Bmw Jokes

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I
couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.


"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.

Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.

Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.

Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

You think YOU have a meaningless job?

Think about the guy who makes turn signals at the BMW factory.

If you ever feel like your job is pointless...

Just remember that someone out there is in charge of installing turn signals on a BMW.

What type of car did Yoda eat?

A BMW i8

Good news and Bad news

wife: i have a good news and a bad new.
Husband: i am very busy.Just give me good news.
wife: The airbags worked properly in our new BMW.

The Horse and the Chicken

One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.

"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"

The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.

"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"

The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my weiner!"

"What?!?"

"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."

Excuse for speeding

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.

The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

Mother in law 's test

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Sons- in- law for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her. Next morning he also finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note : from your Father In Law!

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless or without purpose, just remember...

That someone out there is installing turn signals on a BMW.

A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls over. The cop comes up and says to the man. Son, I'm at the end of my shift and you just racked up a ton of charges and paperwork for me. I'll tell you what, if you can give me the best story as to why you were speeding, I will let you go. The man sat there and thought for a minute and said. Well, 3 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and I was scared that y'all were bringing her back.

Super fast Nano

A tata nano breaks down on a roadside. A BMW 750Li stops to help the driver.

"I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights."

They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds pas 150km/hour.

The BMW driver totally forgets about the Nano and guns it after the Porsche.

Just as all 3 of them tear through a speed trap, the cop radios the HQ," calling all stations: you won't believe this, I just saw a BMW and a Porsche racing past about 190km/hour with a Nano behind them flashing its lights to overtake."

(Nano is the cheapest car)

If it is true that light travels faster than sound

Then why do we always first hear the BMW driver behind us honk before seeing the light turn green?

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice your left arm has been ripped off".

Upon heaering this the lawyers eyes shoot wide open as he jolts his head towards the left shoulder, only to find that his arm was indeed completely missing.

"Oh my god!", replied the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex!"

A man finds a magic lamp

A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.

"I'll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much"

Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says "Alright, I want a mansion with a triple garage."

The genie says "Here is your mansion with the triple garage, your ex wife has 2"

Next,the man says "I want a BMW, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini for my garage"

The genie says, "You now have 3 cars for your garage, your ex wife has 6"

The man gets a smile on his face as he says his last wish," I want to be beaten half to death!"

I think I can read minds

because I always know a BMW is changing lanes before they use their blinker

When I was a kid my dad left without any indication

All I remember of him was that he drove a BMW

There's a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light

It's the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.

Since light supposedly travels faster than the speed of sound.....

Why can I hear the BMW driver behind me honk before the light turns green?

A Chinese man goes to the optician

A Chinese man goes to the optician and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract.

That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".

What are mixed feelings?

Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

If you ever feel useless...

Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

Three high school jocks are constantly annoyed

by a mentally challenged classmate. Since he has no concept of coolness, he's always talking to them as if they're his friends and laughing heartily at their attempted putdowns.

Finally they decide to really stick it to him. His father has bought him a new BMW, which only increases their ire. One day as he is cheerfully driving home from school, three cars are blocking the road. It's the bullies, eager to teach him a lesson and get him out of their hair for once and for all.

As he stops, they get out of their cars, all holding a baseball bat. One of them draws a circle in chalk on the road away from the BMW. "Get in the circle," he growls to the poor confused fellow, "and don't let me see you step out of it until we're done."

"OK," he chirps, and steps into the circle.

The bullies start swinging away at his car, busting a few windows and badly denting every side of it. "Now," one of them says, turning to him, "you understand what we think of you. Stay away from us, please!"

The victim hasn't fully comprehended the extent of the damage. In fact, as they turn to him, he's collapsing in laughter. He's snorting and nearly falling over.

"And what's so funny about it?" the angriest guy asks.

"Because while you guys were all busy with that, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Whats the worlds most useless job?

installing BMW turn signals.

An Irishman is going door to door in a suburban neighbourhood looking for work

He knocks on a ladies door and she asks him if he will paint her porch. Two hours later he knocks on her door and tells her that he's finished the job. She says "it doesn't look like you painted it" he replies " oh I painted the whole thing but I got to tell you lady it's not a porch it's a BMW"

BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

GTA

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him.

"Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!"

"OH NO! Did you try to stop him?"

"No, but dont worry. I got the license plate number!"

If you ever feel useless

Remember the guys who work at BMW to install the turn signals

A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.

The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost? I'm a lawyer! I'll sue you so bad your grandchildren will feel it!"

The cab driver sighs and says, "You lawyers are all the same, only care about material things. Your door got ripped off, yet you didn't realize you also lost your arm."

The lawyer looks down to see his left arm missing, looks back and the cabbie and yells, "My Rolex!"

Light doesn't travel faster than sound.

The guy in the BMW behind me always honks before the light turns green.

What do you call a blonde in a BMW?

Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!

Dear God! Did your try to stop him?

No, said the clerk, but don't worry. I got the license plate number!

I saw a BMW driver using their turning signal!

But then I woke up from my dream.

Why do blondes like BMW's over Chevrolet's?

They can spell BMW.

A driver is stopped by the police...

...and the officer asks whether he's drunk or took any drugs. The driver denies but the policeman wants to investigate further and starts asking questions:

Officer: "You see two lights in the distance, what's that?"

Man: "A car, of course"

Officer: "yeah, but what car? A Mercedes, a BMW, an Audi, ...?"

Man: "How am I supposed to know?"

Officer: "Ok, different question: you see one light in the distance, what's that?"

Man: "a motorcycle!"

Officer: "yeah, but what motorcycle? A Harley Davidson, a Kawasaki, ...?"

The man is fed up so he answers:

"Let me ask you something first: you see a half naked women standing next to the street, what's that?"

Officer: "a hooker!"

Man: "yeah, but what hooker? Your mother, your sister, your wife?"

If you think that your job is useless and does not make any difference in the world,

consider that there are people out there making turn signals for BMW.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

If you think your job is meaningless

remember that in the BMW factory, there are people whose job is to install turning lights

What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage?

The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels.

If you ever feel like your life is without purpose

Just know there's a guy at the BMW factory who installs turn signals

[OC] What's the difference between a BMW and a horse?

Blinkers actually serve a purpose on a horse.

How many Bitcoins for that BMW?

Joe: How many Bitcoins for that BMW?

Bob: 2 BTC.

Joe: That much? That is kinda expensive.

Bob: Well its a big company.

Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.

But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:

'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '

'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'

That's three agains two now.

You're right... Go home grandpa, we'll handle this without you.

Nice car

When a man saw new cool BMW car of his boss he was amazed:

- Wow! Nice car, - said worker to his boss.
- Well, - said boss, - keep working and next year I will have another, better car)))

PS sorry for mistakes, I'm not English.

Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.

In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.

In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.

And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.

John is painting his house when a homeless fellow comes along...

and offers some help. John agrees and tells the man to go around the back and paint the porch. After a couple hours, the homeless man finishes up. "Done already?" John asks. "Yeah," the homeless man replies, "but that's a BMW, not a porch."

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: Β«Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!Β» Β«Oh, my god,Β» replies the officer. Β«You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven't even noticed your left arm has been ripped off!Β». The lawyer goes: Β«What!? Where's my Rolex!?Β»

Swinger's Party

I went to this swingers party and tossed my keys into a bowl.

I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big titted sultry blonde picked them out.


Never saw my BMW again.

A young man was looking for work...

He comes across an old lady's house and asks if she has any work for him.

The lady says, "Actually I do need someone to paint the porch."

After some time the boy returns and says, "I've finished painting, but you should know it's a BMW not a Porsche."

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

So, there was this rich dude...

One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself I love my BMW, I love BMW. He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out my BMW, oh my BMW. Just then a good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The rich dude, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

What does BMW stand for?

Break my wallet

What is the most useless job in the world?

The line workers responsible for making BMW turn signals

What do you call a crocodile driving a BMW?

A tailgator.

For Sale: 5yr old BMW

Turn signals like new!

What do you get when BMW, Volkswagen, and Callaway design a car together?

A Mini Golf.

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...

The drivers.

BMW drivers always use their signals

The light they give off just can't be seen by the poor.

Sure, the BMW symbol kind of looks like a sphincter, but

I could already tell by the way you were driving.

Why did the Audi driver wave when he was let in?

Because he wasn't driving a BMW.

My Car Won't Drive At Night

The service department of a BMW dealership took a call. The customer stated that his car, a 380i, will not drive at night.

The advisor, flummoxed at this, asks for more detail.

"You see," the owner replies, "when it is daytime, I put the car in 'D' and it drives like a dream."

"But when I put it in 'N' for Nighttime....'"

What kind of car did Cory Matthews Drive?

A BMW

We have collected gags that can be used as Bmw pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Bmw, here are one liners and funny Bmw pick up lines.

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