Book Jokes

What are some Book jokes?

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
ย 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
ย 
The clerk said, Kiss my assโ€ฆ get outโ€ฆ and stay out!
ย 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.ย  Do you have it in paperback?

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book

Cost me a fortune in stamps

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on only one book for years?

The Church

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

a man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.........

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?

I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet".
I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!


This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read...........

On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?'

Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women's rights doesn't belong in the fiction section.

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

Life is too short for my book of 5 letter words.

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for ยฃ6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

A man walks into a library...

And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"

"Hard back?"

"Yeah, with little heads"

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

A woman searches for something in the living room.

After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:

- Have you seen my book?

- Which one?

- How to live to become 100 years old.

- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.

- But why?

- Your mother started reading it...

I just booked some cheap seats from United.

They were in the nosebleed section.

I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?"

The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."

My friend said he liked the ending of his book so much, he'd jack off to it.

I just don't know how he came to that conclusion.

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.

It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : hardback?

I said: yeah and little heads

I've been reading a book about anti-gravity.

Man, I just can't put this thing down.

Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday?

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

I wrote a book on penguins...

In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier...

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

I wrote a book on penguins once..

Paper probably would've been better!

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

I'm writing a book about WD-40.

It's Non-Friction

What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?

Putting it down

Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color

After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!

I've just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

A man goes to the library and asks for a book

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?

What if you have an accident?

The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.

The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.

My girlfriend caught me having sex with a book of optical illusions

I tried explaining to her, "This isn't what it looks like!"

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

I walked in a Library...

I walked in a library and asked the librarian for a book about small penises. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I replied "Yeah, that's the one"

Someone gave me a book on anger Management

I lost it

Just found out I will be in a children's book...

Well it's more of a register

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (อก ยฐ อœส– อก ยฐ)

A guy walks into a bookstore...

A guy walks into a bookstore and asks the assistant, "Hey, do you know if you guys have the new book for guys with short penises?"

The assistant says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

Guy says, "Yeah, that's the one!"

I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

At church, last sunday

โ€ฆ, the preacher said "Jesus died for your sins". At that point, a man got up, furious and shouted "Seriously, man? I was reading that book!"

What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.

The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."

The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

In space, every book is a good book

You simply can't put it down.

I bought a book on eBay called "How to Scam on eBay".

It still hasn't arrived.

I read a whole book on adhesive substances last night, I just couldn't put it down

A Blonde Walks into a Library

A blonde walks into a library and slams a book on the desk.

She says, "This is the worst book I've ever read!! There's no plot and it has way too many characters!!"

The librarian says, "So that's what happened to our phonebook."

A police officer pulls a guy over.....

and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?

-Hi, do you have books on midget discrimination?

-Yeah, look on that top shelf in the corner

I just bought a thesaurus

I just bought a thesaurus from the book store, however when I got home I found that all the pages were blank! I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Stephen Hawking has finally released his new book about space.

It's about time, too.

The Inauguration of the First Jewish President.

The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.

She turns to him and says,

"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"

"Yeah?" He responds

"His brother's a doctor"

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

I've just seen the most confusing book...

Ventriloquism for Dummies

A book falls on Sean Connery's head

"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999? He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

Because... he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, ...only 90's kids remember the 90's

3 men go on a trip.....

They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.

After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a handjob last night."

The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a handjob too! What a coincidence! "

The man in the middle said, "I dreamed I was skiing."

Two goats were behind a Hollywood movie studio eating an old movie film.

One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

How to make Book jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Book to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Book? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Book pick up lines to share with friends.

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