Blonde Moment Jokes

One day a blonde woman entered an autobody shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new car.
The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents.
He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they’d all pop out.
The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway.
She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing.
After hearing the whole story the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down. Your personal check for the full $30,000.”

A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape the women's prison...

(I don't know why my friends like this one so much, feel free to tell them it's awful and confirm my opinion.)
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape the women's prison late one night. With the police hot on their heels, they decide to hide in an abandoned factory. Splitting up, they all take their various hiding places in the factory just as the police kick down the door.
The police begin to search, and they hear a noise coming from an old crate. The redhead, who is hiding in the crate, hears them approach and quickly barks, "WOOF, WOOF". "Oh, it's just a stray dog," says an officer and continues the search. Nearby the police hear some rattling from within a pile of old manufacturing equipment. The brunette, who is amid the equipment, quickly does her best cat imitation, "MEOW, MEOW". "Nothing but an old cat," says one of the police as they continue the search.
At last, in the back of the factory, the police hear some rustling coming from a large burlap sack, which they surround and demand, "Who's in there? Come out!" The blonde, who is inside, having heard her fellow escapees successes thinks to herself for a moment and then says, "POOOOTAAAATOOOO."

The jigsaw puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then...", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

Another blonde joke.

A blonde has her hair dyed brown. A few days later she's out driving through the countryside when she stops her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she says to the shepherd, If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one? The shepherd agrees, so the blonde thinks for a moment and says, 352. The shepherd is amazed, You're right! Which sheep do you want? The blonde picks the cutest animal. The shepherd says to her, Okay. How's this for a bet? If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?

A massive hailstorm ravages a town...

...leaving plenty of damage in its wake. A blonde takes her hailstone-dented car to a body shop to have the dents removed.
The body shop owner is already swamped with work due to the storm, and decides to have some fun with her. He tells the blonde: "You know, you don't have to pay me to have these removed. All you have to do is go home and blow into the tailpipe - all of your dents will pop out."
The blonde drives home, parks in her driveway, and blows into the tailpipe. Over and over she tries and tries, huffing and puffing but to no avail. The girl's roommate, another blonde, arrives home to see the first blonde laying in the driveway completely winded and asks what's going on. The first blonde explains what the mechanic told her, before ending with "I've been at this for an hour, but it's not working."
Roommate looks at the car for a moment before turning to the first blonde and says, "no duh it's not working! Your windows are open!!"
EDIT - grammar

Bad memory

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “"What’s wrong?”" The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says," I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” "
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”"
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “"I can’t remember where I live!”"

Typical dumb blonde...

Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this great nation." Billy-Bob replied, "But we just don't have a ladder!"
The blonde looks up, turns around and walks off, only to return moments later with a screw-driver and measuring tape. The blonde proceeds to unscrew the flagpole from the base, lay it on its side, measure it, and return the pole back to its upright position. The blonde smiles at Billy-Bob and Jimmy, exclaiming happily:
"That flagpole is exactly 15 feet long!" She turns and continues on her way, happy with her effort and goodwill.
Billy-Bob turns to Jimmy, shaking his head at their wasted time. "Isn't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding...

..even though she has had neither lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In t**..., she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Three nuns die and go to heaven...

...where St. Peter greets them and informs them that in order to get into heaven, they must answer a question apeice. The first nun, who happens to be a novice nun, goes first.
"For you," says Peter, "an easy question, because of your short time as a nun. Who were the first two people?"
"That's easy," replies the nun excitedly. "Adam and Eve."
"Congratulations," says Peter, "You're in." He beckons the second nun forward. The second nun has been with the church for ten years and knows quite a bit about her religion.
"For you," says Peter, "a moderately difficult question. What color was Eve's hair?"
"I've never... I've never actually studied that," replies the nun. "But I'll take a guess. Blonde?"
"Great job," says Peter. "You're in."
He turns to the third nun, who was the head nun of her church. "And for you, a most difficult question indeed. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in Paradise?"
After a moment of thinking, the nun looks stumped. "Gosh, that's a hard one."
"Congratulations, you're in."

Blond who wanted to ride horses.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In t**..., she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

A blonde and a lawyer

are sitting next to each other on a plane. To pass the time, the lawyer suggests playing a game that tests general knowledge. The blonde is reluctant, but finally agrees when the lawyer offers to give her 10 to 1 odds. "Every time you don't know the answer to one of my questions, you have to give me 5 dollars," he says "every time I don't know the answer to one of your questions, I have to give you 50."
The lawyer starts, "how far is the earth from the sun?" The blonde doesn't know. She gives him 5 dollars and the lawyer replies, "the earth is 92,960,000 miles from the sun."
The blonde asks the lawyer, "what goes up a hill with 3 legs, and comes back down with 4?" The lawyer thinks for a moment, but is unable to come up with an answer. He hands her a 50 dollar bill. The blonde takes it, puts it in her purse, and looks back at the lawyer.
"Well?" The lawyer asks, "what was the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde hands him 5 dollars.

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...

The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.
10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde...
20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...
Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...
After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the cops...

when the ladies duck into the proverbial farmhouse off the main road to hide.
They see three huge wooden barrels, and each climb into one to hide.
Moments later the cops bust down the door and begin their search.
They see the first barrel (with the brunette hiding inside) and kick it to see if anything's inside when they hear...
"Woof! ... Woof!..."
Meh - just an old dog.
They kick the second barrel (with the red head hiding inside) when they hear...
"Meow! ... Meow!..."
Meh - just a s**... cat.
They kick the third barrel (with the blonde hiding inside) when they hear...
"Po-ta-to! ... Po-ta-to!"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experiences. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse
immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In t**..., she grabs for the horses's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again & again.
The blonde's head is continually battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when........
The Walmart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police one day. When suddenly, they happened upon a barn. They ran inside to escape the boys in blue and barred the door on their way in. All that was in the barn was a few cows, a couple of pigs, and a pile of potatoes. They could hear the sirens approaching so they had to act fast. The brunette hid behind the cows, the redhead hid behind the pigs, and the blond behind the potatoes. The police broke in and surveyed the area. The brunette, trying to be inconspicuous, decided to imitate the cows. She let out a great big "Moooooo!" The redhead did the same, letting out a pig squeal. The blond, in the spur of the moment, let out the loudest noise of them all. "POOOOTTTAATTTOOOOOO!"

A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asked, What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
The blonde said, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
He took her hand and said, Second, I'd want you to relax… Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…
He sighed, let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

A blonde tries to go horseback riding ....

.....
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In t**..., she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Walmart's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

Winning Blonde !!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter by the machine. Then she reaches in her purse again and pulls out a dollar and inserts it in the machine.Studying the machine carefully, she presses the button for coca cola classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change.She takes the 50 cents and puts it in the machine , studies for a moment , and presses the sprite button.Out comes a sprite. As she is reaching into her purse again , the business man who has been waiting patiently for several minutes,speaks up"Excuse me miss , but are you done yet?" She looks at him and indignantly replies,"Well, Duh! I'm like , still winning!"

Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.

Magic Mirror

In far off place there is a magic mirror that, if you tell it the truth, it will reward you, and if you lie to it, it will s**... you in to another dimension.
The first woman, a brunette, walks up to the mirror. She thinks for a second and says, "I think I'm the smartest woman in all the land." The mirror reacts and out of the mirror starts shooting $1M.
The second woman, a redhead, walks up to the mirror. She thinks for a moment and says, "I think I'm the prettiest woman in all the land." The mirror reacts and out pops a set of keys to a brand new car sitting outside.
The third woman, a blonde, walks up to the mirror and says, "I think" - and it s**... her in.

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator when...

... a handsome young man enters on the next floor. He is absolutely stunning and both women are enamored. He smiles politely at them and selects his floor, turning around to face the door in process. That is when both ladies noticed he had a horrible case of dandruff.
The brunette whispers to the blonde, My goodness that is the sexiest man I have ever seen in my entire life.
Whispering even quieter, I think he could definitely benefit from a little Head & Shoulders. Giving a subtle hint to her nearby friend.
Upon hearing this, the blonde stares blankly for a few moments replying, Well... okay... but... I'm not exactly certain how to give Shoulders.

A blind cowboy walks into a bar...

...and after ordering his drink, asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Well, I don't mind sir, but I must warn you that there are three rather dangerous blondes in this bar tonight.
The first one over by the pool table just got released from prison for 2nd degree m**.... The second in the corner there is the leader of the local gang. And the last one sitting just next to you is a professional boxer.
So I must ask, are you really sure you want to tell this blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a moment, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, I don't wanna have to explain it three times."