She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
"The most violent book I have ever read"
It was an autobiography...
That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
ย
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
ย
The clerk said, Kiss my assโฆ get outโฆ and stay out!
ย
The man said, Yes, that's the one.ย Do you have it in paperback?
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work.
Cost me a fortune in stamps
He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
One says, "I liked the book better"
So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
The Church
The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
It's so good I can't put it down.
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
She said, "It's not in yet".
I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"
The librarian asks "hard back?"
The guy replies "yeah little heads too."
Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.
Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.
Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.
Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.
Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.
Yoda: There is no tri, only du.
At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.
A key!
This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.
I'm sad as a coconut.
That was the most violent book I've ever read...........
Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
Cashier: "You'll pay for that."
The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."
I said, "Yes, that's the one."
Apparently the book on women's rights doesn't belong in the fiction section.
That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.
A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."
She must think I'm crazy!!
And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"
"Hard back?"
"Yeah, with little heads"
He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.
It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.
Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.
After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:
- Have you seen my book?
- Which one?
- How to live to become 100 years old.
- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.
- But why?
- Your mother started reading it...
They were in the nosebleed section.
The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
I just don't know how he came to that conclusion.
I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
The cashier said : hardback?
I said: yeah and little heads
Man, I just can't put this thing down.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier...
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
Paper probably would've been better!
They're due back at the library today.
It's Non-Friction
Putting it down
After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it
"I have only my shelf to blame"
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
I tried explaining to her, "This isn't what it looks like!"
I walked in a library and asked the librarian for a book about small penises. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".
I replied "Yeah, that's the one"
I lost it
Well it's more of a register
Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (อก ยฐ อส อก ยฐ)
A guy walks into a bookstore and asks the assistant, "Hey, do you know if you guys have the new book for guys with short penises?"
The assistant says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
Guy says, "Yeah, that's the one!"
Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.
โฆ, the preacher said "Jesus died for your sins". At that point, a man got up, furious and shouted "Seriously, man? I was reading that book!"
Tequila Mockingbird
A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."
And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
You simply can't put it down.
It still hasn't arrived.
A blonde walks into a library and slams a book on the desk.
She says, "This is the worst book I've ever read!! There's no plot and it has way too many characters!!"
The librarian says, "So that's what happened to our phonebook."
and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?
-Yeah, look on that top shelf in the corner
I just bought a thesaurus from the book store, however when I got home I found that all the pages were blank! I have no words to describe how angry I am.
It's about time, too.
The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.
She turns to him and says,
"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"
"Yeah?" He responds
"His brother's a doctor"
It was about time.
Ventriloquism for Dummies
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999? He asks
The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.
Because... he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, ...only 90's kids remember the 90's
They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.
After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a handjob last night."
The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a handjob too! What a coincidence! "
The man in the middle said, "I dreamed I was skiing."
One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".
He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"
The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"
We have collected gags and puns about Book to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Book? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Book pick up lines to share with friends.