The Best 58 Bloody Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bloody jokes. There are some bloody british jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bloody bloodshed puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Bloody Jokes and Puns

Two old ladies were attending a church service

And about half way through one says:

"I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

The other woman proceeds to lean over slowly and say:

"Put some new batteries in your bloody hearing aids!"

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.

If you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other, what have you got?

A bloody big moth!

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench

Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
'That's a filthy habit'

Sister Carol replies: 'blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things'.


I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears

Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Bloody joke, The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

I just did a DNA test and found out I'm 50% vampire

I'm so bloody ashamed I can't look at myself in the mirror.

An old man threw a carton of milk at me today.

How bloody dairy.

Irish Shoelace

I've just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you don't trip up over your laces, Paddy.

Paddy says, yeah, it's these bloody instructions.

I said, what instructions, Paddy?

Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says 'Taiwan'.

There was a man named billy, billy worked at a pickle factory. One day billy comes home to his wife and says...

... honey I want to put my pp in the pickle slicer, his wife tells him that's absurd and not to do it and then went to sleep. Billy goes to work the next day and comes home and tells his wife honey I put my pp in the pickle slicer! His wife yelled what happened?! Was it bloody? Did it hurt?! The man tells his wife no, but I got fired and so did she.

You can explore bloody bongo reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bloody bloody nose dad jokes. There are also bloody puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own bloody culture. They bring their own food, spit their own bloody languages, try to take over the whole bloody place."

His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?

The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me

Hot water?

I found a tampon out back and want to make tea

My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.

I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.

Did you hear about that bloody hilarious basketball team?

The Hemoglobetrotters?...

I don't understand women...

One word out of place, just ONE word, and she's packing her bloody bags.

She asked me why I take my wedding ring off before sex. I just shrugged and said "Habit".

Bloody joke, I don't understand women...

The police were called to a crime scene.

They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .


The school phoned me today and said, "Your sons been telling lies."

"Well, he's bloody good, I ain't got any kids." I replied.

What do you call a cheap vasectomy?

A bloody ripoff

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about bloody time.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids

A surgeon friend of mine has just lost his job

After he admitted to having sex with one of his patients. I'm gutted for him as he's a cracking bloke and a bloody good vet.

Too bad punctuations couldn't fight each other. Imagine a match between . and :

I'd pay to see that bloody shit.

A woman walked up to me holding a bucket

Excuse me, I'm collecting for the local swimming pool

Well it'll take you bloody ages to fill it with that

Bloody joke, A woman walked up to me holding a bucket

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all the blood there". The third bat now goes a way and gets back after just a minute looking bloodier than bought of the other bats. "So where did you go"

"You see that lamp over there?"

"Yes"

"Well i didn't see it"

Bloody hell He was good

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.

"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says

"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says

"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says

"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the bloody shop" yells the father


I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...

She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"


i said "that would be bloody lovely".


So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don't you bloody mary it!

How can you tell when the barmaid is not happy with you?

There is a string hanging out of your bloody mary.

Two Caucasian Russians walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says sorry, but we don't serve white Russians here

The Russians respond oh that's alright, we'll get 2 Bloody Mary's instead

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."


Did you hear about the unintelligent phlebotomist?

He was a bloody idiot!

2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other Quick sister, show him your cross!

The other nun rolls down the window and yells Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

What's a British vampires favorite letter?

Bloody L

What's the difference between British English and Australian English?

British English: bloody hell!


Australian English: Β‘llǝΙ₯ ʎpoolq

The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was bloody, it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.

Mr. O'Malley comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he needs to supply a urine sample.

Mr. O'Malley is distraught because he has no idea what a urine sample is. Mr. O'Malley asks his wife to go nextdoor and ask their neighbor for help.

Mrs. O'Malley comes back, beaten, bruised, and bloodied.

"What the bloody hell happened to you, my love!?" exclaims Mr. O'Malley.

"I asked Mrs. Finnegan how you get a urine sample," Mrs. O'Malley explains. "She said, 'Go piss in a cup!' and I said, Go Shit In A Hat! And the fight was on."

Quasimodo is about to ring the bell for 3pm when the rope snaps.

He knows he has to ring it but doesn't know how. Then he has an idea. He takes a big run up and uses his face to ring it. Bloodied and cut he does it again. Battered and bruised he does it one more time, but the bell swings back and knocks him off the tower down to the floor below.

Lying dead in a bloody heap, he's surrounded by towns people. One guy says "who's that?"

His pal said "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

Why don't vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

A teacher arrives to work drunk.

"Alright class, today we're going to... I don't bloody know. Learn the alphabet"

"Are you okay sir?" enquires one of the pupils.

"It starts A, B, C, D you idiot!"

I just saw Paddy in the Supermarket.

I noticed one of his shoelaces was undone, I said watch you don't trip over your laces Paddy.

Paddy says "yeah it's the bloody instructions."

I said, "what instructions Paddy?"

Paddy says, "underneath the shoe, it says "Taiwan."

I was at the bar the other night ...

... and overheard three very big ol' fat women talking at the bar. They all spoke with a heavy brogue accent.

I made an unfortunate assumption that their accents appeared to be Scottish… so I approached and asked, Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?

One of them angrily screeched, It's Wales… you bloody idiot! \*

So I immediately apologized…. and replied, I am so sorry! Are you three whales from Scotland?

And that's the last thing I remember.

I was sacked from a packing factory.

I had a big roll of bubble wrap and I said to the foreman "Boss, what shall I do with this?" He said "Just pop it over there in the corner". Took me all bloody day.

Q: Why did Jordan Peterson cross the road?

A: The answer isn't obvious. It's bloody serious. It's no joke, man.

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.'

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

Here it is said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head No, that's not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it

A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.

He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big bloody deal, I'm four".

Lack of originality

What's a cannibal's favorite drink?


A Bloody Mary

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the bloody madman"

Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.

"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the bloody madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.

"Shut up, you. We all know who the bloody madman is here".

Three lawyers go on a hunting trip…

Two were from Germany, the third was Czechoslovakian. They were about two days into their hunting trip, having a good ol' time when two bears come out of nowhere and devoured the three hunters.

Crime scene investigation was called in after a couple of hikers stumbled across the bloody campsite, and the detective came to the conclusion that the two Germans were eaten up by the female bear.

When asked how he knew, he pointed behind a tent where the second bear was sprawled out dead, with a foot sticking out, and he said, 'well, if you do a dna test, you'll find that the Czech is in the male.'


Thank you. I'm here all night.

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bloody bloodsucking jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bloody period piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes