Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
That's pretty humerus.
Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second hillbilly starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The hillbilly pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."
Bone a petite
And 28 when I'm lonely.
Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.
The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."
The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."
The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"
"Yeah?"
"I didn't"
It was mourning wood
The first doctor sees him and says, I've been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.
No way! says the chiropractor, I've had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can't you see how crooked his back is?
Nope, says the orthopedic surgeon. I've had more training than both of you combined and I'm certain that this man has hip damage.
The doctor's arguing grew so loud that the man overheard them. Well gentlemen, he said, All four of us were wrong.
I thought it was a fart!
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.
The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...
Well, you start with the breasts and the thighs, and you end up with a greasy box to put your bone in.
A true story!
A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat.
An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go.
The lady accelerates down the ramp, hits the doorjamb at the bottom, and goes sprawling. As a result, she coughed up the fish bone.
The orderly, now worried about getting into trouble, thinks quick, and says "You're really lucky lady, usually we have to do that 2 or 3 times!"
So I found out this week that my mom has Leukemia, and is going into the hospital either today or pretty soon there after to start chemo and then hopefully get a bone marrow transplant. I've decided to send her a video of me telling a joke a day to help keep her spirits up, but I know my library of jokes she would appreciate will probably run out within the first week. So please, post your best or favorite relatively clean jokes here! Jokes poking fun at Baptists would be especially appreciated. Thanks guys (and gals!)
28 if I'm lonely.
It was quite the shindig.
He buried his bone in her backyard.
And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."
After you're done with the breasts and the thighs, you've still got a greasy box to stick your bone in.
A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.
They called him a Cairopractor
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
You know, waist-high with a bone in her mouth.
Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is.
Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."
Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer."
Civil engineer: "God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe right through a recreational area."
*^\(the* *^joke* *^is* *^by* *^Robin* *^Williams,* *^I* *^think)*
Is that Mourning Wood?
What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.
How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.
Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can crash.
How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
Yes I am a horrible person wow.
After you're done with the juicy breasts and the tender thighs, all there's left to do is to throw the bone in the greasy box.
Bone apetit
...for better bone density, libido, and mood. The woman is a bit dubious, but readily follows the doctor's orders.
A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. "How are you feeling, Mrs. Smith?" he asks.
She replies, "Oh, just wonderful. I am noticing a positive change on these hormones. I *am* suffering from a little extra hair growth, though."
"Oh, a little extra hair is perfectly normal when on a testosterone course," the doctor says reassuringly. "Where is the hair growing?"
The woman replies, "On my balls."
Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.
They bone.
That's because your dick thinks you're a cunt too!
Guess you can say I have a good sense of erection
I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. Paddy's day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.
Know anyone hiring?
A Scoli-ocean!
(Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
After your done munching on the breasts and thighs, you have a nice greasy box to put your bone in
Mourning wood.
She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat.
Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.
Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.
The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm!"
After you're done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.
"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"
The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.
"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorgeous girl south of dixie," and after every description, the father hollers his approval.
"And best of all... she's a virgin!"
At the last statement, the father's excitement disappears. The son looks confused, and asks him what's the matter. The father shouts back,
"If she ain't good enough for her family, what makes you think she's good enough for ours?"
Once your done with the legs and thighs you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.
Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty
...it wasn't an encouragement to fuck her.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"
but you must admit this is a very nice graveyard.
Can't blame him though, it was a little humerus.
After your done with the thighs and breasts all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
a skeleton
Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box
to put your bone in.
But I couldn't think of anything humorous.
When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in
The ulna. I'm sorry if you thought this joke would be humerus.
But I heard the upper arm is quite humerus.
After nibbling the breast and thighs there's a greasy box to put your bone in.
But to bleach their bone, I guess.
If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone
A skeleTON.
Mick looks out the window, and it's pissing rain out. He says to Paddy "sure stay the night here, I'll go up and make a bed for you".
When he gets back downstairs, Paddy is drenched to the bone. Mick says "what in the hell happened to you?
Paddy replied" I went home for me pajamas"
I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'
he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'
Friend has bone cancer, may be getting an arm amputated. We have run "I'd give my left arm" and "Single-handedly" puns into the ground, and we need more amputation jokes.
If you get it wet and rub it enough it'll go away.
Once your are done with the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to throw your bone in.
Because once you get past the juicy breast and tender thigh, all you have left is a greasy bucket to put your bone in...
Laughingstock.
Isn't that humorous?
Once you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you're left with a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Once you're done enjoying the legs, thighs and breasts your left with a greasy box to stick your bone in.
I call it the "Mourning Wood".
I just got this joke on a Laffy Taffy wrapper, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what this jerk-off Kyle P. is trying to get across. The joke is, what did the x-ray say to the broken bone? That bone should get a loan!
Why is the x-ray machine saying this? Is the joke that it rhymes? Does the bone need a loan to like, fix itself?
This is seriously bothering me and I need help.
Their hump has no bone.
You wanna bone?
The Hahaspital.
Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone.
All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids asked for, and what happens on Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it.
Still, I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.
The blasfemur
is also strong enough to lift the pelvic bone.
After the breast and the thigh there is nothing left but a greasy box to stick your bone in.
A chicken is easier to eat if you bone it first.
...but tibia honest, you probably won't find it all that humerus
They both want to bury their bone.
Bone appetite.
(7 year old told me this today).
...and my grandmother served us all, including my girlfriend, a very juicy, very much still hanging on the bone, rack of lamb. My girlfriend was looking at me in horror, whilst I took my gran aside.
"Didn't I tell you she was a vegetarian?" I asked.
She replied "oh yes dear, I checked with the butcher and he said the sheep he sells only eat grass!"
does that mean I'm bad to the bone?
All three of them were cannibals.
The chemist licked it, and tried to put it into water to dissolve it.
The physicist tried to break it open to get at the marrow.
The engineer took the bone, hit the other two over the head, and ate them.
His death has been very hard on me.
Detective: What happened to E?
Pathologist: Looking at the remains' bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.
Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.
The HUMOURUS!
Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"
A Blasfemur
They're just so humerus!
^^I'll ^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^^out
Enough to make a bone hard.
Because I've got a massive bone in my pants for you to study.
I work my fingers to the bone to give my children everything they want for Christmas and for what? On Christmas day that fat bastard with the beard gets all the credit, mind you, i suppose it's my own fault for marrying her.
...But this time, we want you to humerus.
"Are you choking?"
"No I'm serious!"
What's wrong with "Bad to the Bone"?
Once you finish with the leg and the breast, all that's left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.
Because after my sister broke hers she never laughed again.
Because it died...
Why did the bird leave the nest?
Because it died...
Why did the dog drop his bone?
Because it died...
Why did the man leave his house?
Because everything was dying in his yard and he said "fuck this, I'm out before I'm next!"
A skelly tonne.
A skeleton went to the doctor one day and said
"doctor, I don't think I'm feeling very well. I've lost a lot of weight, everything I eat goes right through me and to top it off I've misplaced my arms."
The doctor looks the skeleton up and down and says
"This joke will never work, you haven't a funny bone in your body"
except for mine.
Q.What do Skeletons say before eating?
A: Bone Appetite.
Bone a petite
teach a dog to bone and you'll have friends for life.
A terrorists dick
It tore his bone apart
He thought it would be humerus.
Bone Tugs In Harmony
A man who hates every bone in the female body... except his own.
Once you're finished with the breasts and thighs, you're left with a greasy box to put your bone in.
A funny bone.
A manufracturer
After your finished with the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.
Mine is my humorous.
By the time you're finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have is the greasy box to put your bone in
Fortunately, none of them were mine.
It's near-humerus.
He had a bone to pick with his neighbour.
In other words, I lost my job at the aquarium the other day
...so he decides to quickly fly down, bone her, and fly out before she even notices. In a split second he swooshes in and does just that.
"What was that?" Wonder Woman shouts loudly.
"I don't know but my butt hurts," Invisible Man replies.
He used to be such a cheery guy, so full of life ,but he hasn't laughed or smiled once at any of my jokes since his accident...
He doesn't have a single humerus bone in his body.
After fixing a young girl's broken bone a father asks "Will she be able to run a marathon when she recovers?"
To which the doctor replied "I don't see why not!"
The dad then says "That's odd, she couldn't run a marathon before!"
They always want to find a new bone.
They are both going to miss every body.
...bone in.
....apparently the cow didn't make it ?
"In the flesh", it replied.
Because he had osteoporosis
It wasn't Humerus
Bone Appetit!
I have a "bone" to pick with you
I told her I'm bony, and that I just might have a bone she can pick with me
His name was Napoleon Bone apart
They both get a hard on when they find a gap in the fossil record.
It'll hit your funny bone.
*My hip!*
Only problem is you have to throw them a bone rather than give them one.
It just keep getting bigger
On the bone.
but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
Bad to the bone.
She screamed her fingers to the bone.
They don't have an honest bone in their body.
The bone zone.
Old Mrs. Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her old dog a bone.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
so he gave her a bone of his own
I've got a bone to pick with you.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bone? Well, here are the best jokes about Bone to have fun with.