Boastful Jokes

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one,
“that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”
“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”

A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.
"It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.
Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.
"Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.
"All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

Come here

An Albanian guy goes for the summer to Italy. When he finally returns he won't stop bragging about all the things he did, all the places he saw, and all the things he learned.
His friend is getting annoyed with all his boasting and asks him, "How do you say 'come here' in Italian?"
"vieni qui."
"How about 'go there'?"
At this point the show-off pauses for a few seconds trying to remember.
He finally says, "I go over there and tell you 'vieni qui'."

Why does America have so many boasting Republicans?

Because it needs some bragging rights.

The Three Professors

Three professors are arguing over who is the best at teaching.
The first professor boasts, "I teach so well, my students never ask any questions. This proves they understand me immediately!"
The second professor responds, "Nonsense! I teach so well, my students never ask questions OR take notes. It's clear they remember the lesson instantly!"
The third professor grins and says, "You're both amateurs. I teach so well, my students don't even have to show up to class!"

One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream

Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!
I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.
I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.

Chess enthusiasts meet in their hotel after a tournament...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Why did the man from Bilbao boast when he won the marathon?

He wanted to Basque in his glory

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the m**.... "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...

As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

Where others used to bloat f**... features or apply some filters to make someone look ugly.

I could proudly boast #NoFilter

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

Why were a group of successful chess players asked to leave the hotel lobby?

Because no one likes chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What do you call a bunch of Christmas nuts bragging about their s**... lives in a hotel lobby?

Chestnuts boasting in an open foyer.

My mother walked into my room earlier, she started boasting about her new moisturiser...

She exclaimed, "Look I have the skin of an 18 year old".
"Well give it back", I said, "You're wrinkling it".

A fellow was boasting that he was born an Englishman and would die an Englishman.

A passing Scot overheard and stopped to ask,
"Dear God, man, have ye no ambition?!"

A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!"

And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven."

An American and a Chinese were arguing about which government was better

The American boasts, "clearly the American government is better. You can go to the white house with a megaphone and yell 'Trump s**...!' and you wouldn't even be arrested."
The Chinese replied, "what of it? You can go to Tiananmen square and yell 'Trump s**...!' and you still wouldn't be arrested."

Reincarnation

A virus boasted to the crowd. "In a past life I was a fly!"
A heckler shouted, "and now you're a flu!"

I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...

All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

What does the North Korean missile crisis and my labido have in common?

It boast and blast off proudly. And collapses quickly

Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

Did you hear the one about the driver who boasted about his 0-100 time?

He was all torque.

Most countries can boast that their intelligence agencies installed spies in foreign countries.

The Russians can boast that they installed a president.

Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.
Are there two companies named Comcast?

An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"
The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

A boy brought his new book to show his friend....

He boasts to his friend: "The author must have been very thorough when he wrote this book, he took 10 years to write it!"
"That's nothing", the friend replies, "have you heard of the man who was sent to prison and took 20 years to finish a sentence?"

My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.
The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."
The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."
The American says, "Well we get around 2000 calories a day for field ration."
The Russian blurts out, "That is b**..., you can't possibly carry that much cabbage!"

A bunch of chess players are in a hotel lobby discussing their recent victories.

The manager comes up to them and says, Sorry gentlemen, I'm going to have to ask you all to leave immediately!
Leave? Why? They asked.
The manager responded If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

I hate it when people boast about not reading books and being poor at spelling

Ignorince isn't a virtue

There was a meeting for evil clowns to boast about their evil

First, pennywise stepped up and said,"I've killed millions of children!"
Then the joker stepped up and said," I've killed millions of adults without any super powers!"
Then the last of the group, Ronald Mcdonald, stepped up with a smile.
" I've killed millions of all ages without any super powers AND they paid me for it!!"

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Whenever I win a competition people call me boastful and arrogant. But how can I be Low Key...

When I'm not the son of Odin.

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel..

lobby for discussing their winning games.
The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A student places dead last in an important physics test.

He doesn't feel too phased and boasts to his classmates that he can still pass. His teacher later pulls him aside and tells him that he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Sunday, March 4, 2017:

World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, boasting in an open foyer.

My cousin told me that she was pregnant, and i was the father.

I responded unusual boast, but acceptable

Non English speaking mom boasts about my profession to her friends "My son is a Racist!!!"

MOM! ITS RACER!

So the other day in the lobby I hear two chess masters bragging about their past wins

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

I was talking to my buddy in the pub.

'I went to see a movie with my *new girlfriend* last night,' I boasted.
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'Oh nice,' he said, impressed, 'where did you two meet?'
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'Outside the cinema, of course,' I replied.

Three women are drinking at a bar.

As the night goes on, they begin talking about how loose their vaginas are.
The first woman boasts that her lover can fit his entire fist in.
The second woman says "That's nothing, my husband was able to fit both of his fists in!"
The third woman laughs, finishes her drink, and slides down the barstool.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful!"
Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"
Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that!"
Autumn ~ *-leaves-*

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
'But why?' they asked, as they moved off.
Because, he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar

The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.
"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."
Hearing this the Russian smirked
"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
‟It is simple billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age
‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you're? A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
‟85 years old

Dave knows everyone joke

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories

After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

My grandpa likes to boast that his b**... functions are like clockwork

Now he wasn't always like this so he's been taking extra pride in it:
"everyday I go to sleep at 21 o'clock.then at 5:30 a.m. I take a p**....At 5:45 I have a s**...,and at 6 a.m. sharp I wake up."

A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...

The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."
The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"
The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is so superior, we put 50 devil dogs in the jungle, and only 10 were found!"
Finally, a clearly distraught sailor on his 6th shot of whiskey says, "Our camouflage was so terrible, we pushed 50 sailors into the ocean, and only 5 were found."

An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their s**... prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.
"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

Two professors were at an award ceremony.

An interviewer approached them.
"Sorry to ask but everyone has been wondering, which one of you is cleverer?"
The first professor smiled modestly.
"I don't want to boast. But i also don't want to be dishonest...."
The second professor interrupted
"And yet you've managed to do both!"

Sir Bobby Charlton was having an interview.

"I won many awards and honours playing football for my club!" He boasted.
"United?" Asked the interviewer.
"Indeed I am!" Sir Bobby proudly replied.

My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand...

Proud of her savings, she boasted We're are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.
I replied, Good, wash it again!

I heard that the new Mortal Kombat boasted Scandinavian music...

More specifically they plan to add a Finnish Hymn.

The bull and the lion

So a bull is walking through the jungle one day, bragging about his enormous size and impressive horns. He even boasted that he was afraid of nothing in the jungle. Well, a lion heard this boasting and laughed as he proceeded to kill the bull and eat him. After getting his belly full, he roared with delight that he was the king of the jungle!!!! A nearby hunter heard the roaring and shot the lion.
Moral of the story? Sometimes when you are full of bull it's better to keep your mouth shut

Some people have accused me of being an alcoholic...

I tell them that's absolutely not true! I'm a deadbeat drunk. Alcoholics go to those s**... meetings just to boast about how proud they are of being quitters!

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"
They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

Two chess player were in an open lobby, bragging to each other about their recent victories.

The manager comes over and says, "Could you both go to your rooms now?"
They ask, "Why?"
The manager replies, "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A ship was sinking...

The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".

My energy supplier proudly boasts that they use 100% renewables. They sent my renewal quote.

Can anybody tell me what day it was, when wind doubled in price?