blew Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious blew puns

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


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Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

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Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

It would be IX/XI.

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn't give a shit.

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A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One looks at the other and says, man, I blew like, twenty bucks in there!

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TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

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When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar...

One of them turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

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So, two deer walk out of a gay bar................

One of them turns to the other and says "Man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there".

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two deer are leaving a gay bar

one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"

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A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls around.

"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls around.

"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"

"I blew it off I had a gig."

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4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".

So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.

When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.

When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket

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Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind

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I am suicide bomber AMA

Wow this blew up fast.

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In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One deer turns to the other and says "Man, I cant believe i blew 30 bucks in there"

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What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?

I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there.

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A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind because I've been his customer for years! I had NO IDEA he was a barber!

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

The one deer turns to his friend and says "Man, I blew like 30 bucks in there."

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I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

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Job at the post office

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

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A gay deer walks out of a bar and says,

"Man I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there!"

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I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

It was so loud I nearly fell in.

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A black man and his young son were on a plane...

... when one of the engines blew out.
Amidst the screams, the captain made an announcement:

"Some of our passengers are going to have to jump off the plane.
You will be selected in alphabetical order.
Starting with A: All African Americans."

The young boy raises his hand, only to have it pulled back down by his father.

"B: black."

The little boy does the same thing and is stopped by his father.

"O.K, C: coloured people."

The little boy raises his hand again.

"Daddy, I thought we were black, why do you keep pulling my hand down?"

His father replies, "Today we're Niggers, let the Mexicans jump first."

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Two gay deer walk out of a bar...

One turns to the other and says "damn dude, I cant beleive you blew twenty bucks in there"

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A guy was hunting...

.. when a very strong gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you
are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer
you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

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Sea captain joke

A young sailor is walking the
docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg." The sailor then asks "How did you get the hook?" To which the captain replies "I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand." "Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?" "Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye." "Why didn't you wipe it out?" "Twas me first day with the hook."

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says "Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there!"

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Gay deer

A gay deer walks out of a bar and says "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks"

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A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."

"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."

"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of vomit to have to mop up..."

"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

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Roses are red, Violets are blue

Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

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Two deer walk out of a bar.

One turns to the other in disgust and says, "I can't believe you blew 20 bucks in there."

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Donald Trump took Pope Francis for an afternoon on his yacht...

While they were out to sea, the Pope's hat blew off his head and into the water. While everyone ran frantically, Trump stood up and said "Hang on. I've got this"

Miraculously he walked to the platform level with the water, and continued walking across the top of the water, picked up the popes hat and walked back and returned it to him. Everyone was stunned at this they couldn't believe what they just saw!

The following morning CNN reported:

"Breaking: Donald Trump can't swim!"

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I was at the local pool yesterday and went to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

Lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

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A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?

The guy falling responded, Nope, you know anything about parachutes?

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What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?

"I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there!"

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What is the colour of the Wind?

Blew.

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Once i did the "is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.." line to a muslim girl.

Totally blew up in my face

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I could see my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load last night...

I could see it in her eyes.

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I just heard an old man tell this joke on live radio...

- Knock, Knock

- Who's there?

- Little Boy Blew

- Little Boy Blue, who?

- Jared, from Subway, that's who

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What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?

The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.

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two deer walk out of a gay bar

the first deer says to the other, "man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there".

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A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather

"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.

"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."

In comes the youngest brother, and yells:

"BLARRRG BLARR BLARR!"

His mother calmly replies,

"Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says, "Man, I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"

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What did the Mexican say when a gust of wind blew his homework out the window?

Come back essay!

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A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."

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A guy walks into a bar...

...and tells the bartender "Give me anything but a Budweiser." So the bartender hands him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.

Next day, man comes in and says "Give me anything but a Budweiser." Bartender gives him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.

Next day, he comes back with the same request. The bartender is obviously very curious at this points. So he asks "What is the problem with Budweiser?"

The man answers "Well, I once drank 20 Budweisers, went home, and blew chunks."

The bartender laughs and says "That would happen to anyone after drinking 20 of any beer."

The man looks around sheepishly and whispers "Chunks is my dog's name."

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What did the gay deer say after leaving the club?

I can't believe I blew ten bucks in there.

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A gay deer walks into a bar

After a long night he comes stumbling out and says, "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks in there"

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So a guy walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whiskey?"
"No," says the customer, "just water; i was so drunk last night that I went home and blew Chunks."
The bartender tries to console him, saying "Oh come now, everyone gets a bit wasted from time to time."
To which the guy replies, "No, you don't understand: Chunks is my dog."

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Three men are standing before a judge.

The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. " I blew bubbles in the park.", the man said.

"That is not a crime. You are free to go.", the judge replies. He then asks the second man why he was arrested.

"I also blew bubbles in the park.", he said. The judge said that he didn't break the law and was free to go. The judge then ask the third man why he was arrested.

"I'm Bubbles."

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Two deers walk out of a gay bar..

One says to the other, "Dude, I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there!"

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A deer walks out of a gay bar

And says, "Wow, I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks in there!"

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A penguin is driving....

down the street when his car starts sputtering. He pulls into the next mechanics shop and asks him to take a look. mechanic says it will be about an hour. While waiting the penguin decides to go next door to the malt shop and get an ice cream cone. an hour later the penguin goes back to the mechanic.
the mechanic looks at him and says "looks like you blew a seal".
"oh no I just had some ice cream" said the penguin wiping his face.

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What did the deer say when he left the gay bar?

"I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there!"

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So a deer walks into a gay bar...

Two hours and several drinks later, he walks out and says to himself, "Wow. I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there..."

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This penguin is driving around

when his car breaks down. He brings it to the local mechanic, a walrus. The walrus says it'll be a while, so he might as well get something to eat. The penguin decides to get some ice cream, because penguins love ice cream. But penguins are also very messy eaters. He gets this ice cream all over his face. After two or three cones, he goes back to the walrus to check on his car.
"how's it looking" asks the penguin.
"It looks like you blew a seal." says the walrus.
"What! No man, it's just some ice cream."

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Do you suck ?

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

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An old woman calls her doctor.

She said she is tired of living and want to know the best way to kill herself. The doctor says, " Im sorry ma'm but i cant help you kill yourself!" The old woman tells him, "Fine, i will just jump off of a building then." The doctor didn't want that, so he said "Very well. Lay down in your bed and shoot yourself two inches below your left breast." So, the woman called all of her loved ones one last time, got her husbands old shotgun, lied down in bed, and blew her left kneecap off.

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Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day.

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.

The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You can take it today and, since there's almost no time left, you only have to answer one question. If you get it right, I'll give you an A on the test." The students, thinking this is even better than they thought, excitedly take their seats and look at the question:

Which tire blew out?

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A guy goes hunting...

A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

*"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.."*

*"What's the bad news?"* asked the hunter.

*"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.*"

*"Well I guess that isn't too bad,"* the hunter replied. *"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"*

*"Not exactly,"* answered the doctor.

*"She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.."*

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Sex in the middle of the highway!?

As the trucker came down the hill with a fully-loaded rig, he spied a man and a woman having sex right in the middle of the highway!


He blew his air horn, but they didn't move, so he slammed on the brakes, stopping mere inches from them.


Furious, he yelled from his cab, "Are you crazy? What's wrong with you? Didn't you hear my horn? I damned near ran over you!"


The man, with a satisfied look on his face, replied, "Look, buddy, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. And you were the only one who had brakes!"

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I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...

But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

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Hurricane Ophelia just blew the roof off my cheese factory.

There's de Brie everywhere

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A night of drinking

After a night of heavy drinking at the bars, 3 girls meet up the next day to recall their drunkin night

Girl 1: I was so drunk last night when I got home I blew chunks for hours!

Girl 2: That's nothing! When I got home I couldn't even make it to the toilet and threw up all over my bathroom walls!

Girl 3: You think that's bad. When I got home I went straight to bed and woke up with puke all over me and my bed sheets.

Girls 2 and 3 are laughing hysterically after hearing about their crazy night when Girl 1 quietly interrupts and says I don't think you two understand, chunks is my dog.

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2 deer walk out of a gay bar

One says to the other "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"

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Two deer are leaving a gay bar...

and one say to the other in disappointment "man, I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there"

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Where did the orphans go after the Orphanage blew up?

Everywhere

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A deer walks out of a gay bar...

"Wow. I can't believe I just blew sixty bucks!"

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TIFU by telling a terrorist joke to my Muslim girlfriend.

She blew up in my face.

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Two male deer are leaving a gay bar,

One turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks."

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Another penguin joke. nsfw

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.

Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.

Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."

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A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

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A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:


"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"


" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".

"What about the eye-patch?".


"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".


"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"


"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".

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Did you hear about the bomb that blew up a French cheese shop?

There's de brie everywhere.

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I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

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My favorite prostitute told me she was a licensed psychologist...

Blew my mind.

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Who are the worlds fastest readers?

9/11 victims. They blew through 87 stories in 10 seconds

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Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar...

...one turns to the other and says, "Wow, I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there."

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It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture.

The first American product they tested blew everyone away.

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What did the gay deer say leaving the nightclub?

I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!

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Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

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Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine?

He had nothing left to chauffeur it.

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

As they are leaving one says to the other, "I can't believe you blew forty bucks in there!"

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A deer walks out of a gay bar

"Damn I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!"

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3 Ducks Sitting at a Courthouse

The Judge calls up the first duck

Judge: "state your name and your offense."

Duck 1: "My name is Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay 1 week community service and off you go."

Judge calls up the second duck

Judge: "State your name and your offense."

Duck 2: "My name is Quack Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay, same sentence. Now, off you go."

Judge calls up the third duck

Judge: "Dont tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack and you blew bubbles at the pond too"

Duck 3: "Nope! My name is Bubbles."

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What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?

I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there

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I blew up my chemistry experiment

Oxidants happen.

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A deer walks into a gay bar

He comes out wasted, saying "I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there!"

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So a penguin is driving along one day...

... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.

As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"

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What is the color of the wind?

Blew.

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One looks to the other and says, "Man, I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"

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two deer walk out of a gay bar

one turns to the other and says "man, I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there."

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When my wife told me she was going to give me some mental oral sex, I thought it was going to be silly.....

....but she actually blew my mind!

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My chemistry blew up

Oxidants happen....

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Man walks into a bar

Says to the bartender "let me get a bottle of anything that's not vodka."

Bartender says "why not vodka?"

Man replies "well I drank a whole bottle of that last night and blew chunks."

Bartender says "drink a whole bottle of anything and you'll throw up."

Man says "no you don't understand, chunks is my dog."

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Ice cream

A penguin was having car trouble and decided to take it in to the shop. When the mechanic told him it would be a while he decided to walk around and do some shopping. After a bit he stopped off for an ice cream cone. Finally, he heads back to the auto shop. "Looks like you blew a seal." says the mechanic. "no" replied the penguin, "it's just a little ice cream."

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar...

The one deer turns to the other and says "I cant believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar and one looks to the other and says

"man, I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there."

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The Worst Natural Disaster

So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.

* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.

But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.

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The invention of the fan....

Blew people away

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A deer walks out of a gay bar...

And says "damn, i just blew 30 bucks in there"

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2 deer walk out of a bar

1st deer: Man that was crazy in there
2nd: ya I can't believe I just blew 40 bucks!

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A man walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender "Get me a drink. I'll take anything but Bud Lite."


Bartender asks "What do you have against Bud Lite?"


"Well last time I drank that stuff I killed 21 bottles, went home and blew chunks." He answered


"You must be stupid! Drinking 21 of anything will make you blow chunks." Replied the bartender


"I think you misunderstood." Says the man "Chunks is my dog!"

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I once picked up a grenade in a gun sale, they had knocked off 90% because it was missing a pin or something.

It blew my mind.

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Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself

The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see what happens when you drink too much, you end up throwing up all night." The man replies." no, you don't understand, chunks is my dog".

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A teacher is asking children how their weekend went...

And young Johnny said, "It was great, Miss! Me and my Dad went to the outback! We stuck big sticks of dynamite up cane toads' arses!"


The teacher replies, "Johnny! The correct term is 'rectum'."


"That's right, Miss! Wrecked 'em! Blew 'em to bits!"

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My jokes are like bullets...

If I start firing em off in Public no one laughs and everyone gets away from me, but when I practiced on myself I blew my fucking mind.

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The German Shepherd cover up...

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

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A penguin's car breaks down..

So he goes to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic told the penguin that it'll be a little while until he figures out the problem. The penguin notices one of his favorite ice cream places down the road and decides to go grab a vanilla cone.

The penguin finishes his ice cream and heads back to the mechanic.

The penguin asks the mechanic if he has found the problem. The mechanic replies with "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin then replies "No no no! I was just eating ice cream down the street I swear!"

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Job Interview

A chap goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"

Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."

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Samsung Gn7 user here. despite all the abuse they're getting I was surprised that it's actually a really great phone

I mean the battery life alone just blew me away

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I tried to tell a joke about a suicide bomber today

But it just blew up in my face

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A Penguin took his car to the shop

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out.

The mechanic said it'll be about an hour so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers.

He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "No, it's just ice cream."

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A penguin is driving through the desert...

and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He takes it to a nearby shop. The penguin leaves the car at the shop and goes to get ice cream. The clumsy little penguin spills ice cream all over himself. Suddenly, he remembers his car at the shop. He quickly runs back without cleaning the ice cream off of himself. Once at the shop, the penguin checks in with the mechanic.

"Looks like you blew a seal." the mechanic says.

"No- I was just eating ice cream." the penguin replied.

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Seals

A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.

While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.

When he returns to the garage, the mechanic says "I think you blew a seal". The penguin replies "Nope, that's just ice-cream!"

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72 virgins in Heaven

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

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Blowing chunks

At work, three friends get into an argument over who got more wasted the night before.

"I got so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks," said the first man.

"I got so drunk last night, I had to sleep outside because I couldn't make it inside my house," said the second man.

But the third man was certain he got more wasted than his friends. "I got so drunk, I set my entire house on fire!" he argued.

"I don't think you guys understand," said the first man. "My dog's name is chunks."

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I cleaned my fan today

The difference it made just blew me away...

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I blew a speaker in my car today

He was a motivational speaker

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Why was the candle mad at his friend?

He blew him off.

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I was at the local swimming pool today and was bursting for a piss, so I went down to the deep end, I got caught, the pool attendant blew his whistle so loud.

I nearly fell in.

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Two male deer are leaving a gay bar

One turns to the other and says "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks"

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A man said to me, "Man, I was so wasted last night I went home and blew chunks!"

I said, "most people are sick after drinking too much."

"No, you don't understand." he replied. "Chunks is my pitbull."

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A penguin brings his car into the shop

The mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out, so the penguin walks to 7-11 and buys an ice cream to kill the time. Since the poor guy's got no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. When he's done he walks back into the shop, and the mechanic tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says "No, that's just a little ice cream"

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What does a terrorist say when his post reaches the front page ?

Wow, this blew up

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A penguin is driving down the road...

And his car engine starts to smoke. He pulls over to an autoshop in a small town, and the mechanic says it will be an hour. The penguin walks around and settles at an icecream shop. After an hour the penguin goes back and finds the mechanic under his car. "Find anything wrong?" asks the penguin? The mechanic rolls out and looks at the penguin and says "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his mouth and says "oh no no i just had a bowl of ice cream."

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Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the NBA finals..

..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776

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Cow's tube

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.

The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

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I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in Maths" I replied.

"O.k then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Trump's next speech and to meet him back stage, followed by dinner with him... What is 2+2 ?"

"767.37" I replied,

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Two deers walk out of a gay bar

One said: I can't believe i just blew twenty bucks in there

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Three Little Pigs...

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, 'Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.' So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!' So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet and threw his sorry ass into the creek. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! 'Who the hell were those guys?' they asked. 'Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.'

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Two gay deer walk out of a gay deer bar...

Two gay deer walk out of a gay deer bar. One says to the other, "I had a great time in there, you?" The other deer responds, "Yeah, but I blew about 20 bucks."

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This year I got my wife the Baking Bible for Christmas

because last year I got her the Baking Quran, which really blew up in my face.

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A penguin talks his snowmobile in to get fixed.

The mechanic takes a look at it and says "looks like you blew a seal." penguin replies "no, that's just frosting on my lip."

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I gave my wife one last chance to suck my dick...

She blew it.

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A penguin has car trouble...(oldie)

He pulls his car into a gas/service/diner and asks them to check it out.

"OK buddy, we'll get right on it. Shouldn't take more than a couple minutes. You can wait in the diner if you want."

so mr. penguin goes to the diner and orders a large sundae. after he's done he goes back to the mechanic

"Hey pal, I hate to tell you this but it looks like you blew a seal!"

"Oh heavens no," says the penguin "its just ice cream"

*obviously not original but i've only heard it once so i thought id give it a shot

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3 guys walk into a bar...

Guy 1: Oh boy, I'm not drinking with you fellas. Last time I drank with you I got in trouble with the wife. Her parents were home for the night and when I got home I blew chunks in the living room in front of them.
Guy 2: That's nothing! When I got home my wife's mother was over and instead of sleeping with me wife I slept with her mother!
Guy 3: Well when I last drunk with you fellas I got home, My wife was with her friend who was getting married and I spewed all over the dress.
Guy 1: Fellas you don't understand... Chunks is my dog.

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Three drunks sitting at a bar

Three drunks sitting at a bar discussing who was the most drunk the previous day.

1st drunk says "I was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks".

The 2nd drunk says "that's nothing! I was so drunk last night I drove home and crashed into a tree, kicked my front door down and woke up in the garden!".

3rd drunk says "that's nothing! I was so drunk last night I stole a police car drove it into my house, threw the TV out of the window and wet the bed!".

The 1st drunk says "I don't think you understood me, Chunks is my dog.".

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Today I woke up early

I quietly put on my clothes, made coffee. I took my golf clubs and went slowly into the garage. I put the clubs in the car and pulled the car out of the garage under torrential rain.

The road was totally flooded and the icy wind blew at 50 km per hour. I went back to the garage, turned on the radio, and heard that the weather would have lasted all day.

So I went back home, took off my clothes and quietly slipped back to bed. Slowly I approached my wife and, holding her, I whispered in her ear: "the weather outside is horrible!"

Half asleep she replied: "Yes I know …Can you believe my dumb husband went out to play golf!"

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The light blew in the bathroom last night.

I couldn't see shit.

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Alas Fluffy, we knew him well.

I found my German Shepherd with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asked me, " Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage.

There are some real sick people out there!"

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What are the best Blew puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Blew? Well, here are the best jokes about Blew to have fun with.

Joko Jokes