Blown Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Blown puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Blown

Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone?

Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

Why do men give their jackets to women when its cold?

Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth

Life is like a soup

Life is like a soup, you only get blown if you're hot.

A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.

What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton?

One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated

What do terrorists and inflatable sex dolls have in common?

They both get blown up to be greeted by virgins.

n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One looks to another and says,."I must've blown 20 bucks in there."

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".

The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"

She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"

Syria has a lot of nice reviews

Everyone says they got blown away.

What do you call a sweater that was blown away by the wind?

A cardi-gone.

(yes, I made this one up this morning)

Penguin.

A penguin goes to get his car fixed at the mechanics on a hot day. Mechanic tells penguin it will be a while, so the penguin goes to the shop across the road and get some yummy vanilla icecream. The penguin returns to the mechanic and the mechanic says "looks like you've blown a seal.". the penguin replies "no it's only icecream."

Life is like a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you are hot.

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."

"What for?!", cried the man.

"Tacks evasion."

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic

until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

Got head from a Midget last night...

I guess you could say I was blown out of proportion...

People love animals. There's movies where people get blown up and shot. But you kill one puppy...

They ask you to leave the theatre!

What do you call a french terrorist?

Napoleon Blown apart

TIL The chicken crossing the road jokes real meaning

To get to the other side was also a comment on the afterlife, as in the "other side" as in knowing he'd die crossing the road. I'm 37, heard this joke so many times, and not once put this together till now. /mind blown

A penguin is driving down the highway when he starts having engine problems.

He pulls into a local mechanic's and the mechanic says, Give me an hour and I'll let you know the problem. The penguin walks out and see an ice cream shop and goes in for a vanilla cone.
An hour later, he walks back to the mechanic's. The mechanic see him coming and meets him at the counter and says, It looks like you've blown a seal.
The penguin wipes his mouth and says, No, no, that's just ice cream.

A penguin was driving when he noticed the warning light on his dashboard light up...

He limped the car to the nearest garage. The mechanic said it may take a while to fix and so to come back later.

So the penguin went out and took in the sights. Whilst he was there he decided to get an ice cream. However, only having flippers, he couldn't hold the ice cream very well and made a mess as he tried to eat it.

Later, the penguin goes back to the mechanic. He looks up at the penguin and says "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no" replied the penguin, "this is just ice cream!"

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world.

I wish we could travel all over the world."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!

He had the tickets in his hand.

Next, it was the birthday boy's turn.

He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
He was 90.

TIL that elephants fart

I was blown away!

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away?

Semtex.

Birthday present

An alcoholic looked at his calendar and noticed it was almost his sons 18th birthday. Being a drunk, he did not see his son very often, but felt he had to give something to his son for this momentous occasion. Having blown all his money on booze, he had an idea...

Two days later his son got an envelope with a birthday card:

"Dear son,

Congratulations on your 18th birthday. I am so proud of you and all you accomplished. I heard you even got into a good college! Because I didn't really know what to get you, I've included a deposit for your college fund. Have a good birthday.

Love,
Dad

P.s. I would have included 200 dollar, but I accidentally sealed the envelope beforehand."

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

I just won a farting contest.

The judges were blown away.

Women are like the wind

Sometimes you just get blown and it feels great. Other times things get rough and you lose your house.

(Get Ready to be Blown Away) What Do You Call A Hospital Full Of Sick Doctors?

**A Staff Infection** *massive applause*

Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancΓ© and Iast night.

In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of them for breakfast, lunch or dinner at some point in the next year. With 400 or so families in the town, this is quite the undertaking. He decides to start all the at the outskirts of his Parrish and work his way inward. As he's walking the 7 miles to the O'leary farm, he notices how perfect the soil is, and how bountiful the upcoming harvest will be for the O'leary family. He thinks to himself how blessed by God they are. He comes to the door and tells Seamus O'leary how blessed he has been by God for this farm, and with the help of God he hopes he wakes up everyday thankful for what he has.
To which Seamus replies "Aye, I awake everyday thankful for what I have Fadder, but you should seen the place when just God owned it!"

Tl;dr
My marriage counselor is an agnostic.

EDIT
Title should be and I. I no word good.

Bridge blown up

During a drill a bridge is labeled with a sign as blown up. To his anger the drill instructor sees a whole platoon crossing the bridge. The last soldier has a sign on his back. The instructor pulls out his binoculars. The sign reads: We're swimming.

A penguin takes his car to a garage.

The mechanic tells him it will take about an hour to diagnose the problem. So, the penguin decides to go next door to the ice cream shop for a treat while he waits.

He returns about an hour later and the mechanic tells him. "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin wipes his beak and says, "I did not. I was eating ice cream."

"Captain, have you ever made love at sea?"

"No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."

Why couldn't the soldier feel his legs?

Because his arms were blown off.

A penguin's car breaks down

He pulls over to a shop owned by a walrus who tells him he'll look at it. The Penguin takes a stroll and buys a vanilla treat.

The Penguin gets back and the Walrus say

"Looks like you've blown a seal"

The Penguin wipes his chin and says..

"No, No, it's just ice cream."

A photographer shot his subject with a Canon.

She was blown away.

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.

I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

Why did the atom stick around?

Cuz if he split, the situation would have gotten blown out of proportion.

An FBI statistician gave me some advice

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on the same plane, so the odds of a terrorist smuggling a second bomb onboard are very low."

Snooki's kind of like Hurricane Sandy...

She's large, slow-moving, an has blown just about everyone in the Jersey Shore.

What are the best dirty jokes you know, that don't take too long to tell?

Just to kick it off.....

This penguin is havin car trouble so he takes his car in to the shop. The mechanic tells him it's going to take a bit so he might want to go for a walk to keep him occupied. The penguin goes for a walk and buys an ice cream along the way, which is tough because he has a beak and it isn't that easy to eat ice cream. When he gets back to the shop, the mechanic says, "Whell it look like you've blown a seal!...." and the penguin says, "No I just ate some ice cream!"

I have a lot in common with Bambi.

When we were both little we saw one of our parents get blown.

A man travelling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar

He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he's blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me names, I'll smash your face in!"

Penguin driving home has car trouble...

A penguin driving home when his car begins to overheat. He parks at a garage and the mechanic says it will be a little bit before he can look at it.
The penguin decides to go across the street and get ice cream. The penguin slops ice cream all over himself from head to toe and returns to the mechanic. The mechanic comes out and says well it looks like you've blown a seal.
The penguin says no it's ice cream, honest.

I gave my Anorexic girlfriend a kite today...

She was blown away.

What's the result of tossing a live grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum blown apart.

Whats the difference between a Christian and a Muslim?

One blows up kids, the other gets blown by them.

What do you call someone who has had their legs blown off?

Defeated.

All these jokes about the note 7 are terrible

But they have really blown up ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

When my gay friend told me he was rich, I did not believe him. But when I went to his house, I was BLOWN...

for like 20 minutes straight.

Ice Cream...Maybe

A penguin went to get his car fixed on a 120 degree day, he was so hot, the mechanic said, "hey, this is going to take a while, you should go next door and cool off with some ice cream."

The penguin goes next door orders ice cream, the waitress asks, "would you like a spoon?" The penguin says, "no thank you, I will just use my flippers!"

After he eats the ice cream, it is all over his face, he goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says, "it looks like you have blown a seal!"

The penguin says, "No! This is ice cream!"

Did you hear about the kid who got his legs blown off?

He's a whole two feet shorter.

What did Lieutenant Dan say after getting his new legs blown off?

"Oh, the iron knee!"

Note: Old joke I made up and told friends in high school, before realizing his new legs are not actually made of iron. Hope the joke is still amusing though

Here's a line you wouldn't hear in a war film.

"I can't feel my legs!"

"That's because your arms were blown off."

I love the smell of blown out matches...

Chile vs Mexico was a real treat!

After the presidential debate, they debate about the debate.

Mind Blown

What's similar about a shy jihad and a bagpipe

They only make noise once they've been blown up.

[OC] How are guys like light bulbs?

They're both out immediately after being blown.

Hey billy jokes?

Need some more Billy & Highliner Jokes.

One is "Hey billy you ever been to sea"

"No Captain Highliner but I have been blown ashore"

Did you hear about the guy at the gun store who got fired?

He went ballistic.

Did you hear about the apartment building that got blown up? There were roomers everywhere.

Bob: Do you know why my pool exploded?
Joe: Na.

Did you hear about the power plant employee that went on a shooting spree? People say he went melted down and went nuclear.

Did you hear about the TV anchorman who lost it and shot up the whole studio?

We were all blown away by the news

A lead singer gets blown by a big fan backstage at the end of a concert and all the band members find him naked.

Group: Ewww! Get a room!

Singer: I would if you could fit three blades the size of a jet engine into my living room!

This morning I read about that 14 year boy with a clock they thought was a bomb

...I just checked again and it's really blown up since then

I took my blow up doll back to the shop, and said

"I only had this blown up for half an hour and it went down on me!"

The guy was most unsympathetic and said that if he'd known that, he'd have charged me an extra $30.

Today I found out my neurologist is also a prostitute

Mind blown!

I was trying to buy some storm insurance for my camp site, but was refused.

They said, If your tent gets blown away, you won't be covered.

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

What do a gay dolphin and a car that leaks oil have in common?

Chances are, both have blown a seal

How are men like fuses?

Once they're blown, they're useless.

I guess my parents were secret agents all along.

I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.

You know what is blown out of proportions?

Overweight suicide bombers.

How did the media know JFK was cheating on his wife?

They saw him getting blown in the back seat.

A battery and a light bulb were in a race. Who won?

None of them:
The light bulb was blown away from the short circuit and the battery gave up because it couldn't resist it either.

The hurricane in Haiti is just like having sex with a prostitute.

At least once it's over. Everything is wet. There's a good chance you were blown. You are probably poorer than you were before and there's a good chance you are going to catch a disease.

You ever hear what happened to Sally?

"You ever hear what happened to sally?"
"Why no, why don't you tell me?"
"She got her arms blown off in a war.."


*silence*.......


"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Not Sally."

Is Allahu Akbar a good pickup line?

From what I hear, it's always getting guys blown.

Not quite heaven

A skydiver jumps out of the plane, and passes through a layer of heavy winds where he is blown way off course. He crashes into a tree, and is knocked unconscious. When he awakes, he is surrounded by a number of beautiful, naked women. In the distance he sees a sign that says heaven.

Thinking to himself that he must have died, he says aloud, heaven is more beautiful than I imagined, then he hears a voice behind him. He turns to see a older naked male who says to him, "This isn't heaven, this is Heavenly Shores Nudist Camp, and you're not a member."

Just saw Elle Fanning.

I was blown away.

Have you ever blown Bubbles when you were younger?

Well he's back in town and had asked about you!

Stable bulls

One for the old folks...

Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their feet. So mostly, they huddled in the valleys, picking over what they could find.

The bulls on the other hand, enjoyed the tender shoots at the top of the hills. The wind, and even the occasional tremor seem to have no affect on them. This caused not just a little muttering and consternation among the cows.

One particularly windy day, the bravest (and hungriest) of the females struggled to the top of the hill to talk to the bulls. She fell over twice on the way up, but she was determined to find out their secret. "How do you guys stand up here?" she asked.

Looking up from a particularly sweet patch of clover, the oldest one said "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

Apparently there's a big scandal about an NBA player getting oral sex from a midget...

but it was blown way out of proportion.

I've blown over 50 men in the Navy since I joined the military.

What can I say, I love swallowing sea men.

Right when I thought all this news of terrifying clowns had blown over...

... We elect Donald Trump as President

A Penguin takes his car to a mechanic

The mechanic says that it may take a while so the penguin goes across the road to get an ice cream.
Because penguins have little fins instead of hands he gets ice cream all over his beak.
When he returns to the mechanic the mechanic, dusting off his hands, says, "looks like you've blown a seal" to which the penguin says, "Oh, no. Its just ice cream."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes