Bloke Jokes
112 bloke jokes and hilarious bloke puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bloke that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A great collection of bloke jokes to make you laugh, from classic 'alpha bloke' jokes to short and snappy ones: perfect for any feller. From what the barmaid says to one-liners any lad can understand, you're guaranteed to find something to make you laugh. Join in and enjoy a laugh!
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Funniest Bloke Short Jokes
Short bloke jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bloke humour may include short fella jokes also.
- If you ever feel your job is pointless. Just remember: there is some bloke in Germany putting indicators on BMWs
- Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair - A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
- This bloke said to me This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."
- Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming "We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!" Turned out it was Farmer Geddon
- I heard a bloke singing "Do... Re... Mi..." the other day. I thought to myself, he'll go Fah.
- My Uncle Bill used to tell me that the secret to great theatre was 'always leave them wanting more'….. Lovely bloke, terrible anaesthetist.
- This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks. I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.
- clever dog Bloke walks into a pub and sees a dog playing poker with 3 men. "He must be a clever dog" the bloke says, "not really" says the barman "whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail"
- This bloke goes to the doctor's complaining of a sore bottom... "Where specifically?" asks the doc.
"Right near the entrance" he replies
"There's your problem; you think it's an entrance."
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Bloke One Liners
Which bloke one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bloke? I can suggest the ones about dude and buddy.
- An English bloke's gold ran away.. "A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.
- A bloke came up to me today and asked what I knew about midgets I said "very little"
- I was talking to this bloke who was addicted to soap Last I heard, he's now clean.
- Just heard a bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal'.
- Did you hear about the bloke who tried to kiss his girlfriend in the fog and mist.
- What do you call an Indian bloke in a submarine? Mandeep.
- Saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah I thought, He's trying to pull a fast one
- Who's the nicest bloke in a hospital? The ultra-sound guy.
- Two blokes at a bar atop a skyscraper
- Two blokes sit at a bar at the top of a skyscraper
- This bloke came at me with a wheel barrow the other day I said "Don't push it"
- Definition of Gay? The bloke who enlarges the circle of his friends
- What do you call an ill Spanish bloke? Man-not-well
- Did you hear about the two blokes who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
- Two blokes walk into a bar... You'd have thought the second bloke would have seen it
Great Bloke Jokes
Here is a list of funny great bloke jokes and even better great bloke puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Great Uncle always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more". Great bloke...
Terrible anaesthetist... - I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
- I need two personal drivers because of my elephantitis. I can't fit into a single car because of my testicular elephantitis.
The other driver is a great bloke but the other one drives me nuts.
Amusing Bloke Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about bloke you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean boy meets jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bloke pranks.
I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"
"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"
This Joke Is A Real Lemon
A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.
So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'
Guy walking down the street...
...sees a bloke coming towards him pulling a rope. It looks about 20 feet long, there doesn't seem to be anything tied to the end of it. As they pass each other he says, "G'day mate, mind if I ask why you're pulling that rope?"
The other bloke replies, "Come off it! Have you ever tried to push a rope?!"
The Moth
Bloke walks into a chippy and says, 'Please help me, I think I'm a moth'.
The chippy owner says 'Well, that's all very well, but this is a chippy, you need to see a doctor'.
The bloke says 'I am seeing a doctor'.
Chippy owner says, 'Well, what are you doing in here?
Bloke says, 'Well I was just walking past and your light was on...'
So this bloke said to me...
He said " I once got my dog to bring back a stick thrown 100 miles away".
I said "that's a bit far-fetched"
p**... and Murphy find a mirror
p**... and Murphy find a mirror. p**... picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy " that bloke looks really familiar ". Murphy grabs it off him " Its me you idiot "
A little bloke gets into a fight with a big bloke...
The big bloke says "Mate, if you don't back off I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
The little bloke looks up at him with a raised fist and yells, "You'll be sorry!!"
"Oh, yeah? Why?"
"Well, you won't be able to do the corners very well"
So I said to this bloke "I'm gonna open a shop in Saudi Arabia"
He said "*Dubai?*", and I said, "*yep, and sell*".
The world unites
A Geordie bloke is stood outside his house and he sees a bloke from the next road over coming down his street "OY! What are you doing in MY street?".
Before the second man can respond another bloke from Middlesbrough appears at the other end of the street "OY!", they both shout, "what are you doing in OUR town?".
Before he has chance to respond a Londoner appears. "OY southerner!", all three shout, "what are you doing up north?".
Before he can explain a Frenchman appears. "OY! Frenchy, what are you doing in OUR country?" the four ask in unison.
Before the Frenchman has chance to reply an American appears. "OY! Yankee, what you doing on OUR continent?" all five exclaim.
Before the American can get a word out a spaceship lands in front of them and an alien gets out. Five of the six men immediately shout out "Take the Frenchy, you can probe him."
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
I went to see Walt Disney on ice
It was a bit disappointing, just an old bloke in a freezer.
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...
...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?
She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?
No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher
Selling a python
p**... was selling his pet python on eBay.
Some bloke rang him up and asked, "Is it big?" p**... said, "Massive." The bloke said, "how many feet?" p**... says, "None, it's a snake ya fecking idiot!"
bloke in the pub
The other night, this bloke in the pub was telling me he was a big star in the 80's with a song called "stand and deliver".
I didn't believe a word he said, but he was adamant
I can't believe how s**... that bloke in the Post Office was....
He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter.
Some bloke just told me he was gonna s**... me with the neck of his guitar....
I said, is that a fret?
Michael Jackson
I was in Tescos the other day when I saw some bloke who reminded me of Michael Jackson. He came up to me and said 'Never forget Michael Jackson'.
A man walks into an Australian pet store,
He asks the bloke behind the counter "where do you keep the kangaroos mate?"
The bloke replies, "outback."
This bloke at uni today told me he had 90 degrees...
I said 90 degrees how is that even possible? He said you just need to look at uni from the right angle
A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head
He walks up to barman and says:
'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'
'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'
The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato pie on my head on a Wednesday.'
'Ah!' Says the barman. 'But today is Tuesday!'
'Oh no,' says the bloke. 'I must look like a right t**....'
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of v**...
The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:
'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'
'What have you got?' Asked the barman.
The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'
A bloke walks into a bar with his gorilla and the barman asks "What drink can I get you?"
"Just ice for Harambe"
Walked out the pub the other night
Walked out the pub the other night and seen a bloke at the end of the road with a broken down car. I said "what's the matter mate?" he said "piston broke" I said "so am I!" and stumbled home.
An epileptic in the bath.
I was in the pub last night when I told my mates the joke about "What to you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
Well, bloke on the next table turns round and says very solemnly, "My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath."
The bloke then says "Yeah, he choked on a sock!"
A man was selling his TV
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
I told my doctor I´d got hearing problems
He said "describe the symptoms"
I said "Homer´s a fat bloke, drinks beer, and Marge has got blue hair"
I was walking down the road when this bloke threw a lump of cheddar at me.
"That's not very mature" I said.
Went to the doctors yesterday...
..I said: "doc, im having problems with my hearing"...."really? Can you describe the symptons?" he replied I said "yes, Marge has blue hair and Homers a fat bloke"
Just seen 4 geezers beating up 1 bloke on his own so I decided to jump in and help
He had no chance against the 5 of us
What do you call a bloke who buys and sells pubs?
An arms dealer.
... Hey, it's funny if the queen's still on your country's cash.
Venison
This evening, some bloke approached me outside the pub and offered to sell me 8 legs of venison for £200. I thought, is that too dear?
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him.
He kept saying "give me direction".
A bloke just walked passed me shouting you're a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you're totally covered in sugar.
It was all rather unsavoury
There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...
The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!
Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a death but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone
I bought a pack of bees from a dodgy looking bloke in my local pub.
When I got home I discovered one of them was dead – I'd obviously been stung.
I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently.
I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, "I'm going to play it by ear"
My girlfriend said she wanted to be treat like a princess.
So I married her off to some bloke in expensive garments and now these French blokes keep calling me a 'Mark E' or something.
A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track
The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the s**... on the poor sheep.
Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.
Donkey joke
Bob's having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts 'hey here's donkey' and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks 'hey mate why does he call you donkey'. Guy replies 'I don't know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That's my first and now probably last post
I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.
There I was just minding my own business then b**...!
A bloke chucked a piece of cheddar at me the other day
I said "that's not very mature is it"
Two blokes are talking
Two blokes are talking and one says " I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?" The other bloke said " I don't know, what was her maiden name?"
Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.
The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, I see you won your appeal then...
The inventor of ibuprofen, Stewart Adams, died today at 95 years old.
The priest got up to present the eulogy NSAID he was a lovely bloke.
A bunch of blokes are in a pub and a woman walks past.
1 bloke says to the rest of his mates "i would give her one"
The woman over hears this, turns around and says "I would not have s**... with you even if you were the last man on earth"
The bloke replies "who said anything about s**...? i was rating you out of 10"
In the supermarket yesterday, some bloke threw a pack of mild cheddar at me.
I thought "that's not very mature".
Silly Russian joke
Flight attendant is making an announcement:
*-Is there an anesthesiologist on board?*
Some bloke says:
*-I am anesthesiologist!*
The flight attended tells him to come to seat 12A. He comes to the seat 12A and there is another bloke pouring v**... into plastic cups. He says:
*-Hey, mate. I am a surgeon. Not used to drinking without my anesthesiologist.*
Contradicting Coronavirus advice!
First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we're told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and n**..., leave me alone... I'm conducting important medical research.
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f\*c**...,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
Went for walk yesterday and a bloke threw a lump of cheese at me.
I thought to myself, well that's not very mature.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"
"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway."
m**... and p**... are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
m**... says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
p**... says, "What's his name?"
m**... replies, "Miles, from London."
I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.
Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"
Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"
Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"
Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"
(Credit to Bob Mortimer)
Bloke goes to a doctor and says 'Why is it that every time I look in the mirror, I get an e**...?'
Doctor says 'It's because you look like a t**...!'
Covid Vaccine?
Just been up town and there's a bloke near Oxford Circus with a suitcase selling COVID 19 vaccines. £2 each or three for a Pfizer.
Just seen a bloke down the market selling the Oxford Covid Vaccinations..
£2 each or 3 for a Pfizer
A surgeon friend of mine has just lost his job
After he admitted to having s**... with one of his patients. I'm gutted for him as he's a cracking bloke and a b**... good vet.
I was taking the p**... out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today.
He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a s**...."
3 bags of crisps walking down the road .. a bloke pulls up ,says hay guys wanna lift?
No thanks they replied we're walkers
When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....
....but when a bloke says it he gets called a w**..., and they stop you from using telephone banking :(