blowjob Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious blowjob puns

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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Yo mama so ugly...

Her blowjob counts as anal.

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

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Wearing Crocs is a lot like getting a blowjob from a guy.

They both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?

"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.

"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"

"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open

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A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)

He orders nine shots.

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"

The man mumbles, "first blowjob."

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says,

"hey, make it an even ten. On the house."

The man shakes his head,

"No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help."

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was once woken with a blowjob

almost choked to death

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Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?

They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay.

TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc

I understand if I get downvoted.

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I was awakened with a blowjob today

I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.

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[NSFW] The Penguin

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.

"What can I get for 5 bucks?

"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."

Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.

The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"

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I had never woken up to a blowjob before

That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!

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Today i was woken up with a blowjob..

i will never fall asleep with my mouth open anymore.

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I love my wife

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

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I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.

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My girlfriend keeps trying to give me a blowjob on the treadmill

It's a running gag

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg

A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a blow job

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A Russian goes to Africa.

A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a cannibal."

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One of my favourite jokes

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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An Asian guy and this girl are driving in a car...

The girl decides it would be nice of her to give the guy a blowjob. They both agree. She starts to take off his pants, but before she gets past his underwear the girl looks up and says"Is it true what they say about Asian guys?" and he turns to her and says" Sadly it is." then he crashes the car and they both die.

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First Blowjob

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"

The man replies, "First blowjob today."

The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."

"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."

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My wife just asked me what I want for Father's Day this year...

"A blowjob," I replied.
"Haha," she replied. "But what do you want from your daughter?"
I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

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Do YOU remember your First Blowjob?

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Oh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?

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Little Billy came home from school one day...

He asks his mother "Mom, what is a blowjob?"

She stammers, and a look of terror washes over her face as she tries to think of an appropriate response.
Overhearing this, Dad heroically swoops in to her rescue..

"Little Billy, she doesn't know."

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Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a dude...

It feels great at first, but then you look down and realize you're gay.

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First blowjob!

A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"

I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

She said "so just a blowjob"

"Bingo"

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Told my girlfriend I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck this early in the morning!

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What are the most funny Blowjob jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Blowjob? Well, here are the best Blowjob dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Blowjob pick up lines to share with friends.

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