Bless Jokes
119 bless jokes and hilarious bless puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bless that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bless jokes are a universal way to show appreciation, gratitude and laughter. This article explores the various ways to express blessing, including "God bless," "Bless you," "Bless your heart," "Gracias," "Hallelujah" and more. Read to learn the history, context and humorous variations of each phrase.
Quick Jump To
- Short Bless Jokes
- Bless One Liners
- Bless You Jokes
- God Bless Jokes
- Bless Your Heart Jokes
- More Bless Jokes
Funniest Bless Short Jokes
Short bless jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bless humour may include short grace jokes also.
- I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rain down in Africa. - My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "bless you !" Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.
- Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
- I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa. Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa
- I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water... They blessed the rains down in Africa.
- A masked priest just threw some holy water at me... ... I think it was a blessing in disguise.
- My local hospital brought in a priest to bless all the bags of IV saline… …but they got in trouble for using God's name in vein.
- It's flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other. They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.
- Why are there so many vampires in Europe and not in Africa? Vampires are killed with holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.
- A group of satanists have a meeting when one sneezes. Then it got really awkward when someone said "God bless you."
Share These Bless Jokes With Friends
Bless One Liners
Which bless one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bless? I can suggest the ones about bliss and praise the lord.
- Spent an hour by my wife's grave God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.
- Why are there no vampires in africa? Because they blessed the rains down in africa.
- Bless me father for I have Sneezed
- I spent some time at my Auntie's grave today. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
- I visited my wife's grave today Bless her heart she still thinks I'm digging a pond.
- What do you call a man with three feet but only ten toes? Blessed.
- Why was the Rastafarian poor? Because he was jah bless
- What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah bless.
- I'm Blessed I have enough money to not work the rest of the year.
- What do you say when God sneezes? Go bless yourself.
- Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you. - What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa? Totodile
- knock-knock knock-knock
who is there
ach
ach who
bless you - What do you say to an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah bless
- Vampires live in europe Because someone blessed the rains down in Africa
Bless You Jokes
Here is a list of funny bless you jokes and even better bless you puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A blessing It is a blessing to hear "Jesus loves you." In an American prison, but in a Mexican prison... Oh boy.
- My ex just sneezed,,, My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you".
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that. - In Egypt they require a priest to be at every airport 24/7 to bless the planes down in Africa
- Bless you My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said" Bless you"
Now she is just staring at the bushes, confused wondering who said that? - I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.... I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.
- What's the difference between a teenage girl and the Popes luggage? One is totes blessed and the other is blessed totes.
- The pope blessed the people of Ireland today. So don't pick a fight with an Irishman. For a short time, all their attacks do maximum damage.
- A girl next to me in the trai sneezed. Me: bless you
She: I have a boyfriend
A few rows behind us : I'm vegan - All blessed are the mapmakers. They are the only ones who can draw nations closer together.
- My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her. It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.
God Bless Jokes
Here is a list of funny god bless jokes and even better god bless puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A bird pooped and it landed on the man's face. Man: Such a blessing, Thank God, elephants don't fly.
- God Blessed Me... With two great traits. The first being a great memory and the second I don't remember.
- What's the height of loneliness? Every time after sneezing, I say "God bless me"
- In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of some phony gods blessing, but because I am enlightened by my... KNAWLEDGE
- I prayed to God for a handbag and he gave it to me It's a blessing and a purse.
- The Silent Wife Father : hey Son! why is your mother sitting so silent today?
Son: nothing Dad. She asked for lipstick and i heard
" GLUE STICK "
Father : God bless u son !! - Do you think God invented parachutes? I don't know but they sure are a blessing in these skies
- The US Presidential choice is now all about choosing between .... .....the one who was weak
with E-mails and the
one who was weak
with Fe-males....!!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA
😂😂😂 - Trump forgot the words to Irving Berlin's 'God Bless America' - so what? He prefers 'Putin on the Ritz', anyway.
- In the beginning there was only Chaos. Then God blessed it and said: "Be fruitful and multiply."
Bless Your Heart Jokes
Here is a list of funny bless your heart jokes and even better bless your heart puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line. It blessed the reigns down in Africa.
- My friend from the South says down there, they don't call people "r**..."... ...He said down there they say, "Well bless his heart."
- My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed f**...... Only side effect is she's a little c**...-eyed now.
- My wife argued that o**... s**... is the same exact thing as i**.... Bless her heart that she doesn't know the price difference.
Uproarious Bless Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about bless you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean praise jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bless pranks.
My Favorite Stalin Joke
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,
"Bless you, Comrade!"
Confession
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
A kid goes to church to confess...
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
F***ING !
1) F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it is harmful if done everyday
2) F***ing relaxes your mind & body
3) F***ing refreshes you
4) After F***ing don't eat too much go for more liquids
5)Try F***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy
6) F***ing can reduce your cholesterol level
So remember FASTING is good for your health.
GOD BLESS YOUR DIRTY MIND :
The Three Old Ladies & the f**...
Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a f**... approached from across the park.
The f**... came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a s**....
Then Maude also had a s**....
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
A priest is in the confessional box...
A priest is in the confessional box and he has to go to the restroom, so he grabs an alter boy and says, "Take over for me for a couple minutes."
A man enters the box. "Bless me father for I have sinned..."
The boy says, "The priest will be back in a few minutes."
The man replies,"I'm in a bit of a hurry. Do you know what Father Daniels usually gives for o**... s**...?"
The boy says, "Well, he usually gives me a candy bar and a five bucks."
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."
A little girl was saying her prayers for the night.
She said the following:"God bless mommy,God bless daddy,God bless grandma and goodbye grandpa." Her father,who had been listening,said,"Why 'goodbye,grandpa'?" The girl responded that it just felt like the right thing to say.
The next day her grandfather died of a heart attack.
A Catholic boy in confession says
"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I m**... while thinking
about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you
have two gorgeous brothers."
What do you called an unemployed Jamaican?
Jah Bless
A nun goes to confession....
A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn p**... under my dress for about 3 years ".
The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".
Blessed Are The Red-n**...
What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.
I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?
I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
What do you call an unemployed raggae singer?
Jah bless
Stalin is giving a speech.
And someone sneezes.
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!
Best son ever
5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son
Spent a couple of hours at my wife's grave today...
....Bless her, she still thinks I'm building a fish pond !
Why was Jesus crucified and not electrocuted?
Because if they had electrocuted him, today, 100 million Catholics wouldn't bless themselves with a cross. They would scream "Aaaarrrrrgggghhh!" and shake.
I was in Walmart yesterday and this elderly lady was in front of me & her total came up to $300 but her card was declined..
So y'all already know what I did. God gonna bless me one day. It was a lot of groceries but I helped her put it all back
The blessed arrival of a baby into my life yesterday would have been greeted with a lot more joy...
If I could only figure out who mailed it to me.
Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party
Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...
The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him.
He kept saying "give me direction".
Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!
April Fools!
Jacob never needed to set up that complicated plan to steal the blessing from Esau.
He could have just sneezed and let Issac say "bless you, Jacob."
A man walks into confessional...
"Bless me father for I have sinned. I cannot stop listening to the b**... ladies"
"How long has it been since your last confession?"
"It's been..."
I did my good deed for the day
I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
My grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish.
Bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.
Happy father's day!
5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father's day!
My dad went for a blood glucose level test, this was way back in the 90's. After the test procedure was done, the nurse said, " your blood glucose levels are very high." To which my dad said, " Oh sweet!"
God bless his soul
If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest
The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"
The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"
I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.
They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.
The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.
A man heard a knock at the door so he went to go answer.
When he saw a hooded figure with a scythe on his doorstep, he screamed.
The figure took off his hood apologizing. "I'm a priest, I have come to bless you to protect you from COVID-19! I just have to wear this because of quarantine, I'm not supposed to leave my house. This way no one comes to stop me."
The man was surprised, but let the priest into his house regardless. I mean how often do you find a blessing in disguise?
A Christian,Muslim and Hindu had a fight on a plane
It was decided they would all try to make other passenger stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand up is the winner.
There were 40 passengers on board
Christian : Bless us Jesus Christ
5 passengers stand up
Hindu : Jai Mata Di
3 passengers stand up
Muslim : Allah hu Akbar
37 passengers Stand Up.
.
.
.
.
.
And jumped out of the plane.
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
Take that look off your face
A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with seven beautiful women."
"Do not fret, my son," says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice."
"Will that cleanse my sin from me?"
"No, but it'll wipe that s**... smile off your face."
Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"
and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)
I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa .
Credits to u/Josh1804
Bless you son!!!
(Perhaps a repost, but I heard it for the first time. So here it goes)
A small boy talking to his mother while his dad sits nearby.
Boy: Mom, I want to marry 3 girls when I grow up.
Mom: 3 girls!! But why son?
Boy: One to cook food for me, one to do my laundry and one to clean my home.
Mom: Ohh ok... But which one will sleep with you?
Boy: (innocently) But of course you mom. I never want to sleep with anyone other that you.
Mom: Ohh bless you my son!!! You love mommy so much. But what will happen to the 3 wives of yours.
Boy: They can sleep with Dad.
Dad: Bless you son!!!
A lawyer and a priest are walking down the street, when the lawyer sneezes. "Bless you", says the priest.
The lawyer promptly burst into flames.
Some y**... had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.
We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.
I was blessed with the gift of hindsight
- But that's not a special ability
- I can see that now
If I ever tell you bless you...
you better say "thank you" and not "why are you in my closet with an AK-47?"
Just curious, if you sneeze in a monastery
Do the priests say "Bless You"?
Or do they just do it?
Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.
Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.
Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.
"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!" Says a man in the third row.
Stalin looks at the man and says; "Bless you."
6 Year old son , after reading story of a king
Son: Mom I also want 4 wives, one will sing ,one bathe me, one will cook
Mom: And one will put you to sleep
Son:No, Mom I will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear
Mom: Then who will sleep with your 4 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with dad
Dad's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear
A man walks into a church confessional
He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."
The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No" replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."
My new s**... neighbour just sneezed,
so by instinct and good manners I said bless you.
She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her!
A Ukrainian sailor was drilling holes in a Russian oligarch's yacht...
A police officer approaches the sailor and asks him what he is doing.
The sailor puts down the drill and says, "Oh, me? Uhhhm... as a matter of fact, I am here to bless the ship."
The police officer looks skeptical, "You're here to bless the ship?"
"Yes, that's right! I am making it very holy."
Why are there no vampires in Africa?
Because they bless the rains down in Africa!
A man bought himself an expensive new car
He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.
First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.
Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.
Then finally, the rabbi sang a song & cut off the end of the tailpipe.
