Bloody Jokes
30 bloody jokes and hilarious bloody puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bloody that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bloody jokes can make you laugh and cringe at the same time. From jokes about a bloody bag of chips to ones involving a bloody mary period of time, you'll find all kinds of jokes that rely on the word 'bloody'. Learn the difference between hemo, pulp, and bongo; discover some bloody good jokes; and more all in this article.
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Funniest Bloody Short Jokes
Short bloody jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bloody humour may include short bleeding jokes also.
- "Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house"
In addition, locals have told police that he was previously sighted with stumps. - My Mexican cousin who can't speak a word of English just came back from Thailand all bloodied up. I asked him "que paso?" He said muy Thai
- The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said, "Tell him, he's b**... good. I don't have any kids
- The school phoned me today and said, "Your sons been telling lies." "Well, he's b**... good, I ain't got any kids." I replied.
- I don't understand women... One word out of place, just ONE word, and she's packing her b**... bags.
She asked me why I take my wedding ring off before s**.... I just shrugged and said "Habit". - I called my son a b**... disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
- A woman walked up to me holding a bucket Excuse me, I'm collecting for the local swimming pool
Well it'll take you b**... ages to fill it with that - Two nuns are sitting on a park bench Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
'That's a filthy habit'
Sister Carol replies: 'blame Sister Mary, she washes the b**... things'. - b**... h**... He was good My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
- A teacher arrives to work drunk. "Alright class, today we're going to... I don't b**... know. Learn the alphabet"
"Are you okay sir?" enquires one of the pupils.
"It starts A, B, C, D you idiot!"
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Bloody One Liners
Which bloody one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bloody? I can suggest the ones about bleed and brutal.
- These b**... "Among Us" jokes have really run their course! Sorry, I just had to vent.
- What do you call a cheap vasectomy? A b**... ripoff
- A British man says "I've got a b**... nose!!!" His friends reply "yeah, we all do".
- Why don't vampires s**... on the British? Because they taste like b**... h**...
- Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free It's about b**... time.
- Did you hear about that b**... hilarious basketball team? The Hemoglobetrotters?...
- Lack of originality What's a cannibal's favorite drink?
A b**... Mary - What's a British vampires favorite letter? b**... L
- Did you hear about the unintelligent phlebotomist? He was a b**... idiot!
- An old man threw a carton of milk at me today. How b**... dairy.
- What did one British t**... say to the other British t**...? We're b**...-well stuffed.
- Why do kids get b**... noses more often than adults? Sharpe fingernails!
Bloody Mary Jokes
Here is a list of funny bloody mary jokes and even better bloody mary puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two Caucasian Russians walk into a bar The bartender looks up and says sorry, but we don't serve white Russians here
The Russians respond oh that's alright, we'll get 2 b**... Mary's instead - British man: If you like v**... and tomato juice so much... then why don't you b**... mary it!
- How can you tell when the barmaid is not happy with you? There is a string hanging out of your b**... mary.
Bloody Good Jokes
Here is a list of funny bloody good jokes and even better bloody good puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A surgeon friend of mine has just lost his job After he admitted to having s**... with one of his patients. I'm gutted for him as he's a cracking bloke and a b**... good vet.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Bloody Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about bloody you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean filthy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bloody pranks.
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a b**... Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a r**... and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
Jesus is hanging on the cross.
There's a big loud crowd gathered when he's heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he's beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and b**... Matthew makes it to the cross.
Yes lord what do you have to tell me
Jesus replies I can see your house from up here
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...
One nun says to the other Quick sister, show him your cross!
The other nun rolls down the window and yells Get the b**... h**... out of middle of the road a**...!
A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.
He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big b**... deal, I'm four".
A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin
They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.
"What the b**... h**... was that?" he asks.
"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."
"Good God," the Scotsman cries, "if that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"
I'm ready for a holiday.
p**... says to m**...,
I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
m**... asks,
"So what are you going to do this year?"
p**... replies,
"I'll b**... take her with me!"
The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you b**... idiot!"
So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father
A German tourist jumped into a freezing river to save my dog.
After he climbed out, he said. "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine."
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He said. "I'm b**... soaking."
