banana.

My friend got crushed by a pile of books.

He's only got his shelf to blame.

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

A new monk arrives at the monastery.....

and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off strip is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the strip. A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the strip. The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

Books all over the floor.....

but I have only my shelf to blame.

i went to a bookshop

And asked for a book about tortoises. The woman asked "hardback?"

I said "yeah, and little heads."

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

I bought 37 self-help books today...

I just couldn't help myself.

A tourist is travelling down the Rhine

He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

A midget walks into a bookstore...

...& asks clerk: 'do you happen to have any books on irony.'

The clerk points to a shelf: 'top row.'

So I ask my local librarian...

If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.

I like my books like I like my women

Thin, interesting and good in bed.

Dogs are like books

The more you like them, the harder they are to put down.

Celebrate good times

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. he notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So the new monk goes to the head monk and asks him about this. He points out that if there'd been an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says: 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
hours later, nobody has seen him. So one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. he asks what's wrong.
'The world is "celebrate"!' says the old monk.

I finished 3 books today..

Might not sound like it, but that's a lot of colouring

A guy walks in a library:

- Do you have motivational books here?
- Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf.
- Do you have any books closer?"

In line at Heaven's Gate.

A Lutheran, Muslim, and a Jew die in a car wreck together and end up in line at the Gate to Heaven together.

The Lutheran walks up and Saint Peter asks his religion and then checks his books and says, "Lutherans: room 11, but be very quiet going past room 4."

The Muslim walks up and Saint Peter tells him, "Muslims: room 8, but be very quiet when you pass room 4."

The Jew steps up and is told to go to room 6 and to be quiet passing room 4. Curious, he asked Saint Peter why everyone has to be quiet passing room 4?

Saint Peter says, "Room 4 is Catholics, they think they are the only ones here."

What kind of books do fruit read?

Pulp Fiction

midget in the library

midget walks into a library and ask do you have any books on irony? the librarian replies sure they are on the top shelf

That's the problem with writing books about suicide techniques

... you only get negative reviews.

A Pole, a German and a Russian go to prison...

A Pole, a German and a Russian are sent to prison. They each receive a 50-year sentence with no parole. The guard, when putting them in their cells, shows mercy on them and offers to give each of them a small supply of their favourite things to occupy their times. The Pole picks a collection of books by his favourite author, the German picks a case of strong beer, and the Russian picks a huge pack of cigarettes. After the 50 years pass, the guard checks on his prisoners. The Pole thanks the guard for allowing him to gain knowledge in his time, the German complains that he ran out of alcohol a week into his sentence, and the Russian asks the guard for a lighter.

You wanna know why I got kicked out of the library?

I moved all of the women's rights books to the fiction section.

Inigo Montoya gets married

He tells his new wife that he has always wanted a son to carry on the family name. They try for several years, but never have any children. Upset, he takes her to Miracle Max to see what can be done. Miracle Max looks her over, asks some questions, consults his books, and comes back with the bad news. He tells Inigo that his wife will never bear children. It turns out that she's inconceivable.

The Blonde And The Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RING!"

In the library:

"Excuse me, where are the books about paranoia?"

"They are... right behind you."

Books keep falling on my head....

I've only got myshelf to blame

Satan appears to a lawyer...

...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be damned for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, "So, what's the catch"

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one was dead Sirius.

Monks had it all wrong

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is *celebrate*, not *celibate!*," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes