boat Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious boat stories

What are the best Boat puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Boat? Well here is a complete list of Boat to have fun with:

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

America.

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Four old guys go golfing...

And they start bragging about their sons.

The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"

The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"

The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"

The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."

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Three blondes

Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "dear God, make me twice as smart as I am so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "dear God please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a Red Head and she builds a boat and sails across. The third blonde says "dear God, make me twice as smart as you made the last girl so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.




*edit* People, it's just a joke! So much hate, I've told other jokes as well. Here's an anti-man joke? Why are women bad with judging distance? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches is their entire lives.

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The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

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why do scuba divers go in the water backwards?

because if they go forward they would fall inside the boat.

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Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean...

When they come across a whaling vessel. One whale looks to the other and says "we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!" The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water. The first whale then says "we should eat these sailors so they don't ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!" The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies "Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you're going to get me to eat the seamen!"

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3 men were on a boat..

And all they had were 4 cigarettes.

Unsure on what to do, one of them throws a cigarette overboard.

Now the boat was a cigarette lighter.

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A blonde is driving down the road.

She looks out her window and sees another blonde rowing a boat in a wheat field. She stops and yells to her, "Why are you rowing a boat in a field?"

The second blonde replies, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The first blonde says, "It's dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, and if I could swim I'd kick your ass!"

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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be on the boat. :D

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Why do Scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat

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Why do scuba-divers go in backwards?

Because if they went forward they'd fall in the boat.

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Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

'cause if they fell forward, they'd still be in the Fuckin' boat!


I'll show myself out.

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Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW

They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."

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Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Stolen from BuzzFeed, but I thought it was hilarious.*

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Whales

So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."

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Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?

Because is they fell forward they'd land in the boat.

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What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing. It just waved.

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A man and his son on a hill top, look out over the village

A man and his son on a hill top, look out over the village.

"You see our village son? I built about half the houses in that village. But do they call me John the home builder? No"

"You see our village's dock? I built about half those boats. But do they call me John the boat builder? No, no they don't"

"But you fuck 1 goat..."

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7 mildly offensive jokes

**What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? **

A speech impediment.

**What's the Cuban National Anthem? **

Row row row your boat.

**What's the fastest way to a man's heart? **

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

**Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? **

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

**Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? **

Because those men already have boyfriends.

**What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? **

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

**What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? **

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

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Boat for sale

Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."

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A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

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A red boat and a blue boat crash into each other in the ocean...

All the passengers were marooned.

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Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats?

If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

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My favorite joke when I was a kid..

There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.

The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"


The Italian throws out pasta.


The Chinese throws out rice.


The Mexican throws out oranges.


The American throws out the mexican.

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There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke?

They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter

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The German Lifeguard

A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.

They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"


The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

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Never argue with a woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that quite obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I am reading!'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

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Two Irish guys are fishing...

The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle.

As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

"Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"

The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

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Give a man a fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Fish 24:7

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.
Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!
*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*
Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what would be even better? If we ate the crew members!
Whale 2: Whoa whoa whoa! I'm all good for a blowjob but I will not eat the seamen!

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Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

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I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I've ever seen."

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So there is a a Russian, American, Cuban and a Mexican in a boat.

They are all hanging out relaxing, when suddenly the Cuban takes out a cuban cigar. He takes 2 puffs of it and throws it overboard.

"What are you doing? thats a really nice cuban cigar!" he was asked.
"Oh its no big deal, where I'm from they are a dime a dozen."
Thats pretty bad ass everyone thought and they continued to relax.

Soon the Russian pulled out a bottle of some very nice russian vodka, pored himself 2 shots and threw it overboard.
"Whats the deal, that was very nice russian vodka!" he was asked
"Oh what that? Thats nothing, where i'm from vodka flows like water, its really not a problem."
Everyone thought this was pretty bad ass.

Soon they are relaxing again and the American thinks:
"Hmm what can i do to impress everybody?"
So he grabs the Mexican and throws him overboard.

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what do you call 4 mexicans in a sinking boat?

quatro cinqo

^im sorry

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An American asked the Newfy scubadiver,

"Why do you jump into the water backwards?"

To which the Newfy replied, "If we jumped forwards, we'd still be in the boat."

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Dad joke? Dad joke.

My father, who is still pretty spry at the age of 73, has been single for about 20 years.
On a recent trip to the doctors office he requested a half-dose prescription of Viagra.
The doctor asked him, "Why only a half-dose, Jack? I wasn't aware you were seeing anyone."
He replied, "Oh, it's nothing like that, Doc. I only need to get it up far enough to pee out of the boat when I'm fishing."

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Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?

Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".

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There's a Doctor, a lawyer, and a priest on a sinking cruise ship

The doctor says,"We have to find all the children and get them off this boat safely, after all... Children are our future." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the children," to which the priest says, "Do we have time??"

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Three blondes stuck on an island

There are three blondes stuck on an island. The blondes a find a magic lamp. Out of the lamp pops a genie who agrees to grant each of the blondes a wish.
The first blonde requests to be smarter so she can find a way off of the island. The genie grants the wish and the first blonde becomes a red head and swims off of the island.
The second blonde wishes to be smarter then the previous blonde so the genie grants the wish. The second blonde is now a brunette and makes a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde not wanting to be out done requests to be even smarter. The genie grants the wish of the final blonde and turns her into a man who procedes to walk across the bridge off of the island.

*I know it is sexist it is an old joke don't flood my inbox

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Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obviously the best swimmer, 2 hours to swim across. The brunette followed her finishing with a time of 3.5 hours. After 5 hours the blonde has not made it across. Just as the redhead and the brunette are about the get on a boat and begin searching for the blonde, she crawls onto the shore.
Both the redhead and the brunette rush to her aid and try to help her up. She shoves them away and yells, 'Get off me you cheaters! I saw you using your arms!'

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A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...

Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"

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I was on vacation in Tahiti and decide to go for a one day boat trip

The skipper was sailing along islands when I saw on a really tiny one a man with a long beard, torn-down clothes and no shoes waving at us, screaming. He was very, very far and I didn't understand a word he was saying. I asked the skipper:
- Who is this guy?
- Dunno, he have been there for six months, waves at me every day.

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A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.

As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"

The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

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Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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A man falls over board a ship...

As this man is floating in the ocean, a boat comes and asks him if he wants to be saved, but he says "No, I am a devout Christian, God will save me." The guys on the boat are a bit confused, but they leave.

Another boat comes along and asks the man if he wants to be saved, but again he says to them. "No I am a devout Christian, God will save me." So the boat goes on its way.

The man drowns and goes to heaven, were he asks God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replies, "I sent you two bloody boats you imbecile!"

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What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat..."

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Which of these two jokes with roughly the same theme is better?

A. A Christian is drowning in the sea. A boat comes up the crew tries to save them, but he says "no, God will save me!" Later another boat comes up and tries to save him again, but he insists that God will save him. Later a third boat comes along. The Christian is wheezing, gasping, almost exhausted, but manages to wheeze out "no, God will save me!" Then he drowns. In Heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says "I sent you three boats!"

B. An atheist is drowning in the sea. Getting desperate, he says to himself "Okay, God, I know I've never believed in you before, but if you save me, I'll not only become a believer, I'll become the best believer. I'll go to church, do my best to never sin. Please save me." Then a boat suddenly appears out of nowhere with a crew getting their life saving equipment ready. The atheist says "Never mind, God: I got this!"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best boat jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty boat gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these boat jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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