The Best 97 Book Jokes

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

I've been reading a book about anti-gravity.

Man, I just can't put this thing down.

I walked in a Library...

I walked in a library and asked the librarian for a book about small penises. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I replied "Yeah, that's the one"

I wrote a book on penguins once..

Paper probably would've been better!

My girlfriend caught me having sex with a book of optical illusions

I tried explaining to her, "This isn't what it looks like!"

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"

Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color

After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!

Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday?

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read...........

At church, last sunday

…, the preacher said "Jesus died for your sins". At that point, a man got up, furious and shouted "Seriously, man? I was reading that book!"

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.

I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?"

The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."

I've just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it

A man goes to the library and asks for a book

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."

Life is too short for my book of 5 letter words.

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book

Cost me a fortune in stamps

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

a man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.........

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

I just booked some cheap seats from United.

They were in the nosebleed section.

I'm writing a book about WD-40.

It's Non-Friction

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.

My friend said he liked the ending of his book so much, he'd jack off to it.

I just don't know how he came to that conclusion.

I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet".
I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?

What if you have an accident?

The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.

The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women's rights doesn't belong in the fiction section.

A man walks into a library...

And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"

"Hard back?"

"Yeah, with little heads"

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on only one book for years?

The Church

Someone gave me a book on anger Management

I lost it

What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?

Putting it down

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

I wrote a book on penguins...

In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier...

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!

This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

Just found out I will be in a children's book...

Well it's more of a register

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?'

Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."

The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.

It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : hardback?

I said: yeah and little heads

I have written a book on Penguins

In hindsight, paper would have been better.

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.

I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.

I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.

How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell? asks the KGB agent.

I already speak Russian."

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...

A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger.

The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not.

I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. The periodicity. The reflections. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is aslo over his head. He drowns.


The chemist is sitting on the beach making notes in his lab book.

He writes, "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don't work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"

This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome...

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.

The driver lowers her window.

Policeman: Name, please?

Woman: Freda.

Policeman: Surname?

Woman: Gonow.

Policeman: So you are Freda Gonow.

Woman: Thanks very much , and she takes off!

Time to kill off some of the characters in the book I'm writing...

This will be one hell of an autobiography....

A book about a woman's fall

The Final Fall by Eileen Dover

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release because of a typo error.

The title read 'How to change your wife'.

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

Dwarf enters the library

"One book on discrimination of dwarves, please." - says the dwarf

"Third row..." - replies the librarian - "top shelf."

I was browsing in a bookstore and found an English book about unexpected uses for a pry bar.

50 Ways to Love Your Lever.

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.

"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."

A girl came into my bookstore and asked...

A girl came into my bookstore and asked, "what are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to nun?