blowjobs Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious blowjobs puns

I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

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[NSFW] Your momma so ugly

when she was giving blowjobs, everyone though it was anal.

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A man comes home to find his wife's suitcase packed. NSFW

He asks her, "Where are you going?"

She says, "Las Vegas, I heard I can make 300 bucks for giving blowjobs, so I figured I could make some money doing what I do for you for free."

The husband chuckles and starts to pack his suitcase, and his wife asks what he's doing.

He says, "Coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $600 a year."

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The real reason men enjoy blowjobs?

5 minutes of silence.

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A teacher asked me

If I gave you Β£20 and you gave Β£5 to Katie, Β£5 to Claire and Β£5 to Lauren, what would you have?

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and a kebab is not the answer.

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I was at the pub with the lads and they were talking about blowjobs...

Having had somewhat of a sheltered upbringing I didn't know what that meant, so when I got home I said to my girlfriend "Do you know what a blowjob is?". She burst into tears and walked out of the room. I was very confused, and also a bit dissapointed as she had been sucking my dick at the time

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A priest is walking through town at his new parish

Suddenly a hooker approaches him & says, "Blowjobs for $20 if you're interested".

Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church.

He sees one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, what's a blowjob?"

She replies, "$20. Same as in town".

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What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.

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For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Grampa says "Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup"

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Who paid with a nickel?

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
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.
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"Everyone."

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The best blowjobs come from depressed women.

Because they try to choke on them and die.

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Husband and wife are talking about finances...

Wife says "Honey, you could ride your bike to work and we could sell the extra car."

Husband says "Yeah, I can see that. Or you can give me blowjobs and let me cum on your face. Then we could get rid of the nanny."

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Why don't rednecks like blowjobs while sitting down?

Real men stand up for their family.

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How do you get your girlfriend to stop giving you blowjobs?

You marry her.

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A woman walks into a pet shop...

looking for a Birthday present for her husband.Not wanting to spend much money the assistant recommended a large bullfrog trained to give blow jobs.

The wife purchased the bullfrog thinking to herself that she would be off the hook regarding doing blowjobs for her husband.

That night as she lay asleep in bed she was woken by the loud sound of pots and pans being thrown about the kitchen.She went downstairs to find her husband and the frog studying cookery books.

"What are you doing at this hour of the morning" she asked.

Her husband replied" Well if I can teach this frog to cook,you're gone!"

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What's the difference between a blimp and 1,000 blowjobs?

One was a Good Year and one was a great year

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Broke up with my girlfriend because she was terrible at blowjobs.

Didn't go down well.

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What is the one food to never feed your significant other if you want more blowjobs?

Wedding cake

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this prostitute gives the best handjobs in town... (NSFW)

and this guy hears about her and goes to her asking "so you really give the best hanjobs in town?" the girl goes "see that mcdonalds? i've used the money i got from giving handjobs to buy that mcdonalds" so the guy is convinced and asks for a handjob, gives her 50 bucks, and it's the best handjob he's ever gotten.

he goes "wow that was amazing! do you give awesome blowjobs too?" she says "see that gas station? with the money I've made from giving blowjobs i bought that gas station". the guy is convinced again, gives her 100 bucks, and it's the best blowjob he's ever gotten.

"wow, that was even more amazing! how good is your pussy?" the girl goes "see that casino? i'd buy that casino if i had a pussy"

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Why did Eva Braun dislike giving Hitler blowjobs?

Because he left a Nazi taste in her mouth.

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Question

Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs?

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What is the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs?

One is a Goodyear, the other is a Great year!

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Blowjobs For Money

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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Which flower gives the best blowjobs?

Tulips.

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A small business.

"Hey Jim! Long time no see, how are you?"

*"I'm great John, thanks. I started a small business."*

"Really? In this financial climate? Pretty risky. What kind?"

*"A brothel actually"*

"Cool! What services do you offer?"

*"The usual. Blowjobs, handjobs, and anal."*

"What, no pussy?"

*"Well, as I said its a small business.... I'm a freelancer."*

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What does Christianity and blowjobs have in common?

You're on your knees begging a man to come again.

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Two women are talking about giving blowjobs.

The first says "I don't like sucking my boyfriend's dick".

"Why not?" the second asks.

Just then their third friend joins them.

"He's just too big. I feel it right in the back of my throat".

"I know what you mean", says the second woman, "Steve's so big that I feel him bashing my tonsils the whole time".

The third pipes up "Alex's goes just past my front teeth".

At this her two friends explode with laughter. "That's ridiculous; how can you suck off something that tiny?"

"Suck off?" she says, "I thought we were talking about anal!"

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What's the difference between a car tire and 365 blowjobs?

One's a Goodyearβ„’ and the other one's a *really* good year.

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A couple is short on money… [NSFW]

The wife is excellent at blowjobs, so the husband convinces his wife to go out and "offer her services" on the street.

She comes back the next morning looking tired and says, "Well, it was hard work, but I made four hundred dollars and twenty five cents."

The husband said, "Who gave you the quarter?"

The wife replied: "They all did."

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Your mommas so ugly

Her blowjobs count as anal

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Blowjobs and Semen

So there's these two whales hanging in the ocean doin' whale stuff when one whale says to the other,
"Hey, wanna do something fun?"
"Uh, sure."
"Ok, I have an idea, you see that boat up there?"
"Yeah?"
"Wouldn't it be really really funny if we swim up to the boat and and knock it over with our blowholes, sending all the sailors into the water?"
"Yeah, lets do it!"
So the whales swim up and capsize the boat by blowing water out of their blowholes, flinging all the sailors into the water. They laugh and swim away. The first whale then says to the other whale,
"Hey, wouldn't it be really funny if we swam back there and ate the sailors?!"
"WOAH BRO" says the other whale,"I'll go for the occasional blow job, but you can make me swallow the seamen!"

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Three Generations of Prostitutes

There were three generations of prostitutes all living together. The daughter, mother, and grandma prostitute. Upon arriving home from work one day, the mother prostitute asks the daughter how her day was! "Not that great" she replies, "I only gave two blowjobs so only made a hundred bucks"! The mother replies "don't worry, back when I was working, we'd only get $50 for four blowjobs in a day"! At this time grandma prostitute chirps in, "back in my day, we'd just be happy with something warm in our stomachs"..

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My ex was the best. She'd give me amazing blowjobs everyday and she was always willing to clean the house for me.

I miss that vacuum cleaner.

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A woman bought her husband an anniversary gift..

A woman goes to a pet shop to get a pet for her husband for their anniversary. The shopkeeper asks "Hi, what can I do for you?"

The woman explains she wants to buy her husband a pet for her anniversary. The shopkeeper says, "Well, I have this parrot that can speak pretty well"

The woman declines and asks "Well... what else do you have?"

"Well I have a dog who will get you the paper everyday." Explains the shopkeeper.

The woman says "No I dont think he would want to walk the dog everyday, what else?"

"In the back I have a frog that gives blowjobs" He says

The woman is pleased "That's perfect! I can get a good nights sleep without having to give him blowjobs at night"

So the woman gives the gift to her husband and explains what the frog can do. That night, the woman slept very well only to wake up in the middle of the night to hear pots and pans downstairs. She goes downstairs to see her husband pulling pots and pans from the cabinets.

"What on earth are you doing!?" She proclaims

To which her husband responds "If I can teach this thing to cook, you're out of here!"

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What are the best Blowjobs jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Blowjobs? Well, here are the best Blowjobs dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Blowjobs pick up lines to share with friends.

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