Following is our collection of eyesight puns and braille one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Blind jokes for adults, dirty deaf jokes and clean blind date dad gags for kids.
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
That's a verb not an adjective btw.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Verb, not adjective
Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.
Getting her husband's voice just right
The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."
It's not hard
I mean the verb, not the adjective.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."
She asked me for my number.
I told her that we usually use names.
And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"
Then they both ran away
They wouldn't know who to shoot
Because she couldn't see that well.
It's not hard.
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."
By the way: Verb, not adjective
The verb, not the adjective.
Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.
Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.
To this day, he still misses him
Put a windshield in front of her.
On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braile.
He said, "Son, don't you know doing that will make you go blind!"
I said, "Dad, I'm over here."
They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:
"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"
and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"
- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.
I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
The verb not the adjective
There was more tripping than usual.
Leave the plunger in the toilet
A sunken chest and no booty.
Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!
"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"
...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?
I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!
They run away from each other
Today I saw two blind people fighting... Then I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with a knife!" They both ran away.
A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.
It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.
And I really have to hand it to her.
I said dad, I'm over here
I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.
I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.
A: Because he's married.
As he tripped over his hammer and saw
I lost my job.
it isn't hard.
I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!
Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!
The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!
Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?
It came completely out of the green
You don't know what you're missing.
Son: "I'm over here Dad."
Because they can't C.
(I'm so sorry.)
He said: "who wrote this bullshit"
It's not my fault I'm blind.
So blind people can hate them too
Knew right away she was a keeper.
I think he's still trying to read it...
It's not hard.
He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...
I think we should see other people
I don't see any problem with it.
At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.
When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.
Either way, I wouldn't see my dad again
Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.
He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.
She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.
When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"
I said "I'm over here Dad"
Leave the plunger in the toilet
He felt the slack in his dog's leash.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"
"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."
..."You've really got to hand it to them." -Fred Willard
...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
Because he could not see that well.
There is an abundance of blind golfers jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 86 funniest jokes and blind puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any blind carpenter witze you can hear about blind.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.