blow Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious blow puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.

"Something about a job. "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My gf said men only think with their penis.

I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck?

After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I asked my girlfriend to 68 today

She said What's that?

I said That's when you blow me and I owe you one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A rich manager went to a whorehouse, plunked down a $100, and said "I'll have the worst blowjob in the joint"

The manager was stuck in a tiny town out in the middle of nowhere, waiting for materials to arrive. One week stretched to two, and by the end of the third week he couldn't take it anymore.

He went into the local whorehouse, plunked down a hundred dollars, and requested the worst blow job in the joint. Pocketing the cash, the madam said, Sir, for a hundred dollars, you don't have to settle for the worst. Why, it'll buy you the very best we have to offer.

Let me set you straight, explained the fellow. I'm not horny, I'm homesick.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. She unzips his pants and puts his cock in her mouth, then immediately stops and starts gagging. "Dad your cock tastes like shit", she says. Then the dad snaps his fingers in realization and says: "That's right, your brother has the car".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wearing Crocs is like getting a blow job from a dude...

It feels really good until you look down, and realize how gay you are.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A horny guy went into a whorehouse...

A horny guy went into a whorehouse and says, "I need a blow job, but I only have $5".
"Okay", the owner said, "that is not much, but for $5 we can give you a penguin".
"What's a penguin?" The man asked.
"you'll see", she replied.
So he went upstairs. A young woman came and started giving him a blow job. But just as he was about to finish, she stopped and walked away.
Frustrated, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming "What's a penguin?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, *"How much for a blow job?"*

She said, *"Thirty dollars."*

I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*

*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.

I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?

I'm going to commit suicide, she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.

After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?

My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck?

I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A policeman pulls over a driver...

for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
I can't do that, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.

Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.

Alright, we could get a blood sample.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.

Fine then, just walk this white line.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm drunk.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a burger, and a blow job?

You don't know?

Let's do lunch sometime!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man on a train is sitting across a gorgeous young lady, with tight short skirt on (NSFW)

She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully apologizes, and promises that it will not happen again.
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The man watches her vagina make a kiss movement and is severely impressed.
"Look, I can make it wink" she says, and the man is surprised and even more impressed.
"Come sit next to me" and so the man does.
"Do you want to stick a few fingers in there?"
Stunned, the man replies "My God, that thing can whistle too?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

β€Ž...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg

A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a blow job

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?

She was a lesbian.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while.
Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?''


The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

First Blowjob

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"

The man replies, "First blowjob today."

The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."

"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you're gay.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I hope it's me this year!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

First blowjob!

A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man saysΒ if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the definition of trust?

Two gay cannibals giving each other a blow job

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.

Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW]

A blow up doll!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench...

A young man passing by decides to help:

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man.

"I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man.

"Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday after I wake up in the morning, we have wild sex. Then she leaves for work" the old man said.

"That's not bad" the young man said.

"Well, when I she gets home, she makes my meal and gives me a blow job. After we eat, we have more wild sex." the old man said.

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.

"The problem is I forgot where I live!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It's too early for hurricane jokes

wait for everything to blow over first.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife walked in on me

Blow drying my dick and balls after a shower.

What are you doing? She asked.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not an appropriate response.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean...

When they come across a whaling vessel. One whale looks to the other and says "we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!" The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water. The first whale then says "we should eat these sailors so they don't ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!" The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies "Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you're going to get me to eat the seamen!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, Wow! That's the best thing since bread.


The inventor says, Well, I'm about to blow your mind.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Almost got my first blowjob today.

Tomorrow,I'm going to stretch even farther while doing sit-ups.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

She is not a fan.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why is a blowjob, like the military?

The closer you get to a discharge, the better you feel.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you blow up a Muslim's phone?

Put it on airplane mode.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today I woke up to a blow job..

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common?

They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is an extremist's favourite thing to have sex with?

A blow up doll

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the two most important holes on a woman?

The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a blow job.

*My 10 year old brother told me this today

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So two whales are swimming along...

... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!"

The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water.

"Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!"

The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man has a Β£50 note tattooed on his willy

His wife says to him "Why have you done that!?" He replies "For one, I like to see my money grow; two, I like to play with my money; thrid, I like to have money in my hand and finally the next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

68

A man urges his wife to try a new sex position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a blow job, and I owe you one"

πŸ‘πŸΌ


Sorry, I Can't do That!

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says,

"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.

He was on crack, she was on blow.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

Β£20 for a hand job


Β£50 for a blow job


Β£80 for sex


And for Β£120, i'll do anything!


Anything hmmm....


She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy.

Feels good till you look down and realize you're gay
(Credit to Adam Corolla)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a dude

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Bullfrog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

Well, said the clerk, I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!

Blow jobs!? the woman replied.

It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month, he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, but if it's true... No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.


When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making a hellacious banging and crashing sound.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

What are you two doing at this hour!? she asked.

The husband replied, If I can teach this frog to cook... your ass is gone!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sex education

Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a blow job was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

late night...

A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.

He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts

"You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"

The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."

"Just one more!!" yells the old man.

So the bartender gets him one more tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts

"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.

All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.

Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A driver was swerving all over the road...

... then was pulled over by a police officer. The police officer knocked on the door and said,

"Sir, please blow into this machine"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I have asthma, and it might trigger an asthma attack"

"Okay, could we get a blood sample then?"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I have diabetes, and it might upset my blood sugar level"

"Okay, then just step outside your car and walk in a straight line"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by.

People hate it, but I'm a fan.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"My first blow job," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My first blowjob was like my first bike ride....

Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man comes home to find his wife packing...

He says "Hunny, what are you doing"

"I'm leaving you and going to Vegas!"

"Why?"

"I heard you can make $400 a blow job out there!"

The husband starts packing and his wife asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming with you! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blowing Bubbles

There is this door in an ally. Three guys walk out of it. A curious man asked the first guy," what were you doing in there"? The man answered "I was blowing bubbles" The curious man asks the second guy what he was doing, and the man answered, "I was blowing bubbles". Then the curious man said, "Let me guess, you were blowing bubbles". Then the last guy said," What the fuck are you talking about I am bubbles."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got a $100 bill tattood on my penis,

if the wife wants to blow $100 she doesn't even need to leave the house.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If women say men only think with their penis...

Will she be offended if I ask her to blow my mind?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like my women like I like my grenades

Hanging around my belt and ready to blow.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes, and thanks for the tip", the second said.
"Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs?

A headmaster.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The nintendo 64 turned 18 last month

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between your bonus, and your penis ?

Your wife will always blow your bonus!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The neighbor's pet rabbit

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.

He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW

They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do female reindeer do for fun?

Go into town and blow a couple hundred bucks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest will blow you

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This will blow your mind!

If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Welder's Mask

A kids walking along the street and he sees a welders mask.
So the kids excited and he picks it up and puts it on. He plays with the eye visor, flipping it up and down.

Just then a guy in a van comes along and says "hey kid, you want a ride?"

The kid thinks why not so he gets in the van. As they're driving the guy says to the kid "hey kid, do you know what masturbation is?"

The kid says no.

The guy says "hey kid, do you know what dry humping is?"

The kid says no.

The guy then says "hey kid do you know what a blow job is?"

The kid finally looks at the guy and says "hey mister, I gotta tell you, I'm not really a welder".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory?

There specialise in blow up dolls

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Whales

So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Of Blowjobs and Bullfrogs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.

The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".

The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.

A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a pretty girl and a bowl of soup?

One is so hot that you blow on it before you stick your dick in, and the other is a person and shouldn't be seen as a mere sexual object.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear ISIS secretly makes sex toys?

They specialise in blow up dolls

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the definition of trust ?

Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

LITTLE JOHNNY... BIG WORD

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier today...

He was on crack, she was on blow...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...

..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best blow job in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last blow job I ever have to."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg

A blowjob, because you can't beat a blowjob.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Physics joke

A man is interested in placing a bet on a horse race; only he's a smart, educated guy and doesn't want to blow his money on the wrong horse. He decides to consult a vet, a statistician an a physicist.

He goes to the vet. The vet examines the horses for a few minutes, then points to a horse and says: "this is the healthiest, strongest, horse. He'll probably win".

He then goes to the statistician. The statistician takes a couple of hours to analyze all the previous races of all contending horses. He takes into account the horse's nutrition, the weather, the day of the week, the number of spectators and many other factors. In the end, he points to a horse and says that, based on past performance, it has the highest probability of winning the race.

Finally, the man goes to a physicist. The physicist thinks for a few minutes and tells him he needs a few days to think it over. A day passes, then two days, then three. It's finally a day before the race and the bets have to be placed. But still there's no word from the physicist. The man decides he has to get an answer so he angrily calls the physicist himself. His reply? "listen, the problem you've given me was harder than I anticipated. By now, I only managed to solve it for a spherical horse in vacuum".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy asks for a tattoo on his........

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his private parts. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.


He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say?

Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blowjob would make my day.

But anal would make my hole weak.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A drunk chick at the club offered me a blow job, but I turned her down. She looked too much like my sister.

And my sister is terrible at blow jobs.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man walks into a bar

and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first blow job". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Singing Blowjob [NSFW]

So this man go to a massage parlor to get a back massage. After the massage, the masseuse offered him a singing blow job. Intrigued, the man accepts. So the masseuse turned off the lights and started giving him a blowjob. Shortly after beginning she starts singing, in a clear and coherent manor. The man was baffled. The next week he decides to go back and find out how she does it. He goes in and gets the same thing. The masseuse does her thing, turns off the lights, and starts giving him a blowjob. When she starts singing the man turns on the lights and sees a glass eye on his lap.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode

πŸ‘πŸΌ

7 shots

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 vodka shots
The bartender asks the man what's the special occasion the man says
" I just experienced my first blow job" .
And the bartender says "congrats how about a 8th shot on the house" and the man goes
" if 7 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he's ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he's so happy.

I just got the best blow job of my life, and I'm marrying the woman who did it! He replies...

Likewise, his bride comes down the aisle grinning ear to ear...

Her maid of honor asks her why she's so happy.

To which she replies: I just gave the last blowjob of my life!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do the English use to blow up their enemies?

Tea N' Tea.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,

"Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife just walked in on me blow drying my ...

My wife just walked in on me blow drying my penis, she looked confused and asked me what I was doing. I now know heating your dinner isn't the right answer

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip (NSFW)

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"

The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room...

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Top 10 worst but funny insults

#10

I'd recommend a brain transplant, but I'm afraid the brain would reject you.

#9

If you're gonna be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.


#8

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.


#7

The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.


#6

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable. Like a coma.


#5

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?


#4

It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.


#3

We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.


#2

Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?


#1

If I had a dog with a face like yours, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cop pulls over a car at a DUI check point...

...notices a strong odor of alcohol and makes the driver blow into a breathalyzer, gets double the limit. The driver says this is a mistake and that his device must be broken and tells him to check his wife. The wife blows double the limit. The driver says his device is definitely broken and he should check the sleeping baby in the back. The cop checks the baby and gets triple the limit. Convinced that his device is malfunctioning, he let's the car go.
"I told you a couple of shots won't hurt him" says the driver to the wife.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mama whale and Papa whale ...

... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand.

Papa whale says to mama whale:

-"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over."

The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary.

He says to mama whale:

-"We should eat them".

Mama whale says:

-"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man approaches a prostitute

"how much for a blow job?"

"$30"

"Can you do 20?"

"sure"

"Great here's $600"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of JΓ€germeister

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of JΓ€germeister.

The bartender looks at him and says "Wow 6 shots of JΓ€ger! You must be celebrating something."

The man replies,"You bet I am! I am celebrating my first blow job."

"Hey congrats man!" says the Bartender "I'll get you a 7th shot on the house"

The man replies "No thank you. If 6 shots of JΓ€ger doesn't get rid of this taste nothing will."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

They say Dress for the job you want.

How do I dress like a blow job?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a .. nsfw

A man walks into a whore house and asks after the madam, inquiring, "how much for a blow job"

The madam replies, "$100, but it is the best blow job of your life"

The man thinks for a moment, places $100 on the counter, unzips his fly and promptly begins to jerk off.

The madam protests, "what are you doing?"

And in reply the man states, "for $100 she isn't getting the easy one".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever and his friend says, Wow! That's the best thing since bread!

The inventor says, Well, I'm about to blow your mind...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Guy Walks Into A Sex Shop....

He asks for a blow up doll.

And the owner asks male or female?

He says male please.

The owner then asks white or black?

He says white please.

The owner finally asks American or Muslim?

The guy asks what's the difference??

The owner replies, the Muslim blows itself up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.

His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.


They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.


The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard and out pops the peanut.


After the boyfriend leaves, the wife remarks, "Wow, that's a smart boy our girl is dating! What do you think he is going to become when he grows up?".


"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law", says the man.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young man goes up to his father and asks him, "Can i have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

Father replies, " i don't know, are you any good?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two gay guys live together

The first guy says, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll hide, and if you find me I'll blow you."

The second guys says, "What if I can't find you?"

He says, "I'll be behind the piano."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.


"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"


The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blowjob makes your day

But anal makes your hole weak.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Muslim started a line of sex toys ...

He specializes in blow up dolls.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A police man stops a car and sees a nerdy little man sitting at the wheel...

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says







"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."







The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."






"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."





"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."






"Well, then we need a urine sample."






"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."







"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."





"I can't do that, officer."



"Why not?"





"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blow-up dolls

I went to my local sex shop last night to get a new blow-up doll. As I was looking at them the clerk came up to me and asked if I needed help?Β 


I said yes and he asked if I wanted a male or female?Β 


I said a female and he asked blonde or brunette?Β 


I said blonde. Then he asked Muslim or Christian?


I asked what's the difference?Β 


He said the Muslim blows itself up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Blow puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Blow? Well, here are the best jokes about Blow to have fun with.

Joko Jokes