Bless Jokes
115 bless jokes and hilarious bless puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bless that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bless jokes are a universal way to show appreciation, gratitude and laughter. This article explores the various ways to express blessing, including "God bless," "Bless you," "Bless your heart," "Gracias," "Hallelujah" and more. Read to learn the history, context and humorous variations of each phrase.
Funniest Bless Short Jokes
Short bless jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bless humour may include short grace jokes also.
- I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rain down in Africa. - My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "bless you !" Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.
- Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
- A masked priest just threw some holy water at me... ... I think it was a blessing in disguise.
- My local hospital brought in a priest to bless all the bags of IV saline… …but they got in trouble for using God's name in vein.
- It's flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other. They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.
- A group of satanists have a meeting when one sneezes. Then it got really awkward when someone said "God bless you."
- A blessing It is a blessing to hear "Jesus loves you." In an American prison, but in a Mexican prison... Oh boy.
- In Egypt they require a priest to be at every airport 24/7 to bless the planes down in Africa
- Bless you My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said" Bless you"
Now she is just staring at the bushes, confused wondering who said that?
Share These Bless Jokes With Friends
Bless One Liners
Which bless one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bless? I can suggest the ones about bliss and praise the lord.
- Bless me father for I have Sneezed
- What do you call a man with three feet but only ten toes? Blessed.
- Why was the Rastafarian poor? Because he was jah bless
- What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah bless.
- I'm Blessed I have enough money to not work the rest of the year.
- What do you say when God sneezes? Go bless yourself.
- What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa? Totodile
- knock-knock knock-knock
who is there
ach
ach who
bless you - What do you call a blessed blanket? Holy sheet!
- What do you call a pile of blessed black waist sashes? A Benedictine Cumberbatch.
- What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray.
- - Knock knock! \- Who's there?
\- Hatch!
\- Hatch who?
\- Bless you! - What's the height of loneliness? Every time after sneezing, I say "God bless me"
- Just sneezed around some very polite strangers. #blessed
- Why did Jesus use his hands to bless people? Because his hands were holey...
Bless You Jokes
Here is a list of funny bless you jokes and even better bless you puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a teenage girl and the Popes luggage? One is totes blessed and the other is blessed totes.
- A girl next to me in the trai sneezed. Me: bless you
She: I have a boyfriend
A few rows behind us : I'm vegan - All blessed are the mapmakers. They are the only ones who can draw nations closer together.
- My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her. It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.
- I met a passive aggressive witch. She didn't curse me she just blessed everyone around me.
- Just curious, if you sneeze in a monastery Do the priests say "Bless You"?
Or do they just do it? - The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line. It blessed the reigns down in Africa.
- Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil. I guess it's a blessing and a cursive
- I was blessed with the gift of hindsight - But that's not a special ability
- I can see that now - If I ever tell you bless you... you better say "thank you" and not "why are you in my closet with an AK-47?"
God Bless Jokes
Here is a list of funny god bless jokes and even better god bless puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A bird pooped and it landed on the man's face. Man: Such a blessing, Thank God, elephants don't fly.
- God Blessed Me... With two great traits. The first being a great memory and the second I don't remember.
- In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of some phony gods blessing, but because I am enlightened by my... KNAWLEDGE
- I prayed to God for a handbag and he gave it to me It's a blessing and a purse.
- The Silent Wife Father : hey Son! why is your mother sitting so silent today?
Son: nothing Dad. She asked for lipstick and i heard
" GLUE STICK "
Father : God bless u son !! - Do you think God invented parachutes? I don't know but they sure are a blessing in these skies
- Trump forgot the words to Irving Berlin's 'God Bless America' - so what? He prefers 'Putin on the Ritz', anyway.
- In the beginning there was only Chaos. Then God blessed it and said: "Be fruitful and multiply."
- Don't go into the rent-a-tomb business.... It's only ever worked with one person.
Happy Easter ! God Bless ! - My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.
We called her Aunt Tique.
Uproarious Bless Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about bless you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean praise jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bless pranks.
It's the kid's Joke time..
Here's a lovely joke for all:
Papa : Why is your mummy sitting silently today.
Son : Nothing papa. She asked for lipstick and i heard fevistick(glue).
Papa: (With tears in eyes) God bless you son.
Confession
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
A kid goes to church to confess...
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest is in the confessional box...
A priest is in the confessional box and he has to go to the restroom, so he grabs an alter boy and says, "Take over for me for a couple minutes."
A man enters the box. "Bless me father for I have sinned..."
The boy says, "The priest will be back in a few minutes."
The man replies,"I'm in a bit of a hurry. Do you know what Father Daniels usually gives for o**... s**...?"
The boy says, "Well, he usually gives me a candy bar and a five bucks."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "Bless my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
A little girl was saying her prayers for the night.
She said the following:"God bless mommy,God bless daddy,God bless grandma and goodbye grandpa." Her father,who had been listening,said,"Why 'goodbye,grandpa'?" The girl responded that it just felt like the right thing to say.
The next day her grandfather died of a heart attack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Catholic boy in confession says
"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I m**... while thinking
about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you
have two gorgeous brothers."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed f**......
Only side effect is she's a little c**...-eyed now.
My grandfather, bless him, he can't really do what he used to
Bomb the Germans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun goes to confession....
A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn p**... under my dress for about 3 years ".
The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blessed Are The Red-n**...
What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.
I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?
I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.
Why did the pope cross the road?
To bless it.
What did the priest do when he had nothing to pray for?
He made an educated bless.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nobody is more blessed
Then the popes altar boy with allergies
I asked my teacher a synonym for 'Abstain from'. He said 'Eschew'.
I said "Bless you."
Read the following word out loud. "Cashew"
Bless you.
A cashew walks into a bar
...and announces himself. All the patrons turn around and say "Bless you!"
I was in Walmart yesterday and this elderly lady was in front of me & her total came up to $300 but her card was declined..
So y'all already know what I did. God gonna bless me one day. It was a lot of groceries but I helped her put it all back
The blessed arrival of a baby into my life yesterday would have been greeted with a lot more joy...
If I could only figure out who mailed it to me.
Crossfit died out
The other day n the train:
Girl : *sneezes
me: "Bless You!"
Girl : I Have a Boyfriend
a few rows behind us: "I'm vegan"
The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him.
He kept saying "give me direction".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend from the South says down there, they don't call people "r**..."...
...He said down there they say, "Well bless his heart."
Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!
April Fools!
Jacob never needed to set up that complicated plan to steal the blessing from Esau.
He could have just sneezed and let Issac say "bless you, Jacob."
My grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish.
Bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.
My dad went for a blood glucose level test, this was way back in the 90's. After the test procedure was done, the nurse said, " your blood glucose levels are very high." To which my dad said, " Oh sweet!"
God bless his soul
Priests must be super busy during allergy season.
"Bless me Father for I have sneezed"
You could say that I've been blessed with green fingers
Or you could say I pick my nose far too much.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife argued that o**... s**... is the same exact thing as i**....
Bless her heart that she doesn't know the price difference.
TIL Most of the world's coco is produced in Africa.
This is because of part of the continent's tropical savanna climate, particularly its precipitation. I love chocolate, so I'm really grateful for this.
Next time I eat a candy bar, I'll have to bless the rains down in Africa.
.....Suddenly, my eyes widened and I choked the urge to scream....
...then sneezed, but no one is around to bless me.
I was at Walmart at this lady was crying because she lost her tax money and couldn't buy for her kids. I gave her $200....
...since I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and I felt that if God has blessed me I should bless someone else.
Why does the Pope never sneeze?
Because he doesn't want anyone to bless him and become holier than him.
I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.
They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.
The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.
A man heard a knock at the door so he went to go answer.
When he saw a hooded figure with a scythe on his doorstep, he screamed.
The figure took off his hood apologizing. "I'm a priest, I have come to bless you to protect you from COVID-19! I just have to wear this because of quarantine, I'm not supposed to leave my house. This way no one comes to stop me."
The man was surprised, but let the priest into his house regardless. I mean how often do you find a blessing in disguise?
A joke my son told me when he was younger...
Son: knock knock
Dad: Who's there?
Son: Ah
Dad: Ah who?
Son: Bless You!
His name is josh
Person 1: *sneezes*
Person 2: bless you.
Person 1: thank you.
Person 2: you're welcome.
Person 1: no, I'm josh.
A Christian,Muslim and Hindu had a fight on a plane
It was decided they would all try to make other passenger stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand up is the winner.
There were 40 passengers on board
Christian : Bless us Jesus Christ
5 passengers stand up
Hindu : Jai Mata Di
3 passengers stand up
Muslim : Allah hu Akbar
37 passengers Stand Up.
.
.
.
.
.
And jumped out of the plane.
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
Do I need to wear socks when I have a shoe
bless me, when I have athletes foot?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bless the wife of Richard Cheese
He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.
Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"
and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)
A lawyer and a priest are walking down the street, when the lawyer sneezes. "Bless you", says the priest.
The lawyer promptly burst into flames.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some y**... had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.
We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.
Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.
Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.
Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.
"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!" Says a man in the third row.
Stalin looks at the man and says; "Bless you."
A man walks into a church confessional
He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."
The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No" replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My new s**... neighbour just sneezed,
so by instinct and good manners I said bless you.
She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her!
A Ukrainian sailor was drilling holes in a Russian oligarch's yacht...
A police officer approaches the sailor and asks him what he is doing.
The sailor puts down the drill and says, "Oh, me? Uhhhm... as a matter of fact, I am here to bless the ship."
The police officer looks skeptical, "You're here to bless the ship?"
"Yes, that's right! I am making it very holy."
A man bought himself an expensive new car
He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.
First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.
Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.
Then finally, the rabbi sang a song & cut off the end of the tailpipe.
