Body Jokes

What are some Body jokes?

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."



I responded, "How about now?"

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...


On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

is my wife ashamed of my body?

a tiny part of me says yes.

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old.

Until I showed it to her in the freezer.

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.

But she screamed when I brought her one.

I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel

But it takes up too much space in my freezer

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

*

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

Is my girlfriend disappointed in my body?

A tiny part of me says 'yes'.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

My wife has a body of a 12 year old..

She keeps it in the fridge.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

My son is a man trapped in a woman's body

he'll be born in February

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ?

Nobody knows

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed.

Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...

Completely pale, no arms.

A girl asked her boyfriend "Which do you love more, my pretty face more or my sexy body?"

Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 Β°C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Thankfully, it all changed when I was born.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.

After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.

Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

My friend called me today and said he was going to kill himself by jumping off of a cliff that overlooked a body of water unless I stopped specifying the names of geological formations for him.

I said back, "That's a bluff".

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body

Then my mother gave birth

How to make Body jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Body to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Body? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Body pick up lines to share with friends.

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