Blurts Jokes
20 blurts jokes and hilarious blurts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about blurts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Blurts Short Jokes
Short blurts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The blurts humour may include short blurted jokes also.
- (6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ? Have a grate day.
- A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"
- Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic, and David Grohl go to Tibet to visit the Dalai Llama. As soon as they enter the room his eyes widen and he blurts out, "Finally!"
- I have a problem- I can't stop cursing. Whenever the most minor inconvenience happens to me, I just blurt out things like, "Bad luck upon your family for seven days."
- An accountant told President Trump, "You can name my firstborn son as long as it honors me, is Hebrew, and—" Interjecting, President Trump blurts out,"I'VE GOT IT... "MathJew"
- My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-s**... at 3AM... Why does bill nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?
Because of the Nye Quill. - What do you call someone who blurts out the punchline before he finishes the A p**... Ejokeulator!
- I asked a r**... who came first... Before I could finish the question he blurted out, "Family. My momma taught me right. They always come first."
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Blurts One Liners
Which blurts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with blurts? I can suggest the ones about burst and blows.
- What did the popcorn blurted out when it saw the microwave? Allahu Akbar!
Gather Around for Heartwarming Blurts Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about blurts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean slips jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make blurts pranks.
The guessing game
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
\- "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
\- "I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
\- "Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A dad and his daughter are having an argument...
The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".
Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
practicing with the violin
A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again.
"What's wrong?" asks the teacher.
"It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin"
My girlfriend's response to a lesbian joke that I told her
Years ago I told my girlfriend a joke, it went something like this:
Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France?
Her: (Shakes her head no)
Me: She missed her native tongue.
After I said the punchline, she didn't get it, just sat there and looked at me straight-faced, trying to make sense of it, finally she blurts out, "They have natives in France?"
Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat
They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.
Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns black and foamy, pure Guinness.
"Whadda do that for ya feckin' idjit!" Yells his companion, "Now we have to p**... in the boat!"
Wine
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, I love you .
The husband responds: Is that you or the wine talking.
Wife: This is me, I'm talking to the wine .
A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.
As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of his fingers turns the boy into a t**....
An Irishman goes to buy some wellies
The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers have got C&A written on them!"
An Antarctic explorer has a sore a**... from sitting on the ice all day.
Since there's currently no doctor on base, he phones his doctor 5,000km away in Melbourne. The doctor says it's probably just piles, but since I can't examine you, you'd better send a photo just in case it's something more serious.
Worried, the explorer blurts out how the h**... do I take a photo of piles on my own b**... in the middle of Antarctica?!?
The doctor replies I'd suggest a polarrhoid camera.
Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.
Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Harold comes back to the phone. 'OK,' he says nervously, 'what do I do next?'
My favourite Russian joke.
3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.
The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."
The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."
The American says, "Well we get around 2000 calories a day for field ration."
The Russian blurts out, "That is b**..., you can't possibly carry that much cabbage!"
Thought of this in the car today...
A bearded man walks into a McDonald's without a shirt on. When he gets to the counter the cashier blurts out "I'm sorry sir, we can't serve you food unless you're wearing a shirt."
"What do you mean?" the man bellows incredulously as he brings his hand up to s**... his beard.
"I have a goatee!"
Ocean full of beer
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.
The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.
Bird of Paradise
His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had s**... with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.