bones Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bones puns

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

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Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste

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3 pregnant women are waiting i an ob/gyn office...

All three are knitting newborn baby clothes while thry wait.

The first one pulls out a pill bottle and takes one. "This is my calcium supplement", she says. "I want my baby to have strong bones."

The 2nd one does the same. "Iron for developing blood cells," she adds.

The 3rd one, a little frustrated, pops a pill and keeps knitting. She turns to the others. "Thalidomide. I can't get these fucking sleeves right."

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How much do all the bones in the human body weigh?

A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.

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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

207, 206, 207, 206, 207……

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What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

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Suspended

Boy: Dad, I got suspended from school today.

Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!

Boy: A kid said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

Dad: So?

Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.

Dad: That's my boy.

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A badass pooch.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this
from a distance and says with caution "this guy
looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the
lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's
about to run he sees some bones next to him
and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that
was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly
stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher
then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over
by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can
benefit from this situation by telling the lion and
getting something in return. So the monkey
proceeds to tell the lion what really happened
and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll
get him together". So they start rushing back to
the dog. The dog sees them and realized what
happened and starts to panic even more. He
then gets another idea and shouts "where the
hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me
another lion an hour ago..."

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Jungle Defense

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly "Mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "Whoa! This guy seems tougher then he looks. I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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Lion vs Dog

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to be hanged. The Mexican chooses beheading. And the Canadian asks to be stabbed 1,000 times with a tiny fork.

As the Canadian lay bleeding out from 1,000 puncture wounds, the leader give him a puzzled look, and the Canadian replies,

"Good luck with your fucking canoes"

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are walking through the jungle when they are captured by cannibals.

They are brought before the cannibal chief. He says, 'I have some good news, and some bad news. Bad news is when you are dead, we are going to eat you, use your bones for tools and make canoes out of your skin. Good news is that you choose how you die.'
The Englishman asked for a sword, said 'God save the Queen" and ran himself through.
The Frenchman asked for a gun, said 'Viva La France' and blew his brains out.
The American asked for a fork and started stabbing himself all over till there were thousands of tiny holes spraying blood. The cannibal chief exclaimed 'What the hell are you doing?!?' The American looked up and with his final breath said, 'There goes your god damned canoe'

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Three men are shipwrecked...

... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated.

The chief then tells the second man that they will use his bones to create drumsticks with which they will play their drums. He is allowed to chose his own form of execution as well. So the man chooses poising.

Then they go to the third man and tell him that they will use his skin to cover the bottom of their boats, and tell him to chose his own form of execution. The man asks for a fork, and they bring him one. He then starts stabbing himself and says, "lets see you float a boat with this."

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Three pregnant women were knitting tops for their soon-to-be born.

One posh one says "I'm taking vitamin A, as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth". The other posh one says "I'm taking vitamin C, as I want my baby to have a good constitution and good heart". The chavvy one says "I'm taking Thalidomide cos I can't knit arms".

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Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the amazon...

When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will go to waste. We will ground your bones to make powder. We will use your teeth for necklaces and jewelry. Your skin will be tanned and stretched out across a frame to make canoes, and so on." He adds," I will give you all a knife, and you can kill yourselves how you want", he says untiing them. He hands a knife to the French man, he yells, "VIVA LA FRANCE!", and slits his throat. The Japanese man is next. He takes the knife, yells,"BANZIA!", and commits a hari-kari. Then, the American takes the knife, stabs holes all over his body, and says,"THERE'S YOUR FUCKIN' CANOE!"

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What did it mean when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

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There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones,

But alas it twas in vein.

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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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What did the scientists say when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

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Kirk breaks his arm and goes to see Doctor McCoy.

McCoy starts to snigger and says, "Well James, you may not be laughing on the outside, but on the inside you're cracking up!"

"Funny, Bones", replies Kirk with a smirk.

"Actually James", says McCoy, checking Kirk's arm, "your humerus!"

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How are strippers like giants?

they both grind bones to make bread.

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The Lost Dog

A lost dog strays into a jungle. From a distance a lion sees this and says with caution, "This guy looks edible! Never seen his kind before."

The lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace, to which the dog notices and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea - He says loudly "Mmm...that was some good lion meat!"

The lion abruptly stops and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. The monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

The monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". They start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"

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There once was an old mystic

He was too poor to afford shoes, so he often had sores on his feet, and since he was old, he could easily break his bones if he was not careful. He also had a very bad diet, so his breath smelt terrible.

I guess you could say he was a....

**Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis**

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TIL that a school of piranhas...

... can completely strip the flesh of the bones of a small child in less than 20 seconds.

 

Also today I was fired from the zoo...

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The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my arsehole and wriggles it about a bit.

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Bringing up Baby

Three expectant mothers sat in the obstetrician's office, knitting little sweaters for their impending children. One of them pops a pill in her mouth and the nurse asks, "What did you just take?"

"Iron." she replied. "I want my baby to have strong muscles!"


A second mother pops a pill in her mouth and the nurse again asks about it.

"Calcium.", she said. "I want my baby to have strong bones!"

Finally, the third woman pops a pill in her mouth and again the nurse asks her what she's taking.

"Thalidomide. I can't get these fucking arms right!"

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Stick and stones may break my bones

But words are triggering and require federal regulation.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used.

Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.

Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked.

Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick.

Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.

We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."

...

The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the
Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart.

The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and
yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.

The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"

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Some tourists are marveling at dinosaur bones in a museum.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 70 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were 70 million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

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How many bones are there in a graveyard?

A skeleTON.

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3 pregnant women in a lobby

Three pregnant women in a lobby are knitting. The first one stops and takes a pill. "It's iron" she says "I want my baby to have strong muscles"
They continue knitting except for woman number 3 who is looking confusedly at her knitting.
The second woman stops to take a pill. "It's calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones."
They continue knitting except for the third woman who starts taking fistfuls of pills. The first two women stop and wait for her explanation.
"Oh it's just thalidomide...I don't know how to knit sleeves"

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Lone Survivor

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this, I had to survive." The rescue leader says "But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!"

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What are the most funny Bones jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bones? Well, here are the best Bones dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bones pick up lines to share with friends.

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