bollocks Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bollocks puns

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"

The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

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A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what? says the 7 year old, I think it's about time we started swearing ....

The 5 year old nods his approval. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok? .
Ok the younger one agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
Oh, bollocks mum, I guess I'll have some fucking Coco Pops! .
She administers a sound thrashing and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
I don't know, he blubbers, but it won't be fucking Coco Pops .

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My Wife and the worst pain.

My Wife said to me yesterday, I think the worst pain in the world is child birth, I said no, the worst pain in the world is a kick in the bollocks, she said how do you work that out? I replied, well after a couple of years, you will say, can we have another Baby? I do not look up and say can I have another kick in the bollocks..

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A Frenchman, an Italian and and Englishman are sitting around a bar table....

The Frenchman says I made love to my wife last night, and it was so good that when she climaxed she rose six inches off the bed .

The Italian says that's nothing, when me and my girlfriend had sex last night, her convulsions sent her a full foot off the bed .

The Englishman says what a load of bollocks. I knobbed my mrs last night, shot my bolt after two pumps, stood up and wiped my cock off on the curtains and she hit the fucking roof!

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Women.

Women will always say, the most excruciating pain in Life is Child Birth, I think different, I say the most excruciating pain in life is a kick in the Bollocks, after a couple of Years A Woman will say, shall we have another Baby, do Men look up and say can I have another kick in the Bollocks??..

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Two Drunk Englishmen

...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog licking it's own bollocks.

The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"

The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"

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One more sexist remark

"One more sexist remark from you and I swear to God, I'll kick you straight in the bollocks !" my wife exclaimed

"Haha how the fuck are you planning on reaching my bollocks from the kitchen ?" I replied.

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I was walking down the street with my wife and she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

That's total bollocks I replied, by text, from across the road.

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There's a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job

There's a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job after he completed some work for us. Well that's a load of bollocks. The only person home that day was our cross dressing son.

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How good are Tesco's meatballs?

They're the dog's bollocks!

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What did one testicle say to the other testicle?

I don't know, they were talking a load of bollocks!

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Eve took the apple from the Tree of Knowledge, and said...

"Bollocks! It hasn't got a headphone jack!"

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Just heard that Tescos meatballs are the dogs bollocks

.

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What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?

One's got hydraulics, the other's got high bollocks.

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"My Friend has got a theory."

"She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his earlobes for hours on end."

"I think it's bollocks"

-Jimmy Carr

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BOLLOCKS

They come in pairs and half the planet has them.

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A study has just discovered that beer contains female hormones

They gave ten men eight beers each and after consuming them found that they were all talking bollocks and had lost the ability to drive

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What have a Giraffe and a JCB have in common?

One has high bollocks and ones got hydraulics.

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Korean meatballs.

Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks.

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Women say men get turned on when they nibble on their earlobes.

I think it's bollocks.

- Jimmy Carr

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How do you get a roomful of old women to shout "Bollocks!"?

Get one of them to shout "Bingo!"

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Porn: It's a load of bollocks.

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What dya call a Russian with three bollocks

Whodyanick abollockoff

(Who-dya-nick-a-bollock-off)

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What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Dirty bollocks

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What to you call a russian with 3 Bollocks?

Hudyaget Dat-Bollocov

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I make a living carving balls from oak.

People usually reply with: "bollocks" or "carve mine!"

I don't even know why I posted this.

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What are the most funny Bollocks jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bollocks? Well, here are the best Bollocks dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bollocks pick up lines to share with friends.

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