Bolt Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Bolt puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Bolt

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

I bought a dog from a blacksmith

as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'OK then, 2 minutes.'

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith.

10 minutes after we arrived home, the dog made a bolt for the door.

What's the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith...

As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.

my dog is training to be a blacksmith

every now and then he'll make a bolt for the door

I bought a dog from a blacksmith today

Within 10 minutes of being home he'd already made a bolt for the door

What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

I just bought a dog from the town blacksmith

When I took it home, it made a bolt for the door.

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He waits at the next station

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

New dog

So I brought this new dog home that I got from a blacksmith yesterday. As soon as we got home it made a bolt for the door.

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

After Usain Bolt retires, he'll move to Iran.

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

usain bolt

usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He's looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt Hi, I'm here to see about joining your new golf course
Receptionist Hmmm I'm not so sure if that would be allowed sir
Usain Bolt Can I ask why? Have you sold all memberships?
Receptionist I'm afraid not sir, you see the owner of the course is rather racist and he won't allow black members. There is another golf course just 15 minutes down the road, I'm sure you can join them
Usain Bolt That is horrible! Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!
Receptionist Ah ok the other course will only be 5 minutes down the road then

Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'

'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'Its only 2 minutes then'

Credit to /u/Ron_manager who posted this a year or so ago, it's a breath of fresh air compared to the usual Bolt/Hitler one that does the rounds.

I found a stray dog the other day.

I think it's owner was a blacksmith, because as soon as I brought the thing home it made a bolt for the door.

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..

We screw, we nut, we bolt.

A priest is playing golf with a sailor.

The sailor uses salty language each time he misses. "Goddammit, I missed!"

The priest warns him not to curse in God's name.

The sailor misses again. "Goddammit I missed!"

The priest cautions him again.

The sailor misses a third time. "Goddammit I missed!"

The skies open up and the hand of God casts down a bolt of furious vengeance which completely obliterates... the priest.

The sailor looks up into the sky.

A booming voice from heaven says "Goddammit, I missed!"

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.

Very well, says God, let us see if Jesus has fared any better.

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?

God chuckles, Everybody knows… Jesus saves.

Why do machinists leave so quickly after sex?

They just screw, nut, and bolt

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

I think my new dog thinks he is a blacksmith

As soon as I took him inside he made a bolt for the door

What does a cheetah call Usain Bolt?

Fast food

I bought a dog off a locksmith today.

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

Jesus VS Satan

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves"

[NSFW] How do mechanics have sex?

They nut and bolt.

I told her I'm a mechanical engineer

I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.

Women hate mechanics.

All they do is screw, nut, and bolt.

A nun and a priest

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".

So it's the first day of shop class...

The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."

What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

One could actually finish a race.

Why do robots make bad boyfriends?

They just screw, nut, then bolt.

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

What do you call a one night stand with a construction worker?

Nut and bolt.

The big race

It was the day of the big race. Usain Bolt was going to run against a cheetah, the world's fastest animal, capable of reaching speeds of up to 70 mph!

People knew Usain didn't stand a chance, but watched anyway. At last, they were off, and in a matter of seconds the race was over - amazingly, Usain Bolt came out victorious!!!

Because...cheetah's never win.

I think my horse is a blacksmith.

I slapped him on the backside and he made a bolt for the door.

I was in shop class in high school and my teacher had a nail, a bolt, and a screw in his hand...

... He asked us if we knew the difference between them. A girl raised her hand and said, "Well, I've never been bolted."

What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?

He grounded him.

Who is faster?

Usain Bolt in the 100m finals or Ryan Lochte running through the airport to catch his flight out of Brazil?

A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

As electricians we are always amped for the day.

We bolt out of bed, shocked as always with how much we charge you.

My new puppy is an excellent blacksmith...

...every time I yell he makes a bolt for the door!

I don't understand all the excitement over Usain Bolt

I finish in under ten seconds all the time.

Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

What do you call Usain bolt when he's running from a lion?

Fast food

What did the fisherman say to the lightning bolt?

"Mr. Spark, I don't reel so good"

Why did the cannibal not eat Usain Bolt?

They're cutting back on fast food.

You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt...

Only a cheetah can.

How does one question the sanity of the fastest man alive?

U Sain Bolt?

Usain Bolt

Why can't usain bolt listen to music?
- Because he broke the record!

What did the therapist tell Usain Bolt?

You sane, Bolt

If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

What's brown and runny

Usain Bolt

My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is.

Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

MAN: Give it to me straight, Doc...am I dying?

DOC: *looking at medical chart* "Everyone's dying."

MAN: "Well yes, but what about me specifically?"

DOC: *Looks up* "You're, like, the Usain Bolt of dying."

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

What did the bolt say to the nut?

"Washer? I don't even know 'er!"

Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer

He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.

I have a dog named Locksmith

Every time I kick him he makes a bolt for the door.

I adopted a dog who used to belong to a blacksmith

I know he used to belong to a blacksmith because as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

What do Cannibals call Usain Bolt

Fast food

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

A bus breaks down and the driver pops the hood to investigate

A blonde passenger who is a certified mechanic comes out with her toolbox, eager to help and show off her training and also give blondes a good reputation for a change. She leans behind the bus driver and sees a loose bolt, so, helpful, she asks: "Fancy a screw driver?"

If you go to a mechanics shop to get laid but get caught

do you screw, nut, and bolt?

100 Metres Final

Gatlin beats Bolt in the 100 metres final. All that buildup for 9.92 seconds and disappointment.

Now I know how my girlfriend feels.

What do Usain Bolt and Hitler have in common?

They're both fast, but Hitler was Fascist.

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

One was the fastest and one was a fascist.

You wanna know why the call me the toolbox?

Because I screw, then I nut, and then I bolt.

I have a problem with running away from relationships after sex.

I just nut and bolt.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Who is the soulmate of Usain Bolt?

Usain Nut

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

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