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Body Jokes

186 body jokes and hilarious body puns to laugh out loud. Read human body jokes about body that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Body jokes are growing more popular than ever - whether it's an alpha kenny body or a dead body, these jokes are sure to make you laugh. From human bodies to flat bodies, summer bodies and carcasses, we've got all the warmest bodily jokes you need!

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Funniest Body Short Jokes

Short body jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The body humour may include short bones jokes also.

  1. My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weigh 7lbs 12 oz
  2. If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm– –BODY ONCE TOLD ME…
  3. My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old. Until she checked the freezer.
  4. What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself? Your ear listening for foot steps.
  5. After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because... ...they dilate!
  6. You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody? That's common sense leaving your body.
  7. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite... ...I only look at the covered parts.
  8. When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
  9. After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin 12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth
  10. My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old. Until I showed it to her in the freezer.

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Body One Liners

Which body one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with body? I can suggest the ones about skin and cell.

  1. When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body Then I was born
  2. Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium Me: 0mg
  3. When you die what body part dies last? The pupils, they dilate
  4. is my wife ashamed of my body? a tiny part of me says yes.
  5. I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.
  6. I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel But it takes up too much space in my freezer
  7. How come ants don't get sick? ...because they have lil' anty-bodies
    *runs away*
  8. Bikinis reveal 95% of a woman's body. Men are so polite they only look at covered areas.
  9. Is my girlfriend disappointed in my body? A tiny part of me says 'yes'.
  10. I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born.
  11. What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ? Very savioury.
  12. My wife has a body of a 12 year old.. She keeps it in the fridge.
  13. My son is a man trapped in a woman's body he'll be born in February
  14. What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows
  15. Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies

Body Part Jokes

Here is a list of funny body part jokes and even better body part puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working? Your pupils; they dilate.
  • When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies..... Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
  • Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says Yes
  • A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"
    "Why?" says his wife, a little surprised
    "Because it's holding me back!"
  • What part of the body dies last? The pupils, they dilate
  • When wearing a bikini women show 90% of their body. Men are really polite to only look at the covered parts.
  • What's the worst part of my body? The spine, it really holds me back.
  • What is the last part of your body to die? Your eyes.....because they dilate.
  • Most Fascinating Part of the Body I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body but then i realized "pssssh, look what's telling me that"
  • What's a pirate's favorite school subject? Arrrrrrrrt.
    What's a pirate's favorite body part?
    The arrrrrm.
    What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
    No. The Navy you idiot.

Dead Body Jokes

Here is a list of funny dead body jokes and even better dead body puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare... ...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.
  • Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday! What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?
  • What's the safest place to hide a dead body? Page 2 of Google search.
  • What do you call a dead body and two planks? A "Build your own Jesus" kit.
  • You want to become a necrophiliac? Over my dead body
  • How many dead How many dead bodies does it take to change a lightbulb?.
    .
    .
    Well its not 6 cause my basement is still dark.
  • A treehouse is cruel... It's like killing someone and then making their friends hold the dead body.
  • Man, you gotta hand it to Elon Musk… He knows how to dispose of a dead body in style.
  • Where is the best place to hide a dead body? On the second page of a Google result.
  • The necrophiliac thought she was sleeping with a dead body But then he came to.
Body joke, The necrophiliac thought she was sleeping with a dead body

Human Body Jokes

Here is a list of funny human body jokes and even better human body puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body... I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.
  • Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end You'll go to prison for a very long time.
  • My teenage son recently started asking me awkward questions about the human body.... I should've probably hid it better...
  • Jokes about the human body are generally corny… Jokes about eyes though are even cornea.
  • How much do all the bone in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.
  • How do you dispose of a human body Wait this isn't Google
  • My son is at that age where he's curious about the human body. I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
  • A joke The human body has 206 bones and you still think your dog loves you for no reason?
  • There are over 60,000 miles of arteries, veins and capillaries in the human body. If you took all of yours and laid them end-to-end, You'd die.
  • The human body is made up of about 60% Water So I'm not fat, I'm just flooded.

Body Builder Jokes

Here is a list of funny body builder jokes and even better body builder puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym. After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.
    One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"
    The other said, "What for?"
  • What do you call a pregnant woman? A body builder
  • I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster... ... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.
  • What did the body builder say when he ran out of protein powder? "No whey"
  • Why are body builders so good at making cheese? Because they have huge calves
  • How do you starve a feminist? Lock her in a room with a jar of pickles and a male body builder.
  • Body builder to blind dude: with enough training, you can get ripped like me Blind dude: I feel you.
  • What did the body builder say when he was told protein shakes don't work? No whey!
  • What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the body builder in his pharmacy? These are not the 'roids you are looking for.
  • I tried to be a professional body builder once But i lost my whey

Alpha Kenny Body Jokes

Here is a list of funny alpha kenny body jokes and even better alpha kenny body puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Alpha Kenny body joke Say “Alpha Kenny body” ten times slowly !
Body joke, Alpha Kenny body joke

Howlingly Hilarious Body Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about body you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mind jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make body pranks.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."


I responded, "How about now?"

TIL that a school of piranhas can s**... all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...


On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely n**....

I'm not sure what scared him more. My n**... body or the fact I knew where he lived

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during m**...?

His ears.

When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Thankfully, it all changed when I was born.

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

My girlfriend has the body of a Greek Godess;

Imaginary

A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.

But she screamed when I brought her one.

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body

Then my mother gave birth

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had s**.... I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them

"Get in," I said to the p**....

"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a m**...."

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

o**... said, "18."
A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"
Another guy said, "12."
The French guy piped up again, "119!"
A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"
The French guy shouted, "120!"

A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

A king gets murdered in his sleep...

Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."

A man lies n**... on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully n**.... The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

Jesus holds up the bread...

Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."
Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."
After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny's body.

My friend called me today and said he was going to kill himself by jumping off of a cliff that overlooked a body of water unless I stopped specifying the names of geological formations for him.

I said back, "That's a bluff".

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!

I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a c**....'

I have qualities of both Albert Einstein and Arnold Schwarzenegger

Body of Einstein, brain of Schwarzenegger

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*

I got accepted into Harvard's medical program

I just have to die first and give them my body

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing c**... and coming back home to have unprotected s**... with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

As I looked at my n**... body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

I used to feel that I was a man trapped in a woman's body...

Then my mother gave birth.

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."
Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep l**... and glue in the same drawer ever again.

My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had s**......

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]
...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.
That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?
No I'm a blonde , she replies.
I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."

My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I have the body of 20 year old

Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed.

Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

It bothers me more than it should when people put the first line of the joke in the title

It bothers me more than it should when people put the first line of the joke in the title then repeat it in the body of the post.

My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...

Completely pale, no arms.

What do you call a body that's been buried in the wrong tomb?

A grave mistake.

I like my shovels like I like my women..

I like my shovels like I like my women.
Sturdy. Dependable. Can help me bury a body.

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

A girl asked her boyfriend "Which do you love more, my pretty face more or my s**... body?"

Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I s**.... What am I?

pear

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when e**...."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

I've always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

Body joke, I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

jokes about body