bmw Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious bmw puns

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

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If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

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A Horse And A Chicken...

...Were playing in a meadow.

The horse fell into a mud hole and is started to sink. The horse instructed the chicken to get the farmer so that he could be pulled to safety. The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer was nowhere to be found....

Without a moment to spare,the chicken got into the farmer's BMW and drove back to the mud hole. Then, the chicken tied some rope around the bumper, threw the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and proceeded to pull the horse to safety.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time around, the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken instructed the horse to get the farmer so that she could be pulled to safety.

Replied the horse, "Here's the plan... I'll stand over the hole..." The horse stretched over the length of the hole and continued, "Now, just grab for my penis and pull yourself to safety."

The chicken obliged reluctantly and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

BMWs have the pricks on the inside!

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What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away.

The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost.

The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call me materialistic."

The cop replies, "Well, you've been so concerned about your car that you didn't notice that your arm is missing."

The lawyer screams, "FUCK! My Rolex!"

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A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice your left arm has been ripped off".

Upon heaering this the lawyers eyes shoot wide open as he jolts his head towards the left shoulder, only to find that his arm was indeed completely missing.

"Oh my god!", replied the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex!"

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What's the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

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What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

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My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I
couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.


"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

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Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn't enjoy the trip, I know she'll like the necklace.

The second man, a doctor, says I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she's had her eye on. If she doesn't drive the car much, I know she'll love that handbag.

The third man, a trucker, tells the others I got my wife a Metallica t-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go fuck herself.

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Man speeding a BMW..

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100. Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, it's Friday the 13th, and I don't want to do any paperwork. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside

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A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.

Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.

Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.

Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?

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Tiger's balls

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

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I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

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A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...

The rich guy, making small talk, goes

"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"

The poor guy goes:

"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."

(Thanks Dad.)

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The Horse and the Chicken

One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.

"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"

The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.

"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"

The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my weiner!"

"What?!?"

"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."

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You think YOU have a meaningless job?

Think about the guy who makes turn signals at the BMW factory.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.

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Three men are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas...

the first man says, "i got my wife a purse and a macbook." "Why the macbook?" the other man asks. "Well thats easy, so if she doesnt like the purse she can return it online and get a new one". The other guy says, "oh i did the same thing I got my wife a ring and a bmw so if she didnt like the ring she could drive to the store and return it'. the third guy says, "great minds think alike-i got my wife slippers and a dildo". "a dildo?", the other men ask. "Yeah sure, so if she doesnt like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

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What type of car did Yoda eat?

A BMW i8

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Good news and Bad news

wife: i have a good news and a bad new.
Husband: i am very busy.Just give me good news.
wife: The airbags worked properly in our new BMW.

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What's the Difference between a cactus, and a BMW?

A cactus has the prick on the outside.

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A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.

The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost? I'm a lawyer! I'll sue you so bad your grandchildren will feel it!"

The cab driver sighs and says, "You lawyers are all the same, only care about material things. Your door got ripped off, yet you didn't realize you also lost your arm."

The lawyer looks down to see his left arm missing, looks back and the cabbie and yells, "My Rolex!"

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and old man with old car crashed into a brand new BMW in russia

4 big guy jump out of the BMW and say to the old man:
- That's it grandpa. You're fucked. We are going to beat you up
The old man responds:
- Well that's unfair. You are four big guis and i'm only old man.
The head of the group responds:
- Okay, grandpa, you have a point. Sasha, Ivan go help grandapa fight.
- Well that's not fair now. We are three, you are two - says old man.
- Okay grandpa go away, we will fight this out without you.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold plated butt plug, but some engineers at BMW beat me to it.

I guess they are already making overpriced toys for assholes.

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BMW

What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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What's the deference between and porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has its pricks on the outside

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Excuse for speeding

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.

The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

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BMW Shopping

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

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What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW

A cactus has pricks on the outside

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine has it's pricks on the outside!

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My all time favorite lawyer joke.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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If light travels faster than sound...

Then how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honking before the light turned green?

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

Porcupines have their pricks on the outside

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If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, just remember...

There is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

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What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between a bmw and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has pricks on the outside.

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Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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Mother in law 's test

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Sons- in- law for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her. Next morning he also finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note : from your Father In Law!

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

In a BMW, the prick is on the inside.

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The horse and the chicken

Horse and chicken are best buds, the love frolicking in the farm. One rainy day they get too close to the pond and the horse falls in, getting himself stuck he exclaims, "chicken, save me! I can't swim!"

Always the quick thinker, chicken runs up to the farmers house, grabs the keys to the BMW, backs it up to the pond, then ties a rope around the BMW tow hooks, then ties a rope around the horse, then drives forward thus pulling him to safety.

The horse is saved!!

A few weeks go by and, again, playing by the pond, the chicken gets stuck in the water. "Help! Horse! Remember how I saved you!? Help, I can't swim!"

The horse responds. "well I can't drive stick. So here, I've an idea, I'll stand over the pond and let my dick hang down, you grab a hold and I'll pull you out."

The chicken is saved!!

The moral of the story is, if you've got a big dick you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW?

The cactus has pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

One has its pricks on the outside.

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Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

With a porcupine the prick is always on the outside.

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Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

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If you ever feel like your job is meaningless or without purpose, just remember...

That someone out there is installing turn signals on a BMW.

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What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks outside.

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Rich man, poor man

After Mother's Day, two long time friends, one rich and one poor, were catching up. The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Mother's Day. Rich man replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a BMW. Poor man asks, "Why would you get her both?" Rich man says, "So, if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive it back to the jeweler with her new car." The rich man then asks the poor man what he got his wife for Mother's Day. Poor man replies, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo." Rich man asks, "Why would you get her both of those?" Poor man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

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Super fast Nano

A tata nano breaks down on a roadside. A BMW 750Li stops to help the driver.

"I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights."

They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds pas 150km/hour.

The BMW driver totally forgets about the Nano and guns it after the Porsche.

Just as all 3 of them tear through a speed trap, the cop radios the HQ," calling all stations: you won't believe this, I just saw a BMW and a Porsche racing past about 190km/hour with a Nano behind them flashing its lights to overtake."

(Nano is the cheapest car)

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A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls over. The cop comes up and says to the man. Son, I'm at the end of my shift and you just racked up a ton of charges and paperwork for me. I'll tell you what, if you can give me the best story as to why you were speeding, I will let you go. The man sat there and thought for a minute and said. Well, 3 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and I was scared that y'all were bringing her back.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside but BMWs have them on the inside.

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A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.

"What's the story?" she asked.

"Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied.

"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

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What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW?

With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

With a porcupine, the prick is on the outside.

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From my girlfriend's boss: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. Are you alright? , he asked. The stock broker whined, My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer! Disgusted the officer growled, You greedy Wall Street types are all alike. Just worried about your fucking status symbols. You're so busy whining about your damn BMW that you haven't even noticed that your whole arm was ripped off by the crash. The stock broker looked down at bleeding shreds of flesh hanging where his left arm once was and screamed, Oh my God! Oh my God! My Rolex!

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If light travels faster than the speed of sound

Then how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

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If it is true that light travels faster than sound

Then why do we always first hear the BMW driver behind us honk before seeing the light turn green?

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What's the smallest part in a BMW?

The driver's penis

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I think I can read minds

because I always know a BMW is changing lanes before they use their blinker

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Damned lawyer

A lawyer parked at the side of the road, and opened the door of his BMW. Suddenly, a speeding car appeared from nowhere, hitting the door and ripping it off of his car. The lawyer was outraged.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer whined, "Officer, look what that person did to my Beemer! You have to find him and arrest him!"
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick," the officer snapped. "You're so upset about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off in the accident."
"Oh my God....", gasped the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody stump where his arm had been. "My Rolex!"

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A man finds a magic lamp

A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.

"I'll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much"

Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says "Alright, I want a mansion with a triple garage."

The genie says "Here is your mansion with the triple garage, your ex wife has 2"

Next,the man says "I want a BMW, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini for my garage"

The genie says, "You now have 3 cars for your garage, your ex wife has 6"

The man gets a smile on his face as he says his last wish," I want to be beaten half to death!"

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What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On a porcupine, all the pricks are on the outside!

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When I was a kid my dad left without any indication

All I remember of him was that he drove a BMW

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There's a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light

It's the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.

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Gone Fishin'

An older cop towards the end of his shift was sitting on the side of a busy road with his radar gun trying to just make it through the day. As he's sitting there watching traffic, a young kid in a brand new BMW comes flying down the road past the cop. Knowing the routine, the cop turns on his lights and chases down the BMW. It takes a minute, but the kid finally pulls off to the side of the road.

The cop gets out of his patrol car and starts walking up to the BMW and as he walks up he can see the kid is fuming. As soon as he gets to the guy's window, the guy starts screaming at the cop:

"Why the fuck did you pull me over?! I was barely going over the limit! There are so many other cars going way faster than I was! I'm just trying to get home! I mean really, out of all of the people why would you pull me over?"

The cop studies the man for a second, then finally opens his mouth.

"Son, have you ever gone fishing?"

The kid stares up at the cop with disbelief then says "Yeah, so fucking what?"

The cop stares at the kid for a couple more seconds then says "Son... have you ever caught ALL of the fish?"

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What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?

A Porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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A Chinese man goes to the optician

A Chinese man goes to the optician and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract.

That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".

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Since light supposedly travels faster than the speed of sound.....

Why can I hear the BMW driver behind me honk before the light turns green?

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Two men are sitting at a bar.

One impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, the other in his work clothes. The business man turns to the other and says

- I bought my wife a brand new BMW and a 5 carat diamond for mother's day".

The worker looks confused and say:

- Why two such extravagant gifts?

- Well...if she decides she doesn't like the ring she can drive her BMW back to Tiffany's and exchange it for what she would prefer.

- Oh" says the worker" I did something similar for my wife.

- How so?" says the business man

- Well I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo.

The business man looked truly confused.

- Well..ye see..if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*** herself

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What are mixed feelings?

Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

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If you ever feel useless...

Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

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Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

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Three high school jocks are constantly annoyed

by a mentally challenged classmate. Since he has no concept of coolness, he's always talking to them as if they're his friends and laughing heartily at their attempted putdowns.

Finally they decide to really stick it to him. His father has bought him a new BMW, which only increases their ire. One day as he is cheerfully driving home from school, three cars are blocking the road. It's the bullies, eager to teach him a lesson and get him out of their hair for once and for all.

As he stops, they get out of their cars, all holding a baseball bat. One of them draws a circle in chalk on the road away from the BMW. "Get in the circle," he growls to the poor confused fellow, "and don't let me see you step out of it until we're done."

"OK," he chirps, and steps into the circle.

The bullies start swinging away at his car, busting a few windows and badly denting every side of it. "Now," one of them says, turning to him, "you understand what we think of you. Stay away from us, please!"

The victim hasn't fully comprehended the extent of the damage. In fact, as they turn to him, he's collapsing in laughter. He's snorting and nearly falling over.

"And what's so funny about it?" the angriest guy asks.

"Because while you guys were all busy with that, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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A lawyer's car breaks down on the freeway.

He pulls to the shoulder. He starts to get out, and a passing truck tears the door clean off. The truck keeps rolling and doesn't stop. The lawyer is in a frothy rage when a cop pulls up behind him.

"MY 50,000 dollar BMW has been damaged by a hit and run!" The lawyer shouts.

The cops sighs. "You lawyers are all alike. You're so concerned about your car that you haven't noticed your arm's been ripped off!"

The lawyer looks down at the oozing stump. "Son of a bitch got my Rolex too!"

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

Porcupines tend to keep their pricks on the outside

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If every car in the world were lined up bumper-to-bumper...

Some prick in a BMW would try to pass them all at once.

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Whats the worlds most useless job?

installing BMW turn signals.

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What does a BMW have in common with a hemorrhoid?

Eventually every asshole gets one.

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BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

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What's the difference between Fireflies and BMW Drivers.

Fireflies use their blinkers.

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GTA

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him.

"Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!"

"OH NO! Did you try to stop him?"

"No, but dont worry. I got the license plate number!"

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside!

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If you ever feel useless

Remember the guys who work at BMW to install the turn signals

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

With the BMW, the pricks are on the inside.

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What do you call a blonde in a BMW?

Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)

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Light doesn't travel faster than sound.

The guy in the BMW behind me always honks before the light turns green.

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What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

A Cactus has the pricks on the outside

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The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!

Dear God! Did your try to stop him?

No, said the clerk, but don't worry. I got the license plate number!

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I saw a BMW driver using their turning signal!

But then I woke up from my dream.

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What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

on a cactus, the pricks are on the outside

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A driver is stopped by the police...

...and the officer asks whether he's drunk or took any drugs. The driver denies but the policeman wants to investigate further and starts asking questions:

Officer: "You see two lights in the distance, what's that?"

Man: "A car, of course"

Officer: "yeah, but what car? A Mercedes, a BMW, an Audi, ...?"

Man: "How am I supposed to know?"

Officer: "Ok, different question: you see one light in the distance, what's that?"

Man: "a motorcycle!"

Officer: "yeah, but what motorcycle? A Harley Davidson, a Kawasaki, ...?"

The man is fed up so he answers:

"Let me ask you something first: you see a half naked women standing next to the street, what's that?"

Officer: "a hooker!"

Man: "yeah, but what hooker? Your mother, your sister, your wife?"

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Why do blondes like BMW's over Chevrolet's?

They can spell BMW.

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What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

Porcupines have their pricks on the outside!!!

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If you think that your job is useless and does not make any difference in the world,

consider that there are people out there making turn signals for BMW.

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What's the difference between a bmw driver and a porcupine?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex

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If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

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If you ever feel like your life is without purpose

Just know there's a guy at the BMW factory who installs turn signals

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What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage?

The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels.

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If you think your job is meaningless

remember that in the BMW factory, there are people whose job is to install turning lights

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Nice car

When a man saw new cool BMW car of his boss he was amazed:

- Wow! Nice car, - said worker to his boss.
- Well, - said boss, - keep working and next year I will have another, better car)))

PS sorry for mistakes, I'm not English.

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A young boy was going to the golf course with his grandfather

He was looking around the trunk of the new BMW. What're these? he asked, pulling a small sack from the golf bag after his grandfather had loaded his clubs.

Those are tees, the old man said. You put your balls in them when you drive.

Wow, the boy said, those BMW people think of everything, don't they?

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[OC] What's the difference between a BMW and a horse?

Blinkers actually serve a purpose on a horse.

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How many Bitcoins for that BMW?

Joe: How many Bitcoins for that BMW?

Bob: 2 BTC.

Joe: That much? That is kinda expensive.

Bob: Well its a big company.

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Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.

But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:

'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '

'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'

That's three agains two now.

You're right... Go home grandpa, we'll handle this without you.

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Swinger's Party

I went to this swingers party and tossed my keys into a bowl.

I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big titted sultry blonde picked them out.


Never saw my BMW again.

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Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.

In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.

In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.

And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

Porcupines have pricks on the OUTSIDE.

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John is painting his house when a homeless fellow comes along...

and offers some help. John agrees and tells the man to go around the back and paint the porch. After a couple hours, the homeless man finishes up. "Done already?" John asks. "Yeah," the homeless man replies, "but that's a BMW, not a porch."

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BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

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So, there was this rich dude...

One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself I love my BMW, I love BMW. He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out my BMW, oh my BMW. Just then a good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The rich dude, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

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What's the difference between a Mercedes and a BMW?

Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a BMW.

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Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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A young man was looking for work...

He comes across an old lady's house and asks if she has any work for him.

The lady says, "Actually I do need someone to paint the porch."

After some time the boy returns and says, "I've finished painting, but you should know it's a BMW not a Porsche."

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What does BMW stand for?

Break my wallet

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What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a BMW?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.



....and if I did, I *probably* wouldn't masturbate in it.

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What a driver!

A man walks into a bar spitting on the floor, "what a driver, pfft. What a driver pfft." The barman asks what he's on about. "Well there was a parking space, pfft, out in the car park, pfft, the size of a smart car, pfft, this flash twat turns up in a brand new BMW, pfft, well I said to the guy, pfft, "if you can park your car in that space I'll give you oral sex!".....pfft, What a driver!"

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What is the most useless job in the world?

The line workers responsible for making BMW turn signals

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What do you call a crocodile driving a BMW?

A tailgator.

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What do you get when BMW, Volkswagen, and Callaway design a car together?

A Mini Golf.

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For Sale: 5yr old BMW

Turn signals like new!

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What's the difference between an EMP and a BMW?

An EMP turns signals.

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Why did the Audi driver wave when he was let in?

Because he wasn't driving a BMW.

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What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has pricks on the outside.

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BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...

The drivers.

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What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

In the case of the bmw, the pricks are on the inside.

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My Car Won't Drive At Night

The service department of a BMW dealership took a call. The customer stated that his car, a 380i, will not drive at night.

The advisor, flummoxed at this, asks for more detail.

"You see," the owner replies, "when it is daytime, I put the car in 'D' and it drives like a dream."

"But when I put it in 'N' for Nighttime....'"

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Sure, the BMW symbol kind of looks like a sphincter, but

I could already tell by the way you were driving.

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How do you signal when changing lanes?

I drive a BMW

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Man in a BMW pulls up next to a kid in the street...

and says, "Excuse me, lad. If I give you 5 bucks will you come in my car?"

Kid says, "Give me 10 and I'll come in your mouth!"

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I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today.

That was the joke.

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New BMWs don't have a dipstick located in the engine anymore

They're now located in the driver seat

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I went to test drive a BMW

The sales person said I didn't tailgate enough to own one

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Credit to Top Gear.

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What kind of car did Cory Matthews Drive?

A BMW

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Why would you rather run into a bmw driver than a cactus?

Because it's easier to deal with just one prick

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What's the difference between and porcupine and a BMW driver?

One keeps its pricks on the outside and one keeps its pricks on the inside.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The pricks on the outside of a porcupine

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What's the difference between me and a pigeon?

A pigeon can make a deposit on a BMW

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A cannibal transformer who talked like yoda was asked what he had for lunch.

He replied "A BMW i8"

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Ya know what's rarer than bigfoot?

A BMW driver that uses their turn signal

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What are the best Bmw puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bmw? Well, here are the best jokes about Bmw to have fun with.

Joko Jokes