I responded, "How about now?"
On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
I'm not sure what freaked him out more β my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
His ears.
. . . except for his boots.
Where your clothes at, Slim?
Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, 'I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.'
So I followed her. She says, 'Take off all your clothes.' So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, 'You like what you see?' Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, 'Yes, ma'am, I do!'
Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, 'Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!'
So I pulled on my boots and here I am.
βBODY ONCE TOLD MEβ¦
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line upΒ and do the same.Β
When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger."Β
The class was horrified. Some of them threw up.Β
"The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here."Β
>!"And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."!<
Then I was born
Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."
Until she checked the freezer.
On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
Impossible! says the doctor. Show me .
The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, You're not really a brunette, are you?
Well, no she said, I'm actually a blonde.
I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken .
I said nah, babies with big tits freak me out.
It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.
Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.
It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.
I was a complete mess.
I was broke and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.
My penis ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
Your ear listening for foot steps.
That's common sense leaving your body.
They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."
...I only look at the covered parts.
a tiny part of me says yes.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, ain't Stanley .
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it ain't Stanley.
The mortician asked, How can you tell?
Gomer said, Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.
What! He had two ass-holes? asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.
When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.
"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"
Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.
"Do you see that neighbourhood there?"
"Yes"
"I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"
The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.
"Do you see the big tree over there?"
"Yes"
"Well fuck! I didn't!"
Until I showed it to her in the freezer.
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.
Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:
-- What, have you never seen a naked woman before?
-- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
The police are pretty upset about it.
Then I was born.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.
... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Your ears.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, My wife.
Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.
She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.
As she's getting ready to leave she comes up to me and asks for my number. I looked at the chair behind me... Surely she must've been mistaken.
I said, Who me?
She said Yes, of course you. I don't usually do this kind of thing but, you just sort of caught my eye.
But she screamed when I brought her one.
But it takes up too much space in my freezer
pear
A husband and his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.
The woman asks:
"What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 35 years ago?"
" I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."
"And what do you think of my body now?" Uttered the woman,as she undid her robe.
"I think I did a pretty good job!"
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.
Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!
A tiny part of me says 'yes'.
Your ears
...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
She keeps it in the fridge.
Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?
Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.
Police 1: Really?
Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk
Police 1: is that everything?
Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment
[Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car]
SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle
[ the man steps out and the police search the car]
SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.
Police 1: but he told me he committed those crimes...
Man: well I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes... "
he'll be born in February
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
Nobody knows
She said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
Impossible! says the doctor. Show me.
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor took off his glasses and said, You're not really a redhead, are you?
Well, no she said, I'm actually a blonde. I just dyed my hair last week.
I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken.
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."
Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.
Then I was born.
I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek
I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."
Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.
Completely pale, no arms.
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two a$$ holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.'
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was
Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"
I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.
After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."
" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "
" Second option, you pay $100,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel"
After much debating, the Americans decided to pay the larger fee and repatriate the body. Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose the bigger figure.
" Well, the last time you buried someone he came back after three days so we're not taking any chances !"
Nobody knows.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really?
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
You'll go to prison for a very long time.
Don't worry though, he's 0K.
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.
They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
Thankfully, it all changed when I was born.
you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.
What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?
The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.
That's common sense leaving your body.
And at the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
"You can fuck right off."
The war is over. It all depended on one mission.
After the 3 remaining survivors received their medals the president says: "I can not thank you enough. For your payment, you will choose any length from one body part to another and I will give you one thousand Dollars for every inches I measure."
The first soldier, the biggest of them said: "Sir, measure the distance between my toes and my forehead, sir!" The president says: "78 inch. That's 78,000 Dollars!" He receives his money and happily walks off.
The second says "Sir, I'll take the distance between one hand and the other.", as he spreads his arms.
The president measures it and says: "76 inches. That's 76,000 Dollars!"
The young soldier can't complain. He takes his money and walks off.
The president asks the third one. A tough old veteran who has killed many men in his life. Without showing any emotion he says: "From the tip of my dick to my balls."
The president is surprised, and a bit disgusted, but being a man of his word, he pulls down the old veteran's pants. "Where are your balls?"
"'Nam, sir."
No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!!
Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.
I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.
I waited over an hour to speak.
Heard all the stories.
Finally it was my turn.
"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.
Everyone nodded.
"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."
I said back, "That's a bluff".
..which is kind of creepy and takes up a lot of room in the fridge.
When she gets home, her husband asks her how it went.
She replies, "Great; he said I have the body of a twenty-year-old!
Her husband says, "What did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"
She replies, "Your name didn't really come up."
but it takes too much space in my freezer.
I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.
Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.
Then my mother gave birth
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Three Aussie guys, Gazza, Bazza and Wozza, were working on a high-rise building in Woolloomooloo. Unfortunately, Gazza falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bazza says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Wozza says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bazza says, 'Where did you get that, Wozza?'
'Gazza's wife gave it to me.'
Bazza continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Wozza said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Gazza's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Beer you are.'
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
Impossible! says the doctor. Show me.
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, You're not really a redhead, are you?
Well, no she said, I'm actually a blonde.
I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken.
After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.
One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"
The other said, "What for?"
A body builder
Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.
The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, he is really badly burned. It's hard to tell. Turn him over, would ya?" The mortician is confused, but obliges, and flips Ed onto his stomach. The friend shakes his head and says "Naw, that ain't Ed."
The next friend comes in, and says "Damn, he's pretty badly burned. I can't make out his face or anything. Turn him over." Again, the mortician is confused, but again obliges. The friend says "Nope, that's not Ed."
The mortician finally asks "Why did you guys both ask me to turn him over?" The friend replies "Well you see, Ed has two assholes." The mortician is astounded. "Really? Two assholes?? How do you know that?" The friend says "Well every time we'd walk into a room people would say 'Here comes Ed with those two assholes.'"
If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother
A: Ears
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.
That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?
No I'm a blonde , she replies.
I thought soβ¦. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.
But it takes up too much room in my freezer, any suggestions?
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.
Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.
And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.
Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her spine.
I trembled in shock, I felt her heart, slowly she spread her legs apart.
I knew she was ready... but I didn't know how, for this was my first experience at milking a cow.
Then I was born.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
But no one ever drowns
A grave mistake.
Then I was born.
I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...
I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
I replied, "That would be my wife"
They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:
"You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another"
The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he possibly could, and said
"Measure the distance from the fingertips on my left hand, to the fingertips on my right hand." they paid the general and went on to the next.
The second general stretched his arms as far above his head as possible and said
"Measure the distance from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes" he was paid, and left with even more money than the first general.
They got to the final general, who promptly said
"I want you to measure the distance from my left nut to my right nut"
The soldier with the measuring tape didn't understand what was happening but did as he was told. A few moments later the confused soldier said "Sir, i don't understand. I can only see your right nut"
The general said with a big smile on his face:
"I know, i lost my left nut in 'nam"
- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?
Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer
Imaginary
The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"
"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised
"Because it's holding me back!"
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
and the mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer." To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores information; God was clearly an electrical engineer." "I'm sorry guys, God was a civil engineer. " says the civil engineer. " No one else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through the entertainment district."
Element | Woman
Symbol | β
Discoverer | Adam
Atomic Mass Β | Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg
**Physical Properties:**
1. Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint
2. Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes with no apparent reason
3. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
**Chemical Properties:**
1. Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
3. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man
**Hazards**
1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
2. Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must not make contact.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. The doctor took a large piece from her buttocks.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, when he was alone with his wife, he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice and said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Saint Peter tells them "Before you may enter the gates of Heaven, if you have ever touched a mans penis, place that body part in this bowl of holy water so you may be cleansed." The first Nun steps up and places her hand in the water, then walks into Heaven. The third Nun jumps in front of the second Nun and asks "can I gargle the water before she sticks her butt in it?"
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I know where he lives.
Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is.
The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move"
The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer."
The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
...when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened."
So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off.
Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
His ears
Then my mother gave birth.
But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."
Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."
And after nine months I was born
when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs.
Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, "What should I do?"
Sister Elizabeth answers, "Show him your cross."
So Sister Mary leans out of the window and yells, "Get the fuck out of the road you pointy-toothed bastard, or I'll run your ass over!" Then she leans back into the vehicle and says, "I hope that was cross enough."
... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
But then I was born
The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed
for five full minutes at the end."
Β
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed
her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
Β
The Gay guy said, "Well, last week my boyfriend and I also had sex. I
rubbed his body all over with Crisco. We made love, and he screamed for
over six hours."
Β
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you
have possibly done to make your boyfriend scream for six hours?"
The Gay guy said, "I used the bedspread to wipe my hands."
Then I was born.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, ain't Stanley .
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it ain't Stanley.
The mortician asked, How can you tell?
Gomer said, Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.
What! He had two ass-holes? asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Body? Well, here are the best jokes about Body to have fun with.