booked Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious booked puns

My wife is so fat that when she booked a flight they made her have 2 seats.

She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals

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I just booked some cheap seats from United.

They were in the nosebleed section.

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It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog

So I booked a United flight instead

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So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

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I phoned my wife today and said...

"Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."

"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.

I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"

"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

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What's a difference between a crusade and a homicide

In one, you murder for a book and in other you are booked for a murder.

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I couldn't get a place at the local library

...........they were completely booked

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I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment.

I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.

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I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...

You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
[source: philip geubels, Belgian comedian]

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I'm starting to have second thoughts about the hotel room I booked at the Indian Casino this weekend.

simply put, I'm having reservations about my reservation on the reservation.

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Two men fell madly in love with the same woman

They went to the woman and demanded she choose between them.

The woman told the two men that they were young and inexperienced, they should both go all the way around the world at least once before she could decide.

The first man immediately went home, began packing, and booked a the first flight out of the country.

The second man went home, but returned to the woman the next day and walked a circle around her. He looked into her eyes and told her that she was the whole world to him.

Who do you think she chose?

​Answer: >!The rich one!<

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True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'

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A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she's waiting in line for an orange stand, to which the Grandma replied, Oh, I would love some oranges!

As the prostitute and her grandma came to the front of the line, the policeman asked the Grandma, How do you still do it at this age?

The Grandma replied, I just pull out my dentures, pull back the skin, and suck it dry!

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Couldn't get into the library the other day...

... it was fully booked.

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Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her

Never realised she liked snooker so much.

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I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library

Apparently they're fully booked

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On my recent trip to Kenya, I booked a hotel within walking distance of the beach.

You can't imagine how far the Kenyans would walk.

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I'm here to see the doctor.

Secretary: Which doctor?

I suppose, if the real doctor is booked.

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The referee

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

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I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.

Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.

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My band played at a library yesterday

It was fully booked!

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I'm a germaphobe and my doctor said to face my fear

So I did it, I booked my flight to Germany.

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3 friends go to a ski lodge...

But the receptionist at the front dest said that the lodge was over booked, and the friends have to share a room.

After walking in they notice that there's only one bed. They decide to go to bed early and set their alarms for 6:30am.

The buzzer sounds and they awake. The one on the left of the bed is smiling:

Last night I had a dream that the receptionist from the front desk gave me a handjob .

Hmm , the friend on the right side says, I dreamt my wife was giving me a blowjob.

Very weird , the middle friend exclaims, I dreamt that I was skiing .

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Two different doctors

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.


The FIRST patient is examined by his regular doctor within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.


The SECOND sees his regular doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.


Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

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I booked an airline ticket with United Airlines

It was a drag

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Timbuktu

Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"

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A concert promoter was fired for claiming he had the worlds largest piano player booked when he was only 5' 8"...

Just another case of a man lying about the size of his pianist.

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I tried to schedule an appointment at the Library

... but I couldn't because they were fully booked.

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So a fully booked plane is flying over the ocean.

Everyone is comfortably settled in watching a movie, reading a book or sleeping.

Suddenly the cockpit door opens and the captain steps out, with a parachute on his back. Trying to draw as less attention as possible he starts making his way to the back of the plane. But of course the passengers see this, confused looks everywhere, people start to whisper until one man addresses the captain loudly:

"Sir, is there a problem? Is something wrong?"

"No, no, don't worry", says the captain, "everything will be fine, I'm on my way to get some help."

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Lawyers and Prostitutes

If a solicitor engages in solicitation and a prostitute engages in prostitution, then why do prostitutes get booked for solicitation and solicitors get paid to screw people?

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I wanted to reserve a copy of a new novel coming out

But they were all booked

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A man approached the check in counter

A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said "Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii"

Confused, the check in lady said "I'm sorry sir we can't do that"

The man responded "Thats great news, because thats what happened last time"

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I booked a session with a professional insulter.

It was a dis appointment.

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An elder couple goes to restaurant in Paris

An elder couple goes to a restaurant for the man's 100th birthday. Upon entering a favorite restaurant of his, they found out it is fully booked.

In an attempt to seal a table still, the woman starts explaining how her husband fought in World War II for his country, that he came to this particular restaurant with his army friends. He probably wouldn't live much longer than this, and though his army friends were long gone, he wanted to dine here one last time.

Moved by his story the manager fixed them a table and gave them the best possible service he could. After a wealthy fine dinner, with some really great wines the couple proceeds to check out.

When paying the manager asked the man, who had been rather quiet so far, if everything was ok. To which the man replied: Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!

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I tried to make reservations at the library...

but they were completely booked.

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What are the most funny Booked jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Booked? Well, here are the best Booked dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Booked pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes