The Best 82 Bless Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bless jokes. There are some bless almighty jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bless thankyou puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Bless Jokes and Puns

Spent an hour by my wife's grave

God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,

"Bless you, Comrade!"

A blessing

It is a blessing to hear "Jesus loves you." In an American prison, but in a Mexican prison... Oh boy.

Bless joke, A blessing

Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

A kid goes to church to confess...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."


The Three Old Ladies & the Flasher

Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.

An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,

He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"

And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"

The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."

The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."

-Frank De Lima

Bless joke, An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,

A priest is in the confessional box...

A priest is in the confessional box and he has to go to the restroom, so he grabs an alter boy and says, "Take over for me for a couple minutes."

A man enters the box. "Bless me father for I have sinned..."

The boy says, "The priest will be back in a few minutes."

The man replies,"I'm in a bit of a hurry. Do you know what Father Daniels usually gives for oral sex?"

The boy says, "Well, he usually gives me a candy bar and a five bucks."

Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)

"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...

A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)

Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!

The Silent Wife

Father : hey Son! why is your mother sitting so silent today?
Son: nothing Dad. She asked for lipstick and i heard
" GLUE STICK "
Father : God bless u son !!

A little girl was saying her prayers for the night.

She said the following:"God bless mommy,God bless daddy,God bless grandma and goodbye grandpa." Her father,who had been listening,said,"Why 'goodbye,grandpa'?" The girl responded that it just felt like the right thing to say.
The next day her grandfather died of a heart attack.

You can explore bless sneeze reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bless amen dad jokes. There are also bless puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A Catholic boy in confession says

"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking

about my sister."

"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you

have two gorgeous brothers."

What do you say when God sneezes?

Go bless yourself.

My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed foreskin...

Only side effect is she's a little cock-eyed now.

What do you say to an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah bless

What do you called an unemployed Jamaican?

Jah Bless

Bless joke, What do you called an unemployed Jamaican?

My grandfather, bless him, he can't really do what he used to

Bomb the Germans.

What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah bless.

Why was the Rastafarian poor?

Because he was jah bless


A nun goes to confession....

A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn panties under my dress for about 3 years ".

The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

A girl next to me in the trai sneezed.

Me: bless you
She: I have a boyfriend

A few rows behind us : I'm vegan

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?

I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

What do you call an unemployed raggae singer?

Jah bless

Nobody is more blessed

Then the popes altar boy with allergies

Why did Jesus use his hands to bless people?

Because his hands were holey...

Stalin is giving a speech.

And someone sneezes.

Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!

I spent some time at my Auntie's grave today.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

A group of satanists have a meeting when one sneezes.

Then it got really awkward when someone said "God bless you."

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

Spent a couple of hours at my wife's grave today...

....Bless her, she still thinks I'm building a fish pond !

Bless me father for I have

Sneezed

My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her.

It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.

A cashew walks into a bar

...and announces himself. All the patrons turn around and say "Bless you!"

Why was Jesus crucified and not electrocuted?

Because if they had electrocuted him, today, 100 million Catholics wouldn't bless themselves with a cross. They would scream "Aaaarrrrrgggghhh!" and shake.

I was in Walmart yesterday and this elderly lady was in front of me & her total came up to $300 but her card was declined..

So y'all already know what I did. God gonna bless me one day. It was a lot of groceries but I helped her put it all back

The blessed arrival of a baby into my life yesterday would have been greeted with a lot more joy...

If I could only figure out who mailed it to me.

Crossfit died out

The other day n the train:
Girl : *sneezes
me: "Bless You!"
Girl : I Have a Boyfriend

a few rows behind us: "I'm vegan"

Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party

Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...

The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him.

He kept saying "give me direction".

My friend from the South says down there, they don't call people "retards"...

...He said down there they say, "Well bless his heart."

Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!

April Fools!

Jacob never needed to set up that complicated plan to steal the blessing from Esau.

He could have just sneezed and let Issac say "bless you, Jacob."

A man walks into confessional...

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I cannot stop listening to the Barenaked ladies"

"How long has it been since your last confession?"

"It's been..."

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.

Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.

She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

My Grandfather is getting old, it's sad he can't do the things he used to do, bless him

You know, bomb the Japanese.

My grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish.

Bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.

Happy father's day!

5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:

Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

Mom: And which one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears.

Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?

Son: Let them sleep with daddy.

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !

Happy Father's day!

What's the height of loneliness?

Every time after sneezing, I say "God bless me"

Bless you

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said" Bless you"

Now she is just staring at the bushes, confused wondering who said that?

My dad went for a blood glucose level test, this was way back in the 90's. After the test procedure was done, the nurse said, " your blood glucose levels are very high." To which my dad said, " Oh sweet!"

God bless his soul

If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa?

Totodile

A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest

The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"

The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"

You could say that I've been blessed with green fingers

Or you could say I pick my nose far too much.

knock-knock

knock-knock

who is there

ach

ach who

bless you

TIL Most of the world's coco is produced in Africa.

This is because of part of the continent's tropical savanna climate, particularly its precipitation. I love chocolate, so I'm really grateful for this.

Next time I eat a candy bar, I'll have to bless the rains down in Africa.

I was at Walmart at this lady was crying because she lost her tax money and couldn't buy for her kids. I gave her $200....

...since I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and I felt that if God has blessed me I should bless someone else.

I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.

They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.

The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

A man heard a knock at the door so he went to go answer.

When he saw a hooded figure with a scythe on his doorstep, he screamed.

The figure took off his hood apologizing. "I'm a priest, I have come to bless you to protect you from COVID-19! I just have to wear this because of quarantine, I'm not supposed to leave my house. This way no one comes to stop me."

The man was surprised, but let the priest into his house regardless. I mean how often do you find a blessing in disguise?

- Knock knock!

\- Who's there?

\- Hatch!

\- Hatch who?

\- Bless you!

A joke my son told me when he was younger...

Son: knock knock

Dad: Who's there?

Son: Ah

Dad: Ah who?

Son: Bless You!

A Christian,Muslim and Hindu had a fight on a plane

It was decided they would all try to make other passenger stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand up is the winner.
There were 40 passengers on board

Christian : Bless us Jesus Christ
5 passengers stand up

Hindu : Jai Mata Di
3 passengers stand up

Muslim : Allah hu Akbar
37 passengers Stand Up.
.
.
.
.
.
And jumped out of the plane.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Take that look off your face

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with seven beautiful women."
"Do not fret, my son," says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice."
"Will that cleanse my sin from me?"
"No, but it'll wipe that stupid smile off your face."

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"

and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)

Why are there so many vampires in Europe and not in Africa?

Vampires are killed with holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

It's flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.

They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.

I visited my wife's grave today

Bless her heart she still thinks I'm digging a pond.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .

Credits to u/Josh1804

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

Bless you son!!!

(Perhaps a repost, but I heard it for the first time. So here it goes)

A small boy talking to his mother while his dad sits nearby.

Boy: Mom, I want to marry 3 girls when I grow up.

Mom: 3 girls!! But why son?

Boy: One to cook food for me, one to do my laundry and one to clean my home.

Mom: Ohh ok... But which one will sleep with you?

Boy: (innocently) But of course you mom. I never want to sleep with anyone other that you.

Mom: Ohh bless you my son!!! You love mommy so much. But what will happen to the 3 wives of yours.

Boy: They can sleep with Dad.

Dad: Bless you son!!!

A lawyer and a priest are walking down the street, when the lawyer sneezes. "Bless you", says the priest.

The lawyer promptly burst into flames.

I'm Blessed

I have enough money to not work the rest of the year.

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

I was blessed with the gift of hindsight

- But that's not a special ability
- I can see that now

If I ever tell you bless you...

you better say "thank you" and not "why are you in my closet with an AK-47?"

Just curious, if you sneeze in a monastery

Do the priests say "Bless You"?

Or do they just do it?

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!" Says a man in the third row.

Stalin looks at the man and says; "Bless you."

6 Year old son , after reading story of a king

Son: Mom I also want 4 wives, one will sing ,one bathe me, one will cook

Mom: And one will put you to sleep

Son:No, Mom I will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear

Mom: Then who will sleep with your 4 wives?

Son: Let them sleep with dad

Dad's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bless communion jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bless thanks piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes