Blood Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Blood jokes. There are some blood blood clot jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these blood blood donation puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Great Blood Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used tampon and replies, "I'm having tea."

jokes about blood

Whatever you do in life, give 100%...

unless you're giving blood.

What is The Fonz's blood type?

A

Two red blood cells met and fell in love

but alas, it was in vein.

Blood joke, Two red blood cells met and fell in love

What's Autocorrect's blood type?

typo negative

Jesus at Last Supper

*breaks bread* This is my body

*pours wine* This is my blood

*opens jar of mayo*...

Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there

What type of blood does a keyboard have?

Typo

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

You can explore blood blood test reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean blood blood transfusion dad jokes. There are also blood puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

They told me i had type A blood.

But it was a type O.

Whatever you do, always give 100%

Unless you're donating blood

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

What kind of blood did the mna have who culdn't spel right?

Typo.

Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.

"It's irony."

Blood joke, Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

Jesus holds up the bread...

Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."

Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."

After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"

I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth

I never realized just how much blood I was eating

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

What blood type do happy people have?

B Positive.

I have bathed in the blood of virgins!

I had a nosebleed in the shower.

I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she should understand what rejection feels like.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

Which blood type was created by mistake?

Type O.

Blood joke, Which blood type was created by mistake?

You'd think glass would taste like rocks..

But it just tastes like blood.

I just farted so hard that blood came out

of the person behind me.

Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says B positive .

I never misspell words.

My blood is typo negative

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

"Give blood, give blood, give blood" everyone says...

And then they're all freaked out when they unwrap their presents.

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

The last time I was someone's type.

I was donating blood.

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky.

My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type

He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"

Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

My son made it through a blood transfusion, so I bought him a 50β€³ HDTV...

He loves his new plasma...

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, *Why??*

He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

I'll never forget my dad's last words...

He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.

"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

My dad died this day last year because we didn't know his blood type to get a transfusion..

As he was dying he kept saying be positive but it was just so hard without him :/

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."

"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.

"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."

Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood

The nurse asks, what's your blood type?

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: What's your blood group?

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all the blood there". The third bat now goes a way and gets back after just a minute looking bloodier than bought of the other bats. "So where did you go"

"You see that lamp over there?"

"Yes"

"Well i didn't see it"

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache Day!"

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting be positive , but it's hard without him.

I wish I could donate blood, but last time there were so many questions.

"Whose blood is this?"
"Where did you get it?"
"Was the bucket sanitized first?"

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.'

I donate my O- blood as often as allowed, but I don't do it to help others.

The blood donation center is just the only place I can go where I'm everyone's type.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk in to a blood donation clinic

The nurse asked the rabbit, What's your blood type?
I'm probably a type-O said the rabbit.

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

A priest, a lawyer, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank...

... and the nurse asks, "what types are you?"

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O."

A vampires favorite ship

Is a blood vessel.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank..

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type o."

Vampires suck your blood to get vitamin D, because they can not be out in the sun.

Have you ever thought about that?

No, because all you think about is yourself.

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

Whose blood is this?!"

Where did you get it?!"

A rabbit, an imam, and a priest walk into a blood test centre.

A nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, Do you know what blood type you are? The rabbit responds with: I think I might be a Type-O.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.

The priest says- I'm a type A


The minister says- I'm a type B


The rabbit says- I think I'm a typo

My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to be positive, but it's hard without her.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go to donate blood at their local bloodbank.

When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.

The priest thinks and says I believe I am a type A positive

The minister says I'm quite certain I'm a type B negative

The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says I think I'm a type O

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit are in a car wreck

They are rushed to the hospital where it becomes clear that the priest and the pastor will need blood to survive. The priest has blood type A, while the pastor has type B. By the grace of God they are saved, as type Os can donate to both.

A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?

The Blood Vessel

Beware of certain doctors

I went to the doctor to have blood drawn and he bit my neck and now I am very sensitive to daylight and I have suddenly become very thirsty at night.

Whatever you do, avoid Dr. Acula!

What's the difference between a lawyer and head lice?

One is a blood sucking parasite that is hard to get out of your hair, and the other can be killed with a special shampoo.

What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record

He made a type o

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

A conquistador was talking to a native about the superiority of his civilization.

"Unlike you savages we do not partake in cannibalism or human sacrifice. Now eat your body and blood of Christ or we'll burn you at the stake!"

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"

That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more

I asked for 120/80 blood pressure

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the blood period blood puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working blood giving blood piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes