The Best 92 Blind Jokes

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

Why do the French stink?

So blind people can hate them too

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder

They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

So you like limericks, huh?

On the Breast of a woman named Gale

was tattooed the price of her tail

and on her behind

for the sake of the blind

was the same information in braile.

I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb.

Knew right away she was a keeper.

How do you blindfold an Asian woman?

Put a windshield in front of her.

Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!

"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"

They say masturbation makes you blind....

I don't see any problem with it.

Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.

Sometimes I ask myself if I'd rather be black or blind, then I realize it doesn't matter.

Either way, I wouldn't see my dad again

I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..

It came completely out of the green

Dad: "Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind."

Son: "I'm over here Dad."

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

I'm never buying a Labrador...

Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?

Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

It's not my fault I'm blind.

How do find the blind man at the nudist colony?

It's not hard.

A blind man walks into a bar

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

You got to hand it to blind prostitutes...

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

My blind friend just tried LSD for the first time...

There was more tripping than usual.

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

So I gave a blind guy a basketball.

I think he's still trying to read it...

Harry was blind...

... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

Why did the blind woman fall down the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

I saw two blind men fighting

And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

Once I saw a blind man touching a cheese grater at Ikea.

He said: "who wrote this bullshit"

I loaned a blind guy some money...

It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.

My dad told me if I kept jacking off I'd go blind.

I said dad, I'm over here

Saw two blind people fighting today.

I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

What is it about being blind...

...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?

How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach?

It's not hard

I let my blind friend borrow money

He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...

I think my wife has a blind fetish...

Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?

He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.

(I'm so sorry.)

My dad walked in on me masturbating

He said, "Son, don't you know doing that will make you go blind!"

I said, "Dad, I'm over here."

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

A blind man walks into a bar

The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

How do you find a blind guy in a nudist colony?

it isn't hard.

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

"I see", said the blind carpenter

As he tripped over his hammer and saw

After work, I volunteer to help blind children

By the way: Verb, not adjective

Today I saw two blind people fighting...

Today I saw two blind people fighting... Then I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with a knife!" They both ran away.

NSFW When I was 17, my mom caught me masturbating

She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.

When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"

I said "I'm over here Dad"

Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?

They wouldn't know who to shoot

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

I like to help blind children.

The verb, not the adjective.

What's the worst way to break up with a blind person?

I think we should see other people

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

Have you ever tried blind-folded archery?

You don't know what you're missing.

I've been hiring a blind prostitute lately,

And I really have to hand it to her.

I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

Last night I dated a blind woman

At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus.

I lost my job.

My friend was thinking of getting a labrador.

I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

A kid asks his mom:

- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.

A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Naked painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."

They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Bigger in Texas

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!

Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!

The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!

Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That's a verb not an adjective btw.

A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

I saw two blind people fighting...

and I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" They both ran away.

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

How does the blind skydiver know he's about to land?

The dog leash slackens.

(Cr

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

What did 8 say to 4...?

I don't know if this joke has been done before, English is not my native language, but I thought of this myself (I think)
Here it goes:

What did 8 say to 4 after her blind date with 3?
- Well, he seems to be in his prime, but he is also a little odd. I've set you up on a blind date and now you got me that blind date, so I think we're even.

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He asks, "What happens next?"

"Then you'll take his throne."

Oedipus is pleased to hear that he'll become king, but there must be more to his fate.

"And what happens next?"

"Then you'll sleep with Joe."

Oedipus is confused.

"Who's Joe?"

A blind man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

...the bartender says, "Hey man, what's with the parrot?"

The man says, "It's my seeing-eye parrot."

The bartender says, "You know, most people use dogs right?"

The man replies, "Yeah, but do you know how hard it is to get one of those to stay on your shoulder?"

What do you call a blind Hitler?

A Not See.

It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :)

A blind man walks into a bar,


And then a table,


And then a chair.

I just realized that since my hair is thinning, my scalp may shine through in photographs depending on the lighting, and possibly blind the photographer.

Just some random reflections off the top of my head. Thanks for listening.

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Heather.

Guy: This isn't a competition.

I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me

She said blue or white don't matter, she's collar blind.