Blood Jokes

What are some Blood jokes?

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she should understand what rejection feels like.

I have bathed in the blood of virgins!

I had a nosebleed in the shower.

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.

"It's irony."

My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type

He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

The last time I was someone's type.

I was donating blood.

"Give blood, give blood, give blood" everyone says...

And then they're all freaked out when they unwrap their presents.

Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says B positive .

What's Autocorrect's blood type?

typo negative

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, *Why??*

He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky.

A woman and a man standing in an elevator...

The man asks: "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to donate my blood"
"How much do they pay for that" - asks the man
"About $30"
"Wow, all that blood for $30? I'm going to donate sperm now, and the sperm bank is giving me $100". Frustrated, the woman leaves the elevator.
The next day they meets again, and the man says: "Nice to meet you again, where are you heading today?". "Two teh spehm bahnk" - she replies with her mouth full

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

I just farted so hard that blood came out

of the person behind me.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

What blood type do happy people have?

B Positive.

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used tampon and replies, "I'm having tea."

What is The Fonz's blood type?

A

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

What type of blood does a keyboard have?

Typo

They told me i had type A blood.

But it was a type O.

Whatever you do in life, give 100%...

unless you're giving blood.

I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth

I never realized just how much blood I was eating

Jesus holds up the bread...

Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."

Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."

After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"

Two red blood cells met and fell in love

but alas, it was in vein.

My son made it through a blood transfusion, so I bought him a 50″ HDTV...

He loves his new plasma...

I'll never forget my dad's last words...

He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

Which blood type was created by mistake?

Type O.

I never misspell words.

My blood is typo negative

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

Whatever you do, always give 100%

Unless you're donating blood

What kind of blood did the mna have who culdn't spel right?

Typo.

Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

My dad died this day last year because we didn't know his blood type to get a transfusion..

As he was dying he kept saying be positive but it was just so hard without him :/

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?

Because it's handmade.

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"

Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

Jesus at Last Supper

*breaks bread* This is my body

*pours wine* This is my blood

*opens jar of mayo*...

Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there

You'd think glass would taste like rocks..

But it just tastes like blood.

There's now a morning after pill for guys.

It changes your blood type.

What's the most commonly misspelt blood group?

Type-O

What is a bad speller's blood type?

Typo

I tell you what makes my blood boil,

faulty spacesuits.

Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.

About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".

"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."

"Yeah?", says his buddy.

He replies, "Well.....I didn't".

My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming.

Now there is blood everywhere.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

My uncle died yesterday because we didn't know what blood type he was...

He kept saying B positive, but it'll be really hard without him.

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type in time give him a transfusion

As he died he kept telling us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

A guy goes to the doctor...

The doctor says "You have to stop masturbating."

The guy says "Why?"

The doctor says "...because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."

Two bats...

were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".

He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.

Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".

The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".

"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.

"Then you see a tree"

"Yeah"

"Well, I didn't".

Well I was going to donate blood today until....

the lady got all personal and started asking, "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house

He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.

'Is it moving?' they asked.

'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'

The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

Dirty Joke

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

I was born pessimist

My Blood Group is B negative

You can hear the blood in your veins

if you listen varicosely

I've always hated donating blood.

They always ask way too many questions. Like, "Where did you get the blood" or "Whose blood is this". Like come on, I'm donating just be grateful.

Today I decided to donate blood...

After the procedure I asked the nurse what my blood type was out of curiosity. She told me I was type A so I thanked her and left. As I was walking out the door she came sprinting after me and said Wait, I told you the wrong blood type on accident, it was a type O.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a urine sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!

My first sexual experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.

There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

Lessons.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.

Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"

Bartender says "coming right up"

Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"

After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.

The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"

Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"

Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"

Vampire 3 takes a used tampon out of his coat pocket and responds

"I'm having tea"

Why did the red blood cell misspell his name?

It was a type-o.

How to make Blood jokes?

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