Bmw Jokes
114 bmw jokes and hilarious bmw puns to laugh out loud. Read vehicle jokes about bmw that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
It's a known fact that humor comes in all shapes and sizes, even in the form of BMW jokes. We all know and appreciate the relentless debates of Mercedes vs BMW or Audi vs BMW, but have you ever considered the subtle humor behind them?
Let us delve into some light-hearted humor, bringing a new perspective to these luxury car rivalries. This article renders a cue to those amusing moments when a bad BMW joke or an unexpected jab at Mercedes BMW conversations can bring a hearty laugh around the table, establishing camaraderie between car enthusiasts.
So whether you're a seasoned BMW lover or a casual car fanatic, this collection of funny BMW centric jokes is just perfect to lighten up any discussion. Geared towards everyone, these jokes carry the essence of harmless fun, playing on beloved stereotypes for a good laugh while sustaining positive sentiments towards the revered brand that is BMW.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Bmw Short Jokes
Short bmw jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bmw humour may include short luxury jokes also.
- If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
- If light travels faster than the speed of sound... how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
- There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored? The turn signals.
- I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster. But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.
- What do you do if you see a BMW using a turn signal? Call the police, it's obviously stolen.
- I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice. Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
- Beware of BMW owners during the zombie apocalypse. They'll never tell you when they're turning.
- What can you always assume when buying a used BMW? The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.
- A photon was traveling along a highway at the speed of light. The BMW driver on its tail was furious that they couldn't pass it.
- I think I can read minds because I always know a BMW is changing lanes before they use their blinker
Share These Bmw Jokes With Friends
Bmw One Liners
Which bmw one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bmw? I can suggest the ones about expensive and performance.
- My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving.
- When a BMW owner learns to drive... What kind of car do they switch to?
- If you ever feel worthless, just remember It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's
- What type of car did Yoda eat? A BMW i8
- What never needs maintenance on a BMW? The turn signal lightbulb
- I use BMW to go to work Bus
Metro
Walk - Whats the worlds most useless job? installing BMW turn signals.
- I saw a BMW driver using their turning signal! But then I woke up from my dream.
- Why do blondes like BMW's over Chevrolet's? They can spell BMW.
- If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling ...I could buy a BMW.
- What does BMW stand for? Break my wallet
- What do you call a crocodile driving a BMW? A tailgator.
- For Sale: 5yr old BMW Turn signals like new!
- What do you get when BMW, Volkswagen, and Callaway design a car together? A Mini Golf.
- Why did the audi driver wave when he was let in? Because he wasn't driving a BMW.
Bmw Drivers Jokes
Here is a list of funny bmw drivers jokes and even better bmw drivers puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard... The drivers.
- Ya know what's rarer than bigfoot? A BMW driver that uses their turn signal
- I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today. That was the joke.
- Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible. That way you can get even closer to the car in front.
- I saw a BMW driver use his turn signal today... Too bad it was the wrong one.
- Why did the BMW driver go blind? Because he didn't use his blinkers.
Bmw Indicator Jokes
Here is a list of funny bmw indicator jokes and even better bmw indicator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a kid my dad left without any indication All I remember of him was that he drove a BMW
Mercedes Bmw Jokes
Here is a list of funny mercedes bmw jokes and even better mercedes bmw puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle... Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.
- BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear... ...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.
- Guys, I need dating advice... Should I buy a BMW or a Mercedes?
Laughable Bmw Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about bmw you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean automobile jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bmw pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.
A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"
A lawyer was in his BMW...
...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.
Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.
Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.
Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You think YOU have a meaningless job?
Think about the guy who makes turn signals at the BMW factory.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Horse and the Chicken
One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.
"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"
The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.
"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"
The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my w**...!"
"What?!?"
"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."
Excuse for speeding
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.
The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three automobile managers at the u**...
The first goes to the sink and dries his hands with so many paper towels that not even the smallest droplet remains. "At Opel, we learn to be extremely thorough," he says.
The second uses only one towel for this and remarks: "At BMW, we also learn to be extremely efficient."
The third walks past the sink and says, "At Daimler, we don't p**... all over our hands!"
There's a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light
It's the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.
What do you call a blonde in a BMW?
Optional. (My manager from croatia told me this during a shift)
If you ever feel useless...
Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.
What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
An Irishman is going door to door in a suburban neighbourhood looking for work
He knocks on a ladies door and she asks him if he will paint her porch. Two hours later he knocks on her door and tells her that he's finished the job. She says "it doesn't look like you painted it" he replies " oh I painted the whole thing but I got to tell you lady it's not a porch it's a BMW"
GTA
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him.
"Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!"
"OH NO! Did you try to stop him?"
"No, but dont worry. I got the license plate number!"
If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...
remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you ever feel useless
Remember the guys who work at BMW to install the turn signals
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many BMW drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter, they won't use their blinker anyways.
The sharp eye-witness
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!
Dear God! Did your try to stop him?
No, said the clerk, but don't worry. I got the license plate number!
Modern cars are always bloated with unnecessary add ons
I mean, who needs turn signals on a BMW.
When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.
... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.
My Car Won't Drive At Night
The service department of a BMW dealership took a call. The customer stated that his car, a 380i, will not drive at night.
The advisor, flummoxed at this, asks for more detail.
"You see," the owner replies, "when it is daytime, I put the car in 'D' and it drives like a dream."
"But when I put it in 'N' for Nighttime....'"
So, there was this rich dude...
One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself I love my BMW, I love BMW. He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out my BMW, oh my BMW. Just then a good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The rich dude, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My brother told me this yesterday: "I take a BMW back from school everyday"
"Huh?"
"Well, first I take the **bus** , then I take the **MRT** and finally I walk"
^(Not sure if y'all find this funny just wanted to share :>)
Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.
In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.
In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.
And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.
[OC] What's the difference between a BMW and a horse?
Blinkers actually serve a purpose on a horse.
Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.
But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:
'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '
'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'
That's three agains two now.
You're right... Go home grandpa, we'll handle this without you.
Nice car
When a man saw new cool BMW car of his boss he was amazed:
- Wow! Nice car, - said worker to his boss.
- Well, - said boss, - keep working and next year I will have another, better car)))
PS sorry for mistakes, I'm not English.
How many Bitcoins for that BMW?
Joe: How many Bitcoins for that BMW?
Bob: 2 BTC.
Joe: That much? That is kinda expensive.
Bob: Well its a big company.
What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage?
The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...'s Party
I went to this swingers party and tossed my keys into a bowl.
I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big titted s**... blonde picked them out.
Never saw my BMW again.
A young man was looking for work...
He comes across an old lady's house and asks if she has any work for him.
The lady says, "Actually I do need someone to paint the porch."
After some time the boy returns and says, "I've finished painting, but you should know it's a BMW not a Porsche."
John is painting his house when a homeless fellow comes along...
and offers some help. John agrees and tells the man to go around the back and paint the porch. After a couple hours, the homeless man finishes up. "Done already?" John asks. "Yeah," the homeless man replies, "but that's a BMW, not a porch."
The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"
The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sure, the BMW symbol kind of looks like a sphincter, but
I could already tell by the way you were driving.
What kind of car did Cory Matthews Drive?
A BMW
A cannibal transformer who talked like yoda was asked what he had for lunch.
He replied "A BMW i8"
Elephants and cars
How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?
4 elephants, 2 in the front and 2 in the back.
How can you fit 8 elephants in a BMW?
You sell the BMW and buy 2 Volkswagen.
How do you signal when changing lanes?
I drive a BMW
I went to test drive a BMW
The sales person said I didn't tailgate enough to own one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man in a BMW pulls up next to a kid in the street...
and says, "Excuse me, lad. If I give you 5 bucks will you come in my car?"
Kid says, "Give me 10 and I'll come in your mouth!"
Not making it up: I actually saw a turn signal used on a BMW.
I'm guessing it was borrowed.
What is the tastiest car ever?
The BMW I8.
I bought a used BMW from a cannibal yesterday.
It cost me an arm and a leg.
I would never buy a BMW, they're too cheaply made.
I mean, they don't even come with turn signals.
Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.
Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.
Why did the car enthusiast have trouble getting a BMW tattoo on his belly?
Because he had an Audi
ELI5: Why doesn't BMW install turn signals on their cars?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a BMW with four black people inside?
A pretty nice car.
I hope you enjoyed my anti joke.
What's the difference between a sliced up body and a new BMW?
... I don't have a new BMW in my garage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.
He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don't know! I was driving and it just died. I'm really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seems to be working just fine now.
Man: that's great! So what's the story?
Mechanic: Just c**... in the carburettor...
Man: Okay! How often do I have to do that??
