Bones Jokes

Make jokes about broken bones with this collection of puns, one-liners and references to Mr Bones, old bones, tibia, marrow, dinosaur bones and more. Bring laughter to bones puns and find out why piranhas don't break bones.

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Bones Jokes with Friends.

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

Lone Survivor

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this, I had to survive." The rescue leader says "But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!"

Have you heard about Gandhi?

Gandhi walked around a bunch and built up giant callouses on the bottoms of his feet. He fasted a bunch which gave his bones a rather fragile brittle nature. He was a spiritual man, a mystic to many people. And he had a strange diet of green tea and white rice which gave him constant bad breath.

So **tl;dr** Gandhi was a super-calloused, fragile mystic, vexed with halitosis.

There once was an old mystic

He was too poor to afford shoes, so he often had sores on his feet, and since he was old, he could easily break his bones if he was not careful. He also had a very bad diet, so his breath smelt terrible.

I guess you could say he was a....

**Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis**

jokes about bones

How are strippers like giants?

they both grind bones to make bread.

What do you call a Canadian fish with no bones?

Phil, eh?

I auditioned for a TV show for people with broken bones.

I didn't make the cast.

Bones joke, I auditioned for a TV show for people with broken bones.

What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind on bones to make their bread.

Three pregnant women were knitting tops for their soon-to-be born.

One posh one says "I'm taking vitamin A, as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth". The other posh one says "I'm taking vitamin C, as I want my baby to have a good constitution and good heart". The chavvy one says "I'm taking Thalidomide cos I can't knit arms".

I find puns about bones to be...

quite Humerus!

Stick and stones may break my bones

But words are triggering and require federal regulation.

You can explore bones piranha reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bones ribs dad jokes. There are also bones puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

How much do all the bones in the human body weigh?

A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

207, 206, 207, 206, 207……

Suspended

Boy: Dad, I got suspended from school today.

Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!

Boy: A kid said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

Dad: So?

Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.

Dad: That's my boy.

What did it mean when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

How many bones are there in a graveyard?

A skeleTON.

Bones joke, How many bones are there in a graveyard?

There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones,

But alas it twas in vein.

Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste

A Russian man was making small talk with his wife about the weather...

"Looks like rain today doesn't it?" but his wife insisted...

"Rudy, my love, the weatherman says it will clear up before lunch."

"No, zayka, I feel it in my bones. It is going to rain."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Oh, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear..."

What if dinosaur bones were only found on Earth...

Because aliens used this planet as a pet cemetery?

I got into a fight

The guy broke my nose.

But I broke 7 bones in his hand so...

I'm calling it a win.

A man named Theodore

A man named Theodore works in a hospital and scans people for broken bones. Despite being the only person at the hospital who does this, he has never scanned anyone under the age of 18. He wonders why this is, and suddenly it hits him.

He's x-ray Ted.

What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my arsehole and wriggles it about a bit.

Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"

A tongue has no bones but it is strong enough to break a heart and..

is also strong enough to lift the pelvic bone.

Bones joke, A tongue has no bones but it is strong enough to break a heart and..

TIL that a school of piranhas...

... can completely strip the flesh of the bones of a small child in less than 20 seconds.

Β 

Also today I was fired from the zoo...

Kirk breaks his arm and goes to see Doctor McCoy.

McCoy starts to snigger and says, "Well James, you may not be laughing on the outside, but on the inside you're cracking up!"

"Funny, Bones", replies Kirk with a smirk.

"Actually James", says McCoy, checking Kirk's arm, "your humerus!"

My wife and I had our first baby last night.

It was really tender, but you've gotta watch out for all the little bones.

Why don't dogs and cats mix?

Their bones clog up the blender.

People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

What does the chemist's dog do to bones?

Barium.

How much do bones weigh?

About a skeleTON

Did you hear they found bones on the moon?

Turns out the cow didn't make it.

Why did the bones cross the street?

They didn't, the dogs ate them.

There are 27 bones in the human hand...

and 28 when I'm lonely.

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."

"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."

The civil engineer demurs.

"God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal pipe through the middle of a recreational area?"

A joke

The human body has 206 bones and you still think your dog loves you for no reason?

How much does a pile of bones weigh?

​

​

It must weigh a skele-ton!

I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus

What's common between strippers and giants?

They both grind men's bones to make bread

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

Why are bones so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin!

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."

What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men's bones to make their bread.

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

Puns about your bones are generally humerus.

But puns about the eyes are even cornea.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
β€Š

Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...

One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.

A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:

\- No one has arrived yet?

\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in pain

\- Not even the ambulance?

\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in agony

\- Not even the insurance company?

\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in suffering

\- Then you wouldn't mind if I lay there with you, would you?

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.

Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

I think after 9 years of dating and jokes, I've worn down all my girlfriend's funny bones.

She's got that funny arthritis now.

I once got high by snorting ground-up bones of a marine mammal, then I ran my neighbor over.

I did it on porpoise.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

What's the difference between an anorexic and a shooting star?

One's all skin and bones, and the other's a little meteor

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bones breaking bones puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bones old bones piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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