Boat Jokes

What are some Boat jokes?

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."

I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

I started a boat business in the attic.

The sails are going through the roof

The moist finger

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.

And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."

Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head

It's capsized.

Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over?

That makes it cap sized

A man was out on a fishing trip

When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.

He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"

A man and his wife built a boat...

They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.

They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.

"We're really not very good at this," the man said in disgust. "How do boats even work?"

"I don't know, but we'll figure it out," replied his wife. "We need an *ELI5*."

I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise...

... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.

3 men were on a boat..

And all they had were 4 cigarettes.

Unsure on what to do, one of them throws a cigarette overboard.

Now the boat was a cigarette lighter.

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.

Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.

The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."

St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."

2 men are on a boat sharing a pack of cigarettes when they realise they have no lighter

How do they light up?

They toss a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

There are three men in a boat in the middle of the ocean with four cigarettes, no lighter or any matches. What do they do?

They throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be on the boat. :D

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes.....

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

A husband calls a men's help line.

Host: "Hello caller, how can I help you."

Hus: "I think my wife is cheating on me, so last night I hid behind my boat and waited for her to come home. Soon a strange car pulled up. As she got out of the passenger side she was buttoning her blouse."

Host: "I see... so what's your question?"

Hus: "When I was behind the boat, I noticed a crack in the outboard bracket...can that be welded?"

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Stolen from BuzzFeed, but I thought it was hilarious.*

If you have sex on a boat...

...is that off-shore drilling?

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

3 men were in a boat with 4 cigarettes,but there was no way to light them.What did they do?

Threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.

There are three guys on a boat

There are three guys on a boat and four cigarettes, and there are no lighters or matches or anything to light them with, so what do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing. It just waved.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

You know you can fit any boat on your head

Just flip it upside down. That makes it capsized

Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water?

Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.

An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".

The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Boat for sale

Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."

It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice...

My gondolences.

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea

A red boat and a blue boat crash into each other in the ocean...

All the passengers were marooned.

If you turn a boat over you can wear it as a hat

It's capsized

How do boats reproduce if they are all girls?

They are covered in seamen.

What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship

My favorite joke when I was a kid..

There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.

The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"


The Italian throws out pasta.


The Chinese throws out rice.


The Mexican throws out oranges.


The American throws out the mexican.

There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke?

They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter

The German Lifeguard

A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.

They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"


The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

A Woman Who Reads

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.

Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

Four old guys go golfing...

And they start bragging about their sons.

The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"

The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"

The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"

The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".

A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...

He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives?

America.

Ole and Sven

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"why sure," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "where ya from?"

"Norway," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are ya from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to old Bergen."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, where did you live?"

"On a boat, at the fishin' docks," replies the second man.

"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishin' docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."

10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.

1: You got a lighter?

2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*

1: Woah, where'd you get that!?

2: I have a personal genie.

1: Cool! Can I make a wish?

2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*

1: I wish for a million bucks!

*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*

1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.

2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

Give a man a fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Fish 24:7

A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor

A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"

God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I've ever seen."

Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

What kind of boat do vampires like?

Blood vessels

3 men are each talking proudly of their sons....

The first man says

"My son is a successful athlete! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a house!"

The second man says

"My son is a successful lawyer! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a boat!

The third man says

"My son is a successful doctor! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a car!

A fourth man hears their conversation and joins in, mentioning that his son is a male prostitute. The three men say

"You must be so ashamed of him! He must barely make a living at all!"

To which the fourth man replies

"He does okay, his boyfriends just bought him a house, a car and a boat!"

Why God?

One day it began to rain very hard. It rained for hours. There was a man standing outside his house in the rain praying.

When the rain was up to his knees a canoe came by. The people in the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."

When the rain was up to his waist a small boat came by. The people in the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."

When the water was up to his neck a larger boat came by. The people on the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."

Eventually the water went over his head and he drowned. When he got to heaven he asked God why God didn't save him. God then responded "What are you talking about, I sent a canoe, a small boat, and a large boat to save you."

what do you call 4 mexicans in a sinking boat?

quatro cinqo

^im sorry

An American asked the Newfy scubadiver,

"Why do you jump into the water backwards?"

To which the Newfy replied, "If we jumped forwards, we'd still be in the boat."

There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea.

One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.

They collide...

All the survivors were marooned.

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?

Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".

What do you call 4 Mexicans in a boat with a terrible leak?

Cuatro sinko

This guy walks in a Toy R Us to buy a Barbie for his daughter's birthday.

First Barbie he sees: Barbie with ski set: 29.99

Second Barbie that caught his attention: Barbie on a motorcycle: 34:99

Third Barbie he sees: Divorced Barbie: 249.99

So he go and asks an employee why is the Divorced Barbie so expencive.

The employee replies: That's because this set comes with Ken's car, Ken's motorcycle, Ken's boat and Ken's house.

The power of prayer

A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"

The priest on boards says he can pray.

Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Please help me!

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!

Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the LochNess monster either!

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

Three blondes stuck on an island

There are three blondes stuck on an island. The blondes a find a magic lamp. Out of the lamp pops a genie who agrees to grant each of the blondes a wish.
The first blonde requests to be smarter so she can find a way off of the island. The genie grants the wish and the first blonde becomes a red head and swims off of the island.
The second blonde wishes to be smarter then the previous blonde so the genie grants the wish. The second blonde is now a brunette and makes a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde not wanting to be out done requests to be even smarter. The genie grants the wish of the final blonde and turns her into a man who procedes to walk across the bridge off of the island.

*I know it is sexist it is an old joke don't flood my inbox

Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obviously the best swimmer, 2 hours to swim across. The brunette followed her finishing with a time of 3.5 hours. After 5 hours the blonde has not made it across. Just as the redhead and the brunette are about the get on a boat and begin searching for the blonde, she crawls onto the shore.
Both the redhead and the brunette rush to her aid and try to help her up. She shoves them away and yells, 'Get off me you cheaters! I saw you using your arms!'

So two whales are swimming along...

... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!"

The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water.

"Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!"

The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

A joke I've known since primary school.


A huge flood occured one day, and an entire town is swallowed up by the water.


A man driving a boat comes by a man that's trying to stay afloat.


**"Quick, get on my boat!",** he said.


The semi-drowning man replies that God will send him help and save him. And so the man left.


Another man comes by a boat and yell's at the man, "**Hey!** ^~~Listen!~~ **Get on my boat!"**


Once again, the man replies that God will send him help and save him.



And so the man left, and with that, the man drowns.



Upon death, the man wakes up in Heaven to see God.


He asks, **"God, why didn't you send me help?"**


God replies, **"What do you mean? I sent you two boats!"**

God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

How to make Boat jokes?

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