Blonde Woman Jokes
87 blonde woman jokes and hilarious blonde woman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about blonde woman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Blonde Woman Short Jokes
Short blonde woman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The blonde woman humour may include short blonde girl jokes also.
- If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you... Gingerly
- Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror? To see how she looks like when sleeping.
- Ad in the local paper: 25 year old woman, very attractive, beautiful blonde hair, perfect measurements, intelligent, with good sense of humor and stable income - Selling dump truck.
- I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman. Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid.
- I was at the Post Office.... When I saw a blonde woman shouting into an envelope.
I asked, "what are you doing ??"
The blonde replied, "Sending a voice mail".... - Did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone? The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film.
- A blonde woman calls the airport - Good morning! How much time will it take for me to get from Los Angeles to New York?
- Just a moment.
- And back? - A blonde woman files for devorce Against her cheating husband affiliated with the mob. She found out he was sleeping with the fishes.
- A Blonde Woman Asks For A $6000 Loan And the bartender says, "Look, lady. Do you want something to drink or not?"
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Blonde Woman One Liners
Which blonde woman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with blonde woman? I can suggest the ones about blonde police woman and blonde mom.
- Why a blonde woman can't call the 911? Because she dont find the 11
- What does a blonde woman is doing with her ear bonded to the wall ? Listening *house*.
- What do you call an old woman with alzheimer's Blond
(Thought of that one just now) - An Irish, blind, gay, paraplegic blonde woman is wheeled into a bar.. "Ow!"
- Why was the American blonde woman stabbing a ruler? Someone told her to kill-a-meter.
- What kind of STD does a blonde woman give you? h**...-n-derp-es
Cheeky Blonde Woman Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about blonde woman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean blonde hair jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make blonde woman pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman stands on a boardwalk...
She notices a man below looking up her dress.
"You, sir, are no gentleman!"
"And you, lady, are no blonde!"
dumb blonde
A blond walk into a hair salon with headphones on and sits down in a chair. The blonde asks the woman working there for a haircut. The woman takes of the headphones and cuts the blondes hair. After she is finished she looks down and to her surprise finds the blonde dead. The woman puts on the headphones and hears this "Breathe in.....Breathe out.....Breath in.......Breath out"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brazilian people killed.
One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many sheep?
A blonde woman is tired of people assuming she's s**... and dyes her hair red. Feeling empowered, she goes for a car ride down a country road. Soon she sees a farm with hundreds of sheep. She walks up to the owner of the farm and makes this proposal: "These sheep are adorable, if I guess how many there are, can I keep one?" The farmer agrees, surely out of all the sheep this woman can't guess the number exactly. She looks around and replies "There are 593 sheep" The farmer is awe-struck, the number was exactly right. So the woman picks her sheep and is getting back in the car when the farmer runs up to her and yells "WAIT! If I can guess your natural color can I have him back?" The woman smiles and agrees, she already proved she's too smart to be called a blonde. The farmer replies "you're a blonde, now can I have my dog back?"
a pregnant woman and a blonde woman...
are talking, and the pregnant woman says that she is pregnant with twins. So the blonde woman asks, "Oh my gosh! You cheated on your husband?? Who's the second father?"
A blonde takes her goldfish to the vet...
And she tells the receptionist that she needs to see the vet right away. So the vet comes out and the blonde woman tells him that he has been having seizures.
The vet looked the fish over and said "Well, he looks okay to me,"
and the blonde replies "No, no, you've got to take him out of the water first!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a blonde woman and a blonde man...
The blonde woman generally has a much higher s**... count.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a cocktail party...
an obstetrician's wife noticed that another guest, a big, oversexed blonde in a slinky red dress, was making overtures at her husband. As it was a large, informal gathering, she tried to laugh it off, until she saw the woman begin whispering into her husband's ear while her hand caressed his back.
At once she confronted the blonde b**... and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
A blind man walks into a bar...
and orders his drink. While he's waiting he asks: "Hey! Do you want to hear a blonde joke?". The woman next to him answers: " I'm blond and had the worst day ever. The bartender is a blonde and has plenty of brawn and next to you sits also a blond biker. Do you really want to tell this joke?" The blind man says: "No, not any more. I don't want to explain the joke a thousand times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
A beautiful blonde woman ...
... was pulled over by a policeman.
"Is there a problem, officer?" she asked.
"Yes. There is no red light on your car. You can`t go driving around without one," came the answer.
"Oh officer. You are mistaken," she explained. "I will have you know that I am not in that kind of profession."
A trucker and a blonde.
A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.
"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.
He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.
"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.
The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Blondes and Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
* The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
* The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...
I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
-----
Steve Wright
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... family was visiting the city...
...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
A genie appears to a blonde woman
A genie appears to a blonde woman and offers her one wish. The blonde says "You know, I've slept with more men than I can count. I wish I knew exactly how many it was."
The Genie replies "Four."
A nerd rides up to his friend on a new bike.
The friend asks "Wow! Where'd you get the cool bike?"
The guy replies "A beautiful blond woman rode up to me on it, then took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted!"
The friend says "Good call, dude! The clothes would never have fit!"
A blonde woman waves a cab
She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"
The brunette, the redhead, and the blonde.
One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were set to be executed. They lined the three woman up in front of a firing squad. First, they brought the brunette up. Ready, aim. But just before they shoot she shouts "Earthquake!" and in the commotion she escapes. Once the chaos dies down they bring up the redhead. Ready, aim."Tornado!" and she escapes. Then they bring the blonde up. By that time the blonde has caught on. Ready aim, and she shouts "Fire"!
A statistician and an engineer...
A mathematician and an engineer are standing about 20 feet away from an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman who is eyeing them both seductively.
She says to them, "Every time you approach me, you may only travel half the distance between us. Will you ever reach me?"
The mathematicitian says, "No, I'd never be able to reach her."
The engineer smiles and says, "Close enough."
A blonde woman's first day at live software support..
She was giving help to customers through live chats.
She eventually got sick and busted right into the boss's office.
Woman: This is infuriating! Every time I try to help someone resolve their problems, they just hang up on me!
Boss: Whoa, whoa.... Relax. Okay, tell me what exactly happened? Did you say something to them?
Woman: Well, all I did was ask them to try restarting their computer!
The clear coast
A married couple is in bed asleep when the phone rings at 2AM.
The blonde wife answers and listens for a second and then shouts into the phone, "How should I know that's 150 miles from here!!!"
At that the husband rolls over and asks "who was that?"
The wife replied, "I don't know, some dumb woman wanting to know if the coast is clear!"
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....
"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.
Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"
"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."
Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."
A blonde woman finds a dead body...
Immediately, she calls the police.
She says, "Hello, I have found a dead body"
The 911 operator replies, "Ok. Thank you for letting us know. Can you tell me the street on which you found it?"
She looks around and says, "Eucalyptus Street"
The operator asks, "Can you spell it for me?"
The blonde women thinks, and tells the operator, "Don't worry, I'll just move it to Smith Street"
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blonde woman was speeding
down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
A blonde woman dyes her hair red....
A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A man in need of a brain
A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price.
The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar
The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar
The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar
The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive
The doctor replies: because it's never used
A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital
She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"
Blondes..
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!
A cop is walking down the street and notices
A cop is walking down the street and notices a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? he asked.
The blonde woman replied, I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it.
The cop asked, Did you drop it right here?
No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.
A blind man walks into a bar
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
The Valentine's Day Blonde
A woman receives a huge bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend at the office and is clearly upset about it. Her co-workers ask what's wrong.
She replies, very annoyed: "This is just great. Now I guess I'll have to spend the whole evening on my back, with my legs in the air!"
The blonde says, "That's awful! Don't you have a vase?"
A blonde woman walks into a shop
A blonde woman walks into a shop and says
"I'd like to buy that tv"
The man replies
"You cannot"
The woman replies
"Why not?"
The man says "because you're blonde"
So, the woman walks out and dyes her hair brown and returns later that day. She says to the man
"I'd like to buy that tv"
He replies
"You cant because you're blonde"
She says
"What?! How do you know??!"
He says
Because that's not a TV that's a microwave"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is a blonde woman not able to breaststroke?
Because she turns on her back when she gets wet.
A blonde scientist anounces that she has discovered that birds can read.
"Yes, that's right everybody, I have discovered that birds can read," the blonde says to the media.
"How could you possibly find that out?" a woman asks.
"Well, these birds kept running into my bedroom window. So I put up a big, big sign in the window saying 'DO NOT RUN INTO. THIS IS A WINDOW.' That was two months ago. A bird hasn't run into my window since that day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is a magic mirror that will make anyone who lies disappear.
First, an old lady stands before it and tells herself, "I think I look young." And *p**...* she vanishes.
Next, an ugly woman looks at her reflection and says, "I think I am beautiful." And *p**...* she also disappears.
Then, a blonde woman takes her turn with the mirror. "I think..." and *p**...* she's gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde woman is at the doctor's office
Blonde: I can't pregnant!
Doctor: Okay, how often do you and your boyfriend have s**...?
Blonde: Every night!
Doctor: Do you use any sort of protection?
Blonde: No. And I even s**... every time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store,
A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that p**... Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"
A blond American woman travels to Australia...
To meet her boyfriend. They go out on a date and he decides to take her out to a restaurant.
They have a good time and are finished eating, so the guy calls for the bill.
The woman suddenly says "Wait -- when did we start a game of chess? And how did you win so quickly?"
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
A blond man walks into a bar
He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.
"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"
She says, "I'm Amanda."
The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
A blonde went to an Alaskan sledding race.
She stood near a brunette as the race began. "There is absolutely *nothing* sexier than a man in a doggy-sled race," she said, biting her lip.
"Iditarod," the brunette corrected her.
The blonde woman scoffed. "So? I've used a cucumber, but this is still hotter."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blind/blonde joke
A blind guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a while, he asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but before you start you should know, I'm blonde. The woman on your left is a blonde, and the man on your right has a black belt in karate and is also blonde.... Are you SURE you want to tell a blonde joke in here?" The blind man replies, "Nah, not if I have to explain it three times."
A blonde woman showed up to her doctor's office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes
The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.
The blonde woman replied, I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop
A man and a blonde woman are talking about their children while waiting for them at nursery.
Man: How many kids do you have here mam?
Blonde: Oh I have two toddlers. What about you?
Man: I have one that's just under two.
Blonde: Look I know I'm a blonde, but I know how much one is.
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde Woman Wants To Look Young Again
A blonde woman heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
The milkman read the note, and thought there must be a mistake. He asked the women if she meant 2.5 gallons.
The blonde woman said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want the milk to be pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my b**.... I can splash it on my eyes."
A blonde is walking past a pasture
Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accidents, don't hurt each other, don't get tangled into branches or fences or simialr. We do that by either sawing them off of putting a drop of acid on the horns when they are still young so they don't grow. But those particular cows don't have horns because they are horses."
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.
Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. It's women like you who make blondes look s**.... If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your a**...!
A guy in a dimly lit bar turns to the woman next to him and says hey you want to hear a blonde joke?
The woman responds, before you tell your blonde joke, let me tell YOU something. I'm a professional MMA fighter and I'm blonde. The woman next to me is a professional kickboxer and she's blonde too. Oh and next to her, a judo instructor. Also blonde. You still want to tell me that blonde joke?
The man turns back to his beer. Ughh. Not if I have to explain it THREE times.
A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"
"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.
"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."
When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."
This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, "Where are you from?"
The brunette haughtily replies, "I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition."
The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, "Where are you from, b**...?"
A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.
A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person? The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance. The blonde says I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the guy on your lap.
9th August 2021: a blond American woman is at the Canadian immigration counter......
The immigration officer is puzzled for a minute and then the light comes on.
"Thank you ma'am for that view but it is vaxxed not waxed'
A blonde woman calls a divorce lawyer.
Lawyer: Why do you want a divorce?
Blonde: My husband's been cheating on me.
Lawyer: He's been cheating on you? What makes you say that?
Blonde: He isn't the father of my son.
A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,
The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new house outside of town, on a new development.
Fire Chief: we don't seem to have your address on our systems, tell us how to get there.
Blonde: Hellllloooooooooo in your fkn red truck !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf b**...
He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, It's golf b**....
The blonde looked at him compassionately and said:
Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow
A blonde driver and a blonde cop....
A blonde woman is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over by a blonde cop, the cop goes up to the blonde's window and says "I need to see your license ma'am." The driver says she doesn't know what that is and the lady officer says "It's that little thing in your purse with your face in it." The driver pulls out her compact mirror and holds it up to the cop, "You mean this?" The blonde cop looks at the mirror and says, "I'm so sorry ma'am, I didn't know you were a cop, have a nice day."
A blonde woman goes to the shop and sees a TV
She asks the employee if she can buy that TV. The employer says they don't sell to blondes.
So she dyes her hair brown and comes back with the same request. The employee again says they don't sell to blondes.
So she dyes her hair black and comes back for a third time. The employee says they don't sell to blondes. The blonde, now very annoyed, asks the employee how he knew she was blonde.
The employee says ma'am, that's a microwave
A woman drives a car
A blonde woman drives a car and hits a cop. She stops and checks if he's still alive, no vital signs. Panicked, she calls the emergency service.
W: *Hello, is this 911?*
D: *Yes, this is 911, what's your emergency?*
W: *You're now 910.*
A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she's pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver's license.
Driver's license? the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse, the blonde cop explains patiently.
Oh, that! the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, you're free to go…I didn't realize you were a cop!
Pulled Over
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew the breathalyzer and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
An Amish man and his son are at a mall.
They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off. The man turns to his son and says, "Go get your mother."
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A highly successful blonde business woman was headed west
She was on her way to a work conference, driving through Arkansas.
As she's cruising along she comes across a farm and out in the middle of the field is a blonde in a rowboat, surrounded by cows, rowing like mad and going nowhere.
She's p**.... She pulls over and jumps out of her car, runs up to the fence, and begins shouting.
"I don't know who the h**... you are, but you're giving all of us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come over there and kick your a**...!"
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!
The officer laughs and says, Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!
The wife replies: Bullsht! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!
