The Best 89 Blood Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Blood jokes. There are some blood menstrual jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these blood vampire puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Blood Jokes and Puns

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

Blood joke, I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used tampon and replies, "I'm having tea."

Whatever you do in life, give 100%...

unless you're giving blood.


Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.

About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".

"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."

"Yeah?", says his buddy.

He replies, "Well.....I didn't".

A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house

He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.

'Is it moving?' they asked.

'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'

Blood joke, A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house

What is The Fonz's blood type?

A

There's now a morning after pill for guys.

It changes your blood type.

Two red blood cells met and fell in love

but alas, it was in vein.

What's Autocorrect's blood type?

typo negative

You can explore blood hemogoblin reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean blood clots dad jokes. There are also blood puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Jesus at Last Supper

*breaks bread* This is my body

*pours wine* This is my blood

*opens jar of mayo*...

Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there

What type of blood does a keyboard have?

Typo

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

They told me i had type A blood.

But it was a type O.

Whatever you do, always give 100%

Unless you're donating blood

Blood joke, Whatever you do, always give 100%

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

What kind of blood did the mna have who culdn't spel right?

Typo.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.


Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.

"It's irony."

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

What's the most commonly misspelt blood group?

Type-O

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

Jesus holds up the bread...

Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."

Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."

After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"

I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth

I never realized just how much blood I was eating

Two bats...

were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".

He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.

Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".

The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".

"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.

"Then you see a tree"

"Yeah"

"Well, I didn't".

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

I tell you what makes my blood boil,

faulty spacesuits.

What blood type do happy people have?

B Positive.

Well I was going to donate blood today until....

the lady got all personal and started asking, "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

I have bathed in the blood of virgins!

I had a nosebleed in the shower.

A guy goes to the doctor...

The doctor says "You have to stop masturbating."

The guy says "Why?"

The doctor says "...because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."

I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she should understand what rejection feels like.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

Which blood type was created by mistake?

Type O.

You'd think glass would taste like rocks..

But it just tastes like blood.

I just farted so hard that blood came out

of the person behind me.

Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says B positive .

I never misspell words.

My blood is typo negative

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming.

Now there is blood everywhere.

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

"Give blood, give blood, give blood" everyone says...

And then they're all freaked out when they unwrap their presents.

(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?

Because it's handmade.

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

The last time I was someone's type.

I was donating blood.

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky.

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type

He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"

Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

My son made it through a blood transfusion, so I bought him a 50″ HDTV...

He loves his new plasma...

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, *Why??*

He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type in time give him a transfusion

As he died he kept telling us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

I'll never forget my dad's last words...

He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

My uncle died yesterday because we didn't know what blood type he was...

He kept saying B positive, but it'll be really hard without him.

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

What is a bad speller's blood type?

Typo

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.

"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

My dad died this day last year because we didn't know his blood type to get a transfusion..

As he was dying he kept saying be positive but it was just so hard without him :/

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."

"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.

"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."

Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

Today I found out that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood

The nurse asks, what's your blood type?

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: What's your blood group?

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all the blood there". The third bat now goes a way and gets back after just a minute looking bloodier than bought of the other bats. "So where did you go"

"You see that lamp over there?"

"Yes"

"Well i didn't see it"

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache Day!"

What's the blood type of a keyboard

A type-O

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

Two bats are going for their midnight feed

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

[Long] A redneck was walking with its dog...

A redneck was walking with his dog, when another dog starts to pick a fight with the redneck's dog, the redneck's dog with just one bite kills the other dog.

A lot of people get scared, cause there's a lot of blood and carnage, them a guy asks the redneck "What is your dog's breed?"

To wich the Redneck responds "Before we cut the tail it was a gator"

So my dad died last year

We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.

Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better place.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

English Football joke.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a

breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man

is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'

So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then

pulls out another card which read 'this man is anemic, please

do not take his blood'. Finally the police, getting pissed off asks

him to take a urine test, finally the man pulled out his

Manchester United season ticket which read 'this man is a

Manchester United fan, please do not take the piss.

(Edit works with other teams as well.)

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Because they often have to draw blood!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the blood bloodsucking jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working blood blod piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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