Blow Jokes

What are some Blow jokes?

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

I asked my girlfriend to 68 today

She said What's that?

I said That's when you blow me and I owe you one.

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, *"How much for a blow job?"*

She said, *"Thirty dollars."*

I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*

*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.

I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*

What's the difference between a burger, and a blow job?

You don't know?

Let's do lunch sometime!

Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?

She was a lesbian.

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode.

Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I hope it's me this year!

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

What's the definition of trust?

Two gay cannibals giving each other a blow job

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.

Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW]

A blow up doll!

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

She is not a fan.

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

Today I woke up to a blow job..

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common?

They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

What is an extremist's favourite thing to have sex with?

A blow up doll

What are the two most important holes on a woman?

The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a blow job.

*My 10 year old brother told me this today

68

A man urges his wife to try a new sex position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a blow job, and I owe you one"

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.

He was on crack, she was on blow.

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

£20 for a hand job


£50 for a blow job


£80 for sex


And for £120, i'll do anything!


Anything hmmm....


She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

Sex education

Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a blow job was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by.

People hate it, but I'm a fan.

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"My first blow job," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A man comes home to find his wife packing...

He says "Hunny, what are you doing"

"I'm leaving you and going to Vegas!"

"Why?"

"I heard you can make $400 a blow job out there!"

The husband starts packing and his wife asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming with you! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

I like my women like I like my grenades

Hanging around my belt and ready to blow.

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes, and thanks for the tip", the second said.
"Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs?

A headmaster.

Whenever I'm at the therapist's waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I'm a fan.

How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her.

What do female reindeer do for fun?

Go into town and blow a couple hundred bucks.

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

This will blow your mind!

If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.

Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory?

There specialise in blow up dolls

I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.

The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".

The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.

A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

Did you hear ISIS secretly makes sex toys?

They specialise in blow up dolls

What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say?

Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?

A guy asks for a tattoo on his........

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his private parts. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.


He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

How to make Blow jokes?

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