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Blood Pressure Jokes

74 blood pressure jokes and hilarious blood pressure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about blood pressure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Best Short Blood Pressure Jokes

Short blood pressure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The blood pressure humour may include short heart rate jokes also.

  1. Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more I asked for 120/80 blood pressure
  2. My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure. He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
  3. My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure. He's given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.
  4. I don't ever get blood tests. It's not because I'm afraid of needles or anything.
    It's just that my blood's under enough pressure as is.
  5. Why did the skeptic man have high blood pressure? Because he kept taking advice with a pinch of salt!
  6. I can't believe I was brave enough to skip taking my blood pressure medication. Doing that is not for the faint of heart!
  7. My doctor told me I have to stop touching myself... When I asked why, he said "because I'm trying to take your blood pressure!"
  8. Research reveals that being married protects you from health risks such as high blood pressure, cholesterol and heart disease. Whereas being single protects you from being married.
  9. The world tennis association just added lisinopril and high blood pressure medications in the same class to their banned substances list... Ace inhibitors
  10. Kazakhstan has people with the lowest blood pressure in the world... It's probably because they have so much potassium.

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Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about blood pressure can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of blood pressure puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Blood Pressure One Liners

Which blood pressure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with blood pressure? I can suggest the ones about blood sugar and pressure.

  1. Women are like the salt of my life They raise my blood pressure
  2. What's up with peanut allergies? Not that kid's blood pressure
  3. The doctor asked me if I knew I had a high blood pressure I told him Na
  4. - Doc, how did you know that I have high blood pressure? - You make mosquitoes explode!
  5. Is high blood pressure contagious? Because I think I'm getting it from my patients.
  6. Slit your wrists, it will lower your blood pressure.
  7. What are red heads? Blonds with high blood pressure.
  8. What's a crips biggest health concern High bloods pressure
  9. What has high blood pressure and triggers illogical ranting easily? Salty Feminists
  10. why does bill Cosby have high blood pressure? Because he likes assault to much
  11. What do you call a really pompous person with high blood pressure? Hyperpretentious
  12. My granddad got high blood pressure I told him he's a bit old to join a gang.
  13. What do you call it when a s**... gangster gives you an ultimatum? High blood pressure.
  14. My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication it was a tough pill to s**...

Hilarious Blood Pressure Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about blood pressure you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean blood drive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make blood pressure prank.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Are my t**... black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**...
in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

The Lawyer and the Witness

doctor being questioned as a witness:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Courtroom joke

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

t**.... (Not sure if a repost, found this joke on a fb page)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results -back?

Witness in a trial

In a trial, a doctor who had performed the autopsy on the victim was called up to the stand by the prosecuting lawyer. After the doctor swears not to lie, he takes his seat getting ready to answer the lawyer's questions.
**Lawyer:** "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
**Doctor:** "No."
**Lawyer:** "Did you check for blood pressure?"
**Doctor:** "No."
**Lawyer:** "Did you check for breathing?"
**Doctor:** "No."
**Lawyer:** "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
**Doctor:** "No."
**Lawyer:** "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
**Doctor:** "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
**Lawyer:** "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
**Witness:** "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

The Autopsy Trial

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

During a lady's medical examination...

The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't t**... clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!
 
 
 
 
 
                        1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
 
 
 
                        2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT-    USE THE SINK.
 
 
 
                        3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
 
 
 
                        4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
 
 
 
                        5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
 
 
 
                        6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – OIL AND DUCT TAPE.    IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE OIL.     IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
 
 
 
                        7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
 
 
 
                        DAILY THOUGHT:
 
 
 
                        SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

Nurse, are mt t**... black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**...
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

What did he say???

Old Frank has a doctor's appointment for a checkup, but his hearing is bad so his wife Loretta goes with him.
"I'm going to check your blood pressure, Frank," the doctor says.
"What did he say?"; Frank asked Loretta.
"Your blood pressure, Frank!" she yelled in his ear, "He wants to check your blood pressure!"
"Now I'm going to listen to your heart, Frank," the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your heart, Frank, he wants to listen to your heart!" she yells in his ear.
"Okay, Frank, now I need a u**... sample and a f**... sample, " the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your shorts, Frank! He wants your shorts!"

A group of senior citizens were talking...

...at the breakfast table in a Palm Springs nursing home.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills makes me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He's called in to the exam room and sits on the table. The nurse comes in, takes his blood pressure, height, weight, and asks a few general health questions and scribbles answers on a form. The doctor comes in, holding the form. He looks at the man and says "Sir you have to stop m**...".
"What? Why?" The man replies.
"Because I'm trying to examine you"

Black t**...?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... in the other.. Then, she takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful – but please listen very, very closely to me: 'Are – my – test – results – back?"

Shingles

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the n**... and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

Are My t**... Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my t**... black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my t**...
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his t**... in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

not necessary to have a high IQ to be an attorney?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Man goes to see his doctor..

The doctor remarked on his patient's, ruddy complexion.
I know, the patient, It's high blood pressure, it's from my family.
Your mother's side, or father's side? questioned the doctor.
Neither, it's my wife's side.
What? the doctor said, that can't be, how can you get it from your wife's family?"
"Well, you should meet them sometime."

I never thought that my blood pressure goes up because of water...

After I saw my monthly bill!!!

105 Year Old Mae

Her granddaughter asked her how she lived so long, Mae replied "For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps."
"When do you drink water?" the granddaughter asked
"I've never been that sick."

A guy goes to the doctor...

The doctor says "You have to stop m**...."
The guy says "Why?"
The doctor says "...because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."

I am addicted to having money in the bank...

...I really do suffer from withdrawals. First I get the Bens, then my blood-pressure goes up by a quarter and if it's really bad I start having FDI-seizures

Visit to the doctor

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. 
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. 
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

Why didn't the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy's high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

The good news is . . .

I got up this morning and took my blood pressure and cholesterol medicine but later found out they were the wrong medicines. The good news is I don't have to worry about worms or fleas for the next three months.

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor What's up, doc?
The doctor replies Your blood pressure, Bugs.
And if I don't get it sorted out?
The doctor, visually distraught, answers: That's all, folks.

I know a joke about nitric oxide

Every time I tell it though my skin turns red and I sometimes see spots.
See, because nitric oxide is a vasodilator that increases blood flow and lowers blood pressure? Yeah I know, it's way too complicated for a joke, that's why most people just say NO

An Attorney and a Doctor in court...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"

Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"

"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.
"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.
"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.
Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood pressure is incredibly high," she said.
"What do you expect?" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "Before I came here I was tall and thin. Now I'm short and fat!"

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds v**.... "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these blood pressure jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.