bloody Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bloody puns

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl
"Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool"
Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"

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Female Scotties

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

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Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

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My first school rugby game was a bit like the first time having sex..

I was sore and bloody at the end... But at least my dad came

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True friendship

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

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My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least my dad came (:

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Trust is everything

Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip.
After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students.
They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking.
Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: "I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I'm sure this bloody thing won't even start"

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My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex..

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

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How do you make a Bloody Nicole?

Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ...

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An old woman phones her husband..

An old woman called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's bloody hundreds of them!"

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My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game.

I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.

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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a clearly underaged girl

Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!"






Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

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A woman is waiting for her elderly husband to come home

She turns on the news and sees a live report of a dangerous motorist driving the wrong way down the motorway, so she calls her husband to warn him.

He responds: "Just one? There's bloody hundreds of them!"

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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent, lilting and song-like, appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

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My girlfriend's Aunt Flo is in town.

I really hate that bloody cunt.

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[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

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A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.

It was about bloody time.

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How many bloody corpses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Apparently not six because my basement is still dark.

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He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face

as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, then forwards, then backwards again. Back and
forth, in and out, back and forth...

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay! I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

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What do you call an expensive circumcision?

A bloody rip-off

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Emotionally Abusive Husband

A woman turned to her husband one day and said: 'You're such a mean bastard! All you do is push me around and talk behind my back!!'

To which he retorted: 'Well of course I do! You're in a bloody wheelchair!!'

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Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough, common and bloody stupid.'

'Oh no, Daddy.' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever!'

'Amuse me', the father said.

'Well, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'

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My first football game was like the first time I had sex...

At the end I was bloody but at least my dad came.

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[One liner] How do you make an archaeolgist mad?

Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.

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What does menstruation mean?

A bloody waste of Fucking time.

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A joke my brother made up when he was 13...

Two men were marooned on an island with no food.

After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive.
The other man agrees.

The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws off the second man's legs. The second man, pale and weak, says to the first man. "Alright, now let's get your legs off"

The first man runs away and yells "you have to catch me first!"

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Did you know...

Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror at 3am and shout "Bloody Mary" three times your mother will come to you and tell you to shut the fuck up?

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My First Time Having Sex Was Like My First High School Football Game...

I was bloody and sore by the end of it, but hey, at least my Dad came!

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a used tampon out of his cloak pocket replies "Can't a guy just enjoy a GODDAMNED TEA!?"

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

Each man orders a pint of lager and sits down.

The bartender delivers their beers, and as soon as he does, three large flies that have been buzzing around the bar land in each of their glasses.

"Bloody hell!", says the Englishman in disgust. "What a perfectly good waste of a perfectly fine pint!" And he pushes his beer aside, untouched.

"Ah, no bother." says the Scotsman, who plucks the fly from his beer and flicks it aside. "A wee fly never did me no harm."

Then, both men turn their attention to the Irishman, who is shaking his fly upside down over the glass, and yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YA THIEVING BASTARD!!"

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Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light

...in their car in Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your chest, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"

Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"

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A man walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."

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NSFW? - Definition of a Period

A period is a bloody waste of fucking time! (works in Australia, and probably England)

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What are the most funny Bloody jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bloody? Well, here are the best Bloody dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bloody pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes