Bloke Jokes

Following is our collection of lad humor and woman one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Bloke puns for adults, dirty dude jokes or clean boyo gags for kids.

There is an abundance of pub jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 65 funniest jokes on bloke. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any chap witze you can hear about bloke.

The Best jokes about Bloke

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"

'Oh f\*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'

'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'

'yup'

'Wow, can't turn that down.'

If you ever feel your job is pointless.

Just remember: there is some bloke in Germany putting indicators on BMWs


Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair

A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff

I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

This bloke said to me

This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

Donkey joke

Bob's having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts 'hey here's donkey' and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks 'hey mate why does he call you donkey'. Guy replies 'I don't know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That's my first and now probably last post

This Joke Is A Real Lemon

A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.

So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'


Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming "We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!"

Turned out it was Farmer Geddon

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?

She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?

No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."


The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

The Garbage man was on his rounds and noticed that one house hadn't put their bin out.

The Garbage man was on his rounds and noticed that one house hadn't put their bin out. Normally, a bloke would just drive straight past, on to the next house, but old mate was in a good mood, he got laid last night. So he got out of the truck and knocked on the front door. An Aboriginal man answered the door and the Garbo asked "Hey mate, where's your bin?"
"Oh, I've bin up north." said the resident.

"Nah mate, where's your wheelie bin?" he goes.

"Ahh, I wheelie bin in jail, but I tell everyone I bin up north."

A little bloke gets into a fight with a big bloke...

The big bloke says "Mate, if you don't back off I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
The little bloke looks up at him with a raised fist and yells, "You'll be sorry!!"

"Oh, yeah? Why?"

"Well, you won't be able to do the corners very well"

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor

and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

Bloke walks into a pub....

Bloke walks into a pub and orders a drink. While he's taking the first sip, he hears a voice go: "Psst! Nice coat."

He turns around to thank this kind soul for the nice comment, but there isn't a soul in sight apart from himself and the man behind the counter; So, the man turns back to his drink and continues to sip.

A little further in.... there's the voice again! This time, it goes: "Nice shoes, friend." The man's sure he's heard it right, so he turns to the bartender and asks him: "Did you say something?"

The bartender shrugs, and the man (more than a bit suspicious) turns back to his drink. And yet again: "That's a really nice wristwatch!" the voice says. Now, the man's had it. He sets his drink down on the counter and turns to the bartender. "Is it that I'm hearing voices, or are you playing tricks on me? --You can say nice things about me without having to be so secretive about it, you know?"

The bartender, looking at him in between polishing glasses, off-handedly says: "The peanuts."

"What?" asks the man. "The peanuts what?"

And the bartender points down to the dish of peanuts sat by the man and explains: "They're complimentary."

There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...

The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!

Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a death but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone


Guy walking down the street...

...sees a bloke coming towards him pulling a rope. It looks about 20 feet long, there doesn't seem to be anything tied to the end of it. As they pass each other he says, "G'day mate, mind if I ask why you're pulling that rope?"

The other bloke replies, "Come off it! Have you ever tried to push a rope?!"

Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke
walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......

He sits at the counter and
notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of
chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke
bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I
do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with
delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
too".

This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks.

I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.

Went to the doctors yesterday...

..I said: "doc, im having problems with my hearing"...."really? Can you describe the symptons?" he replied I said "yes, Marge has blue hair and Homers a fat bloke"

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of vodka

The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:

'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'

'What have you got?' Asked the barman.

The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'

Three blonde dudes drive into the desert

When they are in the middle of the day, their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One blonde takes a tire. The second bloke takes a seat. The last blonde takes one of the car doors.

The first man says to the other two I'm bringing the tire because if I can't walk anymore, the tire will take me. The second says: But the seat is more comfortable than the tire. They both then look at the third and ask: Why bring a car door?

The thirty blonde man replies, Dudes, if I get hot, I can just roll down the window.

A bunch of blokes are in a pub and a woman walks past.

1 bloke says to the rest of his mates "i would give her one"

The woman over hears this, turns around and says "I would not have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth"

The bloke replies "who said anything about sex? i was rating you out of 10"

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project...

Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says, "someone should go and tell his wife."

Macca says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it."

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a case of beer. Simmo says, "where did you get that, Macca?"

"Chook's missus gave it to me". Simmo says, "that's unbelievable - you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Macca says, "well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Chook's widow. She said, no, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "you wanna bet me a case?"

A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:

'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'

'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'

The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato pie on my head on a Wednesday.'

'Ah!' Says the barman. 'But today is Tuesday!'

'Oh no,' says the bloke. 'I must look like a right twat.'

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

So this bloke said to me...

He said " I once got my dog to bring back a stick thrown 100 miles away".
I said "that's a bit far-fetched"

A bloke came up to me today and asked what I knew about midgets

I said "very little"

I was talking to this bloke who was addicted to soap

Last I heard, he's now clean.

Paddy and Murphy find a mirror

Paddy and Murphy find a mirror. Paddy picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy " that bloke looks really familiar ". Murphy grabs it off him " Its me you idiot "

My Great Uncle always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".

Great bloke...

Terrible anaesthetist...

Silly Russian joke

Flight attendant is making an announcement:
*-Is there an anesthesiologist on board?*
Some bloke says:
*-I am anesthesiologist!*
The flight attended tells him to come to seat 12A. He comes to the seat 12A and there is another bloke pouring vodka into plastic cups. He says:
*-Hey, mate. I am a surgeon. Not used to drinking without my anesthesiologist.*

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

Scotsmans Chilli

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.......

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. ...

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks:

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".

Contradicting Coronavirus advice!

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we're told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and naked, leave me alone... I'm conducting important medical research.

A man walks into an Australian pet store,

He asks the bloke behind the counter "where do you keep the kangaroos mate?"

The bloke replies, "outback."

This bloke at uni today told me he had 90 degrees...

I said 90 degrees how is that even possible? He said you just need to look at uni from the right angle

Went for walk yesterday and a bloke threw a lump of cheese at me.

I thought to myself, well that's not very mature.

I told my doctor IΒ΄d got hearing problems

He said "describe the symptoms"
I said "HomerΒ΄s a fat bloke, drinks beer, and Marge has got blue hair"

Two blokes are talking

Two blokes are talking and one says " I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?" The other bloke said " I don't know, what was her maiden name?"

A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the sex on the poor sheep.

Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

Walked out the pub the other night

Walked out the pub the other night and seen a bloke at the end of the road with a broken down car. I said "what's the matter mate?" he said "piston broke" I said "so am I!" and stumbled home.

The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him.

He kept saying "give me direction".

A bloke just walked passed me shouting you're a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you're totally covered in sugar.

It was all rather unsavoury

Michael Jackson

I was in Tescos the other day when I saw some bloke who reminded me of Michael Jackson. He came up to me and said 'Never forget Michael Jackson'.

A Kiwi fella Steve and an Aussie bloke Wayne headed out fishing one Saturday and started downing a couple of beers on the boat.

After a while, Aussie Wayne steve says to Kiwi Steve, "mate, If I snuck over to your house and had some wild raunchy sex with your wife while you were out, and she got knocked up and had a child, would that mean that we were related?" Kiwi Steve paused for a while and then says, "Well mate, I'm sure if that would make us related but it sure would certainly make us even!"

"I would never kill a protected bird"

So a bloke is doing his country business hunting for animals that are allowed to be hunted when he shoots a golden eagle. These birds in the UK are protected and it's illegal to harm them. Therefore he went to court.

Man-"I'm so sorry i would never kill a protected bird i love them. It was an accident that i promise wouldn't happen again."

Judge-"Well, after you killed it, what did you do with it?'

Man-"Well i wouldn't want to put i to waste so i took it back, cooked it and then ate it. Thought it was the only use it had"

Judge-"Well if you are it what did it taste like?"

Man-"Tastes like swan"

I can't believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was....

He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter.

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Selling a python

Paddy was selling his pet python on eBay.
Some bloke rang him up and asked, "Is it big?" Paddy said, "Massive." The bloke said, "how many feet?" Paddy says, "None, it's a snake ya fecking idiot!"

Did you hear about the bloke who tried to kiss his girlfriend in the fog

and mist.

I bought a pack of bees from a dodgy looking bloke in my local pub.

When I got home I discovered one of them was dead – I'd obviously been stung.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treat like a princess.

So I married her off to some bloke in expensive garments and now these French blokes keep calling me a 'Mark E' or something.

Saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah

I thought, He's trying to pull a fast one

The Moth

Bloke walks into a chippy and says, 'Please help me, I think I'm a moth'.
The chippy owner says 'Well, that's all very well, but this is a chippy, you need to see a doctor'.
The bloke says 'I am seeing a doctor'.
Chippy owner says, 'Well, what are you doing in here?
Bloke says, 'Well I was just walking past and your light was on...'

Just seen 4 geezers beating up 1 bloke on his own so I decided to jump in and help

He had no chance against the 5 of us

Venison

This evening, some bloke approached me outside the pub and offered to sell me 8 legs of venison for Β£200. I thought, is that too dear?

In the supermarket yesterday, some bloke threw a pack of mild cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

I went to see Walt Disney on ice

It was a bit disappointing, just an old bloke in a freezer.

I was walking down the road when this bloke threw a lump of cheddar at me.

"That's not very mature" I said.

I need two personal drivers because of my elephantitis.

I can't fit into a single car because of my testicular elephantitis.

The other driver is a great bloke but the other one drives me nuts.

I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently.

I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, "I'm going to play it by ear"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes