bone Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious bone puns

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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Redneck First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second hillbilly starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The hillbilly pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

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What do you call sex with a french midget?

Bone a petite

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There are 27 bones in the human hand...

And 28 when I'm lonely.

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A woman is like a bucket of KFC...

Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.

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Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."

The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."

The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't"

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I got a boner at a funeral today...

It was mourning wood

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Three doctors are sitting on a park bench when a man limps past...

The first doctor sees him and says, I've been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.

No way! says the chiropractor, I've had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can't you see how crooked his back is?

Nope, says the orthopedic surgeon. I've had more training than both of you combined and I'm certain that this man has hip damage.

The doctor's arguing grew so loud that the man overheard them. Well gentlemen, he said, All four of us were wrong.

I thought it was a fart!

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Works like a charm

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

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Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

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What does a woman and KFC have in common?

Well, you start with the breasts and the thighs, and you end up with a greasy box to put your bone in.

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A woman comes into the ER...

A true story!

A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat.

An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go.

The lady accelerates down the ramp, hits the doorjamb at the bottom, and goes sprawling. As a result, she coughed up the fish bone.

The orderly, now worried about getting into trouble, thinks quick, and says "You're really lucky lady, usually we have to do that 2 or 3 times!"

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A request...

So I found out this week that my mom has Leukemia, and is going into the hospital either today or pretty soon there after to start chemo and then hopefully get a bone marrow transplant. I've decided to send her a video of me telling a joke a day to help keep her spirits up, but I know my library of jokes she would appreciate will probably run out within the first week. So please, post your best or favorite relatively clean jokes here! Jokes poking fun at Baptists would be especially appreciated. Thanks guys (and gals!)

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There are 27 bones in the human hand.

28 if I'm lonely.

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I went to an archaeologist's party where we were excavating a lower leg bone.

It was quite the shindig.

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A woman and a dog once fell in love.

He buried his bone in her backyard.

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Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.

"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.

"Oh yeah I'm fine."

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What do women and KFC have in common?

After you're done with the breasts and the thighs, you've still got a greasy box to stick your bone in.

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How much do all the bones in the human body weigh?

A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.

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The Egyptian man became a bone doctor...

They called him a Cairopractor

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What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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I wish my wife looked at me the way my dog does.

You know, waist-high with a bone in her mouth.

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Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is

Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is.

Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."

Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer."

Civil engineer: "God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe right through a recreational area."

*^\(the* *^joke* *^is* *^by* *^Robin* *^Williams,* *^I* *^think)*

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If you get a boner at a funeral...

Is that Mourning Wood?

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Princess Diana Jokes

What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.

How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.

Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can crash.

How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.

What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

Yes I am a horrible person wow.

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How is having sex with a woman and eating at KFC similar?

After you're done with the juicy breasts and the tender thighs, all there's left to do is to throw the bone in the greasy box.

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What did the French skeleton say before he ate?

Bone apetit

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A woman's doctor prescribes her testosterone

...for better bone density, libido, and mood. The woman is a bit dubious, but readily follows the doctor's orders.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. "How are you feeling, Mrs. Smith?" he asks.

She replies, "Oh, just wonderful. I am noticing a positive change on these hormones. I *am* suffering from a little extra hair growth, though."

"Oh, a little extra hair is perfectly normal when on a testosterone course," the doctor says reassuringly. "Where is the hair growing?"

The woman replies, "On my balls."

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How do skeletons kiss

Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.

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How do skeletons reproduce?

They bone.

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Ever wonder why you always get a boner when you look in the mirror?

That's because your dick thinks you're a cunt too!

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I get a boner every time I face north

Guess you can say I have a good sense of erection

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I asked my boss

I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. Paddy's day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.

Know anyone hiring?

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What do you call a beach with crooked waves?

A Scoli-ocean!

(Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)

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Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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How are women like KFC?

After your done munching on the breasts and thighs, you have a nice greasy box to put your bone in

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I got a boner at a funeral today....

Mourning wood.

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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country...

She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat.

Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm!"

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What does a bucket of KFC and a whore have in common?

After you're done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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Alabama Wedding

Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.

"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"

The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.

"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorgeous girl south of dixie," and after every description, the father hollers his approval.

"And best of all... she's a virgin!"

At the last statement, the father's excitement disappears. The son looks confused, and asks him what's the matter. The father shouts back,

"If she ain't good enough for her family, what makes you think she's good enough for ours?"

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What do women and KFC have in common?

Once your done with the legs and thighs you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.

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Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty

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Apparently when the waiter said "bone a petite"...

...it wasn't an encouragement to fuck her.

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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

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It's true I misunderstood what you meant by "take me to the bone zone"

but you must admit this is a very nice graveyard.

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Two teenagers snuck into a crypt at night. One tripped over a small bone and the other unashamedly laughed.

Can't blame him though, it was a little humerus.

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Why is a woman like a KFC?

After your done with the thighs and breasts all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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How much does 2,000lbs of bone weigh

a skeleton

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What does KFC and a woman have in common?

Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box
to put your bone in.

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I was trying to come up with a funny bone joke...

But I couldn't think of anything humorous.

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What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in

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You know what my favorite bone is?

The ulna. I'm sorry if you thought this joke would be humerus.

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There's no such thing as the funny bone...

But I heard the upper arm is quite humerus.

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What do a good woman and KFC have in common?

After nibbling the breast and thighs there's a greasy box to put your bone in.

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I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

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The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous

If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone

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How many bones are there in a graveyard?

A skeleTON.

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If you get a boner at a funeral is it still called mourning wood?

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Paddy and Mick are watching football at Mick's house

Mick looks out the window, and it's pissing rain out. He says to Paddy "sure stay the night here, I'll go up and make a bed for you".

When he gets back downstairs, Paddy is drenched to the bone. Mick says "what in the hell happened to you?

Paddy replied" I went home for me pajamas"

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My friend brought his wife into the pub and he asked me if i thought she was beautiful.

I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'

he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'

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Best amputation jokes?

Friend has bone cancer, may be getting an arm amputated. We have run "I'd give my left arm" and "Single-handedly" puns into the ground, and we need more amputation jokes.

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What do boners and stains have in common?

If you get it wet and rub it enough it'll go away.

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What does a woman have in common with a KFC meal?

Once your are done with the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

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Why is a woman like a KFC?

Because once you get past the juicy breast and tender thigh, all you have left is a greasy bucket to put your bone in...

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What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

Laughingstock.

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My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm.

Isn't that humorous?

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What's the similarity between women and KFC

Once you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you're left with a greasy box to pop your bone in.

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What do a chick and KFC have in common?

Once you're done enjoying the legs, thighs and breasts your left with a greasy box to stick your bone in.

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I had a boner during a funeral.

I call it the "Mourning Wood".

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Need help figuring out a Laffy Taffy joke

I just got this joke on a Laffy Taffy wrapper, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what this jerk-off Kyle P. is trying to get across. The joke is, what did the x-ray say to the broken bone? That bone should get a loan!

Why is the x-ray machine saying this? Is the joke that it rhymes? Does the bone need a loan to like, fix itself?

This is seriously bothering me and I need help.

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How is a lesbian like a camel?

Their hump has no bone.

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What did the paleontologist say to his wife after 6 months in the field ?

You wanna bone?

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Where do you go when you break your funny bone?

The Hahaspital.

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Why aren't there any female butchers?

Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone.

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I've had enough of Christmas!

All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids asked for, and what happens on Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it.

Still, I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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What was Jesus's least favorite bone?

The blasfemur

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A tongue has no bones but it is strong enough to break a heart and..

is also strong enough to lift the pelvic bone.

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What do woman and KFC have in common

After the breast and the thigh there is nothing left but a greasy box to stick your bone in.

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What's the difference between a chicken and a pussy?

A chicken is easier to eat if you bone it first.

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I have a few bone jokes for you...

...but tibia honest, you probably won't find it all that humerus

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What do a teenage boy and a dog have in common?

They both want to bury their bone.

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What did the skeleton say before they ate their meal?

Bone appetite.

(7 year old told me this today).

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I brought my vegetarian girlfriend home for dinner...

...and my grandmother served us all, including my girlfriend, a very juicy, very much still hanging on the bone, rack of lamb. My girlfriend was looking at me in horror, whilst I took my gran aside.

"Didn't I tell you she was a vegetarian?" I asked.

She replied "oh yes dear, I checked with the butcher and he said the sheep he sells only eat grass!"

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If I am terrible in bed...

does that mean I'm bad to the bone?

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A chemist, physicist, and engineer found a human thigh bone.

All three of them were cannibals.

The chemist licked it, and tried to put it into water to dissolve it.

The physicist tried to break it open to get at the marrow.

The engineer took the bone, hit the other two over the head, and ate them.

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I got a boner at my grandfather's funeral...

His death has been very hard on me.

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What happened to E?

Detective: What happened to E?

Pathologist: Looking at the remains' bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.

Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.

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Whats the funniest bone in the body?

The HUMOURUS!

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*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*

Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"

Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"

Judge: "Guilty"

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What do you call a bone that disrespects God?

A Blasfemur

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Bones always make me laugh.

They're just so humerus!

^^I'll ^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^^out

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How much calcium is in a kiss?

Enough to make a bone hard.

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Hey, are you a paleontologist?

Because I've got a massive bone in my pants for you to study.

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That fat bastard with the beard gets all the credit

I work my fingers to the bone to give my children everything they want for Christmas and for what? On Christmas day that fat bastard with the beard gets all the credit, mind you, i suppose it's my own fault for marrying her.

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[DAD JOKE] My friend and I like bone jokes...

...But this time, we want you to humerus.

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Doc, I swallowed a chicken bone.

"Are you choking?"

"No I'm serious!"

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There was a huge uproar when the official theme song of the National Leukemia Foundation was announced

What's wrong with "Bad to the Bone"?

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What does a woman and a KFC have in common?

Once you finish with the leg and the breast, all that's left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.

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I think when people talk about the "funny bone" they must mean the spine

Because after my sister broke hers she never laughed again.

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Why did the squirrel leave the tree?

Because it died...

Why did the bird leave the nest?
Because it died...

Why did the dog drop his bone?
Because it died...

Why did the man leave his house?
Because everything was dying in his yard and he said "fuck this, I'm out before I'm next!"

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How much do all the bones in a human body weigh?

A skelly tonne.

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A skeleton went to the doctor...

A skeleton went to the doctor one day and said

"doctor, I don't think I'm feeling very well. I've lost a lot of weight, everything I eat goes right through me and to top it off I've misplaced my arms."

The doctor looks the skeleton up and down and says

"This joke will never work, you haven't a funny bone in your body"

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Your mom doesn't have a nice bone in her body,

except for mine.

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Q.What do Skeletons say before eating? A: Bone Appetite.

Q.What do Skeletons say before eating?

A: Bone Appetite.

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What do you you call it when someone bangs a midget?

Bone a petite

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Give a dog a bone and you've made a friend for the day,

teach a dog to bone and you'll have friends for life.

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What's the smallest bone in a goats body?

A terrorists dick

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Napoleon got shot right in the shin

It tore his bone apart

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Why did the comedian steal the skeleton's arm bone?

He thought it would be humerus.

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What do you call a group of rappers that masturbate in synchronization?

Bone Tugs In Harmony

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What`s the definition of a misogynist?

A man who hates every bone in the female body... except his own.

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NSFW What's the difference between foreplay and KFC?

Once you're finished with the breasts and thighs, you're left with a greasy box to put your bone in.

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What do you call a couple of clowns having sex?

A funny bone.

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What do you call a broken bone factory?

A manufracturer

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What do women and KFC have in common?

After your finished with the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

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Everyone has a funny bone.

Mine is my humorous.

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What does a woman and kentucky fried chicken have in common?

By the time you're finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have is the greasy box to put your bone in

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The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

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Why is the ulna the second funniest bone in our skeleton?

It's near-humerus.

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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

He had a bone to pick with his neighbour.

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Did you know that a piranha can devour a child to the bone in 45 seconds?

In other words, I lost my job at the aquarium the other day

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Superman is flying high above the sky when he notices Wonder Woman lying naked on a rooftop with her legs spread...

...so he decides to quickly fly down, bone her, and fly out before she even notices. In a split second he swooshes in and does just that.

"What was that?" Wonder Woman shouts loudly.

"I don't know but my butt hurts," Invisible Man replies.

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My buddy Greg just lost both his arms...

He used to be such a cheery guy, so full of life ,but he hasn't laughed or smiled once at any of my jokes since his accident...

He doesn't have a single humerus bone in his body.

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So Doc' Can she run a marathon?

After fixing a young girl's broken bone a father asks "Will she be able to run a marathon when she recovers?"

To which the doctor replied "I don't see why not!"

The dad then says "That's odd, she couldn't run a marathon before!"

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Why are there more female than male archeologists?

They always want to find a new bone.

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What do Storm Troopers and Bone Thugs N Harmony have in common?

They are both going to miss every body.

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I like my women like I like my Christmas Ham...

...bone in.

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bones found on the moon.....

....apparently the cow didn't make it ?

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"Bones?" I said. "Is that you?"

"In the flesh", it replied.

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Why did George Thorogood sing Bad to the Bone?

Because he had osteoporosis

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I had reconstructive bone surgery

It wasn't Humerus

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What do skeletons say before eating?

Bone Appetit!

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What did the lady archaeologist say

I have a "bone" to pick with you

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She says she's picky

I told her I'm bony, and that I just might have a bone she can pick with me

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I heard that there was a French military leader who used to extract bone marrow.

His name was Napoleon Bone apart

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What do a creationist and a dude with a dinosaur bone fetish have in common?

They both get a hard on when they find a gap in the fossil record.

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Don't ever let a chiropractor tell u a joke.

It'll hit your funny bone.

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What did the old zombie dog say when she got a birthday bone?

*My hip!*

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Dogs are good replacements for a girlfriend

Only problem is you have to throw them a bone rather than give them one.

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I had a boner and to get rid of it I thought of bethesda at E3

It just keep getting bigger

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I like my women how I like my chicken.

On the bone.

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Beauty is only skin deep ...

but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

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What do you call a member of a bike gang with osteoporosis?

Bad to the bone.

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Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell down the well?

She screamed her fingers to the bone.

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Never trust a shark.

They don't have an honest bone in their body.

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What do you call a dating app for skeletons?

The bone zone.

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Old Mrs. Hubbard

Old Mrs. Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her old dog a bone.

But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,

so he gave her a bone of his own

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What does a paleontologist say to start a fight?

I've got a bone to pick with you.

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What are the best Bone puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bone? Well, here are the best jokes about Bone to have fun with.

Joko Jokes