Bond Jokes

161 bond jokes and hilarious bond puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bond that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This is a collection of bond jokes. If you are looking for a laugh, then this is the article for you.

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Funniest Bond Short Jokes

Short bond jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bond humour may include short bung jokes also.

  1. James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.

    (Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)
  2. 007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle. His orders are to, "bond James, bond".
  3. I went to make my own james bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt I had No Time To Dye.
  4. What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
  5. "The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what?
    "Bond Name's the james"
    Are you alright?
    "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
  6. What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie? A Brit with a full petrol tank.
  7. Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred
  8. James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar.
    Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
    James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
    He does not need to specify.
  9. I hate people who finds it disgusting when i breastfeed in public .. It's completely normal and strenghtens the bond between me and my dog.
  10. My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty.... 0 - Kills
    0 - Assists
    7 - Deaths

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Bond One Liners

Which bond one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bond? I can suggest the ones about loan and broker.

  1. The name's Bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.
  2. Where do James Bond Actors go when they die? 00Heaven
  3. How did Ian Fleming become so wealthy? By diversifying his Bonds!
  4. Where does 007 invest his money? Bonds. Stocks and bonds.
  5. What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist? Bond. Gold Bond.
  6. What does James Bond do before going to bed He goes undercover
  7. What is James Bond called in Newfoundland? 007:30
  8. Breastfeeding in public is natural. And it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
  9. What do you call James Bond in the bathtub? Bubble-0-7
  10. How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women? Shaven, not furred
  11. What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 0-7
  12. What do you call James bond in the bath? Bubble07
  13. James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014. But she was exposed for being a double agent.
  14. What do you call James Bond having a bath? Bubble 07
  15. If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle... why wasn't he James Stock?

James Bond Jokes

Here is a list of funny james bond jokes and even better james bond puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014? of course, he was, after all, his double. I'll see myself out.
  • Why the next James Bond should be a woman The next Bond should be a woman!
    Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...
    ... And all of that while she's parking.
  • My science teacher told us this James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond." The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."
    I'll see myself out...
  • Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014 But he was exposed as a double agent.
  • James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east. Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.
  • My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.
    I said "No time to die"?
    He replied: we can go tomorrow then!
  • Why does 007 try to form so many relationships with women? He was told to, "bond James, bond!"
  • Who is James Bond's favorite bartender? Michael J Fox
  • Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.
  • So Sean Connery Died today..... Couldn't he have died another day?

    (Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

Hydrogen Bond Jokes

Here is a list of funny hydrogen bond jokes and even better hydrogen bond puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Do you know how many hydrogen bonds I can disrupt? (Chemistry pick-up line) Enough to break the ice, how's it going?
  • So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen Sodium reacted violently.
  • What did the oxygen atom in tuxedo say to the hydrogen atoms? Bond, Covalent Bond
  • My chemistry teacher was talking about Hydrogen Bonding today. Sounds like a lot of FON.
  • Girls are like hydrogen bonds They just want to have FON!
  • Hey baby, are you a Hydrogen atom? 'Cause ever since I saw you we've been bonded.
  • Hydrogen Bonding? So much FON
Bond joke, Hydrogen Bonding?

Ionic Bond Jokes

Here is a list of funny ionic bond jokes and even better ionic bond puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You would think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to eachother But instead they steal each others electrons.
    How ionic.
  • What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend? an ionic bonding moment
  • The name in Bond... Ionic Bond! I prefer my electrons taken, not shared!
  • The difference between Sean Connery and a Silica Tetrahedron One's an ionic bond, the other's an iconic Bond.
  • You'd think that when two atoms in a salt bond, they're being kind by sharing electrons, but actually, one atom is stealing the electron from the other. Isn't it ionic?
  • How is Liam Neeson and an ionic bond alike? They are always having something get taken.

Covalent Bond Jokes

Here is a list of funny covalent bond jokes and even better covalent bond puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The name's Bond Covalent bond. Shared, not taken.
  • A man was touching his DVD shelf to find his favorite Bond..... then realized that in fact, there were no covalent bonds.
  • What did the super spy polyatomic ion say when he walked into the bar? The name's Bond, Covalent Bond
  • James Bond has a brother. Covalent Bond.
Bond joke, James Bond has a brother.

Howlingly Hilarious Bond Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about bond you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bond pranks.

What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?

The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.

I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond...

It's a chemical agent.

James Bond and Money Penny are locked in a trunk...

Money Penny: What's that jabbing me in the gluteus maximus?
Bond: my PPK?
Money Penny: 'K

Chemistry Joke

This came to me while studying for an exam....
**What did Sodium say when Hypobromite said that it wanted to bond?**
Sodium said "NaBrO"

(Bad) Chemistry Pun

teacher: why does bromine bond to this molecule instead of one of the other halogens?
me: because bromines before h**...-mines
(met with groans and laughs from the class)

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

My friend said her neighbors came into her restaurant for a book club, turns out it was for a b**... club. . .

I guess people bond over different things.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."

Can neon form a chemical bond with Indium?


Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.


If James Bond movies were about food...

These could be their titles:
* On Her Majesty's Secret Recipe
* Donuts are Forever
* Octopie
* Moonbaker
* The Spy Who Loved Meat
* License to Grill
* GoldenPie
* Diet Another Day
* All The Food In The World Is Not Enough
* Cashew Chicken Royale

How does James Bond sleep?


Mr.Bond caught pants down

"Ah, Mr Bond, I-"
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
"-wasn't expecting you."

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.
Chicken: What's your name?
Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.
Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

How do ghosts become friends?

They bond over boos.

I made this up while sleep-deprived last night. I am sorry.

Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake?

He was shaken, not stirred.

I know how it feels to be a noble gas.

No one wants to bond with me.

After years of my mom telling me to bond with my stepdad...

We finally bonded over a shared annoyance of her forcing us to do bonding activities.
I guess you could call it ironic bonding.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

How can you tell if James Bond has died?

If he has been shaken and not stirred!!

What do you call a spy in debt?

Bond. James' Bond.

Why did Harry Potter use so much Gold Bond when he got off his broom?

I'll see myself out.

Why did the H2 bond with the O?

Didn't mean to, it was an oxidant

Iodine wanted to bond with Uranium...

But Uranium wanted to bond with Helium ; helium was noble and didn't want to bond with Uranium. When Iodine found out about this, he said.....
"I know I can treat U better than He can..."

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of s**... or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

Does anybody want to hang out and form a bond over our shared interests?

I'm asking for a friend.

I tried to bond with my son by teaching him how to play the theremin.

My wife didn't think it was a hands-on activity.

Talk about a type-cast...

Why did James Bond hire a bartender with Parkinson's?
... Every drink was shaken, not stirred.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called Double O .77 cents on the dollar .

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

What did the b**... rope say?

I'm knotty


When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07

What do you call James Bond in a bathtub?


(I'll see myself out.)

A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings...

Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners had been discovered.

A new Jam based glue has been invented

Its called Jams bond

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.
The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"
Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man?

The bond matures.
Saw in American Dad

All Electrons were having the party

All Electrons were having the party
Suddenly protons attacked them..
A hero came and saved the electrons..
Electrons asked hero: "Who are you ?? "
Hero said : " BOND .. COVALENT BOND "

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

Why are the cow, whale and ant best friends?

Because they form cow-whale-ant bond

Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don't see each other much anymore but they're still tight.

Who's your favorite James Bond actor?

They're all good but I like Roger Moore.

What did James Bond's mother say as she was giving birth

I've been expecting you Mr. Bond

People always cry when cutting onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film...

... it's because he's got 'No time to Dye'.

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

What's it called when chemistry teachers share a favorite band?

A Co- Van Halen bond

What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?

He goes under cover

Why doesn't James Bond f**... in bed?

It would blow his cover!

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie?

Probably, "Bond Voyage."

Bond joke, What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie?

jokes about bond